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August 12, 2005
jav talking
I think the loneliness is getting to me. This morning I got up and my stomack was in a knot. I got ready and left the house by Seven. I told myself excersize will do me good, so forty five minutes on the cross country Machine, fifteen minutes of Boxing, and another half an hour of lifting. I was done. but still feeling a pressure on my chest, not being able to breath easy. Again I told myself its the heavy excersize and get over it. took a shower and got to the store by nine thirty.
Dr B, is away and I am not getting any feed back from her. I am not sure I am on the right track with the story, and I think I am rushing it a bit, but I have to wait untill she comes back, and let me know what she thinks. I am a bit discouraged, and puzzled about where I am going with the story, I have the out line, I know where we shave to end up, but how to get there, i have to choose. It used to be so clear to me even a few days ago but I think the pressure is getting to me. Business sucks BIG TIME, and I feel tired and helpless, but I have to get over it. I know once I start putting the characters together they will save the day, but I am not inspired.
isn't it sobbering to feel how we need our own support system so much. Just the every day allowance we get and you get it so regularly that you don't think much of it, because it is there, and then when it goes away, you feel something is missing. In a way it is a good experience too. It allows me the knowing that how far I can take this, Am I stron g enough, have I grown to be independent of everything around me, I do not know but I guess we will see.
Saw a great movie yesterday LOVE ME IF YOU DARE, very dark subject matter , but I could identify with the obseesive feelings of the characters, with their longing and helplesness. If you deny the truth in your life it would bite you in the ass. It was a dark love story, no sacharin, showing it as it it. love burns, you just have to enjoy the pain otherwise it is not for you, no, no haert shaped chocolate goodies no sentimental sensibilities, Love as naked and raw it could be. I always get back to this poit. The cost of everything, and your readyness to accept and pay it. Catch the movie, but don't expect sugar coated sentiments, it is cynical and raw.
there are a few good movies coming. CONSTANT GARDNER, based on John Le carr's book with Ray Finnes. Nobody but nobody can show case pain the way he does. have you seen English patient, or one better, the END OF AFFAIR. If you ever had an affair, if you ever fell in love at the wrong time in your life, you will identify with it, but if you have not it might look toodark and obsessive to you. There is another movie, that is painfully enjoyable DAMAGE, huh thats a good one, with Jeremy Iron at his best. He is so good, I don't know if you have seen LOLITA, the new revision of it, with Jeremy Iron, it is a tough movie too watch, it shows how obsession and love can corrupt and it shows even at the depth of its despai how we always try, and try harder to get back what we have lost-- Our own self, and the piece that comes with the recognition it needs to keep you sane.
Posted by Idinraha at August 12, 2005 09:41 AM
Comments
Dude, you are not making sense - what's with this wallowing in self-pity? How will the fact that now business sucks and you are feeling tired be fixed by having the characters in the book take shape?
And what is this being strong enough to be independant? The only time you can be totally independant is when you're dead - and that does not need strength. Also, the manifestation of strength comes from the action created on points of leverage and support - in a vacuum (and with no support) strength is meaningless. Think about that next time you are at the gym ;-)
I'm not getting all this, so maybe my comment should be; Is there something that I can maybe help you with?
Posted by: cycho ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.idinraha.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at August 14, 2005 01:36 PM
My dear source of sanity in my life, my dear man. You have doen so much for me already, and I guess we are not teenagers any more, I will get through, I always do. Sorry obout the rants, they are a downer. I was just saying that my situation has effected my writingsm but if I try ad it it would be okay. incidently can you get your hand on any original paxil Cr, that might help. Forgive my angst, this will pass too.
Posted by: Idinraha at August 15, 2005 10:18 AM