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August 31, 2005
In the trenches
we always say water brings light. and maybe there is purpose when it swells, and pours, claiming the lands. We are so clue less, and so vounerable within the elements of Nature, even our God seems helpless sometimes as we try to make sense of everything around us. Hanging to our latest cell phones, and computers, cutting through Atom's nuclues, searching through embryoes, we strive to reach our Gold like destinatioon within the grasp of our egoes and hopes.
And yet..... we are basicly passengers on this long journey, watching the scenery through the safety of glasses that make us feel seprated and secure. We eat more these days and still feel hungry, we fuck a lot more, trying every possibilities and positions possible and still year for intimacy. we measure, judge and even write mannuals on how to love, not knowing where the secret is , where is the gates, and who is the gatekeeper. Dreams and illusions, trances, allowing us wings to dare where we may, balancing the severity of our livings and lives. and yet we donot know how to measure happiness, how to be greatefull, and how to reach the ease we all strive for.
We purchse stuff, and then we buy some more, we even lease them to pay less, to have more, to show off, and still the emptiness creeps inside, and inside our large house we live with no comfort. we measure our worth, and feel so thrilled of our latest holding, we gamble on Wall street, looking for gold, and as much as we own on golden inked papers we need more. we measure our vulgarity, and perversion and allow each other so much of it. and the cost, its the cost, when you end up at the end of the line holding the bag even your credit reports will not save you.
And there on the day we die, we realise it all has been there to bring us here, to this point as we depart. how fast it left us, how soon we got there, are there choices on how to get there. Did we live our lives to the fullest, and what if we did not. where is the redemption, the salvation and absolution. the hands we kissed, the bows we took, the love we made, all and all crystalised in the blind dark depth of the void. yes you did live your life.
Posted by Idinraha at 12:38 PM | Comments (1)
August 24, 2005
The Writing life
I' ve been writing for over two hours, and I think I am burning oil, smoke comes out of my ears and my head hurts, it is not a head ache, it just hurts. My wife asked me today, how many chapters of the book I have written and I told her I am in chapter Seventeen, she said woopie, three more chapters and you will be done. I said no honey, at least eight to ten more chapters and I might be done, and even afterward the whole process of rewriting would be ahead of me which might take even longer. She looked at me disappointed.
She thinks I have changed and I tell her what else is new. She thinks once the book is done I will be the same man, and I told her, which ones of the same man you have lived with in the last nineteen years she wants back. She thinks I am hopeless. I know I am. She does not know that I have already thought about two more senarios for two more books, and I am talking to a local theatre group who is looking for an original play, promissing them that I could write one for them.
I also have the monthly article to write for Weston Magezine about rugs. I already have submitted the first one for October.
Walkin in my elements, floating, happy that my big head is cooperating, and my fingers are running with such a thrill on the key board. And in my head the characters come to visit, they talk to me we discuss further plots, no, I can not say that, they always do surprise me once I sit down to write. Dr, B is surprised by the turn of the events in the book, and happy about it, she could not have guessed, and I like that, in a way I am surprised too, and I could not have guessed them. The last few chapters are becoming longer. Originally we had estimated, two hundred pages for the book, but I am sure it would be more. you know they come up with new things, I mean CHOOb has had a dominant present in the last seven chapters, and he is still around. we have a new character Edmond, who is a transvestite, studying Philosophy at NYU during the day, and turning tricks at nights. Dr, B thinks we could have more of him and he is so interesti8ng that I think we could.
She also thinks that my chapter's endings could be expanded, and I agree with her, so what ever the pages come to there would also be another thirty pages in addition. I tell you, it is not easy, but its lotsa fun.
The kids are growing, changing, getting taller, it is like my two little beauties are gone and two new ones have replaced them, and it is all right, it just means that I have to adjust to them, to the new habbits and of course after living with me for almost twenty years their mother could adjust even to the weather on Mars. God bless her the woman should be set for sainthood.
two nights ago, laying in bed with my son and daughter, they asked me to ask them general knowledge questions, they way I used to. I agreed, and pulled out some of my thoughest questions, and without missing a beat, they answered 99 percent correct. I was delighted.
