Idinraha unshackled...: Rants Archives

August 27, 2010

I can not wait for the rest of your life.....................

Looking at me while sitting in her car, getting ready to leave.

We had talked for a while about life, love, sublime nuances, Blue pottery, Sun flowers, separations,
, strange coincidences, serendipity, movies, "The single man" in particular, major distractions, our daughters
our sons, how boring men could be in general,

So I apologized for the length of my banter as she was getting ready to leave, and she said;
"are you kidding, I can not wait for the rest of your life...........

Posted by Idinraha at 04:47 PM | Comments (0)

April 22, 2010

Arrival

there is clarity once you close you eyes and allow the time to pass you by.
step in, walk blind, trust your instincts. Allow yourself the fall, pain brings
clarity in tortured morsels, gnaw on it, chew and swallow, you have to sustain
your fall, and move into it. There is a flexibility within you that fits your realm,
stretch, and exhale. you set the limits, don't.

Do not set any limits. stay with the clear, with light, you have to move beyond
pain and reach. focus, utilize all your senses and focus, but close your eyes,
there is a clarity that can not be seen, the past is a glance away and future just a
blink, keep your eyes closed, step in, walk blind.

You see man very much like you in a little garden fussing over the leaves green,
and flowers blooming in colors, immersed in beauty he has a smile on his face,
humming an old tone. you see him and you know you have arrived.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:07 PM | Comments (0)

December 24, 2009

It was a very good year

What a season, for believers and what a bore for those who think they know
more. One should envy ignorance. one should envy those quiet moments that
flee in day dreams. And yet we strive to know to learn, yet more and more. One
should be able to stop at a point where the excitement of discovery bleeds to
obligations of understanding and cruelty of knowledge that soothes and cuts
the same.

I bring you a flower to find a certain joy in your eyes and cherish your disarming
smile. And yet you can only find fault as you look closer and see the color, not red,
not yellow, not white. And the assumptions of my intentions in choosing THAT color,
and why a single why not a dozen. Questions pop in your head and the joy is lost
as I stand wondering....... thinking to myself what happened to the joy which led
to that disarming smile

She asked for a window. I took her papers, I took her a pen , a new pen. she
took the pen , stock the paper on the wall and drew a window. She thanked
me for the pen and the paper , I said I was grateful for the window and then
we sat together held hands and watched the people passing by.

Let me remind you if I may. I am of rain, wondering in the early mist that settles
in the woods far away. I was bred on mountain air and open spaces, grown
of soil but vagabond like wind. I don't stay too long yet I will stay inside you
forever . And you should know I am fragile the way the sun is on its last ray
at sunset and the day is at midnight.I flee when you are not watching and I come
back when you sleep and what brings me back every time is the promise of
your smile and memory of your kiss.

Remember I am the accumulation of my years, I am the collection of my times,
There is a two years old boy still running in my head and the scent of her breath
when I kissed her at Twelve still takes me away. I remember the first time I
touched her at Fifteen like it was yesterday and I hear what my father
whispered in my ear at Seventeen, the day I went away. the sweet smile
and glee in her eyes the first time we met, the woman I loved and met at
Twenty Seven. The cry of my son at his first breath and the tears of knowing
the love that takes over and overwhelms at thirty five. And four years later
at Thirty nine my daughter made me fall in love again on her birth. Yes I died a
little at Forty nine when he died sudden and stood closer to the ones I love.
Yes I am all here, a bit weathered but all here..........

Posted by Idinraha at 04:15 PM | Comments (0)

September 27, 2009

To think that I know

where have you been, where are you going. It all matters at the end. You come to realize the only law
that governs this existance, this cohabitation of molecules and cells fusions and bursts, beginings and ends and all the different posibilities of them is equilibrium--balance.

the shades receed, the sun rotates, night covers, dominos fall and stand and fall again in measured steps, the curtains open in sequences and close. there is a relation between the light and sounds, visions and colors , there is a harmony so obvious it can be measured. And there is much pleasure to trust this knowing this accumulated knowledge of senses. It is the same rythem in persistance rise of your rib case where the air flows in and out as the rythem of the Hemingbirds wings while it stands in flight.

The Apple falls as it ripens heavy in its goodness , giving in to the core fusion that balances this circling planet in exact mathematics of the univrse and its science, and all we see is that apple falls every time.

I stand in this moment this now that governs and has governed my conscies sense of being for as long as I remember, boy, son, man, lover , husband ,father, and always me inside the presence of the moments no matter what shape, always the same so insignificant within the depth of this being and yet
so aware and significant in understanding of my conscious being, and all that I have contributed to this gathering of the creature and the creator --though both the same and yet so seprate in their definition.
I stand on two feet keeping my balance with a smile on my face and the satisfaction that maybe for a moment I have come to think that I know.

Where have I been, Where am I going, it does not matter I might come to know again.

Posted by Idinraha at 08:39 PM | Comments (0)

September 04, 2009

Loneliness

I have come to believe one should treasure the allowance of loneliness for there
is a certain pleasure in seeking one's own companionship. I am baffled of how I
do not seek any others, and I am content to live the life of a hermit. It is so much
easier not having to explain the motives behind this or that, to be careless with
ones own thoughts and simultaneously accepting ones own shortcomings, and biases.

There is so much to do and so much to read, to learn. a Friend told me how
Updike's only regret upon dying was that he had so many more stories to tell.
And we can all see how Roth is writing feverishly to leave what he has to. To
write another novel, for there is such pleasure in writing that only those who
do come to yearn for it.

I guess as we all age we learn how to avoid complicating our lives. Follow the
line Son, and don't stray. take the time to get lost in the woods but leave enough
crumbs to find your way back. There is such comfort in aging, such a delicious
acceptance. I always wanted to have breakfast by myself in a diner while reading
the paper. However I never had the ease one should have to eat alone. A few years
back I happened to be hungry and ended up in a diner for a late breakfast. The
experience was as serene as I imagined.

I do yearn for companionship sometime. I enjoy the beautiful faces of strangers
who come to my shop sometimes more than I should. I am not a social animal,
however knowing that they would leave after a certain time helps. Once
their need is satisfied they go away. Not knowing that they have left me with
more than they intended. A beautiful face can always be inspiring, a familiar
voice or a phrase, the ones that stay and settle within you. That is one of the
pleasures of shop keeping.

I read not long ago a quote by a playwright. "Writers write to delineate their
loneliness". So one could suggest that the most productive writers are the
loneliest. Well there is so much ills to those who write............................maybe later !?

Posted by Idinraha at 05:07 PM | Comments (1)

November 21, 2008

Purge

Clouds gather rushing through the fields as the winds blow and dust fills the air, I can see a man walking toward the end where the sky breaks the horizon, his hands in his pockets his head down as his hair flow about him. the clocks hands move in deliberate motion, the earth rotates within the rhythms of time and creation, flowers bloom as the day flees the night and the light christens the day in its all dimensions. I can not look back, I can not stop, one step after the other as my longs are filled with air and and the internal blueprint within me pushes me further to the next game, next script, the next situation , as it holds me to the promise of my being and my lust to survive.

I can not walk the earth, I can not move the clouds, the winds would not abide me and the sun would not adhere to my will, I am the accidental creature of symbols and customs, I am the celebration of acceptance and conformity, I am the eternal mistake, the secret of my tribe, the common link, I am merely a man and I am condemned to proceed, to continue, to turn the page, write a song, to sing in tongues, to grow within my skin within my shell of flesh and bones, and I am alone, I was forced here, I did not know , I have been learning what I do not know. I am young and old in relativity of time and matter and all that does not, I am Divine, sinful , sane , a deity , macabre of paradoxes in my presence and illuminating in my absence, there are galaxies bursting within me and fusions of abstracts glowing matters hurl within layers of me flesh and bones, and the bursts of light that carries the totalities of this reality within the synapses of my brain, I perceive God and creation, I imagine heaven and hell and feel the most elusive senses within my veins, my flesh, my head, I am the one eyed beast, and the reality of this world I live in exists only within my conscious mind and this vast universe would come to end every time I die, for without me there is no perception of living and life.

I have been left out, not physically , I live within my circumstance, carrying my brief case, I hit the signs on the stages, I know my line, I have practiced, I hit the notes and carry my weight, the show must go on, and the re is no malice in me, I enjoy the sun's glow and the colors of nature, the simple dialogues and familiarity of faces and incidents, I enjoy the rhythms and repetitions, habits and customs, I feel the cool fresh sense of water in my mouth and my throat. I chew hard and teeth the flesh of ripe fruits and devour the filling texture of the morsels I eat within layers and layers of me, I am all animal, all human, all urges, all desires and yet my sin is of apprehension and haste
As I stand eyes wide open atop of all my gatherings and situations, watching me, curious in learning of all there is human and earth bond, all that is of earth within me and all there is spirit, and that is how I miss the bells ringing, losing my flock, left behind..................................................

Posted by Idinraha at 04:26 PM | Comments (0)

June 22, 2008

She cries

she cries, and the tears make the whites of her eyes brighter, as her black irises stand out, making her more beautiful in her innocence. She does not know how to coup, how to let go, she walks around the house, looking down, finishing a new task, fidgeting with the colorful menageries that decorate her house, while the thoughts web and cower in her head.

She was raised in doll houses with shiny beads an crystals that kept her in a certain glow. She was dressed in kind admiring glances that cherished her every move and yet she become a young woman of certain clarity in her
moods and her jests, her curtsy and her honor, righteous through and through, elegant in her pride, generous in her kindness. and we all became so accustomed to the way she stood tall.

She does not lose easy. she takes care of her own and there is a certain attachment to all she loves. And now he feels so slight in her arms, so broken, and she can not nurse him. she brushes his hair, smiles and sings him new lullabies. she feeds him soft morsels, wipes his mouth and chin, robs his feet and brings him sleep, and breaks her heart every time she has to leave him behind, over and over the finite reality of passages chimes in her
head, as she turns and walks away.

she comes to me and talks as the tears find their ways quietly, I hold her and she feels so slight in my arms, so broken, and I wish I could take her pain, some how wash it away from her and wear it like the shirts she hands me
every morning before I leave. She does not lose easy, and i am so accustomed to her pride.

' I have to accept, I have to surrender ", she told me the other day while dressed in her black outfit, and the whites of her eyes made her black irises to stand out.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:51 PM | Comments (0)

abundance

To come back with abundance of the suite cases I have packed and unpacked, the roads I crossed, not taken, the candles I burned in light of so many days. I wish I could say that I have moved further, by a foot , and inch, I wish I could say I have learned , maybe, I have observed, I have seen and still remember. It is like diving in a river that flows toward infinite horizons, but it does not take you, your feet cemented at the river bed, your eyes burning, and the open invitation to another passing, another adventure, but the feet of clay and wear of time would bring realization of a certain departure a certain passage, to evolve within all there is and become, just become a part of a whole, for its the separation that causes pain and sorrow.

So I drink the water and fill up, I stand behind the ethereal skin of my eyes and watch, not see, not look I watch with the enthusiasm of a kid locked in a room watching peers playing out. I am in, and I have learned to enjoy this captivity, I have learned to await the sunrise and blush in colors of the days and sing with the murmurs of the nights and be a care taker to all my flowers as I turn the soil beneath them, find them a place in the sun and watch them grow, I have learned to assimilate within the migration of hours and coronations of the years, the Tick Tuck of the watches and clocks reminding me of the movement and motions of life. living...........

So I drink the water and let it sip inside, I surrender to the day bare, needy and vulnerable, I know the story would spill
all in due time, no haste, the words would come, and i rush to register them, I rush to chew them as I learn the magic
of this stay........................

Posted by Idinraha at 02:19 PM | Comments (0)

March 01, 2008

Mediocrity

" the hardest battle of every man is against mediocrity", I said. She looked at me , her face pensive and surprised.
" you mean for you, your hardest battle in life? ", She asked. " I guess for me and many of my elk, we do not fit our aspirations, and somewhere we lose our resolve to reach, and then we have to compromise , we have to settle for what remains." I answered.

" and what is that remains ?". she asked. "life in its quiet spherical motion, in its everyday flow, in its habitual comfort",
I said. " And is there anything wrong with that ?", she asked. " Not really, you play the hand you are dealt, but there is a conscious tension in you, a longing for what it could be", I said.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)

December 28, 2007

Benazir Bhutto

The sweat was running down his face, the crowed pushing him from side to side, and the dizzying heat made it almost unbearable. he was following the Car and had to keep up with it. The device wrapped around his body felt heavy on him, cutting into his ribs with his every movement. He had to reach the car then he could detonate the bomb, but he was falling behind, he tried to pick up his pace, but it was the crowed the moved him at its own pace. then he saw her figure coming out of the Sunroof of the car, he had a chance now, he pulled the revolver out of his pocket, it seemed it took for ever for his arm to come up, he aimed for her neck, there was silence and he felt that everything around him came to halt, and the deafening silence covered all, he squeezed the trigger, once , twice, and suddenly the noise reached him hurling inside his ear with such a pressure he could not breathe. She fell and there was mayhem, noise, he went for the device and pulled and then there was noise, explosion, pressure, and silence.

The news ticker read, Benazir Bhutto assassinated, she was Fifty Four. Some of us would go where destiny takes us, and some of us cling to our careful lives, waking up every morning of every day, measuring our blood pressure, take our colorful pills and live another day. Benazir had a choice, she could live to be fifty five and even age further, get old, feel her arteries fill up with remains of her living and die in a hospital bed. She could be a has been as we all are mostly but not her. If you are the first born of Zolfaghar Ali Bhutto, and if you are named Benazir(without equal). If you watch you father rise to power, and then see him hanged. If you become the only shining star of your father's legacy, the head of his national party, the hope of millions of people and the hope of a ravaged
Democracy. You can not turn away from your destiny, there is no choice. you are here to serve a purpose, and for Benazir Bhutto that purpose was to honor her duty and die for what she believed in, Democracy.

Binazir Bhuto was born to an Iranian Mother Nosrat and Pakistani father Zolfaghar Ali Bhuto. She was educated at Radcliffe and Oxford. Zolfaghar Ali Bhuto was the founder and the head of Pakistan peoples party (PPP) elected to be the Prime Minister of Pakistan. Bhutto 's government was taken over by General Zia AlHagh, and later he was hanged , charged for corruption. Benazir became the head of her father's party and went on to oppose General Zia AlHagh .She was detained and spent six years in Prison. In 1988 She became the first women to be elected the Prime Minister of an Islamic Country. Her two terms as Prime Minister was tarred by accusations of Corruption by her and her Husband. She left Pakistan and lived in exile for the last nine years. Last year she was approached by Bush Government to help General Musharraf bring Democracy and free election to Pakistan. Once back in Pakistan she pointed and named three high ranking Military officers as the benefactors of Al Qaeda and Fanatic Muslims in Pakistan. She promised to deal with them once she was elected.

Benazi Bhutto delivered a lecture at Fair field university on September 30, 2007. Benazir had condemned the fundamentalist Muslims behind September terrorist attack at a new papers editorial," At this time of crisis, the American people must remember that those who use violence and terrorism the name of Islam are hypocrites. Their goal is to establish theocracies of ignorance that they can control and manipulate for their own political ends,"Ms, Butto reutterated those sentiments again and was hopeful that she could return back to Pakistan to reestablish her party and free election in her country.

The plan had been set in motion long before she returned to her country. Alternative plans, volunteers and alternative volunteers . her demise would serve so many Masters, so many causes, that you could say there was almost a race to make a martyr of her. Taliban, Al qaeda, Warlords of Afghanistan, The Fanatic Muslims of Iran, Syria and Iraq. The perverted merchants of arms through out Europe, Eastern Europe, and Russia, and General Musharraf, the newly elected president of Pakistan. The crowded streets of Rawalpindi was full of protesters chanting, Musharraf, Dog Musharraf. There is already a strong sentiment amongst people to blame Musharraf. I beg to differ. If Benazir elected the prime minister, it would have helped to legitimise Musharraf's regime. Musharraf needed a populist like Benazir to move toward a renewed democracy. He would have such a struggle to look forward to without her. If reelected Benazir was planning to guide her nation toward a more secular society, and put an end to the reign of Religious fanatics and the hate they spew in the Madrases through out Pakistan.

On the home front, there is a feverish attempt by the news Media to blame Musharraf, and George Bush for the death of Benazir. All the presidential Candidates hooking to the band wagon are trying to look as presidential and stern while giving their assessment written by their handlers. Over all her death brings back the Terrorism and Security as the main issue of the campaign again. Bush's success in keeping us safe here , the latest progress in Iraq, and the new assessment by CIA (Iran is not pursuing Nuclear weapons) of Nuclear Iran, had made terrorism and security a lesser issue of the campaign season. Democrats have tried so hard to balance the fields by pushing the environment as the most pertinent issue of the new century. The Financial centers of the world from China to Japan, London and New York were also shaken by the news od Benazir's death. The regional turbulence of Pakistan sharing borders with Afghanistan and Iran, and the emotional fervor of the religion shared by the most countries in this region, and its proximity to all the oil fields of Middle East would only result in higher prices of Oil
bordering at $100 a barrel.

Separated by two continents and the Atlantic Ocean we seem to be safe from all that troubles that region of the world, and we will go on, looking to find a man who can keep us safe in this flat, terrorism infested world. We might have become desensitized to the wars we fight outside our hemisphere, but every tremor , every quiver that unsettles the equilibrium of this lonely planet would find us. Benazir Bhutto has become part of the history but the effect of her demise would be with us for years to come.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:01 AM | Comments (0)

November 26, 2007

Once again, the town I loved

That is the title of a beautiful book by Reza Ebrahimi. raw sentiments of a man toward his hometown at a new beginning. The book is written with such heartfelt longing that it does crawl under your skin and shake your bone. I read t in my teens, leaving in Tehran, My town, but as a young man who had never left all he had, and was secure within the everyday habits of his life, I could not have understood it as I do now.

It is so very hard to separate our culture from our religion. Although in my business life I have come across many of my Jewish friends that are truly Iranians although they practice. The high school I used to attend was primarily a Seventh Day Adventist school that also accepted Muslim and Jewish students. We started each day with a prayer in the small Chapel. There was a great tolerance toward other religions but this was Uptown. This was were upper Middle class lived. The rate of education was high amongst the heads of the house holds. Mostly Doctors, or high ranking government employees, and of course the entrepreneur merchants that owned factories or were involved in export and import.

If you travelled for an hour toward down town, you would notice how the scenery changed. and if you went further another half an hour, getting close to the Gates of the Old Tehran, then the change was much more drastic. You had to pass Bazaar before you got there, and Bazaar was probably a two miles square compound of wholesalers of raw materials like Iron products, netting wire, wool, Fabrics, paper, and many more. Some of the most powerful, richest Merchants had started in Bazaar as an apprentice, and had made their millions by their Forties or fifties. These were mostly smart, shrewed individuals who had learned their trades in the school of hard knocks. Many of them did not know how to read or write, some younger ones had attended elementary and maybe even high school.

Bazaar was the heart of the economic power of Iran. And amongst these merchants they controlled over billions of
dollars worth of commodities and trade. About ninety percent of these merchants were practicing Muslims, and mostly quite devoted to their religion. You had to wear your religion on your sleeve to be successful amongst them. You had to attend the afternoon prayers at the local Mosque, and be seen there. You had to give away your Zakat(5% of your earnings) or Sahme Imam ( Share of the Imam from your earnings). You had to attend overnight Ahya (sermons at the Mosque during the holly month of Ramadan, and Ashura and Tasoa ceremonies). You would throw dinners for all the attendance of the Mosque during the holly month, and you would do this all brazenly in front and showing. Once you had accumulated enough wealth that you had no debts, you also would go to Mecca for Haj ( every Muslim is obligated to go to Mecca at least once in their lives to pay respect to the house of God and participate in religious rituals there) and once you come back from Haj you would add the word Hajji (someone who has been to haj ) to your name and off course that would elevate your position amongst the other merchants.

Most of these Merchants would have lavish houses uptown, and commuted to work every day in their latest European or American cars. Their kids would be exposed to the more modern ways of life amongst the educated Doctors engineer's kids and they attend some of the best schools and even go to universities. Some of the Hajjis become exposed to European lives by their wives and kids, and even might enjoy a beer or a drink at night. Their religions would start to lose its grip as their standing elevated amongst their peers uptown. But these Hadji's kept their appearances, many would never wear a tie with their suites, many would have a two day stubble's, and of course the mark that their MOHR ( the stone you push your forehead against while you are kneeling and praying)
on their foreheads.

Some would add a bit of a spice to their double life by having a woman on the side quietly. they would buy her an apartment in mid town, and pay for her living. They could have a SIIGHEH ( a man can marry a women for a period of time, that was preset by agreement of the two parties. By reading a certain Surret from Quran in which the woman agrees and accepts that she is willing to become a short term wife, and union was not sin and accepted by the religion.). The man would have full control of such a union and he could release her and himself by simply
telling her that he is done and she s divorced. There are many tails, stories in Iranian books and movies of the tragedies that are caused by this ritual. Many of these women became pregnant, and many kids were born and raised in such situations.

-will continue

Posted by Idinraha at 11:15 AM | Comments (0)

November 24, 2007

Writers write

I was reading some of my rants on the site, old ones. I guess that in many ways fulfills the promise of this discipline.
I enjoyed them. I enjoyed the words, how they had come together, their projection and their flight. How could a writer not write?. someone asked me long time ago. I had no answer, for next to our gathering with my wife and kids, waking up in the morning or getting sleep talking to my wife in bed, there is nothing as fulfilling to me as writing.

There is a season to everything, a time, and so many other elements - an audience, a muse, inspirations, and it seems for the short while that I posted everyday here, I had it all. but time is fluid, it passes, people change, muses go away, the audience leaves or the writers becomes disillusioned, and earth moves in its deliberate motion. But the words stay and live for an eternal forever. I do have an obsessive compulsive charachter on top of so many other shortcomings, I do not stick around for too long, I get bored, and I fly away.

But these are interesting times, there is so much mayhem and destruction in the world. The rise of the Yellow race, the dying of the Green Africa, the intolerance of accepted moralities, and the indifference of so many good men. The Global warming that is sold retail, Causes that are made to front profiteers, the ever struggles of Good, Evil, and bored. Its the Primary Season for packed audiences and calculated answers at prime time debates.

Same characters, different names, same thirst for power, same greed, as perverted as ever. The world is a stage and the show must go on. We have it all in all colors, minions of color coded morals and values, the script is written, the piper is paid, God is in exile and humanity in its full arrogance and savagery is on a hunt. Silence is the language of God, and in all our pretenses we are not Godly, so what does a writer do, if we can call ourselves one, we write.

We object , we disagree, we mock, we chew the words and spit, we persuade, we call, we incite, we revel,
we say, we define, and say it again, we decipher, we count, we deliver, we move, we push, we invite, we deny , we deliver and we write..................................

