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May 12, 2005
Kindness of Strangers
Well, another beautiful day here, Just came back from the Gym, Two hours of lifting, and cross training, it suites me fine, takes all the anxieties away, your muscles feel thight and hard, and seretonan galore, I had missed it much.
I still do not know how CHEY found me here, she knew my first name, and probably from the picture Cyrus had posted on his site, she knew I had a rug store. The woman is quite resourcefull. When i walked in the store Monday, and saw her, I knew who she was, but I was taken back, and surprised. A kiss and a hug, and I felt a bit calmer, we sat and talked, she is a nice lady, very easy to talk to, kinda tall, and pretty. But between me and you I felt a bit awkward. You see although I dig deep here, the lauxury of distance helps a lot to keep things in perspective. It also allows me to dig even deeper, which I might not be comfortable with if all of us were sitting around a table talking. I find internet is even easier than phone calls, even phone calls become a bit more personal because there in the instant responce, and also the voice, its pitch, how you talk, it gives your company a lot more of you that you might be ready for.
Internet is a wonderfull vihechle to get to know a lot more people that you ususally get exposed to but it also allows you certain privacy. not as intimate as a phone call or a physical meeting with another person. This was the first time, I had met someone that I had come to know through the internet, and in some ways I was not ready for it. Also the fact that Chey had sto0pped comunicating with all of us prior to our meeting, made it more unexpected. I had just come back from the Gym, I had no make up on, was not dressed in my best outfit. Well as we talked I got to relax, we went next door, got some sandwiches for lunch, and sat outside on the patio to eat.
We talked a lot, gossiped, about everyone we knew, mostly you guys, and a bit after lunch she left. She was kind enough to say I looked better in person. And invited us to Martha's Wineyard for the summer,
and then she left.
Yesterday was a productive day, I took care of bisiness, arranged to get the merchendise I needed from the suppliers, wrote two rants, one of them rather embaressing one, and also wrote a new poem. The night before I had gone upstairs and layed on my bed, with Marjan next to me trying to relax, and we have this large walk out window, and a beautifull view of the trees and the sky, it was breath taking, and I thought I should write about it, that was the inspiration that started FINDING THE MAIDEN, At least for the first stanza, but as it is for any form of writing, once you start, the subconscious takes over, and the poem creates itself, taking you wher it wants to. I am very happy of how it panned out. I already posted it on POETS.COM, and got a five star review.
As I had mentioned it here before there was a time, that we had a nice long colaberation ,Metal, and I, her vision, her words, and style, did sipp within my poetry, and inspired me greatly. I have written many poems during that time which I am proud of, I like to thank METAL again. But things change and evolve, i think we did give each other enough of ourselves, and it has been a few weeks that we are not in touch. Each of us persuing different themes and styles, this happens in artistic colaberations, and I think it is fine for bothe of us for now.
Cyrus is back, his elbow is healing, he left me a very funny comment on my rant MESSAGE PARLOR, it is a hoot, he has a wicked sense of humor, SL also has left me an insightfull comment which I treasure, I have another friend of mine who is in the same profession as SL, she had seen SL's comment and made comments to me about the depth of SL's comments and how insightfull they are, thanks SL, for being you. and I also like to thank Inasy, Ferry, and Cyrus again for your kind words of encouragements you left me about the rant LAST NIGHT I ALMOST....., YES it is very nice to have you here, and I enjoy each of your comments plenty.
Posted by Idinraha at May 12, 2005 09:49 AM
Comments
You are welcome. I wish to add further, change is a slow process; it took you time to get where you are today and it will take time to get to the place you wish to go.
If you think your change should happen immediately, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Change might never be the polar opposite of where you are at either. For you to notice change, it comes in the form of fewer incidents when you might upset yourself, a shorter duration of the "upset" and a lowering of the intensity of those feelings. You will find that over time you will "bounce" back faster and this ability not to wallow suggests that you are becoming more resiliant.
Most importantly you might with to think about the following: you might not have accomplished your goal that night, but you might have gone further than you have done in your life and that is very important for you to realize. You took a step closer to where you want to go and even if you did not meet it, if you can see that change, then something is going right.
The next step is to work with your counselor to find out what stopped you for speaking up. You might also wish to role-play with him or her and this might help you deal with some of the things you might anticipate - the rejection, hurting your father, making yourself feel worse.
Eventually you have to ask yourself, if you have failed in your own eyes today. If that is the case, then you have to look at yourself and ask yourself in what way? Failure defined by behaviors is much easier to change then just saying to yourself "I have failed" or "my life sucks."
I hope this information is also of use to you. Remember, change is a process and your medications and therapy will hopefully increase that serotonin and keep you motivated.