Amin is having a hard time with his out of place erections. he gets embaresed trying to hide them and My wife told me I should tell him what to do, and where to place it. I had to think, at my age one does not remember those glourious days. So I talked to him and suggested pulling it up and placing it under the elastic part of his underwear, so it would not zooom out. He listened, laughed and said okay daddy. if any of you guys know of a better method, I am willing to listen.
My wife was complaining the other night that she is losing her little boy, as he is getting bigger and taller. I told her, she should buckle up, and anticipate Our daughter's flight, our son is the quiet one, but our daugher, she is the star.
Last night sitting in the family room with them, I told them that if they wanted ever to smoke I will love to buy them their first pak, or if they wanted to drink, that would be on me too, and as long as they do what ever they wanted to do, in our own home, we would be allright with it. Bring your friends home, and get a free condom. My wife gave me the look on that one but she was supportive. Parenthood should come with owner's mannual.
Business still sucks, big time, I am holding with the skin of my teeth, that should make my dentist happy. But I tell myself the worst is over usually fall and winter are kinder to us in our business.
So LIFE IS GOOD.
Posted by Idinraha at 03:33 PM | Comments (3)
August 18, 2005
an extended climax
Yes, yes that is what I said, after I finished chapter thirteen to my assistant. This is like an extended climax, and there is so much satisfaction in it. He looked at me and shook hois head. telling me he should write a book about spending so much of his life with a man man like me. Well that's an idea.
I am happy to inform you, that My beloved wife and children are back. and LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN. I didn't know how much I missed them until I saw them again. I kissed them and the house was home again. Last night I slept between my two beauties and they hanged on to me, and ressurected me, bringing life back to me. I am not wollowing in self pity anymore. Business still sucks, but hey it's okay. I have been around a long time and I know everything changes, just have to be patient.
Mrs, Cindy Shihan, it is so hard to know how she feels, I can not precieve it, and it should never happen to any parents. But what she is doing is dishonoring the most important thing in her life, her son.
Her family has disowned her for her actions. Her husband is divorcing her, but she would always have MOVE ON.COM, untill the next victum comes around. What is so interesting is how the demcrats have kept away from her, far, far away. They do not want to be assosiated with any Anti war movement, specially with mid term elections around the corner. And when Mrs, Shihan realises how she is degrading her sont memory, and demoralising our soldiers out there, I hope it wont be too late.
Posted by Idinraha at 12:12 PM | Comments (0)
August 15, 2005
Sanity, chees puffs, chocolate, and Law&Order
It took me a while to do it, it had driven me crazy. but I took one of the maqgezines in the office and waited patiently, my firts few attempts failed. I had to watch it and learn which direction it took as it slipped out and flow away. At last I understood that the magezine shoud be on top with its direction facing its head, it flew forward as it slipped out, so Wack, I got it, it was a small victory, which did make me happy until there was a replacement for it, doing exactly the same thing the first one was doing to annoy me.
I should not watch myself, you see if you worry about your actions and look for some signs of trouble, the actions itself becomes the trouble, so you have to let go. step out of your head, and dont try to watch yourself. no, just allow the movements and thoughts to roll as they do naturally. althought there is this silence in my head, yes in my head, not outside of it. like there is a man sitting on the chair inside my head,watching quietly, and all it has brought by himself is the silence. So get on with little pleasures. as human beings we need little pleasures to make us feel happy, like we are getting our share and there is a balance. Chocolate is fine, so is cheese puffs, Kit Kats, why not, if it helps the situation. Watching naked women, God I am slipping, but it would be okay, this is self medicating I remind myself, just coaping. What about reading a good book, ah, no patience for that, I am not ready for complex thinking, just give me animalistic urges and lets satisfay them slowly, it will kill time and soon there would be dark, maybe Diet pepsi. Yes last time I tried it I like the taste.