So let us not lose heart, let us find a new season, a new rise within our bones, find our voices, warn of the wicked ones coming our way, warn of the storm in the horizons afar, warn of the decay of the quiet days, read, comprehend, understand, and offer our words, our opinion, come what may...............................

Posted by Idinraha at 12:15 PM | Comments (0)

November 14, 2007

the woods are inviting..............

Lets, lets go to the beginning, lets turn the page, remember my smile, I cherish your whisper, hold my hand and
lets walk to the woods, again for a new beginning, lets listen to the wind, and allow the rays of the sun to soothe our skin, lets be curious and celebrate a new beginning, lets be curious and watch with wonder in our eyes and thirst deep inside .....

remember my smile, i cherish your whisper, leave the distances be, and get closer, there is so much, so very much to see, so very much to say, the woods are inviting, we are better now, much calmer and we understand time, lets begin another story...... lets.......

the woods re inviting, and soon you remember, how much you loved me, how much you love me, the enigma, me, your enigma, the one you do not understand but still .............................you will remember how you loved me, and I will be your guide, your beloved, your friend, the enigma, your enigma, for I have been yours for an eternal ever, you know the one who make you smile, the one that writes you poems and decipher them to you each day, loud and clear, don't hide your smile, you know that for an eternal forever I have been yours, and I will be your poet soldier.

Posted by Idinraha at 05:37 PM | Comments (0)

November 01, 2007

Fragile Moon

Time goes by, I am sleeping better these days. Have to push myself , step by step, I think is the struggle that I like, I do a lots of crossword puzzles, trying to focus with my bad eye. As I said I like the struggle. Comfort bores me, there always should be more, a bit further, maybe behind the next door, curiosity, I told Dr Kline how I am getting interested in Science magazines, even Car magazines.

I am also becoming more selfish, more private, Do not think I want to share, at least not with the people I know, why should I let them inside. Loneliness becomes easier once you accept it. I read Wayne Dyer these days and his words wash over me. Calms and cleanse me. The light at the end of the Tunnel is so far away but time is my friend, I will crawl, and in time I would get there, in the mean time there is so much to learn, " you never change what you are and never stop changing who you are".

I have always said, it is between writing and therapy. I enjoy both, Captive audiences in both case. But writing for me is even more internal, there is no projection and it mostly dwells in subconscious. I like that. There is no road map, no guidelines, you come hungry and leave fullfield, even if for a day. There are simpler ways to live and many ways to be simple. You are what you are, and it is what it is...............................

Walking in the painting for a stroll in the scenery, and looking further beyond where the picture finishes and the frame stands solid, but you could if you want sneak in, at your own peril, curiosity, madness, or attraction of unknown, unseen, unexpected.

I have a big head, a big square head, sometimes I feel the pain in my skull, or a certain coolness inside my brain, my head, big square head. I don't now if his passing throw me a loop or gave me an excuse to miss the woods and the midnight strolls. To question everything again, like when I used to stare at the sun, knowing it would hurt but I could not stop. That was many moons ago.

I had been struggling to come back here, I knew I had to , and I am glad I am here although as a guest I have worn
my welcome, but I rely on Kindness of strangers and patience of friends. I am a hermit , I enjoy being left alone.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:36 AM | Comments (0)

Fragile Moon

Posted by Idinraha at 11:36 AM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2007

I would not fly away!

Step to the right, turn around, your head high with a smile on your face, lean into her, bring her in, wrapp your hand around her waist, side by side, ...........Dance.

Another turn at the light. another stage, and this music that goes on for a brief forever. I dread the spot lights these
days, I wish for a warm afternoon, a quiet corner and a good book. Business tires me, it is so foreign to me and yet
I do get to enjoy it, and yet I always be the imposter. It can not be so complex, it usually is not, if one remembers that it is the thinker without thought that reaches the Nirvana, and the eternal Bliss.

I have to accomodate myself, walking in and out of the doors, looking in and out the windows, I like a small reality
that I could wrap my head around, somehow the extent of this journey, the majestic forever of it, petrifies me, I fit
better in snug places and quiet realities sooth me.

I have sat at this spread for so long and it has nourished me so, of its soft flesh, its raw ambitions , its delicious waters, I have consumed to my delight of all its offerings and have grown within me, extended and flowed, reached and surpassed all I expected, and yet I am hungry..............for so much more, and I know its my appetite that has kept me here, my need ............. and the price that I would pay,........... for I beleive in the balance of the creation, the creator and its creatures, and the equilibrium that keeps this earth within the limits of its orbit.........

I am exposed she told me, roaming skinless, I am exposed, with my eyes wondering and my ears perked, I am as vaunerable as I am exposed. I did not want to hear that, as excited as she was in her discovery of the opening in my skull, I did not want to know, so I noded my head and left.

You try so hard to be grounded, so you would not fly away, she chimed before I left . She was so happy with herself and I did not know if I wanted to share all that with a stranger.

Life is looking forward to something, sweet in its anticipations and day dreams, I have a full plate , a spoon in my hand and I am so very hungry.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:45 PM | Comments (0)

May 11, 2007

Homayoun

Yesterday morning Marjan sat me down in the family room and told me you passed away. and the word AWAY stood out and somehow in my head I had a picture of you of last Saturday as you walked out of my store, walking the same way I had seen you walking in the last forty years. Forty years, yup forty years. Your body bent a bit to the left with your head slightly bending to the side. The same way you stood next to me at nine years of age on the stage of our elementary school when we sang Do Ray Me for the crowd of the parents and I still remember your Mother sitting in front poised and smiling with her eyes sweet and kind looking at you adorringly

There was silence I was looking at Marjan as she reached and held my hand. there was silence and it seemed there was a fog gathering outside our house, over the city, the town and the planet. I could not say a word. trying to find some opening, some way out, going over her statement in my head. but the words were precise and so definite in their meaning, there was no way out. I was trying to justify what had happened, and instinctively to further myself from all those jagged words that were the last reality of a Forty years friendship.

All yesterday I went about my daily work, I found your sister Zohreh's number and tried to reach them, nobody answered. Maryam sent me the Email that your friends had put out the day before announcing your sudden departure. I had not received that. It said there was a gathering at the funeral house that morning at nine, and immediate burial at the Muslim cemetery. Well if you were watching us from where ever you are now , I missed you at both occasions, and I was not sad, I needed more time to let go of you. all day yesterday you did not leave me, you were around with all those images, forty years is a long time, and we had covered so much together. From our adolescent lust for Mrs Vaziri, or arguing if Soheila Salahshore had a crush on you or me.

We never left each other alone, as we grow up, drinking Pepsi and sweet bread, and later beer and those beloved sandwiches of yours Bologna or sausage with beans and pickles, tasty as they were and how we enjoyed them.
High School separated us but we still manged to get together for movies, a game of poker, and long long walks along Pahlavi street after the movies, discussing characters, or the plot of the movie, poetry, writing, politics, just you and me. We fit well, both sensitive both curious, full of youth and its promises. You always insisted for me to walk you half way back to your house after we moved from the old neighborhood. Time passed, you moved to Shiraz, and later on, I left for America.

I found you here again. we became roommates, you were one of the main connections to my past and roots, and there was always a solid keen-ship between us that rooted in old dreams and certain melancholy of early adulthood. and then I lost you again not because of distances but life came between us, family obligations, and your eternal persistance not to accept the reality of all the changes. You lived the way you wanted, mercilessly stubborn and always walked outside the limits, I assimilated and we went in different directions.

Somehow the train left the station, I reached for you but you just stood there, a solitary figure insisting in holding his ground. Why, I don't know. There were demons for both of us , the pure melancholy that is the heritage of our Eastern upbringing which all the displaced souls like us wrestle with. I took the poison, and you did not, I took the train, you stood behind, and as train sped away as You walked off the stage.

You never fit the mold, and I can not forgive you for not trying harder, making me and every one who loves you witness your quiet destruction, as you cut yourself and bled and then cut again. I told zohreh this morning, I wish I was more patient with you, I wish I tried harder, I wish you were kinder to yourself, we could have been friends for fifty or sixty years, the last forty went so fast. there are more movies we could talk about, more memories,
playing cards, chess or backgammon, talking about our old silly rivalries.

You were shy, sensitive and kind to every one except yourself. I thought about it last night, you were polite and never hurt anyone knowingly, but yourself. I am gonna miss you, I did not know how much until this morning when driving to work, I exploded and cried hard, I needed that, you have been all over me since yesterday and as I used to tel you jokingly I can only take you in small dosages.

Playing hide and seek, losing you in the school hallways, in the classrooms, I will be looking for you still for a long time, waiting for you to open the door to my store and walk in with a rug you just found................ and I will still tell you Mrs Vaziri liked me better, and Soheila Salahshore and Mojgan both had a crush on me...... and you better deal with it...................................

Posted by Idinraha at 09:04 AM | Comments (0)

February 22, 2007

An overexposed society

Such is the story of accidental fame. Notoriety of sort, infamy. We have run completely fresh out of heroes. We are too self centered, and are too narsisiticly obsessed to even see one another, unless there is an oddity of sort which tends to amuse us. Fame is for the ones with abnormal attitudes, and attributes. Are you ready for your close up?, are you ready for your fifteen minutes of fame. If you are hideously ugly and void of any beauty in your physics, if you are too short, too tall, too fat or anorexic, you shall have the opportunity to shine in the spot light for those fleeting moments, but please, please be a dear and exit on time so the next victim could rise and shine.

Let us not forget our trailer park friends who shall sell their mother and their child, expose their nether regions and pose with any artifacts, animal or human appendage, so they can climb the mantle of fame and reach the top. But it is all fine and accepted as long as they get to leave on cue, and afford the next participant the ridicule they desire.
and its then at that moment when the infamous refuse to leave for the rush of being exposed has been so much. Its right there and then that tragedy unfolds. The infamous has to come up with new attitudes and attributes physically and emotionally to keep the spot light on. Though some of the new infamous starlets have been exposed to such extent, that the next exposer should be either gynecological or involve an X-ray machine.

And of course we have the heads of industries that would exploit such human frailty to the highest level of their artistic whims. Reality shows have made many such executives millions to afford them larger bank accounts, mansions, the lates luxury cars and trophy wives so done by plastic surgery that it is hard to recognise one from others. Dating shows, wife swaps, and other titillating phenomena on prime time and main networks are all the handiwork's of their highest artistic visions. The B actors and celebrities have gained constant employment and as a society we have found new lows in our taste and class of entertainers.

Someone recently had said we are progressing so rapidly and to a point in our cultural enrichment that soon you could divide our society to two distinct groups - the ones that make porn and the ones who watch it. there are more pornographic movies made than main stream movies, though the line in some circles is becoming more and more faded. Lets not forget the actresses who was born and bread in our own neighborhood who did a fellatio on camera for an independent movie. The new cinematic highs which probably would only increase her pay and open many new doors to her for her realistic portrayal of woman with a gaping mouth. Bravo

weeks ago in what seemed like a well orchestrated circus Anna Nichole Smith died of over dose, joining her idol Marylin Monroe and all of this before the age forty. It is the brazen commitment that such starlets have to create such colorful canvas of the excesses in their short lives that is mesmerising. And we had watched her descend to absurdity and oblivion for the longest time, all knowing where she was headed and all gleeful that we could get to watch. And a nation came to morn, before you know it the news was the top story with all the twenty four hour news media, news papers, magazines. And a world came to morn, Christians, Jews, Moslem's, Shiite, Sunnis, Palestinians and Israelis, we all morned, forgetting all our shortcomings and troubles.

And now we are all wrapped up in court with Anna's daughter, mother, her husband, her lover, her body guard, her man around town, her prince, and all the others that have come to claim all that is left of her and her infamy. and still there is the other starlet that has fled two rehab centers with her head shaved and a new tattoo, adamant to catch the spot light and on her way fast toward oblivion.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:41 PM | Comments (0)

An overexposed society

Posted by Idinraha at 02:41 PM | Comments (0)

January 26, 2007

I live

The sun extends, no matter how far, there is light, though the cold cuts trough, the streets, isolated and empty, there are lights burning inside the houses beyond the bare trees. There is seclusion and submission in winter, loneliness and calm. Its the season of apprehensions and long hours.

Faces appear behind the windows as the warmth inside steams the glass. we have learned to survive, and separate ourselves from the cold and wait. we sit closer, we whisper and wait. till the earth rotates once more
extentending us, flowing within time to another season.

I look at my watch, going somewhere, we are always going somewhere, between here and there, sliding, pushing,
hurling, in transit, going somewhere. There are things to do, places to go, schedules to keep, appointments to hold
as the day shies away, taken for granted, ignored, it slips away, pushed, hurled, gone.

I keep my face on, trim my beards, exercise my eyes, touch my skin, run my finger trough my hair, looking in the mirror, I smile, mornings I sing, I sing loud, words I know, words, one after another, just an effort to stand more erect, to look further, reaching the notes in my throat, I am still here after my hybernation, I am still here, and i follow the day, not thinking, I do not allow the thoughts, I ignore them, and breathe, allowing the air in. I dress simple, it does so much for my presentation , it does so much for my eyes.

Ans i hear how my heart sings, I love too much - my down fall, I see too much, and hear much too much, I am losing
my skin everyday, I am bare, exposed, vulnerable, and my heart has moved outside my chest, outside my soft bones and exposed flesh. i laugh too hard, cry easy, and love much too much, but the joy, the joy of living on this
lonely planet amongst the crowded faces of every sidewalk and isolation of every fields and hills. I stand by the trees and smile, seeing the life that runs in every vessels, branches and leaves. I pray long and ask for much, much too much.

And then I sit for tea in long afternoons, read,
I am taken away, and back,
I live.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:06 PM | Comments (0)

July 31, 2006

Again

The Sun worshipers had their way this summer, its hot out there, and we all have fled inside, the coat I am wearing suits me, and the fiber is kind to the scabs that cover my skin. I do not do summer well, she thinks I do not know how to live, and life is hard on me, she knows me well, and yet she stays and holds my hands. My side burns are turning white and I shave them close as I thin out the whiskers that cover my face, feeling exposed, maybe, vulnerable, of course. I think I have come a long way and life is easier on me, my laughter is clear and my thoughts are folded way inside my head.

Sometimes I wonder how they remember me, my kids, and am I the right man to raise them. i wake up midnights, checking on them, pulling the cover, I look at them knowing how much, so very much I love them, and wonder if they
know how they have saved me. I am writing again, thats all I can do, and at the end of the day that makes me feel
alive. I have cut the phone lines, and do not even answer the door, I am done with all that and where I am, this place I occupy suits me fine. only if only I could make the time go slower, much slower.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:30 PM | Comments (0)

June 26, 2006

an unfinished prayer............

I have walked your Earth, within the realm of time that you have bestowed me within the capacity of this vessel. a dream, awakening to a birth, manifestation of such accidental living, not bread by Love but cohabiting of the ones who carried me here. A dream, for the eyes open to the images that gather and sounds that sip inside the consciousness, one so empty of any reason to validate or understand the expectations of such being that it can only rely on instincts to survive,

I have chewed on your grass and inhaled your air, I have drank from your streams and have reached to what you forbid, for if there was no malice within the reason why else they be there but to hurl within me the urges of wanting, and a need so deep to trespass the edges of your reason and the morality of your scriptures, for if there was no malice in intentions why does evil come to be, or is it at the height of goodness that it crosses to the other side and one does no know where this seamless attributions start and where they differ, in jest or meaning. for if there was no malice in intension why the differences, the contrasts and colors, or is it that its the weight of these contrasts against the senility of our consciousness that creates life, and nothing else, for it did not have to be anything at the beginning.

Flight of what fancy, the thought behind it, the urges, the need and the exact time when the urges softened the reason and a twinkle within your eyes( for this is how I can only imagine from where I stand), and how the mold was made and the laws you set within the confined of your intentions, and the second that it changed and became of you, the extension, the bloom, the life. and did you know the beginning, the end, was there any parameters set for accidents and free will, and if you knew where the journey begins and where it ends, then why

It could have been simpler, it could all be instinct, but then where would the fun be, the wonder, the thrill , the sweet unknowing, so there had be intellect and free will, for you knew where you started but didn't want to know where the process would take you, you and the unfinished creature you molded in your image. That has been given, your image, your jest, your will, your intentions, your desires, your sins, your discretions, your allowance, all and all within this shell of flesh , and bones, your godly intension's, godly discretions and this exile.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:54 PM | Comments (0)

June 12, 2006

Summer living.......

Three days of rain and miles later. The black clouds passing by the car window, we are going somewhere. We are always going somewhere, and life is when we sit, the four of us in the familyroom of the house we live in and watch TV. content and quiet, these are the days of my life. all the goings so we can have those quiet moments, and then we are all going somewhere. Summer is here, the days are longer, the gift of day light and the sun, Summer has so much to be greatfull about. The gatherings, the sounds of laughter, listening to our kids playing outside. Is it anything more delicious than watching your kids grow? I don't think so.

Watching all of us growing older, as the grays become more prominant in our hair. All the familiar things, the everydayness of this living, all and all is so reassuring and pleasant. Specially to a gypsy like me that has never thought he belonged. This August will be the twentieth anniversary of our marriage. It went by so fast and it has had so many wonders and promises . I can't believe my beautifull wife is going to be Thirty Eight years old this year. The girl I married has become such a lady, not showing her age, dressing in her funky clothes and looking as youthful and fit as she is, she could pass for a teenager any day of the year. She has become the cornerstone of my family and hers. The way every one relies on her, seeks her advice, and copy what she wears. I always say that meeting her and getting her to marry me has been the best and luckiest part of my life. And her family the way they have accepted me as pne of their own, the way they love me and my kids, they have become a closer part of my life than my own family.

"where did you go, I miss you so...." is a new song that has resonated with me, singing it under my breath, playing it in my head. and the other day I wrote a poem inspired by it. " where are you going..." which I will post here soon.
I am still not happy with myself, my lack of ambitions, and lazy as I am. But I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, I guess I just wanted to live it. And being my wife's husband and my kids' father fills up so much of me, that there is not much else I need out there. Everything loses its gloss, and become ordinary, everything but Love, and loving. Life is good.

Posted by Idinraha at 07:02 PM | Comments (0)

March 25, 2006

Of your world

-Of your world I like praying, perfume and women. Good choices there, we all have our favorites, mine is-- of this world I love parenting, being a husband, a lover and praying. So New year , Persian New Year, has come and gone. HAPPY NOROZ

We are still partying, already have been to two events with the wife and kids, and on the second one, we danced so much we were sweaty by the end of the night. My new suite, shirt and tie were drenched, I was wet all over the way one should be. Like everything else that I do, I do dancing to the extreme too. And still after all these years I can move my girlish figure better than any man. I remember my Mom used to tell me, Javad , dance like a man. I don't, I dance like me, and shake my booty all over the floor. Marjan had her shots of Vodka, Gray Goose of course, and she was feeling no pain. She has come a long way. When we first married she used to stand by and watch me dancing with all the girls, then she started to warm up to the idea of dancing and now, sometimes she stays at the parties long after I take the kids home and she dances. She has become a wonderful dancer, of course with a teacher like me................................................

I have written many poems lately, the newest one, _My Love has gotten many wonderful reviews at Poets. com. Of course over there, most every one except Metal, think I am a women, I have a few men that have crushes on me, or at least my Poems, and a few women that do think I am a Lesbian. eh, that's fun, changing skin. the other day I told my beautiful daughter how I would be so much like her if I was born a woman. though she is much prettier than I would have been, having a lots of Marjan's delicious genes in her. living with two pre busant kids is a riot.. There are many questions and I am always happy to answer, Amin is more shy about it, but KIana, she is our little devil.

I think I should start writing a new book, I had such a wonderful time when I was in process of writing my last one. It was heaven, I am best when I am not here, but out there some where in the world of fantasy and dreams. Here I feel like an imposter all the time, but there I am at ease, in my elements and fluid. Next week I am seeing Doctor B for lunch, she had a great trip to Venezuela and has finished her third book. I am so jealous of her. she is living the life, I always envisioned myself living.

Summer should be here soon

Posted by Idinraha at 03:10 PM | Comments (1)

March 12, 2006

Bohemian Rhapsody

Driving up 95 North, already into my third beer, Freddie Mercury is shouting BESMELLAH, and I think, if he was alive there would be a Fatwa on his head. And all the tensions of living here, at this times in this age, I have had enough of UAB and the Ports, all the bickering, who is right and who is wrong, and does it really matter. Then I remember - For Evil to be victorious, we only need good men to be quiet and not to care. Am I a good man ? I ask myself, What is all this commotions, no, not yet, I am not going there, the meaning of life and all. Its an old...........

Four weeks of Pneumonia, Doctor told me I should rest, and I thought of John Malkovich, screaming, IT's my head, my head. and thought , nah, no rest there, and you have to move , not to become a target. Anti Biotic's make me depressed, and that's all I need, more Black clouds. Don't Stand so close to me, Sting is singing, and I thought about that old Woody Allen Movie, when he woke up and he was living in future, no we wont stand so close to each other, this is the age of Isolation, the age of separation and alienation, and of course Appetite............

-Thou shalt eat, but would not be satisfied, Thou shalt consummate, but it would not go forth. Well the trains are never on time, and we are always going somewhere, I have a hard time standing still, I am catching up with something, MY LIFE. I guess once we brought Armageddon upon ourselves, we can not complain that He had not warned us. It would get worse before it gets better. Hamid came to see me the other day, he finds some solace in talking to me, and he has the most developed case of the intelligent man getting disillusioned with his life, and he is a rug man too. But with him it's different, like me he loves old rugs, and when I see him I warn myself, Javad be careful, he can get away with it since he is rather good looking and has managed to stay alive, with two wives, and three sons, Wow

He has brought me his note book, which he has filled with beautiful Hafez and Mollana poetry, and he reads me some, while we smoke, and talk. unlike my other colleagues, with him we don't talk rugs, we talk poetry and today the subject is politeness, and how Hafez has made so much emphasis on polite ness. The words are mesmerizing and they are used to such delicious efficiency, it gets me high. I like our conversation and we are such apposite in our political and social beliefs that we try not to talk politics, I take Hafez and Mollana any day over these whores in Washington. I always enjoy hamid, we both take Paxil, actually in my business, most my colleagues take Paxill. Its the sign of all the failed ambitions of us the Brown Natives that have been boxed in the paradox of displaced men who can not forget.

