Idinraha unshackled...

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March 03, 2006

At night..........................

At night as I lay to sleep, as my body sinks in the comfort of my bed, and my eyes closes, inside my head I travel. I have been blessed by Photographic memory, blessing that at times could hurt me, as it does. Sometimes it is good to forget.

I go back to where I was born, my town, Tehran. And amazingly I see everything in such a detail, I could breath the air, and fill my lungs with the scents of my town .I could walk along side of Pahlavi, by the green trees, mostly on the right hand side, going up town, Passing by Foroshgah Bozorg, and watching the people across the street, some walking some standing by the ticket counter to get their tickets to see a Movie. Further up I see where I had my first Rendezvous with that girl Nahid> I had met her in my English class, and we had a date to go see a movie. I was probably Fifteen, looking older than my age. We walked to Shahreh Farang Cinema, and inside the movie theatre we held hand, and what a treat that was.

I used to go to the movies a lot, mostly by myself, Shareh Ghesseh Cinema was my favorite destination. It showcased the more artistic movies. the kind that made me wonder, and quench my curiosity, after ward, I would walk along the Argentin street, going home, while in my head, I went over every scene of the movie I had seen, every frame. I remember a snowy day, when I got a ride from a man, and we had a nice talk about how snowy days make people kinder. I got off at Afar street where we lived, and walked the rest of the way.

I can see Choob's house in my head. I remember the day no one was home and he did not have his key, so he climbed the two story wall and got in through the upstairs. Once inside the foyer, it was dark, and cool. we always ended up in the kitchen and soon we were munching trough the left overs, and bread and butter and Jam. we sat at the booth in the Kitchen and it seemed everything was all right with the world. If his mother was home, she never used to come down from upstairs. I used to know most of the mothers of my friends, but I could never hook up with Choob's mother> she was distant and cold.

I think what's disturbing to me, may be I should not used that word, not really disturbing, it's the clarity of these visions, how I see the details, the scents, the lighting, inside my head. Last night I was thinking, it's been thirty years since I have been in my town. That is a life time. And its the difference of the realities of these times, where I live and where I have lived. Choob always tells me that as a young man, I did not give a damn about many things that were important to the other kids, I don't know. All I remember is the feeling that I had, so misplaced, so foreign, and how my moods changed. I was not friendly to many people, and was a bit of snub, and feeling like an imposter on top of that, I don't know how I survived my teen years. There was so much I wanted and so much seclusion I needed. I think one of the things that attracted me to Choob, was the fact that he was so very different from me. IT IS WHAT IT IS, he always said, Oh, WHAT COULD IT BE, I said.

I think in many ways, my wife has the same effect on me, she is much more factual than I am. She is much simpler than I am, in many ways, she is much more Choob. She grounds me, she is mky way inside. MY connection to this world and the only person in my life that is more real than any thing. She is my prize, my claim to all the bounties of earth, and more than anything, my relationship with her is what holds me and centers my life.
I never expected her being in my life, and still once in a while as she is sleeping I find myself looking at her and wondering. I guess I must have done something good sometimes, to deserve her.

Isn't it funny, I am writing about my life and the two names mentioned so far, is Choob, and my wife. You know I never thought I deserved Choob either, but that's me. I have not seen him in thirty years and the largeness of that number frightens me. The fact that it has been thirty years, and it has passed so quickly, its mind bugling to me.
Mehrnoosh, one of my friends told me a few years ago, YOU SEE TOO MUCH, and YOU LOVE TOO MUCH. Maybe I do, but I can't change it.

I was thinking the other day, that the only real day in any ones life, is the day they die. That is the only present day that would not become a yesterday. ON that day, he or she would see everything again in his or her head. A life lived, and remembered, and how fast and how mercilessly deliberate. STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF
That was the most popular mantra a few years ago. Showcasing how we become the victims of time, and its rotation, no control, days pass and nights are slept away. It is like being in a crowd and led away, out of control, I don't know, maybe it is my depression talking, but many a times that is how it feels.

Last time I saw my mother I noticed she is getting old. I remember how beautiful she was, and in many ways she still it. Maybe I should say, I remember how young she was, and more than anything I remember her thick silky hair, and her porcelain skin. She is till gracefully and elegant, and has the sweetest smile, she is my mother, and although I do not see her as much as I want to. I do love her and she knows that. SO now there are three people in my life.
My mother, my wife, and Choob, the friend I have not seen in thirty years. eh, and of course the other two delights of my life, although they are the future of my life, they carry parts of me with them toward a forever, My son and my daughter. Parenthood is such a rewarding state. I look at them and wonder, I look at them and my heart beats faster, How I have come to have such privilege, the brown native me, how.

There are other dear friends, other relatives, but these five have the starring role in the comedy of my life. They are the reality of my life.

Posted by Idinraha at March 3, 2006 03:17 PM

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Posted by: cycho at March 16, 2006 03:01 AM

Posted by: LiveLife at April 1, 2006 05:34 PM

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