The electricity was gone yesterday by four PM, due to severe thunder storms, and rain. I sat in the store for a few more minutes, as much as having to deal with another extra hour at my empty home was unpleasant, sitting in the store with no electricity was worse. So I left. Fuck the customers I thought, nobody is gonna show up in this wheather any way. AS I left I felt like the Captain leaving its ship as it was sinking, maybe I should have stayed one mor hour, that would have felt better, since we close at Five anyway on Sundays. But I left, got myself to Wall Mart, my favorite store. A bag of Cheese puffs, for a $ one dollar, God how could that be, a large bag of M&M's with peanuts, I like the crunchy feel of it. and a bag of assorted KITKATS, and a large bottle of Diet Pepsi, yes that would be heaven. I notice I was not enjoying my own company, being in the crowd, and felt the silence in my head. I only feel it when I don't hear myself talking for a long time. I paid the automatic cashier. it did talk to me but I could not answer it, so I paid and was happy my new advanture only cost me about Seven Dollars, I would have looked at some of the T shirts but, I was tired and had to go home. Some how home feels the safest place to be in. on the way I tried to pick up my new bottle of the generic shit they are giving me instead of Paxil, but the Farmacy was closed, more angst for me, no Paxil for a day. I had to wait till tomorrow.
In the back of my head I was happy I had excersised extra hard in the morning, and it probably had made enough saratonin, that a day without Paxil would be Okay. Got home, and thank God the house was cool. The last two days I have developed a new habbit, once I get home I take all my close off, and walk around the house naked. why, I do not know, it just feels comfortable, then I rememberd how my mother used to tell me about crazy people that usually tear out their cloth, so I put on a T-shirt, giving myself a bit of distance.
Did you know there are Channels that even at Four in the afternoon show some episode of Law and Order, that made me so happy, watching Law&Order, munching on Cheese puffs, and M&Ms, wow, the Tv's noise made me not to think, and that was good. two hours later Julia called asking If I would like to go over her house for dinner, I was so full of the junk food I had that I declined, although Pasta sounded so very good. Mt wife called and by the time I found the phone it got discounnected, I called her, and the first thing she asked was why am I breathing so heavy, I explained I was running around, looking for the phone. She asked if I had a guest over the house. I told her I wished.
I got an Email from my teacher Dr,B. She is back from her vacation. and she had gotten the news of my poems being published, and she was so excited that she had tears in her eyes, she wrote. that was the high light of the evening. I wrote her back,and thanked her. then got another Email from another good, interesting friend, the subject matter was fun, I wrote her back, and back to another episode of Law&order.
I finsihed the evening feeling bloated and satisfied. There is a new series on TNT, WANTED, I like it, so that was the last show i watched. Then I did my prayers, and went upstairs, read some Magezine and then fell sleep.Knowing I would see Elvis's face on the day he died in the mirror tomorrow, promissed myself not to look and then I thought WShat the Fuck, and went to sleep.
This morning I walked to the Gym feeling so tired. one of my friends asked me what was wrong, I just grawled at her. she got the message. I managed to excersize for an hour, got to the store felling better. And wrote more on chaqpter Twelve, i wrote a very nice scene with Malcolm looking at himself in the mirror and enjoyed it a lot. I got me some beef lomein for launch, and watched LOST IN TRANSACTION again. Some how the subject matter of a middle aged men being away from his wife and kids felt very close. Although i know I would have felt better if I had someone like Scarlette Johanson walk in on me.
You know I could feel with the guy and his angst, being with this beautiful much younger girl, and not allowing yourself to do anything. I like getting older, and Bill Murry plays the man so beautifuly. One has to have certain respect for beautifull things that one would come across, and I know that somehow just feeling that you are wanted and you can do it, is satisfying enough that you don't have to do it. believe me it feels much better.
i know tonight I will get my colorfull drems back, with the shapes that burst and converge in each other. I got my pills this morning and took an addititonal five milligram so I would get the kick. hohoho, cheap thrills. I have ten more paragraph to write for the chapter Twelve, so I better get busy. LIfe SUCKS,...BIG TIME.