I start another prayer under lips, while listening to the hard rock of AC DC, and sipping my beer, boy oh boy, if they could see me now multi tasking, I sure am talented, satisfying all my urges and fears all at the same time while self medicating myself. I used to be a very proper man, I think that was what my wife loved about me, I was a very polite man, with a darling body language of all the right poses and moves, and then life happened. I used to hate the taste of beer when I was young, I was fond of the quiet submission of wine, and the shapely glass I drank them in. Things change, remember

I thin the biggest disappointment of Humanity is that we do not learn, we make the same mistakes, and follow the same urges while knowing all the time that we are asking for it. And we are asking for it so badly these days. There is a fine line there that we have crossed so long ago, and I wonder why is God so patient with us. I wouldn't want his job. nah, I am way too lazy and emotional for that job. I have found myself to be more of a hermit since my business started to decline a few years ago. It's not healthy, I know, but most people I know are so boring, talking the same things, over and over again, just like me. I think I have found my footing and my business has established a bit. They were changes that had to be made and I was too comfortable and reluctant to change, but the changes are made now, I have a different business model, and have shed many of my debts, traveling light.

Well the spring is around the corner, we have had a few sixty degree days, and I will go on..... I am an Island, with no harbor, siting in a thick fog, wollowing in the salty water of the ocean, I am secluded, left of my own wishes. They say no man is an Island, but I think, more than anything or anybody, we live and die within ourselves and this ever lasting silence of the age. Thank God for colors, for ever changing nature of this geography, of this spread of land and oceans that lives simultaneously with us, as it goes on. No artist could have portrayed such a background for this tapestry, such delicious array of colors, weaving and moving, from the reds to greens, and ambers, gold and purples, and yet we do not see it, we do not....................

THERE IS NO GRACE LEFT IN THIS BUSINESS, I told the stubborn customer the other day. they are so vulgar in their demands, so shameless, but we have no one to blame but ourselves. Only if we get to be satisfied with less, we could survive with less, It is the embarrassment of the riches, and the ignorance of the fools. I am fasting these days, physically and emotionally, body and soul, I am trying to see how much less I can be satisfied with. I am a man lingering on the edges of himself .............

Posted by Idinraha at 11:04 AM | Comments (3)

March 03, 2006

At night..........................

At night as I lay to sleep, as my body sinks in the comfort of my bed, and my eyes closes, inside my head I travel. I have been blessed by Photographic memory, blessing that at times could hurt me, as it does. Sometimes it is good to forget.

I go back to where I was born, my town, Tehran. And amazingly I see everything in such a detail, I could breath the air, and fill my lungs with the scents of my town .I could walk along side of Pahlavi, by the green trees, mostly on the right hand side, going up town, Passing by Foroshgah Bozorg, and watching the people across the street, some walking some standing by the ticket counter to get their tickets to see a Movie. Further up I see where I had my first Rendezvous with that girl Nahid> I had met her in my English class, and we had a date to go see a movie. I was probably Fifteen, looking older than my age. We walked to Shahreh Farang Cinema, and inside the movie theatre we held hand, and what a treat that was.

I used to go to the movies a lot, mostly by myself, Shareh Ghesseh Cinema was my favorite destination. It showcased the more artistic movies. the kind that made me wonder, and quench my curiosity, after ward, I would walk along the Argentin street, going home, while in my head, I went over every scene of the movie I had seen, every frame. I remember a snowy day, when I got a ride from a man, and we had a nice talk about how snowy days make people kinder. I got off at Afar street where we lived, and walked the rest of the way.

I can see Choob's house in my head. I remember the day no one was home and he did not have his key, so he climbed the two story wall and got in through the upstairs. Once inside the foyer, it was dark, and cool. we always ended up in the kitchen and soon we were munching trough the left overs, and bread and butter and Jam. we sat at the booth in the Kitchen and it seemed everything was all right with the world. If his mother was home, she never used to come down from upstairs. I used to know most of the mothers of my friends, but I could never hook up with Choob's mother> she was distant and cold.

I think what's disturbing to me, may be I should not used that word, not really disturbing, it's the clarity of these visions, how I see the details, the scents, the lighting, inside my head. Last night I was thinking, it's been thirty years since I have been in my town. That is a life time. And its the difference of the realities of these times, where I live and where I have lived. Choob always tells me that as a young man, I did not give a damn about many things that were important to the other kids, I don't know. All I remember is the feeling that I had, so misplaced, so foreign, and how my moods changed. I was not friendly to many people, and was a bit of snub, and feeling like an imposter on top of that, I don't know how I survived my teen years. There was so much I wanted and so much seclusion I needed. I think one of the things that attracted me to Choob, was the fact that he was so very different from me. IT IS WHAT IT IS, he always said, Oh, WHAT COULD IT BE, I said.

I think in many ways, my wife has the same effect on me, she is much more factual than I am. She is much simpler than I am, in many ways, she is much more Choob. She grounds me, she is mky way inside. MY connection to this world and the only person in my life that is more real than any thing. She is my prize, my claim to all the bounties of earth, and more than anything, my relationship with her is what holds me and centers my life.
I never expected her being in my life, and still once in a while as she is sleeping I find myself looking at her and wondering. I guess I must have done something good sometimes, to deserve her.

Isn't it funny, I am writing about my life and the two names mentioned so far, is Choob, and my wife. You know I never thought I deserved Choob either, but that's me. I have not seen him in thirty years and the largeness of that number frightens me. The fact that it has been thirty years, and it has passed so quickly, its mind bugling to me.
Mehrnoosh, one of my friends told me a few years ago, YOU SEE TOO MUCH, and YOU LOVE TOO MUCH. Maybe I do, but I can't change it.

I was thinking the other day, that the only real day in any ones life, is the day they die. That is the only present day that would not become a yesterday. ON that day, he or she would see everything again in his or her head. A life lived, and remembered, and how fast and how mercilessly deliberate. STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF
That was the most popular mantra a few years ago. Showcasing how we become the victims of time, and its rotation, no control, days pass and nights are slept away. It is like being in a crowd and led away, out of control, I don't know, maybe it is my depression talking, but many a times that is how it feels.

Last time I saw my mother I noticed she is getting old. I remember how beautiful she was, and in many ways she still it. Maybe I should say, I remember how young she was, and more than anything I remember her thick silky hair, and her porcelain skin. She is till gracefully and elegant, and has the sweetest smile, she is my mother, and although I do not see her as much as I want to. I do love her and she knows that. SO now there are three people in my life.
My mother, my wife, and Choob, the friend I have not seen in thirty years. eh, and of course the other two delights of my life, although they are the future of my life, they carry parts of me with them toward a forever, My son and my daughter. Parenthood is such a rewarding state. I look at them and wonder, I look at them and my heart beats faster, How I have come to have such privilege, the brown native me, how.

There are other dear friends, other relatives, but these five have the starring role in the comedy of my life. They are the reality of my life.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:17 PM | Comments (2)

February 26, 2006

quiet living

I was just polishing my shoes, my Black shoes. There is something about doing menial chores that are gratifying to me. I like Ironing too, and I could say, I do a good job at it. I think its the quietness of the task, and the concentration to do the job well that appeals to me. Thinker without thoughts, the most enjoyable state of being. Yes my friends, thinking can kill you fast, very fast. that is the reason that simple minded people live a happier lives than the curious ones.

-Its a blessing to be born a calf and die a cow. I have heard that saying many a times, but there is also the more brazen, self indulgent school of thought ,- A life not examined is not worth living. But I do personally believe that we have no choice in the matter. We either see everything in Black and white and are happy with the state of our lives, or at some point colors do begin to crowd the picture, and we get hooked. I woul have rathered not to make that choice, Thankfuly the choice was made for me, as for all of us.

The other day I was going through my friend Choob's site, and there was a picture of him at his workshop, working on pieces of Jewelry he makes. He looked so into it, and so out of what was happening around him, it looked like Bliss. There's something very Nobel about working with your hands, I envy the people that have such occupations. The instant gratification that one would get upon progressing in his work, or the end result must be heaven.

I think as contemporary men, some of our ills are due to the fact that we are just a part of the working machine, we do not see how it starts, and how it finishes, so we don't get to enjoy the process. We don't plant seeds, and watch them grow, although having kids comes very close. we don't use our bodies for the purpose they are made for, so we get headaches, tension, fatigue, and have to use that wasted energy walking a thread mill, or punching a boxing bag.

Women though have an easier time at this. No matter what station in their life they are. They get to fold the towels, arrange the house, some even still clean their houses, which of course seems so passe, so they get some of that quiet solace that comes with accomplishing their task. Sometimes I watch my wife when she goes about doing her morning chores, I ironing the kids clothing, getting them ready, making breakfast for them, and there it is the satisfaction, the quiet bliss. I thin as human being we have lost a lot by paying others to do what could bring us that subtle harmony of going through different parts of a task and seeing it to the end.

Posted by Idinraha at 01:02 PM | Comments (1)

February 17, 2006

Happy valentines day !

So, everything is fine with the world, As the ice melts in the northern tip and African kids are slaughtered in the heat of feverish deformed Africa. There is a man stinking so bad of corruption in the Golf coast and he wants his Chocolate people, he is poetically extending his ignorance, and we all get to watch, and say nothing as the Penguins in Washington throw money at every problem, and get to take themselves so very seriously. Politicians share arrogance with Journalist and both feel happy in their colorful attires.

O appetite, what will you leave us this time, I drink my coffee regular these days, I am older now and do not need to impress any one. I have made a little opening on the side of my skull, where I dump the visuals and the uninvited thoughts, when overwhelmed I even leave that open for a while and just hibernate like cows chewing on fresh green grass with my eyes jaded into a void. I ask myself over and over again, What were you thinking ? And I purposely do not answer back, or maybe I do not know and never will.

An old friend asked why no posting on V day, Silence is the best revenge, the best remedy when words stumble taking you around the bend and bringing you back to a boredom of all these expressions of little people, with their little sentiments and little images crowding their little lives. Nothing hurts like boredom, nothing corrupts like mediocrity, happy smiles measured on happy faces with red as the color of the day, and a quick fuck on the heart shaped bed with the latest Valley dolls, Happy V day, please......... get a life.

It's not ideology, it's not beliefs, it's not religion, IT'S POVERTY my friend. Its the stench of HAVE NOT'S, wanting a bit more of what they do not have. It's our made up soap opera scented life they want, they see it on CNN, and all the other whorish vehicles of mass media, and they want it. Its all the idle hands and idle thoughts, unemployed creatures that do not have any goals in their lives, but survival. Their lives is not taking them any where but down, they are not loved, they are not praised, they are poisoned roots of untouchables that the accident of nature have brought to the surfaces, how else do they believe in seventy two virgins in heaven. Its the poverty of means and ideas and intellect, and the shrewd manipulation of a the most crooked perverted thugs in turbans, and all for the Gold that has been left after the Crusades.

Its the fusion of extremes, on this corner, we live our lives in scented colors of Victoria Secrets, between our Desperate Housewives, Swapping Wives, on our Broke back Mountains, chewing on the legality of Abortion and which hole one should use to penetrate, and should the ones that use the back one get to co- habit under the Banner of Marriage, while our fifth grade daughters train their lips and tongue blowing their class mates and our teen age sons are high on pot and cocaine, chocking not their genitals but their necks to get even higher, sniffing glue, and anything to make them feel, and experience something different. and once in a while one of them the one ridiculed most or left alone most, the one who was never loved, and fell trough the cracks of our -Foster Parents system, or Welfare, the one who never was talked to by her feminist mother balancing a career and Parenthood By Proxy. and his father running after the new selection of teenage whores on Internet, or around the corner in Mexico or Thailand and Eastern Europe, experiencing his Mid life crises, he who has fathered and left to embrace and find himself. Yes that one would find a gun and shoot a few classmate as the gleeful news hungry news anchors debate the NRA AND THE FIRST AMENDMENT OF THE CONSTITUTION.

Yes all of us the privileged , spoiled, pill popping society of corrupted values and emptiness that would not get fulfilled between the sheets of our infidelities and our latest fuck. walking around with our Blue tooth phones hanging from our ears, desperately trying to stay in touch, since loneliness might remind us how little, puny miserable creatures we are. IT is the fusion of HAVE TOO MUCH and have not's, its not ideology. offer a green card to any of those demonstrators and they will forgo their Jihad and come to United states to work in Mc Donalds. And our friends on the left here, the Turban less Mullahs of the democratic party who themselves have manipulated and milked the minorities of Spanish and blacks in America, under the banner of ACLU, and have kept their constituents in lines for the longest time with gifts of welfare , Quotas, and Affirmative Action. Yes, the politically correct crowds do not get it, and for that they do not get elected, and still they do not know.

Europeans are waking up to the reality of the snakes they have bred in their sleeves, and having to deal with a Europe that will be half populated by Moslems. and the fruits of their past crimes of Colonialism that has provided them with society that is divided, and socialist values that have given them two digits unemployment and inflation. a bankrupted Europe that has to take a different tack to deal with its ills. And lets not forget our beloved Iranian President who brazenly desires the inhalations of Israel, and the Great Satan, and is working feverishly to build the bomb that would bring their twelfth Imam to the scene of political Mayhem and the end of humanity.

So happy belated Valentines day ! happy now ?

Posted by Idinraha at 09:41 AM | Comments (2)

January 28, 2006

From Hamas to Copenhagen

Hamas ( Harakat al-Muqawama al-Islamiyya ) or Islamic Resistance Movement, has won the election in Palestine. With Sharon at his death bed, what happened last week really puts the Road to Peace in Middle east in jeopardy. At least that is the sentiment of most political articles I have read.

However, let's be optimistic, lets give Gammas the same chance that was given to Sharon upon his election. Fattah party the long rulling party in Palestine had proven to be a corrupt political entity that profited from the chaos in middle east. Mrs, Arafat demand and receiving twenty seven million dollars, before releasing Arafat's body was the last draw. For the longest time, political analyst had said hat Ariel Sharon and Vassar Arafat were the main problems to achieve peace. Sharon proved them wrong. Arafat's death though helped bring Abbas to the Peace treaty. However it is curious that any Israeli's Prime Minister that has moved toward giving back the occupied territory was never given the chance to finish what they started. Barak was removed by election, and Robin was assassinated. and now Sharon that probably would never see the peace between Israel and Palestine.

I was shaken by Sharon's sudden stroke and had thought it would have a negative effect on the peace process. However I thought there was so much positive sentiment in Israel for peace that no new Prime Minister would dare to derail it. Hamas election however would bring back more pessimistic view of the Road to Peace process. Bush administration has vowed not to honor their commitment to Aids for Palestine if the new leadership goes against the peace process. Ariel Sharon had also made it a policy to get rid of the most of Hamas's leadership by assignations. So we hope that there is enough insight within the new Hamas leadership to understand that in order to survive they have to stay with the peace process.

There are also other elements involved, elements outside Palestine, like the Iranian Government. I am sure they have already reached the Hamas leadership and have committed to support them against Israel. I do believe that in many aspect, the Iranian government is more dangerous to the peace all over the world than even are old enemy Osama Bin Laden. But the Iranian government would have an awakening in next few month in its quest for becoming a nuclear power. Bush administration has had a more conciliatory attitude toward Iran and has left most of the diplomacy to Europeans, Russia and China. A complete overhaul of the regime in Iran would also help the situation in Lebanon with Hezbollah faction, and the raise of moderates (if there is any ) in Syria. So in many ways Job one for all the politicians in the free world toward peace is to change the government in Iran, either trough diplomacy or military action.

Last night I did not feel good, so after having my dinner I went upstairs and slept. I have had fever and feeling all aching, so sleeping was the best medicine. I woke up around one thirty, and went down stairs to watch some TV, and to my surprise I came across the movie Copenhagen . It was a fascinating movie , written beautifully as a play that came to Broadway and had been produced by PBS for their Hollywood on PBS series. The movie deals with two scientist in 1940's on the verge of creation of the Atomic Bomb. I highly recommend it. It is a Mystery and it does keep you on the edge of your seat. The dialogues are breathtakingly masterful and the script, probably one of the best I have seen lately. Find it and watch it.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:59 AM | Comments (1)

January 22, 2006

Retailing after 9/11, a new reality

Tuesday September eleven started for me just as another day. I got ready to go to work, I had slept late, so I was leaving the house later than usuall. I got in my car and turned on the Radio, listenning to Imus in the morning, as I do everyday on my way to work. I remember exactly where I was on Huntington street when I heard the news. My first thought was to remember where my kids and wife were at that moment. I knew the kids were at school, and my wife was on her way to the gym for her daily work out.

The first news that I had heard was that an airplane had hit one of the two towers . I thought to myself what a disaster, and felt happy that I don't fly often. Then the came the news of the second plane hitting the second tower, and by now I knew as many other people that this was more than an accident, and it was the work of the terrorists. I felt a certain shock and anger, knowing how the world as I knew it had just changed and it would never be the same.

Once I got to the store, I turned on the TV, and saw how the towers collapsed, one after another. It seemed unreal, my brain could not process what I was seeing as reality. It was more like a scene from another Arnold Schwatzeneger's movie. I immidiatley thought about John, and Kevin my friends. Kevin worked in Manhattan, and John was supposed to go to Manhattan that day. I called their wives and they both told me that John, and Kevin were allright and they had recieved calls from them. I then called my mother, since she would have known about the were abouts of my sibblings. She told me that every one was allright.

I went to the Gym that afternoon, trying to make up the session I had missed in the morning, I also knew I needed the work out to release some of the tension I felt after hearing the news, and watching it on TV. I remember I was on the treadmill, when the TV anchor reported how the firemen that morning went to the buildings after taking absoulotion and blessing from their priest, well knowing they will not survive. I stopped. I could not help the tears that welled my eyes, and cried.

I knew that my business would be effected by what happened, I had just put a new advertizing in the Westport Magazine. A full page, full color ad, showcasing a superior, collectible antique rug, priced at $ 175,000,00. It was a daring venture for me. You see after I separated from my father and brothers in 1993, and started my own business, I had decided to focus my business on fine antique rugs. There was not any other rugs outlet in Connecticut that mainly sold fine antique rugs. It was a risky venture, for you have to invest big capital and time to collect such pieces, and you also had to position yourself in the market with different style of Marketing, selling and advertizing.

It had taken me eight years to achieve that. By September 2001, I had moved to a location next to HAYDAY market, and my store had become a highly regarded retail outlet for patrons with discriminating taste and the discrisionary income to afford it. I had worked seven days a week, for the last eight years, with no vacations. I had used Westport, and Greenwich Magazine and Weston Magazine, as my main tools of marketing, displaying full page full color advertising of fine rugs. I had been also able to convince my customers to allow me to take a picture of the rugs they had purchaed in their houses, and showcase them in my advertising. I had made new connection in the suppliers market of fine antique rugs also, which had enabled my store to be one of the destinations for many antique rugs that were purchsed in Europe and were brought to United States.

I had solved the problem of capital for my purchases by making new connections with some of my wealthy customers, borrowing money from them and in some cases making them partners in purchases I made, halving the profit upon the sales of the rugs. They were happy since I was paying them higher than the market interest, and they were making good return on their investment. Jus the year before I had sold an antique Farahan of an impecable beaty 6X9 for $98,000.00 and another Antique Farahan 7X10 for over $ 75,000.00. An avarage customer would spend at least over fifty to seventy thousand for few rugs in my store, and I had customers that spend over half a million to furnish their houses with my rugs. The profit margins were healthy and my accountant was baffled by my good fortune. Again, this was product of senev days a week working habit and a sharp focus on the demographic of my market, with using the right advertising vehechle and a consistant quality in my advertising. I had never ran a Sale in the last five years, there were no Sale signs in my windows, and I had no price tags on my rugs. I had customers that would never ask for the price of rugs, they just chose what they liked and paid for it.

I knew that all of that would change, it was only the matter of time. But to my surprise I had a couple who came to my store, on the weekend after September 11, and asked to see the rug that I had advertised for $175,000.00. But that rug was never sold. It seemed the reality of 9/11 had not sank in people's mind yet. My business stayed the same, and by the end of 2001, my sales had increased another twenty percent.

I remember a week after 9/11, one of my brother in laws called me and told me, that I should shave my beard. with my dark hair, eyes , and a beard, I had a very ehnic look that could pass as a terrorist with right clothing. I laughed at him, and my looks never gave me any trouble during my trips to Manhathan to meet my suppliers.. Funny that the same brother in law that gave me the advise, and is usually clean shaven, was stopped behind the Loncoln Tunnel and his van was searched for a hour. I was once stopped entering D&D building and was asked for identification, which I obliged smiling. It took the war in Afghanistan, and then the war in Iraq before I felt the effect of 9/11, and the new realities of life on my business.

By the March of 2003 my sales nose dived, and it was off to the tune of 60%. That was also the result at the year end. my total sales were 60% off from the year before. My other collegues, my brother and brother in laws that also are involved in the same business, but their main stay is much lower priced rugs did not suffer. I tried to stay the course, I had amased a huge inventory, and I had to pay my suppliers, so they would keep me in good terms. I had to raise cash, but this time I had to come up with my own money. An injection of $ 250,000.00 cash by borrowing against the rental house I have, helped me to get through the 2004. I had cut cost any way I could. at work and at my household. But the sales were still falling and at many occasions I thought that I might have to close shop and look for employment elsewhere. The problem was my inventory. I had focused so much on my purchases of antique rugs, and had reffered so many of customers that were looking for new rugs to my brother in law, and my other competitors that i had not had many new customers. I had to change my inventory.

In December 2004 I was sitting in my family room when my seven years old daughter Kiana, came to me. she informed me that she has a new business now and her new job was to be a consultant for any problems people might have. She asked me if I had any immidiate problem that she could help me with. I said yes , I have business problems. She asked me to explain, and I told her about my declining sales. She told me that she would have a solution for me tommorow and I have to pay her seven dollars for her wisdom. I did. The next evening when I got home, she gave me a refference card, on the card there was her solution. PUT SALES AND CLEARANCE SIGN IN YOUR STORE WINDOWS, AND ADVERTISE. I was surprised, her suggestion seemed well thought of and logical. I asked my wife if she had put her up to it, but she didn't have anything to do with it.

The next morning, I woke up thinking, that she made sense. Once I got to the store, I ordered five large SALE and CLEARANCE sign, and within two days I had them up in the windows, and one by the road side. That weekend I did some good business, I had brought down the prices and many of my old antiques and my first customer was a gentleman who had visited me a few times before, eyeing a beautifull antique Mashad runner, and he bought the piece at half the price he was quated before. The new sales allowed me to change my inventory little by little. I set up a rack sample of new rugs. Purchased samples from a supplier of Tebatan rugs, and some Indian and Peshawar rugs. Since then my business has estabilised more. I have been selling most of my collection of fine rugs and replaced them with more up todate designs and colors in new rugs.

I think some of the reasons for the decline in my old business has been that americans have been exposed to the rest of the world and its problems more than ever and it has effected their spyche to some extent. None of us feel as safe and as rich as we all did brfore 9/11. The low interest rates have also had their effects. More and more people have purchased many large houses in the Fairfield County and they are HOUSE POOR, with no money left to furnish inside their houses. The eocnomy is good, the war has become a fact of our every day life, and the uncertainty of geo politics have lost some of their luster. I do not have a collection of very fine antique rugs any more, and have become just another rug dealer, seeling new rugs, but I am still here, and my business is doing okay.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:12 PM | Comments (2)

January 21, 2006

As long as.......................

