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November 28, 2011
The Fire Burns
The waves have settled.... The wind subsided ... I need to step out, outside my head....... Do not need to observe my life , just need to live it with instinct..........It seems the sun would leave the parlor, the curtain will come down and
darkness soothes my senses... it allows me to float with my eyes closed...... float within and fall ....
I feel whole again.... The sutures are getting covered by new skin... fresh and pink... the jagged edges are melding and the the cavities are covered by protean fibers......... The bones have healed though there is a phantom pain that sometimes flows through my bones and paralyzes me , waking me up or bringing me down to my knees..... I could take these little pills for pain to go away and She says if I take them regularly they never come back.....somewhere they get barricaded and left to decimate.....
I have left the room........ I sleep somewhere else and the situation seems so temporary, however I know I would never go back.....In my youth I vehemently avoided branding things as MINE.... it always was the car I use....the house I live in..... never mine.... I barely had claimed me , .........and then it was the yellowed skin......the poison and Coma...... and yet all the reasoning, all the logic,,,,, were not enough.... I put up a good defense and argued my case...........She would not hear of it......
And this burden of years , the crown of normalcy...... This accumulation of alphabets and numbers....the necessity of sunrises and sunsets, all of this, the reluctant son.... the cruel father , paternal yet blind to the sensibility of strangers and anything beyond the green Book of salvation.... oh he could not see ... and if he saw he would not recognize..................
Yes it pains me to be carrying so many faces, so many destinies.....the blind maze, the odor of growing fungus, the green smell of growth... and the blue colds of limits,... this circus... ... batches of eggs, the fertile genitals that survive cohabitation of ordinary and mundane..... this generation following the last in a blind maze....... There is not any individuality in living or death.....
Yet another sunrise and the life that awakens...............folowing the crowd at arms length......... the fire burns............
Posted by Idinraha at 04:12 PM | Comments (1)
November 11, 2011
There's a symphony in my head
There's symphony in my head...the notes, the rhythms, the pitch....I close my eyes and I hear the music.... I close my eyes and I am transported....taken.....such a short distance between living and death.....It is like turning a switch, On...Off , .......as Steve Jobs said.....On.., Off
There is a scene in the movie -Apocalypse Now, where Marlon Brando fills the screen with his shaved head down so you do not see his face and you see his hands coming up as the camera pulls back -Horror, Horror, you hear him whisper while holding his head, there is a flash back to the ceremonial sacrifice of a Bull .....and as the machete cuts the head, and the blood pours.... you see Martin Sheen coming behind Mr Brando coming to complete his mission
You can not tell me that at that moment the death is not welcomed by Mr Brando, it is.......as it was in the--The Last Tango in Paris , the saddest movie I have ever seen.......even at the most erotic points... there is desperation and sadness in the awkward way he pushes himself onto her........again the sadness of the main character is so overwhelming that he is pushing his lover, cajoling her, daring her to kill him........... Mr Brando, a master of subtle movements does not say much however every time he graces the screen the noise is maddening.
Are you involved in your life ? are you living it.....or you are a spectator watching over it....how do you know if you close your eyes, where you are and where you are going..... life is spent is seconds, minutes and hours, days, weeks and months,......yet it runs away so fast if you become conscious of it.....Life should be a distraction......or maybe a series of distractions...like jumping from one column to another ....beware not to catch yourself while you are midair...do not think when airborne ....you do and you fall..
I came across my life the other day walking down Fifth Ave in the crowd, I stopped him and asked him where has he been, where is he going and how, just how could he be so away from me. He smiled, brought his mouth close to my ear......"You have been dreaming my boy....catch the wind ,find me, before I sip out, slip away" . then he pushed me and ran ....
Does the station master ever go away and ........ the ship Captain who lives between two worlds ever know where his home is and ever miss being there...... Bus Stops, Train Station crowds and empties..... the Airports are quiet at midnight..... The birds are migrating south and the salmons braving the currents swim up the river..... Is there an instinct for living and dying...........and can we accept death as an extension or its only a switch...ON...off
There's a symphony in my head... The light opens the stage...The characters walk in and the music come sweet and soothing as the violins play... the men in colorful coats and pants the ladies in beautiful gowns, bare shoulders, necklaces, and golden chains...Up dos and hair done to there...the scent of perfumes fill the air........music pitches higher the flues and cellos, the keyboards and bells chime in.....the characters in colorful coats find the ones in beautiful gowns, bare shoulders.....they dance.....the spectators are mesmerised and then the lights go off.
Posted by Idinraha at 04:18 PM | Comments (2)