Posted by Idinraha at 12:06 PM | Comments (0)
August 14, 2005
Lonely
Posted by Idinraha at 08:44 AM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2005
Talking to myself
I have started talking to myself now. Last night my precious Kiana called. She is missing her daddy something bad. I had been proud of myself(why I don't know), that I had not cried since they left, but she cried over the phone, and soon so did I. Why does our heart ache when we are seprated from our loved ones. What is the mechanic behind it. I mean we are made of flesh and bones, how do emotions get in this and why they do to us what they do.
I wanna have a sky in blue, dark blue with velvety texture and stars spread all over it, shining in their icy glow. I want little prince on that far planet to stay with his rose, and never leave. I want fox and snake to go back to his planet with him. It would be a bit crowded but, I had the best times of my life in small quarters living close to the ones I love. Loneliness is so eternal, so extended, there are no voices, no sparkling eyes and kind words. I know we ar born alone nd die alone, but in between we get a chance to become domesticated to acquire a taste for belonging and every day ceremonies.
I watched BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS again and half a way through it I found my main chracter for my next book, Bart, yeah another writer looking for inspiration but this one will do something about. How good it would have been if I could write ten hours a day. It is not easy usually every two hours you need a break. If I am at work, I get interrupted every half an hour.
It was late she had to go. we were sitting in her car. We had not said much yet, but we knew, when you want you know. It was raining outside and we had been sitting in the car for a while. "why can't we just take this road and go" ? she said. Knowing that she had said much more than she intended to. I looked at her, I was not ready, one had to be patient, they are stages to this, steps, and you have to take them one by one. and she had slid dwon the railing and wanted me to catch up. I did not know what to say, I politely shook her hand not acknowledging what she had said, and said Good by. Sometimes I think we are still sitting there, she and I and I am still looking for the words, extending my hand, not knowing if I should stay or leave.
"you can not hold a wild animal, you can't make them stay, and you always do that."Holly said to Doc. we have a very nice poem by Attar, the perisn poet. He compalins about his eyes and heart, for whatever his eyes see, his heart wants. At the end he decides to find a dagger and blind himself, so at least his heart is set free.
Posted by Idinraha at 12:05 PM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2005
jav talking
I think the loneliness is getting to me. This morning I got up and my stomack was in a knot. I got ready and left the house by Seven. I told myself excersize will do me good, so forty five minutes on the cross country Machine, fifteen minutes of Boxing, and another half an hour of lifting. I was done. but still feeling a pressure on my chest, not being able to breath easy. Again I told myself its the heavy excersize and get over it. took a shower and got to the store by nine thirty.
Dr B, is away and I am not getting any feed back from her. I am not sure I am on the right track with the story, and I think I am rushing it a bit, but I have to wait untill she comes back, and let me know what she thinks. I am a bit discouraged, and puzzled about where I am going with the story, I have the out line, I know where we shave to end up, but how to get there, i have to choose. It used to be so clear to me even a few days ago but I think the pressure is getting to me. Business sucks BIG TIME, and I feel tired and helpless, but I have to get over it. I know once I start putting the characters together they will save the day, but I am not inspired.
isn't it sobbering to feel how we need our own support system so much. Just the every day allowance we get and you get it so regularly that you don't think much of it, because it is there, and then when it goes away, you feel something is missing. In a way it is a good experience too. It allows me the knowing that how far I can take this, Am I stron g enough, have I grown to be independent of everything around me, I do not know but I guess we will see.