" As long as Patriot act does not infringe on any American citizens civil liberties, it should be renewed ", That quote is part of a rant I wrote a few days ago. My friend Live life seems not to agree. Again as a Moslem American citizen who looks very much like one, with dark hair, beard and all I like to confirm my belief about what I said. I like to even go further and say that even if American government chooses to use profiling as a tool to combat terrorism, it is all right with me.

My friend Live Life had asked me " How do you feel if the government ease drops on your personal conversations. Well there is a program that came to inception during Clinton administration, it is called ASHALAN ( I am not sure about the name). Under this program, all the cellular conversations that goes on is collected by the government, and reviewed. The agents look for terms and words that might be suspicious and then review the conversations. So you see my friends, we are under surveillance already, and this happened long before 9/11. That is how Newt Gingrich's private conversations on his cellular phone was picked up, and was written about in the media.

Our main civil liberty and the most vulnerable one at these times is the liberty to live our lives, to be alive, since if we ever were robbed of that liberty, the rest does not really matter. We live in a different times after 9/11. And these times require us to use any technology we have to protect ourselves. I do not care if the government ease drops on my conversations. It is a well known facts to all of us that the minute we pick up our cellular phones and converse, the signal we use is in danger on being incepted by almost any one. and by using our cellular phones we are accepting that vulnerability. I personally am not much fond of the cellular phones, and only use it for business when I go to New York. Again I like to emphasize, the only element that allows us all the Civil Liberties we have , is the fact that we live in United States of America, and we are rich enough, all of us in our lives and liberties we enjoy, to put some of them on hold in order to protect our existence.

However I feel this way since I do like this president and trust his instincts. I probably would have felt differently if another president like Bill Clinton was in office.

Posted by Idinraha at 01:06 PM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2006

Bush & Executive power

On Monday, Former Vice President, Al Gore, had a major speech about power grab by executive branch of our government. Mr Gore has spent most of his life as a respected civil servant, a senator from Tennessee, and the Vice President of united states, during Bill Clinton's presidency. He has been the champion of many environment laws, and defender of american civil liberties. His aspirations for presidency became to end after his narrow loss to George W Bush in 2000 elections.

I have tremendous respect for Mr Gore's opinion but on this point, I beg to differ, under the second Article of the constitution, the president as the head of the executive branch, has the ultimate power to wage war and detain our enemies, also the power to gather information to protect our nation. This power has been used by most of our presidents, from Abraham Lincoln, to Franklin Roosevelt, John Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Reagan, and Clinton. The power has given to an elected president by our forefather, not to the legislative branch, or the Judiciary. Our constitution has proven to be the most important and the most valuable cornerstone of our Federal Government and the reason America has had such growth domestically and internationally.

Surprisingly since 9/11 the legislative body and the Judiciary has come to encroach on this power, by passing laws and reversing precedents. If the same political environment existed during the Civil War, or the second World War, it would have resulted in breaking this nation in half, and the rise of Nazi Germany through out Europe, and the Imperialist Japan in far east. During Civil War, Abraham Lincoln, revoked the writ of habeas corpus and jailed many of his political opponents until the end of the war. Abraham Lincoln is regarded as one of finest presidents, and most influential political power in our young republic.

The president power to detain enemy combatants came to the courts in 1950 in "Johnson v. Eisentrager", to provide more rights to detainees outside the United States's territory. The Supreme court, under and opinion written by Justice Robert Jackson denied such a right. However in 2004, the congress, the same congressmen and senators that defend the merit of the precedent during the Alito confirmation hearing, brought it to themselves to change this precedent and the Supreme Court reversed the law, allowing the enemy combatant, the detainees held in Guantanamo bay ( not a territory of United States), the same privileges to have their day in court as any American Citizen. " Rasul v. Bush ",The majority opinion was written by Justice John Paul Stevens,, with no regard to its encroachment on executive power.

There was also a further amendment to the law "Detainees Provision " passed recently, championed by John Mc Cain of Arizona that allows enemy combatants to appeal the military tribunal rulings to the appeal courts, and limits the military and CIA in their efforts to gather information, and using torture as a tool to reach that end. This is also an encroachment on the executive power, since as we said under the article two of the constitution such power has only been given to the president. There is also the FISA court that again takes the power of the president to use any means to defend us under the constitution and the WAR ACT, that was passed by the congress, and gives the power to an appointed Judges to approve of any surveillance.

The New York Time, in an article, head lined misleadingly as DOMESTIC SPYING AND EASE DROPPING, has written how the Bush administration, has short cut the FISA law, by not obtaining any court approval to spy on the phone conversations between Al qeada Terrorists and their counter parts inside America. The Attorney general Gonzales has defended the administration's action by pointing at how the technology and the rapid changes in counter intelligent surveillance does not allow us the privilege of due process. President Bush is adamant that he has only executed his constitutional power, and he would continue to do so. Mr, Bush Believes he is elected by the majority to be the president and his main duty as the president is to protect American people.

The media has also neglected to inform people that, many senators and congressman, mostly the heads of the committees have been informed of such act, and have been in the know. However not all the representatives have been informed since leaking information has been mostly practiced by our congressmen and senators, and their aids. The New York Times has been privy to this information for more than a year, and the sudden publishing of the article when the Patriot Act was to be renewed by the congress and immediate publishing of a book by the author of the article has not been coincidental.

On Tuesday, the ACLU lawyers brought suite against the government. and if the 2006 election changes the majority and dominance of the republicans in congress, we probably will see committees that would investigate this further, and there has been also whispers of the I word around Washington, Impeachment. Senator Sc hummer has defended the CIA Leakey as a whistle blower, although there is going to be an investigation by the attorney general into the leek and the proponents of it. Mr Gore has also asked for Independent Investigation of the process, and president Bush's authority.

As an American, a Moslem American I have been in support of the Iraq war. and I do believe taking the fight to the enemy has been the best tool in our war against Terror. The reason for the war could be as elementary as Iraq being the weakest dictatorship in Middle East, and the easiest road and scene for us to confront our enemies. Sadam's atrocities, protecting the oil field from the terrorist, and even the idealistic Neo cons plan of bringing democracy and peace to middle east, they all have different places in legitimizing the Iraq war for me. The geo politics of middle east has always been complex. I know there is a cost to the peace and security we all have enjoyed since 9/11. over two thousands young American lives, much more wounded, maimed, and scared for life. Over fifty thousands Iraqis killed on the other side. But I believe our mission in Iraq and in defending ourselves from terrorists is noble, and we would have had many 9/11 since the last one, if we did not take the war to our enemies.

I also believe that the Patriot Act has been a major tool in our fight against he the terrorists, and keeping peace inside our country, and as long as it does not infringe any civil rights of any American citizens, it should be renewed. I also give kudos to Mr Bush for risking his presidency
for the good of the Americans and the country. I also think as many Americans do that the ease dropping on our enemies without the court approval would only help us in our struggle.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:59 AM | Comments (1)

January 11, 2006

Q&A with g & i

g- So, what do you think?
i- About you?
g- yeah, about me, Sam, his theory, the whole enchilada
i-well, you are here, Sam does not deny your being, he has problem with how your being is utilized by religions
g- He is an interesting man, and committed to his cause, I like men like that. The thinking man
I-But isn't he also promoting a new idea, by denying and old one, maybe even a new religion, isn't thatwhere the religions begin, by an idea.
g- In a way yes, he is. you guys have a way to get lost in your ideas and the way their popularity strokes your ego, nothing is as soothing to you as hearing your own voice, so where do you stand?
I- On my feet mostly.
g-Don't get cute. I like to know.
i-But I thought you are the all knowing
g-Well, there's a lot of PR in that, you guys like looking up, and pedestal placements. Okay, I know , but I like you to know if you do.
i-You promise no retribution, I am very happy with my placement in life right now.
g-you want a carte blanch?
i-In a way
g- You know I would not do to you any more than you do to yourself
i-You saw me do my prayer this morning, so I believe, its hard not to. but doubts are always there, in a way they challenge you resolve
g-challanges are good
i-So what about consciousness
g-Call it whatever you want, as long as it takes you there, and keeps you connected to us, I am not choosy, you make the names any way.
i-What about religions?
g- well lets say, there has been many committed thinkers, and philosophers, and some of them have been more successful than others, and they are close to us for their nobility and purity of their conscious living. I don't care what you call yourself, or call me, as long as you call. And remember you set the rules, you govern your being, you reward yourself and you punish, and as usual you are most extreme in each, much more than I would have been.
i-So you think if I spend forty days in a desert and try to talk to you, I could come up with my own religion?
g-in your case a week would be fine, and I like to see you try, incidentally next time, put my initial in capital letter, I'm kinda used to it.
I-Vanity?
G- what ever fits.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)

January 08, 2006

Merits of God within the terrains of Reason

Yesterday, I wrote a rant ,THE WAY I SEE IT, about my vision of the life on this lonely planet. In the rant I also had many praises for Ariel Sharon, Prime Minister of Israel, and his role in the peace process in Middle East. I also mentioned that as a Moslem I do pray for his well being and recovery. My friend Fereydoon, asked me in a comment why I call myself a Moslem, and how as a self claimed(I don't remember such claim though!) intellectual I could brand myself a Moslem.

Any body who has read my rants for the last year knows how I am wrestling with the presentation of my religion Islam in the world, and how I am desperately trying to hold on to what I have or Have had. These days more than ever the whole idea of religion and the necessity of it in our lives is on the attack. Again to some extent, the attack is coming from the conscious mind of the writer than any other source. The abstract ideas of religion has always been moked by the factual doubts and the intelligent inquiries of all, but now more than ever because of the rise of fundamentalism and the terror it has brought to the world, we feel the need to examine the whole phenomenon of Religion even further.

I have the habit of saying prayers under lips, while driving for the first ten minutes of my ride , no matter where I am going and I did that last night too. I had dinner with my In-laws, as we do every Saturday night, and then went home. Put on my pajamas and turned on the TV. What came up made me believe that they might be a divine order in making me think about my doubts further. On C-span, there was a speech and Q&A session with Sam Harris, He is a PhD in Nero science, who is studying to find the origins of the beliefs in human mind (Heavy)! He was talking about his new book, The End Of Faith: religion and terror, and the future of Reason. I felt ambushed, but he is a capable speaker, and he sounded good. There was no way avoiding it, so I sat and watched.

Afterward I did ask myself, so now what? There was no way to avoid his reasoning, and to any intelligent being his ideas had merit. On top of it all, Last week watching TV, I caught the tail end of a movie. What The Bleep Do We know. It was most interesting, filled with testimonials of PHD scholars, challenging the depth of our knowledge, and the rise of the consciousness in relation to study of Quantum Physics(Heavy again)!. I was guided to a site on the Internet by the movie credits, and there I logged in and found the sight also most interesting. You see as a contemparory man I do crave learning, knowing , as the most of you do. We all want to know: What are we doing here: What is the purpose. Sam Harris's reasoning for creation of religion by men, was that- we have to be honest with ourselves and our fellow men about our emotions and reality of our death, and since we have been shy about this, we have created religion to ease us through , and the interesting part is also that creation of the religions have made us lazy in pursuit of the ultimate truth.

Sam Harris thinks, we have a lot to do to find out, and he is pursuing his goal by more research in the Nero development of human brain to find out the origins of Beliefs. He does not claim to be a heretic or an atheist, since he does not believe in religions and God, he does not sincerely believe in anti God either. He thinks as intelligent people we have the capacity to use the tools of reasoning to find out the truth of our origins, and God. He also praises the rise of studies in Consciousness, the state in which we become more than all we are as a self. more than a unit, and mostly parts of a whole we are. It is the realization of this stage that has been hard for us, we have labeled it Spirituality, another abstract term, and have tried to reason our way through it. Sam Harris sees religion as a stepping stone that has barred us from reaching the consciousness, since contrary to religions, there is no difference in consciousness and no bigotry, no Jihads, Heretics, Crusades, Fanatics, or any other schools of thoughts that are embedded in Religions.

Mr Harris, sees all the religions, as means to divide the masses, and differentiate amongst them. with ultimate cruelty of inhalation for any one or sects that would not believe in that particular religion. I do admit that this particular part of religions is egotistic, and divisive, and religions, or any schools of thoughts we adhere to should not be devisive since they do not better our lives by dividing us. Now lets look at it differently. I have seen in Quran, and it is on the first page of most of the Quranic sites that Islam does not condone terrorism, or killing another human beings for any reason but in defense of one's life. However we have heard through Hadises(proverbs), credited to Mohammad, our prophet, that anyone who does not believe in God is a heretic and If we can not pursue them to become believers, they can be killed. That is the same in Christianity, and Judaism. They only believe that their own believers can be accepted to Heaven, and the rest are only worthy of Hell. That is the most troublesome part of any religion to me.

So what to do, read more, pursue different venues of reasoning, and try to understand the meaning of our little adventure on earth, while holding to some of what we are brought up with, the part that points to kindness, generosity, truth, and happiness. For the time being I do tell myself that the ultimate sign of God is the consciousness, and because of lack of understanding and limited intelligent of the audience and their imaginations, we have been represented by the whole idea of God, Evil, Heaven, and Hell, although I am not at ease with this either.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:43 PM | Comments (1)

January 07, 2006

The way I see it

Well, here we are, in a new year of a young century. They say to learn about your future, you should study your past. The conflicts we are facing now have the same historic elements to them, just wrapped in new circumstances and new characters, But more than ever it's the same historic elements that we face, and more than ever we need good men and women to afford us our survival.

Living in this part of the world, this vast continent, it is easy to be uninformed, although they are so many new venues available to us to find the information. Americans have changed a great deal within the last thirty years that I have lived here. They have a better sense of the world and are not as isolated in their visions of other societies. The last two wars, and what happened at 911 has brought a new awakening to them of the complex issues of social and political life that people live with on the other side of the Oceans. They feel more exposed and more vulnerable to the rest of the world and hopefully that allows them more compassion and understanding of the wide differences in societies and their cultures..

The oceans do not protect us any more, and the hatred and jealousy of the others that are witness to our privileged ways of living has become the new reality of this age. We do live in the richest house in the neighborhood (as Thomas Friedman has said)of the world and if we do not come up with solutions for the rest of the neighborhood, we will feel the rage and that stains of materialistic and intelligent poverty of the other societies. I definitely believe that America's vision of the world and its middling's in its affairs is not Imperialistic as the simple minded ideologies of uninformed masses would say. It is visionary, and the future of this land and its survival depends on this new world order. Our gift to the rest of the world can not be anything but Freedom and democracy.

I was at a party not long ago where I was seating between two Physicians, and I was exposed to their belly achings. They were smiling as they were discussing how the whole motive behind the conflict in Iraq is for Oil and nothing else. Soon their voices got louder as they were confirming each other's sentiment, that although they live a privileged lives in this country, they were human enough to see the atrocities of Bush administration and how they felt for their fellow men . I looked across the table and saw my beautiful wife shaking her head, telling me not to say anything and since we were the hosts, I stayed quiet while itching so badly to give them a lesson in all the reasons that had brought us to Iraq and the conflict that we are involved.

I do make it my business to listen, to read and learn. I go across the Internet and find different opinions of many about the state of our living. I go further and read more, because I am interested and because I have to know. I always welcome a good discussion or a debate, as long as it is based on facts, and not sentiments. And I think, if I feel good enough about myself and my opinion to start preaching, I better be clear about my facts. There is a certain responsibility in putting words on paper or projecting an idea in a crowd. I expect the same from others. It is much easier to do otherwise.

The news of Ariel Sharon's illness and the effect it would have on the problems of the middle east and the world has shaken me. I have a certain admiration for Mr Sharon in his quest for peace, and hate to see that all he has done unravels. It's interesting that as Iranians, many of my friend, my contemporaries and I have been poisoned about the state of Israel and plights of the Jewish nation. When I came here like most of Iranian Moslem men of my generation, I did have a certain dislike for Israel and Jews. However after living in this
country I have a more positive and moderate opinion of them and what they have accomplished in the last fifty years. I also think what happened at 911 has brought us more sympathy and better realization of their plight. I have learned that the eternal conflict I have witnessed in my life between Moslems and Jews has a deep root in ignorance, hatred and geopolitical policies. As Mr Ahmadinejad(Iran's new president) put it so eloquently in his many speeches, the ultimate goal for Islamic ideology he represents is the inhalations of the Jewish state and all the Jews. And I wonder what would be next, probably Jihad against America and west, for in their opinion if you are not a Moslem you are a heretic, and deserving of death.

Unfortunately I still see the same bigotry amongst many Moslem friends against Israel and the right of Jews to live in an independent state. Mr Sharon is much despised amongst Moslems for what happened in Beirut, when the Christian militia slaughtered the Moslem Mojahedins. He was a general at that time and in war with Islamic fractions in Beirut. When he cam to power I was as apprehensive about what would be the result of his leadership and ideologies for Israel and Palestinians. But Mr Sharon came to accept that his main duty as a Prime Minister was to bring peace to the region. He had approved the policy of assassination of Hamas leaders and the opposition, one by one before, which helped the situation and now as a politician he had to come up with a form of diplomacy to bring Palestinians to the peace table. Giving up Gaza, and the most of the West bank, although very much against the popular opinion in Israel, was the main solution. He was brave enough to understand this and accept it. That is what made him an statesmen and brought an era of Seize fire and the road to peace initiatives. and that would be the main legacy of Ariel Sharon.

I hope his replacement would have the same vision and understanding to stay with the peace talks. As a Moslem I have been praying for his health, I think Palestinians should too, since he has been their worst enemy first and now their best friend.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:49 AM | Comments (4)

A Firelight Conversation in Martyr Square

http://hotzone.yahoo.com/b/hotzone/blogs1928;_ylt=AlEVEQkDzHnvA71q3xPylB2LFMsF;_ylu=X3oDMTBjZzJsamRkBHNlYwNibG9nLWVudA--

Posted by Idinraha at 10:43 AM | Comments (0)

December 30, 2005

Jesus

If those who lead you say to you, "See, the Kingdom is in the sky," then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, "It is in the sea," then the fish will precede you. Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:20 PM | Comments (0)

Gandhi

When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it - always.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:15 PM | Comments (0)

You do what you can

My new discovery has been GOOGLE EARTH, I know I am a bit behind but I have it now. It's a very interesting soft ware, allowing you to view the whole planet we live on. It is colorfully, and mind bugling making me wonder what's next. I don't relate to the twenty first century very well, and technical gadgets confuse me, and I am afraid of the Cyber reality. However living on this planet is changing so fast in its structure and relations, that if you do not catch up........

My another discovery has been that I am a hermit. I like the distance that the Internet technology affords me in my relations with others. I don't do Friendship well, and just being in the close parameter of my immediate family suites me fine. I do everything to the extreme, maybe trying to expedite the process and go to the next thing, for one life is not enough to know and experience the gift of living. The most appealing features of this living though for me is Truth, and loving. The pureness of Truth intrigues me, and the generosity of loving fulfils me.

And I have so many bags that I have carried with me for so long and I am hoping that at some point I would let them down and get to step lightly, and dare further. I guess I can say that it was a tough year, but in many ways quite interesting and fulfilling. I do feel blessed for living in this country, and enjoying the peaceful security of living my every day life. It is was at the beginning of this year that Choob opened a whole new ways of relations for me by allowing me to have this blog and the privilege of registering my thought, and poetry. It was a very generous gesture and I am in debt to him. And I did have a good run with his gift and God knows how being here and doing this has helped me emotionally, allowing me to learn a lot, and to say a lot. I have shown my love through this blog for many people and also my disdain for some. I do have a sharp tongue, but I hope they all know that my main audience more than anyone else has been me, and my disdain more than any one else has been for me.

Frederic Fellini says, as an artist, it is your job to offend, to object and find new ways to showcase the reality you see. As one who has strived to fill that mold, I guess it has come naturally to me to do what I do, complementing or offending many around me. I was able to dare and write a book, good or bad I would not know yet, but I started it and I finished it. As usual Hob had been a loyal friend and companion through out the whole process. DR, Bridgford also had been a source of encouragement and did put up with all my moods and odd behavior through out that process too. And of course my wife, who centers my life so gracefully and patiently has been a source of loving and support. She is the one that actually asked me the question;" Javad, why is living so hard for you"? To which I did not have any answer.

You could fill the papers with many questions, you could ask for more, and then ask for even more, you could doubt your existence, your motives, your religion, your relations, your life, trying to get further and further close to the truth that awaits you. And in the process you would learn a lot, you would open many doors, which lead you to many other ones. But it's the quest, it's the process, that becomes the nucleus of your life and living. It is the trip and not the destination. And for a stationary man I do travel a lot. At the end you would find out that what you are does not change, but who you are would prosper in the process, so you do what you can.

There are people who have a much simpler understanding of their lives and living. For them, there are only Blacks, and whites. I envy them their calm and piece, and pity them for their limitations. For they never get to experience the magnificence of Purple and lavenders, the serenity of Blues and the life of reds. Looking at a sunset in its glory does not bring tears to their eyes, and seclusion of a bare winter does not touch them. They do not realize the longing of the fallen leaves in Ambers of Autumns and the wet humid sense of any bare foot summer. But they keep their skin in tact, and shades soothes their fears. There is always a balance, always a cost, and if you choose to wonder in the woods, be prepared to get lost.

It is about Four month that I have been also blessed with a new girlfriend, Josie, A seventy years young bundle of Joy, hugs and kisses. She brings me many gifts and we sit to talk many hours. She is generous with her emotions, and love, with long hugs and big kisses. I have always been blessed with companionship of older people. Sam Bino was a good friend to me, and guided me through my early days in business and thought me a lot about life, BOB German was another fabolus companion to me for many years, so was Teresa Pitaro, another generous soul, and they all afforded me their friendship and wisdom, and now it is Josie. Marjan invited her to spend the new years eve at our house with our family and she is coming for dinner.

My mother is one of the most beautiful women that I know. and she has been caring for me for all my years, and this year more than ever she has always been there when I needed her. She has watched over me closer than ever this year and although I do not call her every day like her other sons, but she knows I do love her. My brother Hossein also has been supportive of me through out this year. We are not very close and we differ in every aspects of our ideas and life. But he has been there for me when I needed him this year and I am grateful to him. I have a deep respect for the way he has brought up his sons and have tried to learn from him in that venue.

And of course MY two beauties, Amin, the sunshine of life, and Kiana, the apple of my eyes. They make me feel that I have done something good somehow somewhere to deserve the joy that they bring to me every day of my life. I have learned how to love from them, and it is such a privilege to be able to see them every day and watch them grow toward the promise of their lives.
I never expected such a fortune, such amazing depth of loving, and more than ever I am grateful to my wife for her share in such wondrous production and how she takes such very good care of them, how she loves them and guides them, gracefully and effortlessly. They make me want to be better, and do much more than what I can.

