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August 09, 2005
Loneliness and Urges
I have found living by myselkf could be dangerous to my life. I am not talking emotionaly, I will not go there yet, but physically, last night I was stuck with a water downed spagetti, and a piece of Veal Parmagan that tasted like chewing on leather, I chew well as you know but there was no way to get it cut to pieces.
The first night I was alone, I thought okay a good size Pizza and some beer would distract me enough to pass the hours and go to sleep. I ordered a large delux, what a mistake. You see I usually do not eat Pizza, maybe sometimes I get a bite of plain Pizza while my kids or eating, or sneak out to the kitchen without my wife watching me and get a bite of the left over crust.
I had My beer, took the whole pie to the family room and sat on the floor right across from Tv. The first piece was okay,mouth watering with the cheese and all the variety of the meat on the topping, I felt hungry and coureges enough, to go for the second. drinking my beer feeling okay, but half the way trough the second bite, the tinge of the oils from the meats, and the cheese had gotten to me, I swigged anoer gulp from my Beer rying to wash the taste down but in a minute, I was at the toilet losing my Pizza, so much for that.
I put the rest of the pie in the refrigarator, my cash fllow not allowing me to dump it in the garbage, thinking well if I only eat one piece a night it would carry me trough at least a few nights. My mouth tasted horrible, even after I used the mouthwash. I went upstairs and found the cookies that my wife hides from me under the bed, brought a few down, made some tea and was carefull not to have too many. God they make the cookies so sweet this days, and there is no flavor to them, all you taste is the sugar, but the tea settled my stomck.
Watched two hours of Law and order, felt a bit compromised not doing anything, went to the computer and wrote a few paragraphs of the book. I felt more worthy after hat, watched some more movies, checked the flight scheduall to see when they would reach there. The flight had two hours delay, I could not stay awake till Three. so I did my prayers, anoher thing I do to feel worthy. after ward I took a shower and went to sleep.
I am excersizing a lot harder these days, I need my body to be as tired as I could, so finding sleep would not be difficult. It is my third day leaving by myself, and I have been already trough fifteen can of beers. This morning I looked at my puffy face, looking like Elvis on the day he died, and promised myself not to eat any more Junk foods. My right eye is not coaperating these days I noticed, pushing furher to the side and as much as I am trying to get used to it, I don't like it. So I did some eye excersize, and felt better about it afterward.
I think my savior emotionally is the book, it accupies a lot of my time and it is going well, I am finishing chapter nine, and still very amazed at how it is coming along, how the characters lead me and make me a part of the lives they have lived.
It has been so important for me also these days to set the parameters of my living without my every day support of my wife and kids. To walk the fine line, and stay within the geogrophy of what has been left of my Sanity, cleaning after myself even more than I am used to, and keeping the house as well as I was trusted to. The woods are fetching and I miss my trespasses, but with no "direction home" left to me, I would not dare, I am not brave and I need to stay put more than ever for all that is so very valuable to me.
Its amazing to me, how soulless I am at my most animalistic urges. I put it as the fact of my gender, the carelessnes that comes to us men once we realised how extended( even superior, you know we can stand out!" we are within physical attributes of our gender and how so deliciously we can submit to our urges. I hear the man in me the needy echoes of my flesh,"Of course, of course you could, and why not who will know, call her, invite her over it would be so delicious in its danger, and the sordid expectations that would come with it, go to a bar find the loneliest girl you could fine, use all your charm, and bring her home, it would do you good, it would inspire ( a good excuse for creative writers) you, and nobody would know, do not be choosy , do not expect too much, just feed me, remember how exciting is the new beginings, the delicious anticipation of discovering the lines, and thetexture of a new body, the scent of it, remember,.....................................", and that is when my softer side comes to help ferrociously," just remeber everything has a cost, and nobody might not find out, but you would know, and you know how you become your worst enemy, remember guilt, you don' do well with guilt, remember the heavy weight of crossing everything that you expect from yourself,, and all thise pills , not as a man but, the genderless part of you, the best part of you, just remember there always is a cost, remember the last time, nobody knew then but you did and let's see , yes it took you three years of therapy and all those pills, do not go there, do not open that door".
And at times like that, as degrading and Juvenile, Masturbation has become, the cumbersome effort of finding a sence of arousal alone by yourself , even the ever croaded arteries which make the mechanics of it harder to reach than ever, and the void, the emptiness after
ward, would look more appetizing than ever, so you promise your gender happy side, " not now, maybe later, another time, I am not ready, no full course meal to satisfy your hunger, just be happy for fantasies, the late night shows, and all they bring you, after all you are a married middle aged man, so sit back and enjoy all you can get, I only could afford, $3.95 and all the pleasers that you could buy with that". And then you reason with yourself that it is only Natural, it is practiced widely by most married men by now tired of asking for it, and we all, all of us middle aged married men do get to submit to it, and play together in unison all over this land most every night. Some how the urges go away, and that bit of pleasure that is left in your head, that morsel of left over fantasies, would ease your tension and help you sleep.
The next day, you feel batter writing a poem, maybe another chapter of the book, though the allure of sin, the creamy soft fleshed head less stranger with thick thighs and full body, the one that always hunt you is prancing still some where in you Subconscious mind, playing hide and seek, waiting for a return.
Posted by Idinraha at August 9, 2005 11:31 AM
Comments
OK, you had a thought going, but at the end you suddenly stop - did you have to go and throw up again?
Hope you're feeling better!
Posted by: cycho ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.idinraha.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at August 9, 2005 06:29 PM
It's inevitable, my friend. Rationalizations will get you no where. Resist nothing-- surrender to nothing, and you will have everything.
Posted by: inasy at August 11, 2005 02:46 AM
resist nothin and surrnder to nothin. Hmm, interesting. you are showing us a different view of yourself, and a rather interesting one at that. I am just rtying to vent out, and not give you any of my emotional angst.
Posted by: Idinraha at August 11, 2005 11:47 AM
No my dear man I just had some technical problem due to my clumsiness, and just that once was plenty for me.
Posted by: Idinraha at August 11, 2005 11:50 AM
please take all the liberties you need to vent and emote, with or without angst. I doubt anyone will hold it against you. I celebrate such confessional moments. And would like to add this ideological confession of my own.. I do not believe in SIN, not conceptually at least.
Posted by: inasy at August 11, 2005 11:58 AM
Wow, you are full of surprises my friend. and I have been walking on egg sgells so I would not offend you with my rants. You make me jelous again, as I come to new discoveris in you. Huh,
would not could not have guessed it at all, seemes we have to turn pages and read the story again, If only , If only I was good enough to be woman. Now there you will find possibilities.
Posted by: Idinraha at August 11, 2005 01:50 PM