Saw a great movie yesterday LOVE ME IF YOU DARE, very dark subject matter , but I could identify with the obseesive feelings of the characters, with their longing and helplesness. If you deny the truth in your life it would bite you in the ass. It was a dark love story, no sacharin, showing it as it it. love burns, you just have to enjoy the pain otherwise it is not for you, no, no haert shaped chocolate goodies no sentimental sensibilities, Love as naked and raw it could be. I always get back to this poit. The cost of everything, and your readyness to accept and pay it. Catch the movie, but don't expect sugar coated sentiments, it is cynical and raw.
there are a few good movies coming. CONSTANT GARDNER, based on John Le carr's book with Ray Finnes. Nobody but nobody can show case pain the way he does. have you seen English patient, or one better, the END OF AFFAIR. If you ever had an affair, if you ever fell in love at the wrong time in your life, you will identify with it, but if you have not it might look toodark and obsessive to you. There is another movie, that is painfully enjoyable DAMAGE, huh thats a good one, with Jeremy Iron at his best. He is so good, I don't know if you have seen LOLITA, the new revision of it, with Jeremy Iron, it is a tough movie too watch, it shows how obsession and love can corrupt and it shows even at the depth of its despai how we always try, and try harder to get back what we have lost-- Our own self, and the piece that comes with the recognition it needs to keep you sane.
Posted by Idinraha at 09:41 AM | Comments (2)
August 11, 2005
good news
Well I am happy to announce that Weston Magezine, which is a regional magaezine in Fairfield county, has accepted to publish my poem RAPING LONDON , in its next issue. I recieved a very nice call from the magezine's Editor. She complimented me for my work and said she would be interested to see more of my work. I gave her the password for the site and asked her to feel free to examine my other works.
She also told me, that the title of the poem will be placed on the cover of the magezine with my name Idinraha. right beneath Arthue Miller's name.-- Isn't that a kick in the head. I am elated and so very happy, and could not keep the smile away from my face.
Last night i tried to broil some steak for myself, got the steak ready and tried to turn on the stove. And no success. I called my wife, and she guided me step by step and I was succesfull in following her. The steak ended up over cooked, and tasteless. I threw
it out , and had some of my son's breakfast wuffles.
Choob is in. I am happy also totell you, that last night I started chapter eleven of the book and as I had told you we do have a new character, called CHOOB, completely based on My dear friend, and guardian Cyrus, he knows that and has given me permission to do this as long as I stay within my boundries. We will see about that. he would be the most sane character in the book, and having him would balance all the agony angst and missbehavior we have seen at the first ten chapters. Dr, B is away so I have been writing the last three chapters without any input from her, walking the rope without the net. I am sure she will be pleased by the volume of my writing.
I am in limbo, trying to pass the time, and the days can not end for me quick enough. I do not go anywhere at nights, although Julia was nice enough to invite me over for dinner two nights ago, and I had a wonderfull home cooked food, and was greatfull for it. Somehow I am more comfortable staying home.
I have been coaxed to do this so bear with me, How am I doing emotionally, actually much better than last time. Somehow I do not, allow myself to thin, keeping myself busy. The house is empty, and there was a time that I could not be left alone in an empty house. But Iam doing it. I don't know how people live alone, I guess we are creatures of habit, we get used to anything. Kiana my little Star, has left me messages every where I go. In the draw that I leave my keys, watch and ring. On the TV screen, in the bedroom. and usually she is the one that runs to me every night when I get home, so I do not look at the hallway after I get in thehouse, i just take my cloth off put them on the chair and go straight to the family room.
Falling sleep is difficult, I think about the book, and where we are going with my characters, plans for the next scene, or somethign, and then its morning, and I am happy that I could flee the house, and go to the Gym. It is easier during the day, since I am used to being by myself, and keep busy. But I can tell you, I am living without my soul these days. those three own my soul, and somehow they have taken it with them. I live by my instincts. I eat, drink, walk, go, and comeback, and basically these two weeks I do not live, I just exsist.
and once they are back LIFE WILL BE GOOD AGAIN. but at this point this is not my life.