I should also pay tribute to Anthony my other Man crush, for being who he is. A gentle soul, who has been so supportive of all my crazy ways. He gives so much with such an ease, and we have come to be there for each other as we are getting older and raising our own families.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:15 AM | Comments (2)

December 26, 2005

Christmas in our house

well, Kiana insists on having the Christmas tree, and Kiana gets what she wants. We do have a beautiful Christmas tree in our living room, and two medium size colorful Christmas tree lights behind the windows in the dinning room. The kids have given us the list and we made sure they get most of what they expected. I even managed to buy my beautiful wife a special Gift and she was happy, and I tell you nothing was more satisfying to me that seeing her face after she saw her gift.

Our house is decorated beautifully with lots of colors on the walls, and hand picked decorations by my tasteful wife. And during the holiday it is even more colorful and prettier than ever. Christmas day the kids woke us up at 5 O'clock in the morning, eager to open their gifts. within ten minutes the gifts were open, and Marjan was all over the room picking up the paper wraps. I even got a gift. After ward I went back to bed, and slept till ten O'clock. Then got up , had breakfast and went back to bed again. around twelve thirty Marjan woke me up to take a shower and get ready to go to Julie's house. We took the gifts we had for them and went over there where every one had gathered for the Christmas early dinner. Again an Apple Martini and I was in my elements, feasting on all kind of goodies. The dinner was served and we all ate to our hearts delight, the kids opened their gifts and bunch of us sat watching the Basketball game. I took another nap on the couch, and was woken up to go to the desert table, LIFE IS GOOD.

After we came back home, I turned in early and by Seven thirty I was in bed, sleeping again. I tell you I could use a few days like this, and guess what the new years is around the corner and I will get another day off. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 02:46 PM | Comments (2)

American politics in a glance

Christmas wishes and New year's dreams. What a year so far, we live in exciting times. We live in a time that makes men out of many boys, and allows the truth to come shining through. I was so disappointed by the Time's, Person of the year. I would have liked to see Sharon, the Prime minister of Israel on that cover, but as usual Times gets it wrong. Sharon has shown in the last few years how a soldier becomes a state man, and how a man can evolve and better himself for the sake of his people and the good of the world. I like to say, Mr, Sharon we did not know you and we are pleased by everything you have done, my hat is off to you.

I would have also liked to see The American Soldier's picture on that cover. What these young men are doing for the sake of Peace and in defense of their country is honorable. Specially in times like this that we all have forgotten what honor, duty and sacrifice means. And contrary to the rumors and jokes that are going around, these are not uneducated men from poor states, and the latest polls have shown that most of them are from higher middle class educated families. The last of real Americans who are not brain washed by the elites and the Academics in this country. God bless them.

As usual, the Democrats are bickering and bitching about their latest hope to discredit Mr, Bush, making an ass of themselves. If you need to know about their latest Brouhaha. Mr Bush is in the right and has the legal precedent on his side. Under the fourth amendment, the Commander in chief has the right to do what ever in protecting this country and Mr, Bush has better than earned that right. Stop bickering and read some court cases, like UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, vs, Duggan, or UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , VS UNITED STATES FEDERAL COURT. Don't just mouth and ape the little you hear from CNN and the three networks, do your own research and you might learn something.

The Polls also show that majority of Americans do agree with Mr, Bush in doing what ever he can to protect them. and in the new year, The Patriot Act will pass both houses, since the Democrats and liberal Republicans as fool hardy as they are, they would not want to be on the wrong side of the arguments, specially with mid-term elections coming up. Mr, Bush's last five speeches has brought new attention to the problem of the borders, and the legitimacy of the war in Iraq, and to the dismay of our friends on the left his late's approval vote is around 47% and rising. Democrats and their mouth pieces are for a rude awakening at mid-term elections, finding out that the JOKE is on them. so while they are drinking their HOLIDAY drinks, and their cracker and cheese and telling each other the latest jokes about the president, we let them be and stew in their ignorance .

Posted by Idinraha at 02:11 PM | Comments (0)

December 11, 2005

Their house

Sitting lifeless, watching the tube, images crawling, I do not register. Then I notice a mark on the couch, a stain, I take the cloth, some detergent and rub it out, gently so the fabric does not give in, does not bruise, I am sweating as I go further, there is more, here and there, before I know it I am stained in sweat, and the couch looks so fine.

I try to remember, how the house seduced me, and I fell for it's spell, we moved in and the kids loved the new territories, they could run, stop, and run again, and the sounds of their laughter filled the house. we moved a few walls, she was obsessed to make it ours, as she brought color patches, asking me, and I chose some, some she agreed, a new floor Brazilian red, a new kitchen, all the bathrooms getting a face lift, new paints and furniture and when it was all done, she came to rest, at last it was our home, her house.

I close the doors tight every night, as she follows me, my little shadow that can not get enough of me. she learns as we do our ritual every night, she learns how to care for what is hers, is ours, how to lock the doors, and then she feels safe, hanging by my neck, " Lets go beddy bye, she says, as I smile. We lay on the bed, I hold them both, each holding the half part of me they claim, I feel their breath on my neck, we talk, as the sleep finds them, their hands fall, unlocking me, to get up and find my place, next to the lioness I sleep with.

I wonder, many a times, every day of my life, and have come to accept that I might have done something right in, for I have so much of what matters, so very much, the sounds of their feet on the floor, their laughter's, bickering," mine, mine", as they shout, claiming their territory, I think what memories they will have of their father, mother and their house.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:09 PM | Comments (0)

A word from Businessmen

A close look, and report from Iraq, by William F. Buckley

Posted by Idinraha at 12:13 PM | Comments (0)

"Don't ask, Don't tell", Hypocrisy

Another very interesting column by George Will.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:04 PM | Comments (0)

But seriously guys , this clown is dangerous!

This is an interesting column by Mark Steyn a Sun Times columnist, read it.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:58 AM | Comments (1)

December 08, 2005

SOLDIERS

I wonder, who will defend this land. Old men don't make good soldiers, and the lack of morality and beliefs would not motivate the young ones. Is power so precious that one loses his dignity, or are they blind. NAACP would not defend this land, neither does the feminist. The elites talk a good talk, but the last one that came from the war, though out his shady purple hearts and marched against us, not knowing how his grandstanding would cost him so dearly. The business men profit from the war, but they don't fight it, its not cost effective to them.

Our liberties do not defend us, our human rights would not either. The United Nation is a corrupted institution, the home for corrupted politicians from all the nations. Our idealistic notions would not defend us, doubts and second guessing's would not help us. The media would fight against us, betraying us, for they are Judas and ready to sell. GLADD would not defend this nation, neither would NOW. Our politician, they would sell their mothers to the higest bids of any lobbyist before take any arms to defend this nation.

Soldiers defend us, soldiers who believe in this nation, this land and the necessity of our stand for the growth of the dynasty of men on this earth. lets not demoralize them. Lets understand how fierce the enemy is, and how fragile our liberties would be upon our fall. Lead, follow or get out of the way.

Posted by Idinraha at 06:07 PM | Comments (0)

December 07, 2005

Lost

Be patient, I am an acquired taste, so.......I was lost for a while, lets just say, I went away, what a hell, a sabbatical of sort. But I always come back, ready to rumble. Back to basic, where there's a rhythm to expectation and decency. Why decency I don't know, I usually don't go far. I wrote a poem today, God, I haven't done that it so long, but I went back to the well. Drank a few gulps and there it was swirling in me and coming up. writing poem is like sex, once you get in the saddle it all comes back to you. I renewed my subscription at Poets. com. I was welcomed back by my old friend METAL NYMPH, did some reviews, probably made a few people angry and felt much better.

So there's still time, before we obliterate the world to pieces, before we see another Democrat in office, (see how close those two statements come, one after another). There's still time, so lets turn the TV off, talk a bit, have some tea, and then maybe go for a walk, and at the end of the day, watch the sunset, and turn in. Life is good.

Posted by Idinraha at 01:29 PM | Comments (2)

November 30, 2005

You bore me

you bore me, and that I can't forgive. you are not beautiful, and you are not aging gracefully. But I can put up with all that, I dim the light, I look else where, but if you bore me, there is no remedy in me for that. I will fly away. I have to be rude, there is no other option, you are carrying so much on your little frame, and would not allow yourself a let. You are too constricted, too careful, you walk slower now and you think ahead, getting yourself ready for what comes next, and in a way you deprive yourself of a certain joy, fears, emotions, you are dead. yes, I regret to inform you, you are dead. you exist, barely, vegetating, by instinct, but your footsteps do not leave any traces and your hands are colder than death.

Happiness, well, that eluding joy, when everything stays in a passive motion, and you are free within your unconscious mind, free. Living is habit forming, ropes extend, you pull and they come, and at some point they release you to yourself, or at least that's what they tell you. you are physically free. But wait a minute, there are ghosts in the Machine, the parasites have stained the nucleus, you are predisposed, you have learned, you have been thought, there are names you know, memories, such overrated dreams. you will not forget, as the silken moist ropes, thin as they are, weeding within you, you are connected, you belong. There are mirrors to help you with your impressions of yourself, covering the surfaces only, there are shallow waters, and whales that are lost hibernating in death.

There are books, voices, images carried on winds, they reach you, every inch of you within every seconds of your living. There are beliefs pregnated within you, bounding you, angels sitting on your shoulders, choices and consequences. Devils, not in red capes with horns, the every day devils, urges, desires, longings, all within you, within the chemical fusion of you, inside deep, in hollow crevices of unconscious you, running deep. and a landscape of Gods ahead of you. Do not , no, no, do not ask questions, turn within you and carry a lantern, be daring, yes, you, be daring.

So you think you know, you take the trail, walk, celebrating your quiet escape, not knowing what awaits you at the bend, and yet, you ask for what come may, and it does, as surprising as it might, you know, deep within you, you covet and you receive, you ask, you need, you want and it comes to you, within the boundaries you set, within the life you live, Godless, free, you hope, and walk further, and there, it stands, not far from you, all you wanted, the beloved, the stranger, the keeper, and once upon him, he turns, and it is you, its all of you.

And yet you come back, with no songs to sing, no tales, empty of colors, nothing to offer, but sweat and dread, with me here expecting you, to tell you, you bore me..........you and your little life, your little adventures, your misguided journeys, your silence. your skin dry, your eyes red, and within the ruins of your face, no joy, no smile, the arrogance of lies, the manipulation of life.
You bore me.............

Posted by Idinraha at 04:56 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2005

For you...................................so you would know

You got to push a bit more, got to try harder. We would reclaim this age, we always have, for we never stop. Take a different tack, find a new passage, lets read the book again and decipher, maybe we remember. It's all here, we know that, there are passages to unknown, remember that night reading the book, the cold sweat and the shiver. It was not the wine, it was the air we breathed, and the connotations of the word, it was all there, remember we stopped, we could not dare any further. There is a reason for sunsets, there's reason for not seeing, we could not take it any more, and it was more, much more than we expected.

I miss the wine, those faces, and the comradery amongst us. I miss the thirst, what happened to our curiosity, you see we have been engulfed in so much mediocrity, we don't see any more, we don't hear, it's all here, we just got a glimpse, like when we saw the neighbors daughter in her room in a quiet trance, and how we got scared, for we were not allowed, don't, don't worry about the comparisons, urges are pure, specially at that age. You followed me when I opened my palm and showed you the sun, but I knew, I always knew you never believed, you were too factual, too realistic, but I could not let go, journeys need companions, touching reality needs affirmation, and even a non believer like you soothed my loneliness.

Yes, you, it was only me and you, don't deny it. I was the keeper and you knew that, but you needed more miracles and miracles are for those who believe. you liked my hair, the arrogance of my walk, and the loneliness that was brazen and independent, you liked me more than you wanted to, you knew I will take you there, beyond the limitation of my physical reach, I would take you there. Doubts, you held on to you doubts and hid them in your pockets, and asked me again and I had no patience for your doubts, we had to walk, reasons are for those who live carefully , not for me, the way I glowed in your eyes, I was the keeper and you knew, like you knew the east and west of your limitations.

But, would you have laid on the stone and trusted your skin to my daggers, I expects much, too much, and you did not know, I had a garden full of heavenly creatures, and I would have taken you there, so you see the law, the basic measures of living, and how they would have guided us to a close eternity, but you held on to your doubts in your little pockets, and I had to leave, I had to leave you, I could not afford your doubts, or your silence, and you knew you had lost me, your
keeper, your cultivated self, your daring ghoul, you lost me, and I left.

There is tendency in all OD us the turn the key, and allow the light to dictate our reality, but the house was empty and dark, and you stood by the window, trying to remember where the key was, and the bird stayed inside the room, hanging by the side of the wall, and you knew you were watched. I was inside, sitting in the dark, and we allowed the years to take all it was for us to see, and lived carefully with me inside, and you behind the window.

We sit in a cafe, order tea, I have mine black, you ask for sugar and milk, and I try to remember how you mouth tasted the last time we kissed, and try to remember you scent. You are shorter now, life has had a way with you, and I am even smaller. There is a cool arrogance about my standing, the way I deny you any space, I guess hearts remember what mind forgets. I lit a cigarette, offering you one, you hesitate for a moment, and then you take one too. I lit it for you as I look inside your brown eyes, I see the glow of the match in your iris is, you inhale and allow the smoke to sip in, somehow I wish I could.

She had to go away, she had to find her way, and she was afraid she would get lost, and I let her to trace a map on my skin. She never knew how close she was to the reality of my living, how I had trusted her. It's amazing how the beauty become ordinary when there's no attachment. boorish, as beautiful as her limbs looked, it was boorish, I could not reach her through her sex, no matter how deep I was inside her, I could not reach her, and she closed her eyes as she reached the climax, there, right there, there was an opening, where the unconscious mind is vulnerable and is exposed, and she closed her eyes, and I drifted away.
There was a certain joy in solace of losing her. loneliness shined on my skin, and the melancholy writer that lived in me celebrated in joy. He had me again all to himself.

Sit across from me and allow me to touch you, allow me in, like a lazy hours of a misty summer afternoon, and I will tell you of rain, of my soaked desires, of the joy within the heights I dare, but you have to cross the calendars, and tell me you belong to me, and I breath in you a reality. Oh, spaces, the little parcels we occupy within our existence, walk with me in a bare foot summer , walk with me in the first snow, walk with me amongst the red brown dried leafs and the cold breeze of the autumn, and I will fin you the spring. I will share the last glass of the old wine with you and taste you tongue with all the fervor of a new begriming, pray in me, call me, stand on the top of the tallest peaks and call me, somehow I will hear you, somehow.

Lets read the book again, trust yourself, its you I am calling........... yes , me, the keeper.

Posted by Idinraha at 05:33 PM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2005

Murtha, a coward ?

The road to hell is paved with good intention. Ignorance and greed is a dangerous mix. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. Congressman Mertha, the man of the hour, a courageous Marine that has faught many battles, a veteran, a hawk in foreign policy, and yet he gets to be called a COWARD. I am sure he is not one, but well, where there's smoke , there's fire. So what makes a respected member of the congress suggest immediate withdrawal of our troupe from Iraq? Politics.

You see Democrats are seeing a bit of disarray in the oval office, and they can not help it. They want the power back, they want to set the agenda, they want one of them in the Oval Office. Nothing else matters, come rain , come shine, they need the fix. You see they believe that powers only belongs to them. They think they know better than the people that elected them. They know better than anybody else, what is good for America They want their Welfare State back, their socialized universal health care, forcing God out of every schools, gatherings, and public squares. They want the same sex marriage, nudity in television, free pornography, and pure Socialism, and most of all another Clinton in the office of the Presidency. They need it bad, real bad.

The Iraq war does not help them. More restriction on Immigrations, and a closed borders to illegal immigration does not help them; after all its the uneducated masses that vote democrat. Yes , and they want every convict that is jailed to be able to vote too. What to do?, What to do?. You see if the war is not finished by 2008 elections, there is a good possibility that people would want to stay the course, and not change parties in mist of a war. They have to change the popular opinion, so they get their colleagues in the Media to attack every thing with lies and distortion, the end justifies the mean for them.

It's not that they do not get it, they just don't care. They see how the socialist Europe is literally burning with disillusion of it youth, the high unemployment, high inflation, and the Islam Fascist
are taking advantage of the dissatisfaction of the youth and are burning cars, and buildings. They are still living in the haze of feel good living that they had during Clinton's shameful presidency. They have forgotten 9/11, and the new realities it has brought to our doors. However they are greedy enough to vote against the resolution that Congress man Mertha had brought to the floor and was devilishly used by Republicans to show Mertha how foolish his statement has been. The resolution was defeated by 400 to 3 .

Hillary Clinton has been running so fast to the center, we don't hear from her much. But there is Ross Fingered, a respected senator, who has always been against the war, and is respected for his integrity, and his voting record. He has been in New Hampshire a few times, he has aspiration to become president, and he is regarded highly by his collogues as the conscious of the senate. Whether Hillary wants it or not, Feign gold would make her to move to the left, the same way Dean made Kerry to move to the left and become a populist. So Democrats are going to be stuck with another nominee from a North East with questionable integrity and resolve. it would be interesting to watch how the Master(BJ Clinton) would deal with all of these in his effort to get his beloved to the throne.

I am so happy that George has been able to get in touch with his Brass Balls and is fighting back. I will be so delighted if Democrats grow some back bone, and try to filibuster Sam Alito.
We need to put all the cards on the table and stop pussy footing around what we want. Lets have the dialogue, lets fight over this one, lets use the Nuclear Option, and call it as it is. Nothing better that a real brawl in the congress, and if calling Murtha a Coward would start the whole thing, let the game begins.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:20 PM | Comments (0)

November 14, 2005

The new reality

This morning I looked inn the mirror, a face only a mother could love, annd only a wife would slap. It's the carbohydrates, I told myself, but my face has always been too common looking for my ego. I have a big rounnd face, with no exeptionnal features, I always look like someonne, that someone knows somewhere. There is not much structure or bonnes in my face, mainly a long forehead, wide thick eyebrows, a meaty nose, thick lips annd nno jawbone. I remedy the lack of any distinnctionn in lower part of my face with a beard I have been keeping ever sinnce I could have one.

I brushed my teeth, they are gettinng an amber hue over them, so I brushed a bit harder. I washed my face. and went downnstairs. There was plenty of noise coming from there and I was curios what was going on. Once I got around the fouyer and entered the kitchen, the lights almost blinded me. the kitchenn was full of people I did not know, but somehow they looked familiar. "Here you are, sleeping beauty, we are ready for you," I heard a man's voice with british accent. I rubbed my eyes, trying to get a better look. There, where the voice had come from, there was a stocky man with blond hair and blue eyes, with a wide smile on his face. Next to him there was a camera with a man standing behinnd it annd looking through the lenz. I was speech less. Who were these people in my house? I thought. But before I know it, I was yanked by two girls , taken to the living room next to the kitchen and was sat down on a chair.

"hello love," one of the girls said, as the other one brought a long mirror and set it infront of me."who are you"? I asked. " I'm Jan, you look too wide eyed for the morning, we got to make you up a bit," She said, and then she put some kind of fondation on my face. "what was that, where is Marjan, Marjan? I almost screamed. " settle down chap, I got to soften those lines on your mug, you look scary," she said. "Where is my wife "?

Posted by Idinraha at 03:35 PM | Comments (0)

November 13, 2005

The curve ball

Thursday I realized that its not in me to count all the falling leaves, so I decided to just watch them as they fall, and try not to step on them. Although by not doing that I may be going against the will, or the wheel of the nature. I am trying to think in black and white lately. I think it would give my mind an easier time to concentrate on the images and the process.

For a PEACEFUL man like me, lately I have been having violent dreams. I do need to clean my head more often, using a broom of course , you do know for my affinity for brooms rather than vacuum cleaners. the only things that stops me from a complete cleaning, brooming, is having to actually go to those caves and tunnels, visiting the old ghosts, and the picture albums. oh, the picture albums. I have no patience for picture albums, they do not do justices to the images I have in my big head. That's another source of pain for me, if I had to clean, broom my head, the volume of scattered materials and of course the size of the endeavor, which could put fear in any man's heart.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with my stomach in upheaval, it was so bad. I knew the culprit; the two cucumbers I had right before I went to sleep. My wife was up too. I went downstairs and she followed me, worrying about me. She thinks my depression is back. I disagreed with her. I told her I am okay, and if she has to worry about any one, she should worry about Chirac. I kinda thought he might be having bigger problem now thann I do.

Going back to Thursday. I knew Thursday was the day, I was anxious and so I sat me down and thought; well what is bothering you old boy ? I asked myself. I wrote them down. I knew it was time to go back to my regular schedule, I had been goofing around too much, the productivity was down, and I needed an overhaul. So I had an emergency meeting with the other members of the board, and made a few decisions, set a new agenda and I will be changing direction. I felt so much better afterward. I was invited for a celebration at Fairfield University for Dr .B's new book. The party was given by the Women's study center. the though of being amongst so many sharp witted women was thrilling. I made it there. I had decided before hand not to be overly charming, and overbearing, not to talk too much and behave. It was great to see Dr. B. I got a hug and a kiss which made me feel more comfortable. It was a nice crowd, the estrogen level was high, and I was getting as much of it as I could. I mingled with a few people, some thought that I was a teacher in school too.

The reading was great. Dr B could be quite animated, and she has a wonderful voice. I enjoyed the poems she had chosen and immersed myself in her voice, and her sharp wit. As her words washed over me, I knew how badly I needed to be there. There it was; the cure for all my anxieties, being among people I feel close to. Afterward I told Dr B, how much I enjoyed it and how I would be delighted to go to any such gatherings if I were invited.

So, let's do it again. Jack is back. I think I would ask my friend and guardian Choob to take away the locks from the site, and lets have another go around. I hope I have learned my lesson, and stay within the boundaries I should, but knowing me, only God knows. incidentally Dr B, introduced me to one of her old students that now is an editor with a major publishing company. She was gracious enough to give me her card, and ask me to send her some of my materials. who knows. LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:15 AM | Comments (1)

November 07, 2005

thoughts streaming

I am extended in motions, the sky passes by in amber and oranges, sunset westward receding, dripping away, I am elated, going, going onward, I live, I live in motion, I am born today of the mother I know, and the truth of my existence has been registered, though I would not know who I'll be, I exist like a weed or maybe a flower, just following the sun, feeding on what I am afforded. the roads, there are always roads to travel, doors to open, as I extend my hand with a smile I labor. Life walks outside, it moves, runs, hops, I watch it, and try to remember. I know I am thirsty I know I will drink, and I do what I do in all I know, , I live

She drives around the corner, she disappears in light, and I know I have left so much of me in her. she smiles as she speeds away and I wave again. she has walked outside of me, and has taken so much of my living with her, and I smile as I remember, It has come to me that there would be no rehearsal, although I was hoping so much, chances are this is all I will get and I think I will keep all I have, I search my pockets, not needing more, but maybe wanting, I know, I should accept and go on, but ...............

