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March 21, 2005
Not having to explain
No, I will not explain, there is no need, I live this life the way I can, stretching on the rug this morning, with windows open as the cold air rushed in, by myself pulling my muscles, pushing further, and the calm it brought me between the delight of the fresh air, and movements of my joints letting go of the sleep, the stillness of these Little Death we practice, the allowance of venturing to the edges of unconsciouness with no price to pay but rest, void of any thoughts, any worrys, calmly vegitating, laid down, just living, being there, with no attention to time or place, hibernating in the altered states of being and not knowing, safe. I looked at the mirror, and fear find me in a tinge at pit of my stomack, I know the face, a bit of gray hear and there in my hair, and my beard, trying to adjust my irissis, the way I do , just a habit, to make sure they are alligned, my skin is softer, sagging a bit, not obvious enough, a few soft blemishes on my cheecks and nose, my teeth not as white , not as staright, but my teeth, the way they have been all these years, inside my mouth, my tools, a bit colored, but still healthy. I adjusted my glasses on my nose and softly carresed the lines on my forehead, I could use a hair cut, I thought, but short hair would expose my meaty face, kinda puts it out more displayed. My face, aging, in a way the way I always wanted it, youth never looked good on me, I always wanted the black and white beared, the lose eyelids softening my gaze. I always wanted to be older, having thoughtfull guestures, calmer moves , deeper silences and awareness of all things around me. My mother always says, "Javad, you were born old", and I remember when I hooked up with Mahnaz a year or two before I come here, she told me "javad, we always thought you were too serious for a kid, you never smiled". It was turning Fourty, it was like a new beginning for me, like for the first time I had a clear image of this body, this person that I have inhabited for all these years. I felt more comfortable in my body, and the restlessnes had subsided a bit. Well I guess I started enjoying my being who I am, not in peace yet, but who wants peace, it is good in small doses, but not to laul all our senses. a bit of urges, and yearning would serve me good, so I could take my trips to the woods, and browse, where I should not dare. I guess I like aging. It also gives you certain liberty to not explain, a bit more space,"he knows what he is doing". they might say, or "we like him as he is, a bit tilted, we are used to him". We become our Fathers, we see their faces in ours, and there is definitely a certain comfort in that.Posted by Idinraha at March 21, 2005 12:43 PM