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October 03, 2005
crashing to less
Well, it was probably a virus. All last week, feeling achy, and weak. Got up Monday night with chills, put on more clothes on and socks, covering myself head to toe, took three Advil. and went back to sleep. I think more than anything, I am physically tired. So I have been sleeping, every chance I get, and last night I told Marjan, that's my new obsession, sleeping, resting, she just shook her head.
The sleeping feels good, the resting, I am calmer now, after a whole week of adv ills, every four hours, full covers, and sweating like a pig as I walked and talked. I feel better today, I just took my first two Advil for today. And no smoking, for the last four days, I do miss the anguish it brought me, but it feels good not filling my lungs with the smoke, and my head feels clear, and calm. Drinking less coffee too. It's like I am de-toxin, and get these gushes every once in a while, but then I let them go away, and they do.
I have to learn to be kinder to myself, yup, it's a learning process, and I have to learn it again before the rules change, I think I will settle for just LIVING for a while, just breathing in and out, and taking less of everything. Maybe even wanting less, I don't know, but it would be so good. to just occupy the space I am supposed to, to talk less, eat less, just less, of every thing. Now if I could do that and want less, and ask for less, and be happy about less. I don't know, but somehow, I end up watching more, and seeing more. Sleep might be a good solution, if I spend more time on the fringes of consciousness, then that might help.
Any way right now, I feel calm, and there is a certain clarity about all this. I don't know about later, but later will take care of itself, I guess. There is a nice pleasing ache in my muscles, and bones, as if I just woke up from a long dream, and it's nice, I could take a nap. Maybe all this has something to do with finishing the book, maybe. I know all last week was about crashing and falling apart. Yet this week, I feel more together, maybe I wont do anything for a while, no editing, no new books, or a play, or a poem. I mean it is not a race and I could do them later, if I was inclined, but for now, maybe I just rest, until I get bored, then I will do it again.
Posted by Idinraha at October 3, 2005 01:28 PM