Posted by: ShrinkLady at May 12, 2005 07:28 PM
Dear IDINRAHA, I very much enjoyed connecting with you the other day and have to say that my intention in seeking you out was never to 'surprise you' or make you feel awkward or uncomfortable. I was only responding to the post you left me on my blog site..your invitation "if you are driving through westport ct, "please stop & take me for lunch, I will love to see you." When I arrived at westport 7pm mon nite, I had only 3 hours left to drive to get home to MA. I had already been on the road since Sunday am & it would have been lovely to just cruise right through to MA. However I thought of our little internet relationship where I shared some deep feelings & life experiences on your site....of your candor & open acceptance of my 'online self' and I made the decision to take you up on your offer. So on Monday night I checked into the Westport Inn which was close by your shop,& paid more for that room btw than the gas costs for my whole trip.. I went without dinner..found you in the phone book made some calls and the next morning I waited in your shop for 2 hours to meet you and say hello,,and when I did I said how much I enjoyed your webblog and your poetry. We did talk,have a nice lunch and then I was on my way. I am easy going and cmfortable to be around and now after reading your post Idin I feel a bit unwelcomed and a bit put off. When I went away the first time it was because I turned off my comcast account for the move. Now if you don't hear from me anymore it's because I choose to go where I am welcome. I would never impose myself on anyone. Chey
Posted by: chey at May 13, 2005 01:21 PM
Come on, Chey, if you read the rant, I have nothing but good things to say about you and your visit, I enjoyed you being here, but as always I say it the way it is, You know I love you for all you are, and now more than ever, so do nto get GRAGARA on me and be sensible, go read the rant one more time, there is nothing but praise for you, and the whole intention was also to showcase how the people we see on the internet, sometimes as nice as they are the first meeting can be awkward, you know me by now and you know that I am allright.
Posted by: Idinraha at May 13, 2005 02:11 PM
It's Ok sweety Idin^jav all is clear, kiss kiss!! your un-gragara sis chey
btw it's a glorious day here on marthas vineyard
Posted by: Chey at May 13, 2005 02:26 PM
In your defense
Idni, your title is the "kindness of strangers" and this I read as your appreciation of her coming out to visit you - a "surprise" a nice gesture. I think I too, would have been caught of guard if someone showed up and I had just come back from the gym...
I hope she re-reads the rant; it does read in a positive light "she is a nice lady, very easy to talk to, kinda tall, and pretty."
I too, have never met anyone with whom I have met online ever. And have talked on the phone with very few people and only when I wish too. I do like the distance myself...I have some friends on another site (networking) where we discuss things in private forums - we talk about getting togeher as a group (primarily females) but the whole idea still feels weird and awkwards as well. That does not mean I am not looking forward to meeting them.
When I do meet, I too would like to be more prepared even for a big surprise. I would like to look my best and not as you write: "I had just come back from the Gym, I had no make up on, was not dressed in my best outfit."
Perhaps she will re-read it and realize that you enjoyed her visit and next time she might just call you so you can shower before you meet her...even if she thinks you're a fab. person, it is still important for you to look your best when you meet that person.
Posted by: ShrinkLady at May 13, 2005 03:20 PM
Dear Shrinklady/Z hello, how are you sweety? I'm doing well after my move & very very happy to be back 'home' on my beautiful island. I have to reveal something here about our friend Idinraha that I am sure he will read gleefully....as I know he likes it when the pot gets stirred up a bit & he knows now he can count on me for that (lol). In defense of your defense I have to tell you about the (un made-up)Idin that greeted me fresh from the gym,,a tall dark handsome man,, just showered (smelled great) , hair combed, skin glowing from the rush of endorphins released after pumping iron and dressed very/tres euro chic in black trousers, a gorgeous dark blue silk shirt and black shoes. Now he looked positively radient believe me! (could also have been from his new meds,not sure,,,)I on the other hand was not in his league at all as I was in the same pair of jeans since I left Florida, travel weary,,,and without make up or jewelry,,plain 'au natural'!! And I hate it when the man I'm with is prettier than me but in this case I was completely outdone,,what can I say but that our idinraha is a 'looker'! I hate to see him when he does have time to prepare, (the little minx!)LOL
Posted by: chey at May 13, 2005 11:02 PM
You have been very kind Chey, but I do bet do differ, at 5'9"(barely), and 250lb, I am more portly, than tall, with a fat puffy face, I know my wife puts up with me, maybe because he still sees me as the man she married, although time to time, she does accuse me of swallowing the man she married. Believe me, if I was as good looking as FEREYDOON, or CYRUS, I WOULD HANG MY PICTURES ON THESE TOO. you are being kind, or maybe the lengh and hardship of your trip had effected your judgement. But I thank you anyway, like any other man I enjoy the compliments.
Posted by: Idinraha at May 14, 2005 09:57 AM