Idinraha unshackled...

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June 13, 2005

Monday afternoon

We still have no air condition in the store, it is very hot here, and any unneeded movement would result in huffing and puffing, and sweating. so we stay put in front of the fans we have.

Saturday night we all went to Kiana's dance recital, it was held in my old school. We have been going to this recital for the last five years, so many of the Dancers are very familiar to us and we have seen them grow physically, and getting skilful in the dances they do.
There is lots of comedy on stage, specially when three, and four years old dancer try to follow each other, and the mistakes they do are hillarious. the older ones are much more accomplished, and the show tunes they were dancing to were wonderfull. Kiana did a great job at any moment whe was on the stage she was smoother and more skilful than others in her movements, she is a natural.

The last number they had was from the show CATS, it was a long number with great dances which I enjoyed immensely. Julia, Steven, Akram, Tara and Miraneh also had joined us. After they left, steven stayed with us and we went to dinner. Kiana still exited from the recital showed off some of her dance moves to the people in the restaurant to our delight. Steven stayed over night and when I left the house on Sunday morning the three of them were already swimming in the pool and their Breakfast was catered to them by the pool site by my ever gracious wife Marjan. What a life.

Sunday afternoon I joined Marjan and the kids at Kamran (my brother in law, Miraneh's husband), I felt much better, but I feel a bit out of balance, there is a quietness in me, I was so sedated, so quite. over there, I did not feel like eating anything. everybody was there, but I felt seprated and lonely and it showed, I was not as Bombastik as I usually am, talking and teasing every one. and I was tired, so I went to the living room, it was empty, I put a pillow on the floor and tried to take a nap, I was thinking about my new mood, Marjan was a bit alarmed, and had asked me what was going on with me, I had told her that it is the medication, but I know better.

My mother has been calling me, she is adamant that i should make peace with my father, and get back to the bi-weekly family gatherings. She has called three times so far, and she is persistant, that is one of my mothers trade mark, she gets what she wants. I am not rerady for it, I would not be able to bear it, not emotionaly, not physically, and of course she has a much simpler view of the whole thing. "YOUR FATHER IS TOO OLD, IF HE DIES YOU WOULD NEVER FO0RGIVE YOURSELF, I AM TELLING YOU THIS FOR YOUR OWN SAKE."
It is amazing that at the tender age of FOURTY SEVEN, I still do not know what is 0good for me, at least that is what she thinks. And of course non of this is my doing, it is all Marjan's fault.

I want and I need to stay away. I needed this at the age SEVENTEEN, when I came all the way to America, to stay away, to search and find myself, only me, outside of all the obligations and chains. I guess this was hard for them to understand then, and still is. I tried again at NINETEEN, but she said, IF YOU DO NOT HELP YOUR FATHER AND BROTHERS YOU WILL FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT, I KNOW YOU BETTER. At Twenty one, she said,IF YOU DONT GO BACK TO THE BUSINESS AND THEY FAIL YOU WILL FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT, THEY NEED YOU, AND YOU NEED THEM.

And I do blame myself, for not standing up for me, for not being brave and daring, for depending on them as much as they depended on me, for not finding my own way, and living my own life. I should have been better, I should had known, but she said, and she said, and she said.

I even thought of calling my friend Debbie and aske her, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AFTER HE DIES, HOW WOULD I FEEL , WOULD I GO TO PIECES, WOULD I. You see I have been conditioned to be good, to try harder, to accept and to feel guilty. WHATEVER YOU DO TO HIM YOUR SON WILL DO TO YOU. But I have not done to my son what he has and is doing to me, he is a different person than I am, I am a different person than my father is, so what gives. And you know I would be a lucky man if my son does to me what I have done to my father.

Well, I am still being reached, I am still being manipulated, I told my mother, she is wellcomed to see my kids any time at our house, I even would love to take her out for dinner with the kids, but she only wants them on her own term. The way my dad did, YOU CAN ONLY GET THE RICHES OF LIFE IF YOU WORK TOGETHER. But Dad, IT DOES NOT WORK, WE ARE SO DIFFERENT, WE CANT. Well it took us fifteen years of our lives, fighting each other, destroying a business, and wasting Millions of dollars, with him losing the most, before he accepted it.

You know I have even thought about moving from this state, yes I have, and I don't know it might get to that. LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at June 13, 2005 12:56 PM

Comments

Posted by: cycho at June 13, 2005 08:25 PM

Posted by: ShrinkLady at June 13, 2005 10:00 PM

Posted by: ShrinkLady at June 13, 2005 10:00 PM

Posted by: Maryam at June 13, 2005 10:23 PM

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