I hung the day on the calendar, I called it a name, I expect a stranger today I have not met, but I know it would be today, as the moon dares closer to Earth, we turn, and I would kiss him on his lips and share some tea in long neck glasses, and talk in soft tongues, almost whisper.......we sit all day and talk, I mostly listen, I will learn, and at sunset he would show me all the colors of his sky

I wish I had known more strangers, but the more I know the less they will be, unless I keep in motion. Gypsy's know as the wind blows, they put their ears on earth and listen to the evolution of time, and as the rain comes they rush to the top of the hills and stand naked, so the soil can feed on them nibbling on their bare toes and feet..........I have lived longer than I thought, this day , this long day, this life, this ever now, has taken me so far, and yet there is so long to go, I wish there was a cure to curiosity and then I know I would not ask for the cure.........

My friends live far, they walk tireless and they want so much, my friends are just far away memories of the other days much younger than now, they have bright eyes and silky hair and their skin is clear as the first snow, my friends, they never age and I have held them in a forever................. there are alleys dimly lit in my head, houses and I could stand outside the windows and watch them, but I could never ring the bell, or climb a wall, they will not know me, I have aged.............

I wish I could paint, I think a lot more in color these days, and I have become more aware of how they mix and become, I wish I could paint, I have this urge in me to use my hands, build something, to caress the skin of the wood, and sniff the smell of the woods that its within it, to shape it as I realize the limits of my images and the resolve of its body. I would have loved to build a chair or maybe a table, I know I would. But I know I will paint in my Fifties and who know maybe I get to sculpt later..............................It's like teaching a piece of would all you know or want, and then it becomes a part of you, of you...................................

I go upstairs early after dinner on purpose, Reading a book, a magazine or something, and I know my life would come to me in shape of my daughter, my wife and then my son, and as they splay on the bed next to me, four of us, I tell them stories , even sing them songs and feel so complete in that moment, I keep the outside away, caress her hair, hold him closer, as they find sleep.....................................and think of the first piece of would in my hands, and I dream away.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:49 PM | Comments (2)

October 19, 2005

I belong to you

I think to myself, Hey why not. The waters are quiet now, there a quiet breeze passing by. I can always find the sun, and know where the moon is. Why not. the planes are flying all over the world, and tired passengers are happy to get to their destinations. there are hands holding hands, there is love growing in some dimension somewhere. There are friends deep in discussion over the price of bread while sipping their teas. A girls lips is being kissed for the first time somewhere. There are cars being driven in crowded roads, and a boy is learning how to ride a horse for the first time. and eager hands of a Doctor somewhere is holding a new born baby.

It is not that complicated, It is simple. so let the birds go and cherish the depth of a sky. let the sun rise and the moon glow. Drink the water, eat the bread, and smile. there would not be another day like this to celebrate life. I envy the simplicity of his ways, his quiet knowing and his patience. I envy how he sees the blacks in all their severity and the whites in all their kindness. When the birds fly he turns his head, and watches them hurry to the end of the sky with wonder in his eyes. and I think I am so very lucky to know him, and learn from him.

Let's not lose the wonder, allow the kid to stay in play, and allow him another day of innocence. open the door and let the quiet spider to crawl out, allow it another day. and practice how to smile inside your head. There are angels every where, you just got to see them, and when you do they will touch you light as a feather, reaching as a knife in the water, soothing like love at its most quiet glorious moments.

Walk outside your life and take a look, a closer look at all you are getting and how much less you are giving and remember its the balance that brings peaceful sleep at night, the equilibrium of your trades. Ask for it, the same way you ask for sustenance, the same way you ask for water, ask for it and get it and in order to get it you will find you have to give, its an even trade that pays so high a dividend.

A close hand is only a fist, and open hand has many possibilities. The gate to you and all you feel, like open eyes, and open arms. ask for it, wanting is never enough, ask for it, its there for you to claim, close at hand. Hey why not?

I follow her with my eyes these days, touch her on her shoulder, kiss her arms, I call her, and smile, she become the mirror and smiles back, I hold her in my arms and hold a lamp in my hand and the light comes, that's the way I see it and it makes her smile. He fills my arms these days much more than ever and holds me closer, that is our space within our lives, inside each others arms. She can still sit in my lap and hangs by my neck, she is growing, and I am planning to love her more every day, more for ever, she smiles when I pinch her butt, she knows we are connected in so many ways and we will find more.

Belonging is such a reassuring sense, I belong to you of my own desire I belong to you for you make me a better person by belonging to you. You give me a sky and I will shine, you give me life and teach me how to live, I belong to you, for you have bargained for me with all the love you give me every day of my life.

Lets paint the sky Blue again, lets have a golden sun, green trees, and hills, flowers in all hues and a quiet breeze. and lets put ourselves in that scene, hang it on the wall in the foyer, or maybe in the family room where we live more than anywhere else. and in a few years I will buy us a bigger frame and paint again, knowing you are here and I belong to you.

Posted by Idinraha at 01:14 PM | Comments (0)

Musing

Winston Churchill had a speech in London. After he finished, a woman got up and said, "Mr Churchill, if you were my husband I would have fed you poison and killed you,".

Churchill replied: " Lady, if I was your husband, I would have taken the poison,".

Posted by Idinraha at 01:08 PM | Comments (0)

Advertising in NYT

Encyclopedia of Britannica for sale, Thirty volume, almost brand new,
just got married , the fucking wife knows everything.

Posted by Idinraha at 01:04 PM | Comments (1)

October 18, 2005

cover your eyes, and walk with me

Me and my movies. I watched sweet hereafter the other day. It's a movie by the Canadian movie maker Atom Agoyan. It's mesmerizing. It just pulls you in and holds you captive. There is a serene quietness to the sceneries and the location which has such a contrast to the severity of the tragedy that has happened there. The acting are flawless and the subject matter of the balance in the world and how we invite tragedies to our live in the way we live, is so very close to me. Probably one of the most quietly harrowing movies I've ever seen.

There's a need in me that doesn't get satisfied by my every day living. I live a good life, much more than I ever asked for and could dream of. Most of you know that. But I need inspirations, I need jolts and directions, I need to be awakened and brought to life, I need to dream, so I can write, so I learn, remember and find a new way of saying it within my own experiences and crooked words. Movies do that to me, new introductions, new experiences do that to me, the colorful horizon at sunset and the magic of simple living in the land I've never been depicted in scatter pictures do that to me, love does that to me...................

I am back to editing my book and have started to enjoy the work more, by changing some of the texts and adding to the story within each chapter, and the process of addition makes my juices going, so you see it's finding the way that is the solution. I eat strawberries in the morning these days, and a lot more fruits. My body likes that, my body is becoming aware of the limitations of aging and it is trying to find a way to get around it. I love Autumn, its the transition that I enjoy and the layers of clothing. Summers are sometimes too bare and vulgar to me, but hey that's me, and as usually everything is exaggerated, and illuminated. So cover your eyes and walk with me.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:12 PM | Comments (1)

October 09, 2005

Fatima, brooms, and clutter

Cleaning the clutter, brooms, not vacuum cleaner, they are too efficient and noisy, brooms are more romantic, they actually touch the surface they clean, and there is also a sense of caressing the surface which could be therapeutic. we could all use a bit more touching, caressing, and maybe less clutter, so the cleaning tool of the choice will be a broom. Brooms are also more historic. There is more sense of familiarity with them. eh remember Witches, and the brooms, and they are very utilitarian, and at the same time very simple, and have a handle which help a lot, come in different sizes, so they are adjustable, they are not racist, we see them in most slaves houses depicted in books, and most of all they are useful.

I remember in the old days, the home owners in the cities, used to broom the front of their houses and then even pour some water to clean further, and the smell of the dust hanging in the air would get into you. I liked it, the same way I am not turned off with a bit whiff of a skunk, I think there is a interesting dull tinge to it, maybe a bit like coffee. Any way in the old days in the city you could clean the front of your home, the stairs, and most every one used brooms. and afterward you could sit on those stairs and shoot the breeze with some one............... it was nice.

I remember how Fatima used to broom the rugs in the house. she would open the window, and tell us kids to go away while with her body ben, she used to brood the rugs, going with the nap, and then she would pick up all the dust that was raised by the end of the rug. she would make sure the windows would bee open on both side so there would be a nice current taking the dust away. and then she would do the yard, the stone, broaming the dust and pouring it inside the little patches of greens, and after ward she would hose it down with water, it felt like spring, every time Fatima came to clean the house.

And then she would put the large round flat metal container that used to be called Tasht, usually made of tin, or copper, with around sis to eight inches of rise all around its side, making it like a very little round pool. Fatime would put warm water in there and then some kind of soap, and this blue lavender color potion in the water and then she would stair it so it foams and then soaked the dirty clothes in it and washed them, while squatting by the little pool, sometimes for hours. until everything was washed, she then would drench, and squeeze the soap from them, empty the dirt water in the toilet, and pour clean cool water in the Tasht, and rinse the cloth in them, till all the soaps were out and then she would hang them on the band that was stretched across the yard. After ward she would sit in the shade, all sweaty and tired, rubbing her hands while some one would bring her some hot tea with sugar cubes.

They didn't make many colorful shirts those days. Men used to wear mostly white shirts, with a Navy, or gray slacks. so when the shirts got dirty they were easy to see. the rims around the color, the tea stain. so they would be washed with soap and lavender. Most of the picture I see of men in those days, shows them with clean shaven faces and trimmed slim moustaches. their hair short on the side, and a bit more on the top. there was a preciseness to that fashions, a cleanness, not much clutter. but I guess this was all before color TV's and Eve Sain Louren. There was a sparseness about everything, you would not fill the cup to the rim. Men carried handkerchiefs. and there was a nice predictable lines in their flat, not pleaded pants with their narrow bottoms, ending right on top of their polished simple lined shoes.

In the streets you could pass by some one, with enough distance so you could see them, you would not swim within the masses of bodies around you brushing against you so close that there is no space to keep your head at eye level, you have to look up as you walk. There were not many accidental happenings, in any form and shape, I guess we all had more space. no clutters, even the sun used to be brighter, and colors sharper, and more attractive since there would always be some whites around for contrasts, and depth. and you could even hear your own footsteps which could be so reassuring sometimes.

Men looked more mature, maybe the way they dressed. those white pressed cotton shirts, the short hair cuts. but it was also something in their eyes. something more serious, more driven, more hungry. they all had these simple round watches with white screens and pronounced black hands that could easily tell them what the time was, and how to keep time, and be on time. There was a certain etiquette to living, a certain protocol. I think it is the order that I am missing, the discipline, the knowing. you walked in your own shoes and found your own image in the mirrors, morning coffee had one flavor, and of course adding milk was the only temptation.

It is like whenever life becomes too cynical for me, I sit down and watch me a nice old western, maybe with John Wayne, or James Stewart. I usually feel better afterward. remembering things can be much simpler, and there is a definite choice between good and bad and you can recognize them with the colors of their hat. We have so many choices now that our kids are lost, we doubt ourselves so much that we feel lost. analyzing everything to the point of even the placement of our couches in our living rooms, we have so much more, and are left with so much less. and we have lost the sense of association and the satisfaction of knowing how things works and the warm comforting sweat after a hard day of labor. we have been separated, we don't see how the broom pushes the dust and the dirt away, we hear the vacuum cleaner sucking the dirt, there is not as much association. and Fatima pushes the cloth in the washing machine, and pushes the button. and never gets that tea and sits in the shade rubbing her hands. We have been morphed, and visualized, and predicted and become so efficient, and I guess that is good.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:14 PM | Comments (0)

October 06, 2005

It really does not matter

There's a beautiful patch of sky right by the lake as I get home every day. These days it treats me to colorful sunsets. The other day I caught the begining of it as I rolled along the lake, and by the time I was in the middle it had turned to an amazing array of Aqua Blue, and the clouds playfully stiil were lit by the receding oranges and ambers. Somehow I grabbed that scene within my head and kept it there, the purity of the colors were enchanting, and I have kept it there inside my head.

This little passage always have given me heart braking images of lights colors and design. I say hearbreaking, since it's like coming across something that is much much bigger than you, and so overwhelming in its presence, that it breaks you and make you cry, which I have many a times. But that day, I told to myself, Why should anything matter, this life we live is so short and passing that nothing should matter, and everything should be okay. You know it is such a religious experience, when you submit, or may be I should say it is such a spiritual experience being engulfed and taken away. You come to understand a certain revelation, a certain understanding that IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER, and everything would be okay, as long as there are sunrises and sunsets, and I can get to see them and submit to them with a tear in my eyes.

You put the first brick on top of the second one, and then the third, and the fourth, and the walls rise, abstacting your view, giving you a false sense of security. And then you get more stuff within those walls, and you buy windows and then curtains for windows, and then you close the windows with the curtains, and suddenly there is no view, no light, and that fleeting sense of security. Have you noticed there are less walls, and less locks, and bigger windows, and less cements and grid irons, and gates in FREE COUNTRIES. That was one of the first things I notice about America; there are no walls around the houses. I liked that then, and still like it much now.

I think we have to believe that we are connected to this mother earth, and the nature it offers us, and the closer we live within its allowances and offerings, the more we live, not longer we live but the more we live. Birds die in cages, little by little, Men die within walls every day, though they might live a long life, but they live less. We have alientaed ourselves from our core and we wonder why we are dying. Depressions, Dillusions, Deprevity, Agression, Violence, they all have come to us within the walls we created around us and are fed by the angsts of our seprations and alienations.

Take a walk outside, and take a deep breath, and suddenly your whole dispositions change, and you come to realise IT REALLY DOES NOT MATTER.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:26 AM | Comments (0)

October 03, 2005

crashing to less

Well, it was probably a virus. All last week, feeling achy, and weak. Got up Monday night with chills, put on more clothes on and socks, covering myself head to toe, took three Advil. and went back to sleep. I think more than anything, I am physically tired. So I have been sleeping, every chance I get, and last night I told Marjan, that's my new obsession, sleeping, resting, she just shook her head.

The sleeping feels good, the resting, I am calmer now, after a whole week of adv ills, every four hours, full covers, and sweating like a pig as I walked and talked. I feel better today, I just took my first two Advil for today. And no smoking, for the last four days, I do miss the anguish it brought me, but it feels good not filling my lungs with the smoke, and my head feels clear, and calm. Drinking less coffee too. It's like I am de-toxin, and get these gushes every once in a while, but then I let them go away, and they do.

I have to learn to be kinder to myself, yup, it's a learning process, and I have to learn it again before the rules change, I think I will settle for just LIVING for a while, just breathing in and out, and taking less of everything. Maybe even wanting less, I don't know, but it would be so good. to just occupy the space I am supposed to, to talk less, eat less, just less, of every thing. Now if I could do that and want less, and ask for less, and be happy about less. I don't know, but somehow, I end up watching more, and seeing more. Sleep might be a good solution, if I spend more time on the fringes of consciousness, then that might help.

Any way right now, I feel calm, and there is a certain clarity about all this. I don't know about later, but later will take care of itself, I guess. There is a nice pleasing ache in my muscles, and bones, as if I just woke up from a long dream, and it's nice, I could take a nap. Maybe all this has something to do with finishing the book, maybe. I know all last week was about crashing and falling apart. Yet this week, I feel more together, maybe I wont do anything for a while, no editing, no new books, or a play, or a poem. I mean it is not a race and I could do them later, if I was inclined, but for now, maybe I just rest, until I get bored, then I will do it again.

Posted by Idinraha at 01:28 PM | Comments (0)

September 28, 2005

More, much, much more

It is not getting there, it's the trip, the process. I miss the creative part of writing my book. Being engulfed in the whole ideas, characters, every seconds and minutes. It's so satisfying. The editing however does not come easy to me, though its probably the most important and most time consuming. I already have started THE PERSIANS, the book I have been thinking of writing for a long time, but It needs to grow in me, the main idea is there. Same thing happened with DREAMS & ILLUSIONS, I wrote the first paragraph and then stopped, letting it to come to me.

I have also been toying with the idea of making RAPPING LONDON, to a play. I haven't written any plays, but one has to start somewhere. I sent the rough draft of the first scene to Dr, B, and I am waiting for her response. I think there is a lot of room for that poem to grow into. There is so much that one can say within a play. I can expand on the theme and showcase both sides of the argument. I guess we will see.

The part of my writing that is suffering the most these days is the poetry. I have not written much, although I have done a few small ones that are posted in the main body of the site. Choob reviewed THE MOON, and he seems to like it.

I am in a flux, I guess writers, always live in the purgatory any way. The business has picked up and it is satisfying to be a good provider again. I have noticed how my life has changed, and I have done so within it. I am always going home, and I will never get there, that is how it goes, to evolve and take more, digest it and create. The Writing life that I have always yearned for, is a traveling life, a going somewhere all the time kind of life, and I like it.

Seasons changing, I like the intimacy and seclusion of the Autumn. although life goes much more quickly for me in Autumn and winter. My eyes are open and my ears also, I am thirsty and I am hungry for more, much, much more.

Posted by Idinraha at 06:03 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2005

Raping London

Today I recieved my copies of Weston Magazine. On the cover to my delight I found the title to my poem. Inside on page 230, there was my poem. I am delighted. If any of you were interested to recieve a copy, you could call 203-319-0873, and ask them to send you a copy. The magazine is a local magazine which showcases some of the local talents in poetry and fiction.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:28 AM | Comments (1)

September 13, 2005

the fall

Restless soul of mine, it would never be enough time for all your whims. Cherish the wine in the lands you claim, as
you corss the dusted settlements of unseen. Dare to the hights you wish to soar, and remember the descent, the fall, and the grace of belonging. remember the fall.

Posted by Idinraha at 05:49 PM | Comments (0)

Do be do be do......dododododo

-It's not that I am more intelligent than every one else, I just spend more time with the problem. Albert Einstien,

yup, it's the discipline. to sit yourself down and do what you got to do. The other day some one told me that many of our New York Blacks, and Spanish friends are on their way to New Orleanse to get themselves some of that Golden Goose. I am not very cooperative this time, I've had it with our welfare state, wherver I see a donation box for the Victims of the Hurricane, I just hold my nose, and leave. remember we all have paid it forward. The new subject on the air waves these days is if Illegal Aliens that lived in N O should also benefit from the gopvernments generosity. Well there's 51 Billion Dollars worth of it, so I guess everyone should get some.

In LaLa land, aka California, there were two amandments passed last week, one is the same sex marriage, which was defeated by the general votes before. But our represetavies have passed it in the state congress. The Governator has promissed to veto it. there was also a bill passed to give every illegal Aliens a driving lisence, again another refrandom that was defeated at the last election , but now is picked up and approved by our representaives in California.

I think, no, I believe that there should be a test for any one who wants to become a parent. there should be psychlogical tests, and once that gets approved, believe me we wont have any population problems.

I listen to Micheal Savage sometimes going home in the evening. He is a Radio personality, with his program Savage Nation. He believes that Liberalism in the form that is practiced in USA, is a mental disease. I think I agree with him.

Mr, Polansky the famous director that is now making the movie OLIVER TWIST, has asked the Mayor of N O, if he can send his actors to study with all the other victims in N O.

Did you see the picture of Osama Bin Ladin on the cover of NY Times magazine, the Sunday edition, it was written under neath it, IS HE WINNING ?. American media does such a fine job in encouraging and helping our enemies, and is we can accept that the friend of our enemies, is our enemy. Well Hell is too good for them.

They should our good friend, Sean Penn walking in the streets of N O, carrying a pistol. At least he has enough sense to carry7 one.

The new TV series that I have enjoyed so far. -WANTED, on TNT, is a well written, well acted series, worth the watch. Tnight God willing I would watch-HOUSE, Md. on FOX channel at nine, I can't wait to see my regular buncha looney tunes, and the star of the show, Doctor House.

Juctice Brown, a self made Federal Judge, that was forced through the congress and approved for Apallete level would make the best nomenie for the next empty seat on the supreme Court. Not only she is well qualified, she also is an African American Woman. The Democrats would hate us for ever for this one.

It's so interesting to me how the Hurricane in the golf has take Iraq and all our efforts there on the back burner. The estimated cost for the tragedy is over 250 billion dollars. We could have fought two moew wars for that money, and already have taken over Iran, and Syria.

-It's not that I am more intelligent than every one else, I just spend more time with the problem. Albert Einstein,

up, it's the discipline. to sit yourself down and do what you got to do. The other day some one told me that many of our New York Blacks, and Spanish friends are on their way to New Orleans to get themselves some of that Golden Goose. I am not very cooperative this time, I've had it with our welfare state, whoever I see a donation box for the Victims of the Hurricane, I just hold my nose, and leave. remember we all have paid it forward. The new subject on the air waves these days is if Illegal Aliens that lived in New Orleans O should also benefit from the governments generosity. Well there's 51 Billion Dollars worth of it, so I guess everyone should get some.

In La La land, aka California, there were two amandments passed last week, one is the same sex marriage, which was defeated by the general votes before. But our representatives have passed it in the state congress. The Overmaster has promised to veto it. there was also a bill passed to give every illegal Aliens a driving licence, again another referendum that was defeated at the last election , but now is picked up and approved by our representatives in California.

I think, no, I believe that there should be a test for any one who wants to become a parent. there should be psych logical tests, and once that gets approved, believe me we wont have any population problems.

I listen to Michael Savage sometimes going home in the evening. He is a Radio personality, with his program Savage Nation. He believes that Liberalism in the form that is practiced in USA, is a mental disease. I think I agree with him.

Mr, Plank the famous director that is now making the movie OLIVER TWIST, has asked the Mayor of New Orleans O, if he can send his actors to study with all the other victims in MN O.

They should our good friend, Sean Penn walking in the streets of N O, carrying a pistol. At least he has enough sense to carry7 one.

The new TV series that I have enjoyed so far. -WANTED, on TNT, is a well written, well acted series, worth the watch. Tonight God willing I would watch-HOUSE, MD. on FOX channel at nine, I can't wait to see my regular bunch looney tunes, and the star of the show, Doctor House.

Justice Brown, a self made Federal Judge, that was forced through the congress and approved for Epaulette level would make the best nominee for the next empty seat on the supreme Court. Not only she is well qualified, she also is an African American Woman. The Democrats would hate us for ever for this one.

It's so interesting to me how the Hurricane in the golf has take Iraq and all our efforts there on the back burner. The estimated cost for the tragedy is over 250 billion dollars. We could have fought two more wars for that money, and already have taken over Iran, and Syria.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:38 PM | Comments (0)

September 12, 2005

Being there

The book was done last week. And I've already cleaned out chapter one, and added some more. Saturday I started cleaning Chapter two and I'm half way down. I miss writing though. I miss it a lot. Last night I got up around Two thirty, and I had this idea in my head. Writing a short story, called -sleeping ritualls- The voice would be of a sixty years old man. Anyway the main job is still looking me in the eyes. Cleaning Chapter two.