Posted by Idinraha at 11:50 AM | Comments (2)
August 09, 2005
Loneliness and Urges
I have found living by myselkf could be dangerous to my life. I am not talking emotionaly, I will not go there yet, but physically, last night I was stuck with a water downed spagetti, and a piece of Veal Parmagan that tasted like chewing on leather, I chew well as you know but there was no way to get it cut to pieces.
The first night I was alone, I thought okay a good size Pizza and some beer would distract me enough to pass the hours and go to sleep. I ordered a large delux, what a mistake. You see I usually do not eat Pizza, maybe sometimes I get a bite of plain Pizza while my kids or eating, or sneak out to the kitchen without my wife watching me and get a bite of the left over crust.
I had My beer, took the whole pie to the family room and sat on the floor right across from Tv. The first piece was okay,mouth watering with the cheese and all the variety of the meat on the topping, I felt hungry and coureges enough, to go for the second. drinking my beer feeling okay, but half the way trough the second bite, the tinge of the oils from the meats, and the cheese had gotten to me, I swigged anoer gulp from my Beer rying to wash the taste down but in a minute, I was at the toilet losing my Pizza, so much for that.
I put the rest of the pie in the refrigarator, my cash fllow not allowing me to dump it in the garbage, thinking well if I only eat one piece a night it would carry me trough at least a few nights. My mouth tasted horrible, even after I used the mouthwash. I went upstairs and found the cookies that my wife hides from me under the bed, brought a few down, made some tea and was carefull not to have too many. God they make the cookies so sweet this days, and there is no flavor to them, all you taste is the sugar, but the tea settled my stomck.
Watched two hours of Law and order, felt a bit compromised not doing anything, went to the computer and wrote a few paragraphs of the book. I felt more worthy after hat, watched some more movies, checked the flight scheduall to see when they would reach there. The flight had two hours delay, I could not stay awake till Three. so I did my prayers, anoher thing I do to feel worthy. after ward I took a shower and went to sleep.
I am excersizing a lot harder these days, I need my body to be as tired as I could, so finding sleep would not be difficult. It is my third day leaving by myself, and I have been already trough fifteen can of beers. This morning I looked at my puffy face, looking like Elvis on the day he died, and promised myself not to eat any more Junk foods. My right eye is not coaperating these days I noticed, pushing furher to the side and as much as I am trying to get used to it, I don't like it. So I did some eye excersize, and felt better about it afterward.
I think my savior emotionally is the book, it accupies a lot of my time and it is going well, I am finishing chapter nine, and still very amazed at how it is coming along, how the characters lead me and make me a part of the lives they have lived.
It has been so important for me also these days to set the parameters of my living without my every day support of my wife and kids. To walk the fine line, and stay within the geogrophy of what has been left of my Sanity, cleaning after myself even more than I am used to, and keeping the house as well as I was trusted to. The woods are fetching and I miss my trespasses, but with no "direction home" left to me, I would not dare, I am not brave and I need to stay put more than ever for all that is so very valuable to me.
Its amazing to me, how soulless I am at my most animalistic urges. I put it as the fact of my gender, the carelessnes that comes to us men once we realised how extended( even superior, you know we can stand out!" we are within physical attributes of our gender and how so deliciously we can submit to our urges. I hear the man in me the needy echoes of my flesh,"Of course, of course you could, and why not who will know, call her, invite her over it would be so delicious in its danger, and the sordid expectations that would come with it, go to a bar find the loneliest girl you could fine, use all your charm, and bring her home, it would do you good, it would inspire ( a good excuse for creative writers) you, and nobody would know, do not be choosy , do not expect too much, just feed me, remember how exciting is the new beginings, the delicious anticipation of discovering the lines, and thetexture of a new body, the scent of it, remember,.....................................", and that is when my softer side comes to help ferrociously," just remeber everything has a cost, and nobody might not find out, but you would know, and you know how you become your worst enemy, remember guilt, you don' do well with guilt, remember the heavy weight of crossing everything that you expect from yourself,, and all thise pills , not as a man but, the genderless part of you, the best part of you, just remember there always is a cost, remember the last time, nobody knew then but you did and let's see , yes it took you three years of therapy and all those pills, do not go there, do not open that door".
