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May 21, 2005
My Role models, My heroes, ...read it at your own peril, its kinda long
Well, well well, As you have noticed, I am going trough a session with my lovely friend SHRINK LADY. -Seeking my father's approval, well I guess all men do that. WE all want to be like our fathers. He becomes our first role model, The big man in our lives. I had always lots of love for my father, and when I was younger if you had asked me which one of my parents I loved more, I definitely would have said MY father. He was a very hard working man, leaving the house at seven in the morning, and coming back home, when we were all sleep. A rather lonely man, who did not get much loving at home, all of his own doings of course.
You see my father is a very ambitious man, and at twenty seven years of age, he married my mother who was only fifteen. That was customery those days in Iran, they would marry off their girls at as early an age as nine, or ten. You see Iranian fathers were afraid of keeping their girls at home, so the minute the poor girl got to puberty, their only mission would have been to marry her off. To them having girls was a liability, they did not know what to do with them. Of course letting them continue their education would have been out of question, they would have become too independent. And for the girls getting married was one way of getting out of the tyranical ways of their father, seldom knowing that they are getting out of a puddle , but getting in to a well. changing tyrans, nothing else.
To some extent it was the way they were brought up and the influence of a male dominated religion that could not forgive a woman for her gender. These immasculated, puny, insecure, ignorant men, were so aware of their shortcomings that could not allow any competition in their worthless lives. As early as two years ago I came across a an Iranian man, that was brought up in a very religious family, and his father was a high ranking religious man, an Ayattolah to be. He was brought up to get in the family business, and become a Mullah, but he rebelled and got out. He told me that his father used to tell him, that women are like TOILETS, you do your thing and leave. That's all. Oh how I like to do to these men what MAO did to addicted chineese men in CHINa, take them by the sea and trough them in, so their evergrowing filth would be unrooted for ever.
How do you change a culture, a culture so corrupted by a reloigion that its ignorance has mutated to such eveil. Well, Shah tried that, and we had come a long way, before, many elements and on top of that Mr Jimmy Carter and his fervor for HUMAN RIGHTS, gave our country away to these tugs. Any way, my darling father, coming from an old established family with lots of respect in the community, did set his aim high and asked for my mother's hand. The first born of another well established well known family in the community that were also very wealthy. And my Darling Grand father who had been married himself at the tender age of Sixteen to my grandmother without having any choice, and was only thrity five at the time of my parents marrige, agreed .
I do not think my Grand father really gave it much thought, he was in a mist of his own marital problems, since he had come across another woman in college, and had married her although he was married already and had three kids, and all of this was without anybody's knowlede. So at some point the shit hit the fan and everybody found out, although no one dared to object to him, since he was also the first born of his family and his wealth shielded him from any critisizm. And my father was persistant, and so they got married. later own to my darling Grandfather's suprise, every body found out that my daqrling father also had had a SIGHEH ( a religious marriage that was not accepted by the civil law, and a convinient way of Moslem men getting sex whenever they wanted to. For in Sigheh, a man has to only ask the woman if she wants to be his mate, and upon her consent she becomes his Sigheh wife, and the duration of this union could also be set for a short or a long time, and a man could easily void the union whenever he wanted to by telling her, I divorce you. Sigheh marriages were never registered in any governmant establishments, and a sigheh wife would have no rights against her husband, or his property, intersting isn't it). A man could sigheh as many woman as he wanted to with no obligation toward her, and if a kid was produced in this type of marriage, the kid also did not have any right to the father's property.
My father had a sigheh wife, with a daughter. the wife was an older woman from a far away state in Iran, who also had a kid from a previous marriage. But for my ambitious father that was never enough. He deserved a young wife from a wealthy well known family, so he came and married my mother without any one knowing about his other wife.
So in his case also the shit hit the fan, and as usauall many people got hurt. What really was so offensive about his deciet was the fact that although he had a young new wife at home, he still kept his relationship with his Sigheh wife, and produced two other daughters. Well, he was entitled to it, to have his cake and eat it too. You could say there was some justice to it, since My darling Grandfather had done this to somebody else's daughter , same thing should had to be done to his daughter. and of course in this sort of JUstice there is no room or regard for eaither women, since they did not held any value in that male dominated society.
My parents were seprated for six month, my mother took my younger brother with her, since he was only a few month old, and was being breast fed, and left my brother and I with my father. At age two and a half I came down with severe depression, and although my older brother at age four an a half did not show any sign of permanent damage, I am sure he was also scard for life. My parents got back together, but we never had a happy home. My mother feeling degraded, and put down in front of her family had always blamed herself, that why she did not leave him, and was never happy with her marriage. They used to fight a lot, usually at night when the kids were sleeping, but I do remember being awake, and watching many of those fights.