I am interested also to write my life lon g project. The life story of my Maternal Grandfather. It will be a big job though. It probably had to encompass three generations. It is always more fun getting there, and I feel I am losing interest but I've promised so I will go on. Life is good

Posted by Idinraha at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)

September 07, 2005

Getting there

I am drained, bear with me, I know I've been belly aching for a long time. but this is my life, and the way I live it. Today I wrote for almost four hours and finished the book that is within my book. It took a lot out of me, but it was so liberating. I am happy, happy enough to cry. I have one more chapter to write, the ILUSSION, the last chapter. you see we had the DREAMS as the first chapter, then the body of the book that Malcolm had written a long time ago, but in the Illusion Brian would be back to haunt him again.

It would be so deliciously vengefull for Brian and poor Malcolm would feel the same pain he inflicted on Brian,....I say no more. Dr, B as usuall is so very supportive. she tells me she has never been involved in a experience of such magnitude, and it has been thrilling to her. Marjan my wise beautiful wife, just wants me to finish the book and then do whatever I can to publish it. she wants me to be consistant and stay with this till the end.

Any way, I am tired. I wanna go home and rest, see my babys, bask in their love and just relax and tomorrow, if everything goes allright, I will write the illusionsssssssss. LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 05:19 PM | Comments (0)

September 06, 2005

tuesday

Last night we got home, and Marjan had left all the windows open, there was a nice cool breeze inside the house. Before we sleep usually Kiana follows me, making sure all the doors are locked. She didn't like the windows staying open, and I assured her I will close them before I sleep.

Sleeping in our bed, the walking window that leads to the balcony on the west side the house, and the other two windows, were open all night. It felt so nice sleeping on the cool sheets, and having the night air wash over me. Earlu morning Amin crawled in the bed next to me, and found his way in my arms. he is so big now. I'm so glad the summer is about to be over. somehow going back to our routine makes me so very happy. I know you all enjoyed the summer and I'm so happy for you all.

Last night before they fall sleep My kids asked me about the book, and I tried to summerize it for them. They thought it was confusing. I told them once they are grown ups, they could read it, and also explained to them that the site is for them, if they were curious to know about life and times of their father, they have a road map and a place to go.

The last three days I've been back in to writing poetry, and it is very satisfying to me. The style is completely different, I guess I am getting more direct and honest in my poetry. I like the change, and i hope there is certain growth in my work. But you know when you write, or do anything creative, you are so very insecure about it. I guess that is the reason we try harder, and are never satisfied. There always should be more. LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:07 AM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2005

To be incidental

I am exhausted, tired, and on verge of crying, thank god I have no place to do it. Marian and I have this custom that whenever one of us is under pressure, the other one takes him or her to bed. then we hold each other, and cry, it helps. She asked me if I needed to cry when she came back from Seattle, but I said NO, I wish I had.

Just received the reviews from Dr, B on chapters 23, and nth. She is delighted with 23 rd, and likes nth plenty too. I had been feeling lost, since she was away and I hadn't gotten any feed back from her. I am into chapter nth. have about twelve paragraphs, I know where we are going with it, and hopefully within the next chapter we will have a conclusion. then I have to write the last Chapter of the book, ILLUSIONS. which in a way would put everything together, and crumble it, leaving my readers in limbo. I like that.

"it's not easy to be incidental", - memories of me, the movie

Would I ever get to turn on the TV, and see something wonderful, some good news, is that too much to ask. I mean haven't we seen enough accidents, and death, hurricanes, floods, fires, and haven't we gotten desensitized after watching so much of it.

Would TV programmers stoop any lower, with all the reality shows that make fictional movies more real than ever. Don't we have any shame in us any more. I wrote one of my friends the other day, THEY ARE SELLING SOULS OUT THERE. and in a way he told me to snap out of it.

The next six to twelve month will have such an effect on the future of this country. with two vacancies on the bench now, it is so crucial for Republicans to hold on to their guns. and get their nominations through, they have fought hard for it, and the re-election's result have given GWB the right to get his nominees. I hope our puny , yellow belly middle of the road opportunists like HA GEL, Snow, Chaffy, and their leader Mac Cain would not ruin the process. It should be interesting.

" Where are my Shoes, and who called my name, Sohrab. I have to leave tonight, I who have talked from the widest windows with these people, I never heard them realizing the essence of time. nobody has looked taken by the glory of a garden. Nobody's has taken the crows that linger by the farm seriously." - Shrub Sepehry

The loneliness has made me weary, I ache, and accept the silence as it weeds me through and through. Living within my geography, my scenery. walking through these dark walkways, and walking down as I view the clouds within my mind, and the extension of the sky's I will reach I as walk down further. I tell myself it is crucial to take the road, and to get there. to write the last word, on the last paper, and then let them live for the eternity they aspire to. I miss conversation with the ones I know, and I abhor the voices that come through. there should be calmer waters, and the rest that comes when the trip is over and the rapture is gone. Happy traveling Blue soldiers.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:32 PM | Comments (0)

September 04, 2005

digging

"It's so troubling when things don't fit," -Accidental tourist

Some thing never change and some things never fit. Any way Saturday afternoon late, just finished my twenty fourth Chapter of the book, my eyes hurt and i need distraction. Dr, B is amazed of how fast I am writing these Chapters, and she says, I doubt my work since it comes so easy to me. I don't know but hope springs eternal. Marjan and my mother, tell me I should n't put too much in getting published, they don't want me to get disappointed. The two wisest women in my life. I'm sure once many years from now when my Kiana reads the last sentiment she would object. as long as she is concerned her daddy is hers and no one elses.

Someone asked me if any of what I write is biographical. I tolf her No, but you can only write about what you know. when she asked me to clear my answer further. I told her, yes most of what is in the Book, is events I have seen happen, but with fiction you mix, you give each character to some extent the attributes of people you know, or atleast you start with that, and then it's mind buggling how they take you where you want. I have had many chapters that I had not planned to write, but the events happened and in a way got dictated to me, even surprising me. It definitely is a fun process. so satusfying that I do not write as many rants and poetry any more. everything has taken the back seat to this.

One of my people in the store, who has been witness to my sitting and pounding on the lap top, the other day came to my office looking at me. And I told him, I am like a survivor of a shipwreck that is holding on to a piece of wood floating in the ocean, hoping it would save him. He laughed. In a way like many others who ask me once in a while where I am with the book, he is also surprised that I am still at it, and kept the discipline of coming to the office, and writing every day.

When I told my five and a half audiance in the previous life of this site, hat I will be writing a book on the site every day, my idea was to share the whole process with them. I thought they might enjoy it, but we live in the times of sound bite and McNews, peoples attention span is not more than a paragraph or two at times. And yes there is a good posibility that story was not interesting to them, as one of my readers told me that he doesn't read this kinda stuff. But surprisingly he is the only one that has sticked with me, and by7 leaving me comments he is still reading. He hated the sex scenes, but I told him to hang on, and he seems more happy with the chapters that have come after chapter Ten.

Through out this though Dr, B has been my Rock of stability and encouragements, by giving me some of the kindest and most satisfying reviews, and made me feel, That I might have something, and she still does. She has told me that she has never been a part of a big project like this and she is enjoying it, asking for more at the end of each review. and God knows I may end up writing this book for only these two readers of mine. However the underlying sentiment has always been to leave a diary of my every day life for my kids and my wife. i am not sure if Amin would ever be interested in it. Although he does surprise me plenty by the way he keeps track if everything, and showing that he is always under estimated. Kiana on the other hand, I think she would be the heir apparent for my and my writing aspirations.

She is the one who talks always about taking over the site at some point. and asks about the book all the time. The other day marjan read to me the composition she had written for her teacher about her summer vacation. It was written with such confidence and such clear words and sentiment that made both of filled with pride. these days though I do feel very lonely. I do not have any close friends. i get bored mostly with people, I have no patient, I become arrogant and your basic horse's ass. But recently I feel the loneliness more, maybe because I'm preoccupied with the book.

And the characters don't leave me along, I think about them most of the time, what would happen next, where are we going , trying to keep the readers interested and keeping the story logical and seamless.

Some of it might be my age, and the new sensibilities of living in my age group, but I've always been a recluse, and had to create this different persona in me to socialise, I come across jolly, and humoros, and maybe , a bit too strong specially for people how like to stay private and proper. any way, LIFE IS GOOD , and writing life is fun.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:23 AM | Comments (1)

September 01, 2005

My Heart Attack

Every morning, I wait for my heart attack. Hootan says my cholestrol is good, blood pressure's fine. Fat to muscle ratio is very good. but still I have had uncles on both side of the family dying at my age. and I am my fathers seconds son(as they were), the arrogant one. I don't know why, but I wait every morning, and then when it does not show up, I go about the rest of my day reluctantly.

Marjan thinks its the depression sipping in again. she knows me well, but I don't know. And without the heart attack I have to go on, providing for my family, watching not to disappoint my wife further. make sure I have my Jammies on, so my daughter would not be embaressed in front of her friends. I have to play baseball with my son, althought Marjan does not think I am a good male influence on him. I never thoguth I would, but he would find his way, the way I did, the way many do, or don't.

I have to answer to my friend, Mr Spock, why I am wailing again, trying to get attension, maybe I don't know, he is more logical than me, maybe he is right. Sometimes I feel a bit of pain in my left arm, and I think, and then I remember I lifted too much weight yesterday. and I have to finish the book no matter what, the closer I get to the end, the more I stall. Marjan thinks its the lives of my characters in me taking me away, and I tell her I always have many excuse for that. and the characters are oky, and whether I wanted or not they have to go away. Dr, B likes my characters, specially Malcolm, Sara, Choob and now Richard, the dying homosexuall.

Marjan thinks I should think about writing one man plays, or two men stories. she thinks the more characters inside my books and my head, the larger they would make my head. I wonder. But the heart attack could be the savior. These days when I see a customer I want to puke. I want to pull out my penis and pee on them, and tell them to get lost, they had their chance with me and now it's too late.

wow, I feel better now sharing my miseries, thanks, LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 02:40 PM | Comments (1)

Loan

I asked my mother for some money, times are tough, she was pleased and surprised. I had never asked for her car keys when I was a teen.
and even when she had left, or when she had kept her breasts away from my mouth, I had never asked. I had never learned how to.

She met me, outside Lord &Taylor, Kissed me, and asked me to get in. I din't want to, I was there to pick up a check, around $500.00 dollars, enough to by Milk, bread, smokes and gasoline, maybe for a week. She was pleased I was there, my head down, distrought, unhappy, polite, with my smart remaks left way out. She was gracious, she showed me the leash, I accepted. My neck is too big but somehow I made it fit. I don't recieve kindness well. One of my many shortcomings. She asked why I needed the money, I siad it was the kindness I was looking for. I noticed how old she is getting, with traces of dyes in her one time silky black hair. Her skin, still beautiful but sagging around her eyes.I rememberd One of the reason I adore Kiana is that she looks like my mother, at least the one I always remember.

I guess if I had to ask any one, my mother would have the most right to see me humbled, and down. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 02:30 PM | Comments (0)

Once I am done

It would liberate me and may be then I will watch the flowers in the garden, walk in the morning air, and celebrate the rain with a toad.

Once I am done, registering the numbers on the pages, finding a cover,
correcting all the words I misspelled. Once Malcolm find his wings and fly away, fara far away, like a kite that hover over the rooftops.
It would liberate me, I will kiss her agin with no tears, focusin on the scent of her skin, and how pleasure is devine and forgiving. yes
I would set my bed, and sleep on it, for at least hours, woth no coraboration, no findings, I will be free, I will ring the bell, and once I get in, I would seat for another tale and some tea.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:24 PM | Comments (0)

croded arteries

The bitternes in him
has solidified within
his arteries. So the poison
that colors his blood
has croded in his veins.

He smiles more often
not knowing, no intension
it's like his body
has decided to do what
he never did. it would not
Please him if he knew, how
sweet his face looks.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:17 PM | Comments (0)

August 31, 2005

In the trenches

we always say water brings light. and maybe there is purpose when it swells, and pours, claiming the lands. We are so clue less, and so vounerable within the elements of Nature, even our God seems helpless sometimes as we try to make sense of everything around us. Hanging to our latest cell phones, and computers, cutting through Atom's nuclues, searching through embryoes, we strive to reach our Gold like destinatioon within the grasp of our egoes and hopes.

And yet..... we are basicly passengers on this long journey, watching the scenery through the safety of glasses that make us feel seprated and secure. We eat more these days and still feel hungry, we fuck a lot more, trying every possibilities and positions possible and still year for intimacy. we measure, judge and even write mannuals on how to love, not knowing where the secret is , where is the gates, and who is the gatekeeper. Dreams and illusions, trances, allowing us wings to dare where we may, balancing the severity of our livings and lives. and yet we donot know how to measure happiness, how to be greatefull, and how to reach the ease we all strive for.

We purchse stuff, and then we buy some more, we even lease them to pay less, to have more, to show off, and still the emptiness creeps inside, and inside our large house we live with no comfort. we measure our worth, and feel so thrilled of our latest holding, we gamble on Wall street, looking for gold, and as much as we own on golden inked papers we need more. we measure our vulgarity, and perversion and allow each other so much of it. and the cost, its the cost, when you end up at the end of the line holding the bag even your credit reports will not save you.

And there on the day we die, we realise it all has been there to bring us here, to this point as we depart. how fast it left us, how soon we got there, are there choices on how to get there. Did we live our lives to the fullest, and what if we did not. where is the redemption, the salvation and absolution. the hands we kissed, the bows we took, the love we made, all and all crystalised in the blind dark depth of the void. yes you did live your life.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:38 PM | Comments (1)

August 24, 2005

The Writing life

I' ve been writing for over two hours, and I think I am burning oil, smoke comes out of my ears and my head hurts, it is not a head ache, it just hurts. My wife asked me today, how many chapters of the book I have written and I told her I am in chapter Seventeen, she said woopie, three more chapters and you will be done. I said no honey, at least eight to ten more chapters and I might be done, and even afterward the whole process of rewriting would be ahead of me which might take even longer. She looked at me disappointed.

She thinks I have changed and I tell her what else is new. She thinks once the book is done I will be the same man, and I told her, which ones of the same man you have lived with in the last nineteen years she wants back. She thinks I am hopeless. I know I am. She does not know that I have already thought about two more senarios for two more books, and I am talking to a local theatre group who is looking for an original play, promissing them that I could write one for them.
I also have the monthly article to write for Weston Magezine about rugs. I already have submitted the first one for October.

Walkin in my elements, floating, happy that my big head is cooperating, and my fingers are running with such a thrill on the key board. And in my head the characters come to visit, they talk to me we discuss further plots, no, I can not say that, they always do surprise me once I sit down to write. Dr, B is surprised by the turn of the events in the book, and happy about it, she could not have guessed, and I like that, in a way I am surprised too, and I could not have guessed them. The last few chapters are becoming longer. Originally we had estimated, two hundred pages for the book, but I am sure it would be more. you know they come up with new things, I mean CHOOb has had a dominant present in the last seven chapters, and he is still around. we have a new character Edmond, who is a transvestite, studying Philosophy at NYU during the day, and turning tricks at nights. Dr, B thinks we could have more of him and he is so interesti8ng that I think we could.

She also thinks that my chapter's endings could be expanded, and I agree with her, so what ever the pages come to there would also be another thirty pages in addition. I tell you, it is not easy, but its lotsa fun.

The kids are growing, changing, getting taller, it is like my two little beauties are gone and two new ones have replaced them, and it is all right, it just means that I have to adjust to them, to the new habbits and of course after living with me for almost twenty years their mother could adjust even to the weather on Mars. God bless her the woman should be set for sainthood.

two nights ago, laying in bed with my son and daughter, they asked me to ask them general knowledge questions, they way I used to. I agreed, and pulled out some of my thoughest questions, and without missing a beat, they answered 99 percent correct. I was delighted.

Amin is having a hard time with his out of place erections. he gets embaresed trying to hide them and My wife told me I should tell him what to do, and where to place it. I had to think, at my age one does not remember those glourious days. So I talked to him and suggested pulling it up and placing it under the elastic part of his underwear, so it would not zooom out. He listened, laughed and said okay daddy. if any of you guys know of a better method, I am willing to listen.
My wife was complaining the other night that she is losing her little boy, as he is getting bigger and taller. I told her, she should buckle up, and anticipate Our daughter's flight, our son is the quiet one, but our daugher, she is the star.

Last night sitting in the family room with them, I told them that if they wanted ever to smoke I will love to buy them their first pak, or if they wanted to drink, that would be on me too, and as long as they do what ever they wanted to do, in our own home, we would be allright with it. Bring your friends home, and get a free condom. My wife gave me the look on that one but she was supportive. Parenthood should come with owner's mannual.

Business still sucks, big time, I am holding with the skin of my teeth, that should make my dentist happy. But I tell myself the worst is over usually fall and winter are kinder to us in our business.
So LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:33 PM | Comments (3)

August 18, 2005

an extended climax

Yes, yes that is what I said, after I finished chapter thirteen to my assistant. This is like an extended climax, and there is so much satisfaction in it. He looked at me and shook hois head. telling me he should write a book about spending so much of his life with a man man like me. Well that's an idea.

I am happy to inform you, that My beloved wife and children are back. and LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN. I didn't know how much I missed them until I saw them again. I kissed them and the house was home again. Last night I slept between my two beauties and they hanged on to me, and ressurected me, bringing life back to me. I am not wollowing in self pity anymore. Business still sucks, but hey it's okay. I have been around a long time and I know everything changes, just have to be patient.

Mrs, Cindy Shihan, it is so hard to know how she feels, I can not precieve it, and it should never happen to any parents. But what she is doing is dishonoring the most important thing in her life, her son.
Her family has disowned her for her actions. Her husband is divorcing her, but she would always have MOVE ON.COM, untill the next victum comes around. What is so interesting is how the demcrats have kept away from her, far, far away. They do not want to be assosiated with any Anti war movement, specially with mid term elections around the corner. And when Mrs, Shihan realises how she is degrading her sont memory, and demoralising our soldiers out there, I hope it wont be too late.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:12 PM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2005

Sanity, chees puffs, chocolate, and Law&Order

It took me a while to do it, it had driven me crazy. but I took one of the maqgezines in the office and waited patiently, my firts few attempts failed. I had to watch it and learn which direction it took as it slipped out and flow away. At last I understood that the magezine shoud be on top with its direction facing its head, it flew forward as it slipped out, so Wack, I got it, it was a small victory, which did make me happy until there was a replacement for it, doing exactly the same thing the first one was doing to annoy me.

I should not watch myself, you see if you worry about your actions and look for some signs of trouble, the actions itself becomes the trouble, so you have to let go. step out of your head, and dont try to watch yourself. no, just allow the movements and thoughts to roll as they do naturally. althought there is this silence in my head, yes in my head, not outside of it. like there is a man sitting on the chair inside my head,watching quietly, and all it has brought by himself is the silence. So get on with little pleasures. as human beings we need little pleasures to make us feel happy, like we are getting our share and there is a balance. Chocolate is fine, so is cheese puffs, Kit Kats, why not, if it helps the situation. Watching naked women, God I am slipping, but it would be okay, this is self medicating I remind myself, just coaping. What about reading a good book, ah, no patience for that, I am not ready for complex thinking, just give me animalistic urges and lets satisfay them slowly, it will kill time and soon there would be dark, maybe Diet pepsi. Yes last time I tried it I like the taste.

The electricity was gone yesterday by four PM, due to severe thunder storms, and rain. I sat in the store for a few more minutes, as much as having to deal with another extra hour at my empty home was unpleasant, sitting in the store with no electricity was worse. So I left. Fuck the customers I thought, nobody is gonna show up in this wheather any way. AS I left I felt like the Captain leaving its ship as it was sinking, maybe I should have stayed one mor hour, that would have felt better, since we close at Five anyway on Sundays. But I left, got myself to Wall Mart, my favorite store. A bag of Cheese puffs, for a $ one dollar, God how could that be, a large bag of M&M's with peanuts, I like the crunchy feel of it. and a bag of assorted KITKATS, and a large bottle of Diet Pepsi, yes that would be heaven. I notice I was not enjoying my own company, being in the crowd, and felt the silence in my head. I only feel it when I don't hear myself talking for a long time. I paid the automatic cashier. it did talk to me but I could not answer it, so I paid and was happy my new advanture only cost me about Seven Dollars, I would have looked at some of the T shirts but, I was tired and had to go home. Some how home feels the safest place to be in. on the way I tried to pick up my new bottle of the generic shit they are giving me instead of Paxil, but the Farmacy was closed, more angst for me, no Paxil for a day. I had to wait till tomorrow.

In the back of my head I was happy I had excersised extra hard in the morning, and it probably had made enough saratonin, that a day without Paxil would be Okay. Got home, and thank God the house was cool. The last two days I have developed a new habbit, once I get home I take all my close off, and walk around the house naked. why, I do not know, it just feels comfortable, then I rememberd how my mother used to tell me about crazy people that usually tear out their cloth, so I put on a T-shirt, giving myself a bit of distance.

Did you know there are Channels that even at Four in the afternoon show some episode of Law and Order, that made me so happy, watching Law&Order, munching on Cheese puffs, and M&Ms, wow, the Tv's noise made me not to think, and that was good. two hours later Julia called asking If I would like to go over her house for dinner, I was so full of the junk food I had that I declined, although Pasta sounded so very good. Mt wife called and by the time I found the phone it got discounnected, I called her, and the first thing she asked was why am I breathing so heavy, I explained I was running around, looking for the phone. She asked if I had a guest over the house. I told her I wished.

I got an Email from my teacher Dr,B. She is back from her vacation. and she had gotten the news of my poems being published, and she was so excited that she had tears in her eyes, she wrote. that was the high light of the evening. I wrote her back,and thanked her. then got another Email from another good, interesting friend, the subject matter was fun, I wrote her back, and back to another episode of Law&order.

I finsihed the evening feeling bloated and satisfied. There is a new series on TNT, WANTED, I like it, so that was the last show i watched. Then I did my prayers, and went upstairs, read some Magezine and then fell sleep.Knowing I would see Elvis's face on the day he died in the mirror tomorrow, promissed myself not to look and then I thought WShat the Fuck, and went to sleep.

This morning I walked to the Gym feeling so tired. one of my friends asked me what was wrong, I just grawled at her. she got the message. I managed to excersize for an hour, got to the store felling better. And wrote more on chaqpter Twelve, i wrote a very nice scene with Malcolm looking at himself in the mirror and enjoyed it a lot. I got me some beef lomein for launch, and watched LOST IN TRANSACTION again. Some how the subject matter of a middle aged men being away from his wife and kids felt very close. Although i know I would have felt better if I had someone like Scarlette Johanson walk in on me.

