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August 15, 2005
Sanity, chees puffs, chocolate, and Law&Order
It took me a while to do it, it had driven me crazy. but I took one of the maqgezines in the office and waited patiently, my firts few attempts failed. I had to watch it and learn which direction it took as it slipped out and flow away. At last I understood that the magezine shoud be on top with its direction facing its head, it flew forward as it slipped out, so Wack, I got it, it was a small victory, which did make me happy until there was a replacement for it, doing exactly the same thing the first one was doing to annoy me.
I should not watch myself, you see if you worry about your actions and look for some signs of trouble, the actions itself becomes the trouble, so you have to let go. step out of your head, and dont try to watch yourself. no, just allow the movements and thoughts to roll as they do naturally. althought there is this silence in my head, yes in my head, not outside of it. like there is a man sitting on the chair inside my head,watching quietly, and all it has brought by himself is the silence. So get on with little pleasures. as human beings we need little pleasures to make us feel happy, like we are getting our share and there is a balance. Chocolate is fine, so is cheese puffs, Kit Kats, why not, if it helps the situation. Watching naked women, God I am slipping, but it would be okay, this is self medicating I remind myself, just coaping. What about reading a good book, ah, no patience for that, I am not ready for complex thinking, just give me animalistic urges and lets satisfay them slowly, it will kill time and soon there would be dark, maybe Diet pepsi. Yes last time I tried it I like the taste.
The electricity was gone yesterday by four PM, due to severe thunder storms, and rain. I sat in the store for a few more minutes, as much as having to deal with another extra hour at my empty home was unpleasant, sitting in the store with no electricity was worse. So I left. Fuck the customers I thought, nobody is gonna show up in this wheather any way. AS I left I felt like the Captain leaving its ship as it was sinking, maybe I should have stayed one mor hour, that would have felt better, since we close at Five anyway on Sundays. But I left, got myself to Wall Mart, my favorite store. A bag of Cheese puffs, for a $ one dollar, God how could that be, a large bag of M&M's with peanuts, I like the crunchy feel of it. and a bag of assorted KITKATS, and a large bottle of Diet Pepsi, yes that would be heaven. I notice I was not enjoying my own company, being in the crowd, and felt the silence in my head. I only feel it when I don't hear myself talking for a long time. I paid the automatic cashier. it did talk to me but I could not answer it, so I paid and was happy my new advanture only cost me about Seven Dollars, I would have looked at some of the T shirts but, I was tired and had to go home. Some how home feels the safest place to be in. on the way I tried to pick up my new bottle of the generic shit they are giving me instead of Paxil, but the Farmacy was closed, more angst for me, no Paxil for a day. I had to wait till tomorrow.
In the back of my head I was happy I had excersised extra hard in the morning, and it probably had made enough saratonin, that a day without Paxil would be Okay. Got home, and thank God the house was cool. The last two days I have developed a new habbit, once I get home I take all my close off, and walk around the house naked. why, I do not know, it just feels comfortable, then I rememberd how my mother used to tell me about crazy people that usually tear out their cloth, so I put on a T-shirt, giving myself a bit of distance.
Did you know there are Channels that even at Four in the afternoon show some episode of Law and Order, that made me so happy, watching Law&Order, munching on Cheese puffs, and M&Ms, wow, the Tv's noise made me not to think, and that was good. two hours later Julia called asking If I would like to go over her house for dinner, I was so full of the junk food I had that I declined, although Pasta sounded so very good. Mt wife called and by the time I found the phone it got discounnected, I called her, and the first thing she asked was why am I breathing so heavy, I explained I was running around, looking for the phone. She asked if I had a guest over the house. I told her I wished.
I got an Email from my teacher Dr,B. She is back from her vacation. and she had gotten the news of my poems being published, and she was so excited that she had tears in her eyes, she wrote. that was the high light of the evening. I wrote her back,and thanked her. then got another Email from another good, interesting friend, the subject matter was fun, I wrote her back, and back to another episode of Law&order.
I finsihed the evening feeling bloated and satisfied. There is a new series on TNT, WANTED, I like it, so that was the last show i watched. Then I did my prayers, and went upstairs, read some Magezine and then fell sleep.Knowing I would see Elvis's face on the day he died in the mirror tomorrow, promissed myself not to look and then I thought WShat the Fuck, and went to sleep.
This morning I walked to the Gym feeling so tired. one of my friends asked me what was wrong, I just grawled at her. she got the message. I managed to excersize for an hour, got to the store felling better. And wrote more on chaqpter Twelve, i wrote a very nice scene with Malcolm looking at himself in the mirror and enjoyed it a lot. I got me some beef lomein for launch, and watched LOST IN TRANSACTION again. Some how the subject matter of a middle aged men being away from his wife and kids felt very close. Although i know I would have felt better if I had someone like Scarlette Johanson walk in on me.
You know I could feel with the guy and his angst, being with this beautiful much younger girl, and not allowing yourself to do anything. I like getting older, and Bill Murry plays the man so beautifuly. One has to have certain respect for beautifull things that one would come across, and I know that somehow just feeling that you are wanted and you can do it, is satisfying enough that you don't have to do it. believe me it feels much better.
i know tonight I will get my colorfull drems back, with the shapes that burst and converge in each other. I got my pills this morning and took an addititonal five milligram so I would get the kick. hohoho, cheap thrills. I have ten more paragraph to write for the chapter Twelve, so I better get busy. LIfe SUCKS,...BIG TIME.
Posted by Idinraha at August 15, 2005 12:06 PM