And at times like that, as degrading and Juvenile, Masturbation has become, the cumbersome effort of finding a sence of arousal alone by yourself , even the ever croaded arteries which make the mechanics of it harder to reach than ever, and the void, the emptiness after
ward, would look more appetizing than ever, so you promise your gender happy side, " not now, maybe later, another time, I am not ready, no full course meal to satisfy your hunger, just be happy for fantasies, the late night shows, and all they bring you, after all you are a married middle aged man, so sit back and enjoy all you can get, I only could afford, $3.95 and all the pleasers that you could buy with that". And then you reason with yourself that it is only Natural, it is practiced widely by most married men by now tired of asking for it, and we all, all of us middle aged married men do get to submit to it, and play together in unison all over this land most every night. Some how the urges go away, and that bit of pleasure that is left in your head, that morsel of left over fantasies, would ease your tension and help you sleep.
The next day, you feel batter writing a poem, maybe another chapter of the book, though the allure of sin, the creamy soft fleshed head less stranger with thick thighs and full body, the one that always hunt you is prancing still some where in you Subconscious mind, playing hide and seek, waiting for a return.
Posted by Idinraha at 11:31 AM | Comments (6)
August 03, 2005
Writers
God is a writer, I am pretty sure of that, I mean to imagine all he has and create it, it definitely takes an active imagination, and such fine discipline, and to some extent a fgreat appetite to create.
Only a good writer would take the time, and come up with such detailed characters, in their physical attributes, their difference, the whole idea of Genders, and how they come to complete each other.
and then coming up with their psyche, their imges of themselve, and all around them, the set up, the scenes, and how generous she has been in her allowances for her charachters, making them capable of loving, desires, gets even more complex with subconscious, the conscious and its hold on them, how they wish, they dream, and all the possibilities in their realations, how they relate to each other, and even love and procreate, such fertile mind, such glorious vision, the knowing, and all of her, from her, the creation. and then she gets the chance to sit and watch them, every life a complete story, and so many of them the pleasure of creating that by itself goes beyound any realm of logic and reason that we are capable of in our feeble minds. WOW
Yes Bliss on tap, yes, just the little me and all the joy i get from writing my little story, and how much pleasure she is capable of, the word Heaven seems more clear now. If emotions are her domain the richness within her, of all we feel, since she created them, longings, loving, missing, calmness, Euphoria,ecstasy, wow, and having the know how to come up with them all. And sadness that I am sure has engulfed her seeing all her senses, emotions in her characters, the lives that they live, their birth, their growth, their lives, loves, rages, and ignorance, all and all.
It is no wonder that such arrogance comes to us the ones that write, as we dare to the vast unknowns of creations, to the artist of all levels, how it makes us feel mighty and alive. How we feel a better hold in our understandings, our creations, how we live with them within them, and pay the cost, it is a godly trait, it does go beyound as it comes to life within us. the writers.
Posted by Idinraha at 11:30 AM | Comments (0)
August 02, 2005
Captains log, Day two
As we are going inside the real of imagination, to go where many has ventured before and have come back with less of themselves, for there is always a cost.
I am anxious, the book is going good, and I have been writing at least two hours daily. i feel my writing is more together and seamless in the last three chapter, maybe because the scenes are more intimate which appels more to my style of writing. It has been such a learning experience, and there is some confidence in me now, knowing how good or bad the result I have had the courage and the discipline to take a stab at it. He told me long time ago, that I did have a choice to get out of it, not knowing, by writing about the task, I had made it impossible for myself not. I think, maybe not the style of writing, or the story, but the volume of the writing has surprised him.