Being brought up in such situation, I am amsed that we, my brothers, my sister and I have turned up as normal, if you can call it that. We now have our own families and kids, we all have made our own mistakes, but we all still are funtional parts of our society.
So, - seeking my fathers approval, heh, just seeing him would have suficed, but the man had two families and eight kids, so you can not expect much. I am sure every family has its won ups and downs, and its own problems, many skeletons grinding their bare teeth in many closets. But at some point in our lives we get to grow up and take responsibilty for our being no matter what. Yes we get to free the ghosts of the past, and start blaming ourselves for what we have become. But you can never be free of them, never.
I could say though probably watching how delightfull my father was with his collegues and their way of having fun has more to do with how I mingle with other men. And believe me, I do not bestow my delicious humor on just anybody, they have to be worthy of it, and I watch how far I go. If the guy is comfortable with himself, I do push, but if I feel any discomfort I pull back. so my dear SL, I bet you did not expect such comprehensive answer, but I am allowing you to take a look in how I got here, my role models, my ideals and heroes, so tell me know, is here any certain pill, or excercise that can free one fro0n his past demons, I might be interested, but on the other hand this life I have lived has made me who I am, and I would not change it at all. I might be obnoxious, over bearing, in your face, confused, restless man, but I am very okay with it, I like where I stand and in many ways who I am, so probably I should take this oppourtunity to thank My beloved Granfather, and my darling dad.
Being an immigrant, living in this land, of course we look for approval,and like to be accepted. In my outings I do come across as a confident, charming man, a bit loud, a bit daring. I used to be a quiet child, but never afraid of saying my peace, I coulod not wait to get in conversations with adult, shocasing my knowledge. But beneath it all we all like to be liked, its in our elements, and I guess that's my own unique way of getting there.
Posted by Idinraha at May 21, 2005 09:32 AM
Comments
I didn't like Father Homer Brent.
Posted by: LiveLife at May 21, 2005 06:56 PM
Thank you for such a candid disclosure of your life.
The key element I pick up is the absence of the egalatarian relationship between man and woman, that often transcends itself into a sad and despondent marriage. Children do pick up on it and years later it is still something that marrs their later lives. Children feel sad; they notice that their father fails to give their mother the respect she deserves. That sadness often confuses the child - I love you because you are my father, but I hate how you treated my mother. How do you reconcile that state as a child?
We all move on, I agree but we are constantly reminded of what we missed out on in life.
I suppose this is the reason why you are so giving of yourself to your own children; you never want them to be without the time and love of a father. You know how much it affected you. Plus you are determined never to give your wife the same feelings of "second best" and "you're not worthy" that your father gave your mother.
Today, I sense that you have never really been able to "bond" with your father - not just spend time with him, but to talk to him like an equal, share your thoughts and ideas. And the fact that you might be financially indepted to him (correct me if I am wrong), makes it all the more harder. You will always be that little boy whom he can tell what to do and you will always listen.
By never getting to be his equal, you can also never speak up for your mother and what he had done to her in the past and that regret might still be part of you.
These are just guesses - might be completely off here so feel free to correct me if I am wrong.
Posted by: ShrinkLady ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.idinraha.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at May 21, 2005 09:49 PM
Javad I know how to post my comments without approval but I want you to read it first and decide to post it.
Dear SL,
As a person, a child, who was part of the life and the father that my borther portraits, let me write about my side. My father never treated my mother as a second best. He had made a terrible mistake in his life and he paid for it for the rest of his life. My mother is way too strong to accept taking a back seat to anyone and stayed in the marriage because my father put her on the pedestal and worshipped her. My father had done nothing wrong as a father but to provide us with the best. Deprive himself of all happiness so we become successful. I don't care for how my brother portraits my father for his issues but if that makes him happy so be it. I adore my dad. I had the same relationship that Javad has with Kiana. I didn't want anybody around but my dad. I refused to have dinner and would stay up until he comes home to have dinner with him. He was and is always there for me. I don't believe Javad or for that matter any of us have issues with lack of father's approval. We were raised to be too arrogent and spoild to even bother. If there is one thing that I can blame him for is that he accepted the disrespect. And for my brother, for his sake of sanity, I hope he never realize what he's doing. It's way too easy to blame our parents for all our short comings. I am who I am because of my dad. He has many flaws. He is very focus and extremely tenasious to the point that he looses the impact of his behavior on others. Having many of his qualities, I fully understand it. It's extremely annoying and drives people crazy. He just doesn't realize because it's who he is. And way too old to try to change him. I adore the ground he walks on. As far as cheating on my mother, we all know that those that don't cheat are minority, not that I approve it. He just left traces. And for my three step sisters (and now many nephews and nieces), I must say that they have so much love and affection that I feel blessed.