It is not that the jest of the writing or the essence of it is just to impress him, but in some ways being able to feel worthy of the effort that many has taken to bring me here, and their trust and promise in me. Again I might finish the book, and never get to publish it, but it would be my book, warts an all, and so very dear to me, for I have experienced it by the hours that I have put in it, no matter how deliciously enjoyable those hours have been.
I remember when i was going to school, and working in the store, although we did not have much to live on, I always knew that I had to finish what I started it. Many of my friends under the same situation did give up, but I got there by the skin of my teeth.
" you will have all the times in the world to finish your book, while we are away", she told me, in a way she is excited for me, the other day she said "if you finish your book, I could tell every one when I am asked, that my husband is a writer.".
Flirting with the girls at the coffee shop makes me feel like a dirty old man, but in a way, it sustains me, I do not know why it matters so much, to recieve those looks, the fliricious stares, but some of it might be to fill a certain sense of vanity, of being still recognised, they say men cheat on their wives cause they are afraid of dying, I say, I flirt so I could still be in the game, play, like a kid that I was used to. Playing is important to any one of us psychologically, going trough life with worries and respomsobolities, playiong allows us a certain release. Ido get myself in some thight situations, by flirting and being shameless, but so far i have been able to be happy at that and be able to flee when i have to , keeping my virtue, and in many ways my respect for myself intact.
Captain's log, heh, in a way we are all taking that trip within all live, going toward the black hole of death, and it is all the discoveries thaqt keeps us on oujr toes, the discoveries within our psyche and the imperessions it takes from the world we live in. captain Kirk symbolises all the humanity in us, all our urges, fears, and desire, and Spock, is our logic, our conscious, and they both come quite handy when we need them against all the aliens we see in our search. It is that simple.
today my experience of the life I live is of a Forty six years old man, with some gray hair, not much, a very grayed beard, still flirting with life and its possibilities. and trying very hard to fit within the logic of his time, while not depriving his creative side.
She worries about me, she worries about leaving me alone, at eight she has much better understanding of human emotions and sensibilities that many women I know, i hope I deserve her, i hope she would be proud of me, and understand my short comings," i will miss you", she says," no you wont, you should not, there is so much for you tosee once there, and you know i will be here once you come back, so go, and have fun", I say. and I am curious how I will react, how I will survive, but I know I will.
Posted by Idinraha at 04:51 PM | Comments (2)
August 01, 2005
SHOW TIME
Hello,.......hello,hello, hell,,,he.....
Hmm, No one's here, do you hear, no one's here, I can here my own footsteps, I will open new windows, and I will paint the walls, the keys are changed, and that suits me so fine. The key holder is a trusted friend,............. The possibilities are so boundless, I can be more shameless, although Cyrus will not think that is possible, I can digg deeper, cut trough, say the words as they come to me, no middle class sensibilities, no, no.
There is certain freedom in this, Fereydoon can take it and Cyrus loves me enough to put up with it, he gives me emough rope, and once in a while he pulls me in, tells me to behave, and I try..........
imaqine, being able to say what you want, what you feel, wow....I can not wait, allowing myself more freedom,........
This was due was necassary, I am not posting as much as I used to with the book taking over most of my writing time, and it is so fullfiling to me,... I wish you would know, so far, only Cyrus and Fereydoon, and I have also invited Inas, she is a female but she is also a fellow writer, a generous title bestowed upon me by her, and she would understand my trespasses, my curiosity, I am sure she would, so maybe three readers...... I am fine with that, and maybe a new attitude, more abstract, more reaching, no tale about anyone but myself and the characters I create, although my two male friends are rather private, but the security of privacy may coax them to give more, and allow deeper cuts, more discovery.
This means more work for me,......I have to come up with more interesting subjects, i would even might take you to the dark side of my soul, the nightmares, the urges, yes, yes, a complete overhaul, how about that, I know by now some of you are ready to send back your passwords, and quit, but stay, be a bit daring, and soon it would be
SHOW TIME.
Posted by Idinraha at 05:29 PM | Comments (0)