(new paragraph)Now let's talk about Iranian men flirting with eachother. My brother is not using the word correctly. It's not flirty but rather teasing eachother. There is nothing sexual but just for laugh and be totally silly by immitating homosexuals. That's all!
(new paragraph)My family is the most important part of my life. We are not perfect and I may not like my brothers or parents but I love them with all my heart. I accept them with all their shortcomings. I want this love, my family, in my kids' life. Many times I bit my tongue and endure unacceptable behaviors just to keep the family together. I do it for myself and my girls.
Posted by: Maryam at May 22, 2005 11:48 AM
Well, my LiL sis Maryam, I was hoping that you come to write this, since in all fairness we do need a balance here, there is always many angles in any relationships, and as I mentioned each family has its own issues, and I am sure many are much more disfunctuinal than we are.
We are all different people dealing with our own demons in our efforts to live a better more content lives. WE get to excorsize our demons also in different fashions, this is how I do it, dealing with my father, my mother, my damage, my demons, my life, and believe me I do it as soberly and knowingly as I can.
I think our mother's attention, and generous efforts in bringing you up in the same mold as she wanted to be is the cornerstone
of your success, I am not denying you or contridicting you, your father's love, But You are seven years younger than, and in a way being a daughter has shielded you fron the complex relationship that goes on between fathers and sons, in some ways hossein and mohamad has had a closer experience of our father with me than you do, although we are each seprate beings with our own set of values.
Incidently if either one of them like to write of their own experiences I would wellcome that, as I have wellcomed yours.
before you blame a man you should know what society has produced him, that is the reason that I wrote at lenght about the culture of Iran, and also brought to the attention of my readers of similarity of his conducts to our beloved grandfather, and many others we know, and yes my dear many men do stray in their marriages, and probably many sons or daughters would come to write rants about them, or not. I tell my story with no judgment.
I also wrote that I do love my parents and do not blame them for what they have done, far from it I have celebrated their shortcomings as a blessing in my life since it has made me who I am.
Posted by: Idinraha at May 22, 2005 12:38 PM
Of course my mom had played a large role in my life. You all did and are. My family, parents and brothers, provided me with the opportunity. I could have never been able to study, with no financial concern, if it wasn't for you. But it was dad's qualities in me, his focus and force to move forward and not giving up that made me to go all the way. He is a big annoying pain and so am I. But we mean no harm. I had a chance to modify some of those behaviors but he didn't. Too busy dealing with wolves in the market and surviving. And of course I'm and always will be daddy's little girl. And for your defence, I never had to work with him and so happy about it. I was fortunate to have an option all due to you but you didn't. I know he's a tough and very difficult person to work with and that's how he learned it. Being forced to quit school and start working at age 14 since his parents believed it's the right thing to do. Yaup! We all have reasons for the way we behave. I honestly believe that the reason we are all great parents to our kids, is because of him and the way he played and adored us. He was very involved with the chores at home. From washing dishes to changing diapers. I have very fond memories of him as a kid and a teenager. I am also happy that you understand my comment and do not take it as personal attack. I guess you can only imagine these would be Kiana's words....
Love you very much.
Posted by: Maryam at May 22, 2005 01:47 PM
OK, I feel like I'm walking into a minefield here, so I'll just tip toe out...
Posted by: cycho at May 23, 2005 01:33 AM
You are a very smart man Mr Keaton, but if you had any inclanation to get involved in convoluted, complex relationships just dig in, I wellcome it since after all YOU ARE FAMILY
Posted by: Idinraha at May 23, 2005 10:22 AM
Idni, have been out of town for the last few days for work hence the reason I did not commnet earlier.
After reading the posts, there are several things to consider:
Each child has his or her own relationship with a parent and in some instances that relationship will determine how that specific person will perceive that parent and it will also affect what perspectives that person will take on his or her life. The important point is to never negate the experience of each person.
As for their father, he is all the things that they speak off - the good and the bad. Reaching an understanding of who a person is, in an effort to come to terms why he did something, should not be used as an excuse for their behavior. Instead, it should be used to say: yes, I understand why my father did what he did. Does that make the behavior towards the person (in this case child) intentional (we will never know), but it does help to understand the dynamics and avoid repeating those behaviors in oneself.
Moreover, understanding why someone does something also helps to open up a channel of communication, reduces anger towards the person and even helps the person reach an acceptance of their current situation whether it is agreeable or not...
As for the homosexual behavior of Idni that Maryam mentions...I think it is rather inappropriate Idni the comments that you make with other men. I don't know if you realize that most straight men don't joke like that, but if it is a cultural practice among Iranian men, I am not one to comment.
Posted by: ShrinkLady at May 25, 2005 10:46 PM