You know I could feel with the guy and his angst, being with this beautiful much younger girl, and not allowing yourself to do anything. I like getting older, and Bill Murry plays the man so beautifuly. One has to have certain respect for beautifull things that one would come across, and I know that somehow just feeling that you are wanted and you can do it, is satisfying enough that you don't have to do it. believe me it feels much better.

i know tonight I will get my colorfull drems back, with the shapes that burst and converge in each other. I got my pills this morning and took an addititonal five milligram so I would get the kick. hohoho, cheap thrills. I have ten more paragraph to write for the chapter Twelve, so I better get busy. LIfe SUCKS,...BIG TIME.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:06 PM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2005

Talking to myself

I have started talking to myself now. Last night my precious Kiana called. She is missing her daddy something bad. I had been proud of myself(why I don't know), that I had not cried since they left, but she cried over the phone, and soon so did I. Why does our heart ache when we are seprated from our loved ones. What is the mechanic behind it. I mean we are made of flesh and bones, how do emotions get in this and why they do to us what they do.

I wanna have a sky in blue, dark blue with velvety texture and stars spread all over it, shining in their icy glow. I want little prince on that far planet to stay with his rose, and never leave. I want fox and snake to go back to his planet with him. It would be a bit crowded but, I had the best times of my life in small quarters living close to the ones I love. Loneliness is so eternal, so extended, there are no voices, no sparkling eyes and kind words. I know we ar born alone nd die alone, but in between we get a chance to become domesticated to acquire a taste for belonging and every day ceremonies.

I watched BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS again and half a way through it I found my main chracter for my next book, Bart, yeah another writer looking for inspiration but this one will do something about. How good it would have been if I could write ten hours a day. It is not easy usually every two hours you need a break. If I am at work, I get interrupted every half an hour.

It was late she had to go. we were sitting in her car. We had not said much yet, but we knew, when you want you know. It was raining outside and we had been sitting in the car for a while. "why can't we just take this road and go" ? she said. Knowing that she had said much more than she intended to. I looked at her, I was not ready, one had to be patient, they are stages to this, steps, and you have to take them one by one. and she had slid dwon the railing and wanted me to catch up. I did not know what to say, I politely shook her hand not acknowledging what she had said, and said Good by. Sometimes I think we are still sitting there, she and I and I am still looking for the words, extending my hand, not knowing if I should stay or leave.

"you can not hold a wild animal, you can't make them stay, and you always do that."Holly said to Doc. we have a very nice poem by Attar, the perisn poet. He compalins about his eyes and heart, for whatever his eyes see, his heart wants. At the end he decides to find a dagger and blind himself, so at least his heart is set free.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:05 PM | Comments (0)

August 12, 2005

jav talking

I think the loneliness is getting to me. This morning I got up and my stomack was in a knot. I got ready and left the house by Seven. I told myself excersize will do me good, so forty five minutes on the cross country Machine, fifteen minutes of Boxing, and another half an hour of lifting. I was done. but still feeling a pressure on my chest, not being able to breath easy. Again I told myself its the heavy excersize and get over it. took a shower and got to the store by nine thirty.

Dr B, is away and I am not getting any feed back from her. I am not sure I am on the right track with the story, and I think I am rushing it a bit, but I have to wait untill she comes back, and let me know what she thinks. I am a bit discouraged, and puzzled about where I am going with the story, I have the out line, I know where we shave to end up, but how to get there, i have to choose. It used to be so clear to me even a few days ago but I think the pressure is getting to me. Business sucks BIG TIME, and I feel tired and helpless, but I have to get over it. I know once I start putting the characters together they will save the day, but I am not inspired.

isn't it sobbering to feel how we need our own support system so much. Just the every day allowance we get and you get it so regularly that you don't think much of it, because it is there, and then when it goes away, you feel something is missing. In a way it is a good experience too. It allows me the knowing that how far I can take this, Am I stron g enough, have I grown to be independent of everything around me, I do not know but I guess we will see.

Saw a great movie yesterday LOVE ME IF YOU DARE, very dark subject matter , but I could identify with the obseesive feelings of the characters, with their longing and helplesness. If you deny the truth in your life it would bite you in the ass. It was a dark love story, no sacharin, showing it as it it. love burns, you just have to enjoy the pain otherwise it is not for you, no, no haert shaped chocolate goodies no sentimental sensibilities, Love as naked and raw it could be. I always get back to this poit. The cost of everything, and your readyness to accept and pay it. Catch the movie, but don't expect sugar coated sentiments, it is cynical and raw.

there are a few good movies coming. CONSTANT GARDNER, based on John Le carr's book with Ray Finnes. Nobody but nobody can show case pain the way he does. have you seen English patient, or one better, the END OF AFFAIR. If you ever had an affair, if you ever fell in love at the wrong time in your life, you will identify with it, but if you have not it might look toodark and obsessive to you. There is another movie, that is painfully enjoyable DAMAGE, huh thats a good one, with Jeremy Iron at his best. He is so good, I don't know if you have seen LOLITA, the new revision of it, with Jeremy Iron, it is a tough movie too watch, it shows how obsession and love can corrupt and it shows even at the depth of its despai how we always try, and try harder to get back what we have lost-- Our own self, and the piece that comes with the recognition it needs to keep you sane.

Posted by Idinraha at 09:41 AM | Comments (2)

August 11, 2005

good news

Well I am happy to announce that Weston Magezine, which is a regional magaezine in Fairfield county, has accepted to publish my poem RAPING LONDON , in its next issue. I recieved a very nice call from the magezine's Editor. She complimented me for my work and said she would be interested to see more of my work. I gave her the password for the site and asked her to feel free to examine my other works.

She also told me, that the title of the poem will be placed on the cover of the magezine with my name Idinraha. right beneath Arthue Miller's name.-- Isn't that a kick in the head. I am elated and so very happy, and could not keep the smile away from my face.

Last night i tried to broil some steak for myself, got the steak ready and tried to turn on the stove. And no success. I called my wife, and she guided me step by step and I was succesfull in following her. The steak ended up over cooked, and tasteless. I threw
it out , and had some of my son's breakfast wuffles.

Choob is in. I am happy also totell you, that last night I started chapter eleven of the book and as I had told you we do have a new character, called CHOOB, completely based on My dear friend, and guardian Cyrus, he knows that and has given me permission to do this as long as I stay within my boundries. We will see about that. he would be the most sane character in the book, and having him would balance all the agony angst and missbehavior we have seen at the first ten chapters. Dr, B is away so I have been writing the last three chapters without any input from her, walking the rope without the net. I am sure she will be pleased by the volume of my writing.

I am in limbo, trying to pass the time, and the days can not end for me quick enough. I do not go anywhere at nights, although Julia was nice enough to invite me over for dinner two nights ago, and I had a wonderfull home cooked food, and was greatfull for it. Somehow I am more comfortable staying home.

I have been coaxed to do this so bear with me, How am I doing emotionally, actually much better than last time. Somehow I do not, allow myself to thin, keeping myself busy. The house is empty, and there was a time that I could not be left alone in an empty house. But Iam doing it. I don't know how people live alone, I guess we are creatures of habit, we get used to anything. Kiana my little Star, has left me messages every where I go. In the draw that I leave my keys, watch and ring. On the TV screen, in the bedroom. and usually she is the one that runs to me every night when I get home, so I do not look at the hallway after I get in thehouse, i just take my cloth off put them on the chair and go straight to the family room.

Falling sleep is difficult, I think about the book, and where we are going with my characters, plans for the next scene, or somethign, and then its morning, and I am happy that I could flee the house, and go to the Gym. It is easier during the day, since I am used to being by myself, and keep busy. But I can tell you, I am living without my soul these days. those three own my soul, and somehow they have taken it with them. I live by my instincts. I eat, drink, walk, go, and comeback, and basically these two weeks I do not live, I just exsist.
and once they are back LIFE WILL BE GOOD AGAIN. but at this point this is not my life.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:50 AM | Comments (2)

August 09, 2005

Loneliness and Urges

I have found living by myselkf could be dangerous to my life. I am not talking emotionaly, I will not go there yet, but physically, last night I was stuck with a water downed spagetti, and a piece of Veal Parmagan that tasted like chewing on leather, I chew well as you know but there was no way to get it cut to pieces.

The first night I was alone, I thought okay a good size Pizza and some beer would distract me enough to pass the hours and go to sleep. I ordered a large delux, what a mistake. You see I usually do not eat Pizza, maybe sometimes I get a bite of plain Pizza while my kids or eating, or sneak out to the kitchen without my wife watching me and get a bite of the left over crust.

I had My beer, took the whole pie to the family room and sat on the floor right across from Tv. The first piece was okay,mouth watering with the cheese and all the variety of the meat on the topping, I felt hungry and coureges enough, to go for the second. drinking my beer feeling okay, but half the way trough the second bite, the tinge of the oils from the meats, and the cheese had gotten to me, I swigged anoer gulp from my Beer rying to wash the taste down but in a minute, I was at the toilet losing my Pizza, so much for that.

I put the rest of the pie in the refrigarator, my cash fllow not allowing me to dump it in the garbage, thinking well if I only eat one piece a night it would carry me trough at least a few nights. My mouth tasted horrible, even after I used the mouthwash. I went upstairs and found the cookies that my wife hides from me under the bed, brought a few down, made some tea and was carefull not to have too many. God they make the cookies so sweet this days, and there is no flavor to them, all you taste is the sugar, but the tea settled my stomck.

Watched two hours of Law and order, felt a bit compromised not doing anything, went to the computer and wrote a few paragraphs of the book. I felt more worthy after hat, watched some more movies, checked the flight scheduall to see when they would reach there. The flight had two hours delay, I could not stay awake till Three. so I did my prayers, anoher thing I do to feel worthy. after ward I took a shower and went to sleep.

I am excersizing a lot harder these days, I need my body to be as tired as I could, so finding sleep would not be difficult. It is my third day leaving by myself, and I have been already trough fifteen can of beers. This morning I looked at my puffy face, looking like Elvis on the day he died, and promised myself not to eat any more Junk foods. My right eye is not coaperating these days I noticed, pushing furher to the side and as much as I am trying to get used to it, I don't like it. So I did some eye excersize, and felt better about it afterward.

I think my savior emotionally is the book, it accupies a lot of my time and it is going well, I am finishing chapter nine, and still very amazed at how it is coming along, how the characters lead me and make me a part of the lives they have lived.

It has been so important for me also these days to set the parameters of my living without my every day support of my wife and kids. To walk the fine line, and stay within the geogrophy of what has been left of my Sanity, cleaning after myself even more than I am used to, and keeping the house as well as I was trusted to. The woods are fetching and I miss my trespasses, but with no "direction home" left to me, I would not dare, I am not brave and I need to stay put more than ever for all that is so very valuable to me.

Its amazing to me, how soulless I am at my most animalistic urges. I put it as the fact of my gender, the carelessnes that comes to us men once we realised how extended( even superior, you know we can stand out!" we are within physical attributes of our gender and how so deliciously we can submit to our urges. I hear the man in me the needy echoes of my flesh,"Of course, of course you could, and why not who will know, call her, invite her over it would be so delicious in its danger, and the sordid expectations that would come with it, go to a bar find the loneliest girl you could fine, use all your charm, and bring her home, it would do you good, it would inspire ( a good excuse for creative writers) you, and nobody would know, do not be choosy , do not expect too much, just feed me, remember how exciting is the new beginings, the delicious anticipation of discovering the lines, and thetexture of a new body, the scent of it, remember,.....................................", and that is when my softer side comes to help ferrociously," just remeber everything has a cost, and nobody might not find out, but you would know, and you know how you become your worst enemy, remember guilt, you don' do well with guilt, remember the heavy weight of crossing everything that you expect from yourself,, and all thise pills , not as a man but, the genderless part of you, the best part of you, just remember there always is a cost, remember the last time, nobody knew then but you did and let's see , yes it took you three years of therapy and all those pills, do not go there, do not open that door".

And at times like that, as degrading and Juvenile, Masturbation has become, the cumbersome effort of finding a sence of arousal alone by yourself , even the ever croaded arteries which make the mechanics of it harder to reach than ever, and the void, the emptiness after
ward, would look more appetizing than ever, so you promise your gender happy side, " not now, maybe later, another time, I am not ready, no full course meal to satisfy your hunger, just be happy for fantasies, the late night shows, and all they bring you, after all you are a married middle aged man, so sit back and enjoy all you can get, I only could afford, $3.95 and all the pleasers that you could buy with that". And then you reason with yourself that it is only Natural, it is practiced widely by most married men by now tired of asking for it, and we all, all of us middle aged married men do get to submit to it, and play together in unison all over this land most every night. Some how the urges go away, and that bit of pleasure that is left in your head, that morsel of left over fantasies, would ease your tension and help you sleep.

The next day, you feel batter writing a poem, maybe another chapter of the book, though the allure of sin, the creamy soft fleshed head less stranger with thick thighs and full body, the one that always hunt you is prancing still some where in you Subconscious mind, playing hide and seek, waiting for a return.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:31 AM | Comments (6)

August 03, 2005

Writers

God is a writer, I am pretty sure of that, I mean to imagine all he has and create it, it definitely takes an active imagination, and such fine discipline, and to some extent a fgreat appetite to create.

Only a good writer would take the time, and come up with such detailed characters, in their physical attributes, their difference, the whole idea of Genders, and how they come to complete each other.
and then coming up with their psyche, their imges of themselve, and all around them, the set up, the scenes, and how generous she has been in her allowances for her charachters, making them capable of loving, desires, gets even more complex with subconscious, the conscious and its hold on them, how they wish, they dream, and all the possibilities in their realations, how they relate to each other, and even love and procreate, such fertile mind, such glorious vision, the knowing, and all of her, from her, the creation. and then she gets the chance to sit and watch them, every life a complete story, and so many of them the pleasure of creating that by itself goes beyound any realm of logic and reason that we are capable of in our feeble minds. WOW

Yes Bliss on tap, yes, just the little me and all the joy i get from writing my little story, and how much pleasure she is capable of, the word Heaven seems more clear now. If emotions are her domain the richness within her, of all we feel, since she created them, longings, loving, missing, calmness, Euphoria,ecstasy, wow, and having the know how to come up with them all. And sadness that I am sure has engulfed her seeing all her senses, emotions in her characters, the lives that they live, their birth, their growth, their lives, loves, rages, and ignorance, all and all.

It is no wonder that such arrogance comes to us the ones that write, as we dare to the vast unknowns of creations, to the artist of all levels, how it makes us feel mighty and alive. How we feel a better hold in our understandings, our creations, how we live with them within them, and pay the cost, it is a godly trait, it does go beyound as it comes to life within us. the writers.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:30 AM | Comments (0)

August 02, 2005

Captains log, Day two

As we are going inside the real of imagination, to go where many has ventured before and have come back with less of themselves, for there is always a cost.

I am anxious, the book is going good, and I have been writing at least two hours daily. i feel my writing is more together and seamless in the last three chapter, maybe because the scenes are more intimate which appels more to my style of writing. It has been such a learning experience, and there is some confidence in me now, knowing how good or bad the result I have had the courage and the discipline to take a stab at it. He told me long time ago, that I did have a choice to get out of it, not knowing, by writing about the task, I had made it impossible for myself not. I think, maybe not the style of writing, or the story, but the volume of the writing has surprised him.

It is not that the jest of the writing or the essence of it is just to impress him, but in some ways being able to feel worthy of the effort that many has taken to bring me here, and their trust and promise in me. Again I might finish the book, and never get to publish it, but it would be my book, warts an all, and so very dear to me, for I have experienced it by the hours that I have put in it, no matter how deliciously enjoyable those hours have been.

I remember when i was going to school, and working in the store, although we did not have much to live on, I always knew that I had to finish what I started it. Many of my friends under the same situation did give up, but I got there by the skin of my teeth.

" you will have all the times in the world to finish your book, while we are away", she told me, in a way she is excited for me, the other day she said "if you finish your book, I could tell every one when I am asked, that my husband is a writer.".

Flirting with the girls at the coffee shop makes me feel like a dirty old man, but in a way, it sustains me, I do not know why it matters so much, to recieve those looks, the fliricious stares, but some of it might be to fill a certain sense of vanity, of being still recognised, they say men cheat on their wives cause they are afraid of dying, I say, I flirt so I could still be in the game, play, like a kid that I was used to. Playing is important to any one of us psychologically, going trough life with worries and respomsobolities, playiong allows us a certain release. Ido get myself in some thight situations, by flirting and being shameless, but so far i have been able to be happy at that and be able to flee when i have to , keeping my virtue, and in many ways my respect for myself intact.

Captain's log, heh, in a way we are all taking that trip within all live, going toward the black hole of death, and it is all the discoveries thaqt keeps us on oujr toes, the discoveries within our psyche and the imperessions it takes from the world we live in. captain Kirk symbolises all the humanity in us, all our urges, fears, and desire, and Spock, is our logic, our conscious, and they both come quite handy when we need them against all the aliens we see in our search. It is that simple.

today my experience of the life I live is of a Forty six years old man, with some gray hair, not much, a very grayed beard, still flirting with life and its possibilities. and trying very hard to fit within the logic of his time, while not depriving his creative side.

She worries about me, she worries about leaving me alone, at eight she has much better understanding of human emotions and sensibilities that many women I know, i hope I deserve her, i hope she would be proud of me, and understand my short comings," i will miss you", she says," no you wont, you should not, there is so much for you tosee once there, and you know i will be here once you come back, so go, and have fun", I say. and I am curious how I will react, how I will survive, but I know I will.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:51 PM | Comments (2)

July 31, 2005

Last Sermon

Well, I am closing down this site to outside viewers. My experience for the last seven month has shown me that although Blogs are a wonderfull medium, specially if you have a direction and agenda, it is not the best venue for me, my thoughts and sensibilities.

Actually the thought behind this site was to make it a safe place for my poems, nothing else. Through out the last seven month it evolved to more of a diary of my thoughts, feelings, and my view of the world we live in. It was fun to recieve comments and try to reach others. But at this point after what I have seen happen in here, I think, I am not the right person for the sensibilities of this medium.

AS my friends say I basically do not give a shit, and I really dont. I live the life of a recluse, and do not allow many people inside the sanctuary I live in. And what happened here has reminded me why I live the way I do, and I think I am due to return to where I started.

I am my own man, and has lived my ife so I do not have to put up or answer to any one, and when it comes down to it, I know that most of the readers here do not have the sensibilities to enjoy or understand my poetry. So, I will close the doors, It was fun for a while, but...
Of course my two dear friends still would have access to this site, Cyrus, and Fereydoon, and I will continue with posting poetry and rants and finishing the book. I think the new privacy would allow me an even more intimate, and closer look within who I am and the life I live. Again I like to emphesize that this is a wonderfull medium and I am the one who is not suited for it. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 07:38 PM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2005

life in the slow lane

well, it is so hot here, and usually around times like this we here a lot about the environment and green house effect. My wife and her brothers, gave a party over our house last saturday, the occasion was their parents FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY. The guys supplied the funds, Marjan cooked, and Julia took care of the appetizers and the desert. We had over fourty guests, and as usuall my glorious wife, had arranged everything in advance, and the party was a great success.

The next day Marjan called me at the store, she was crying, she had recieved a phone call from her father, thanking her, telling her how proud he is of all the things Marjan has accomplished in her life, and the person she has become. The emotions that had come trough made her cry. My father in law is a very interesting man, one of the smartest people I know, he is Seventy eight, and not as active as his children like him to be, and Marjan worries about him. I guess we are all at that age when we have to deal with our loved ones mortality. Some of us probably has already, I guess nothing gets you ready for it, and only the promise of the lives we live and have to attend to help usw to some extent. I know Cyrus is having his father over his house for a week.

I had met Cyrus' father in Iran, a handsome tall man with wide shoulders and a very fit physic, who had become a lawyer but did not enjoy the practice of law, and then became a Doctor, famous amongst us for not accepting any money from his patients that were poor, and setting up his practice at a poorer part of the town, he was very well respected in the community I remember whenever we talked to him, he would focus so intensly to listen to you, that his eyes widened, that was his trade mark. I am sure he would have a grand ol time staying with Cyrus.

Julia, my sister in-law, has left me a very kind comment on my poem RAPING LONDON, I do appricite that she is brave enough to read it and leave such kind comments. not emotionally and intelligently inept like the rest of the readers here.

I just got the new issue of the Magezine DISCOVERY, and read it cover to cover, there are great issues in it, in particular about a new research on Authisim, So I do recomend you getting it. I saw the movie
THE DOOR IN THE FLOOR, and enjoyed it immensly, also THE MUSIC FROM ANOTHER ROMM, which I watched for the third time, a romantic heartfelt caper, so if you get a chance try them.

Fereydoon comes up with contrevercial, and interesting topics on LIVELIFE, his lates on LOVE MAKING, and SEX has been very interesting, and widely discussed. so do check it out. Cyrus also had posted a nude picture of himself on CYCHOBABBLE.com. I am happy to report that he still got it, defying gravity on all fronts. so enjoy your summer, and remember LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:02 AM | Comments (2)

July 27, 2005

Jav talking

I had the pleasure of talking to Cyrus yesterday. You see in my daily life I rarely call anybody. I do not have any new male friends, well maybe Mehdi, since he worked with me for a while, and we became close, I call him RUSPUTIN OF Iran, and although he lives in San Fransisco now, I believe at some point he will become a part of Iran's political future. He is a young man, very well read for his age, and has programs on Iranian Tv TAMASHA, discussing the Iranian politics in leanght. I do call him once in a while. but beside him I am a recluse, happy to focus my energy on my Family, and only socialize while I am excersizing in the Gym with my Hommies.

I also call Liisa, or at least used to, I used to date LIISA when I was Sixteen and she was Fifteen in Iran, through out the years we have managed to keep in touch, and keep our friendship, but her Fobia
about joining me on my site, and her becoming a more elite personality
have forced me to stop that relationship also for now. So It was very nice to hear Cyrus's voice, I had asked him to call me but My feelings for him has not changed although I have not seen him in maybe twenty five years, to my dismay, and had lost connection since he is still so much taken by his Love for his wife of almost thirty years that he does not have any time for any one else.

Since I found him again through LIISA, and he was gracious and generous enough to make this site for me, we talk more though mostly by Email, and the comments we leave for each other on our sites. But even now once on the phone it still feels like what we had so long ago in Iran, although he is more protective of his privacy which he should be dealing with a shameless prode like me. We talked for a long time, and though I am always cautious with his time, and try to be short, this time he was the one that kept the conversation going and only left after I tried to pry within certain subjects. I did enjoy the call, and felt so good afterward, I like him so much that I am toying with the idea of paying him a homage in my book by giving him a small part, and I did ask him if it was okay with him and he obliged.

I also told him to his dismay that if I was a girl and met him that long ago, I would have never let go of him, and he devilishly mentioned I would have been too ugly for his taste. I am hoping that at some point if he agrees to it to go and visit him next year, it would be good appourtunity since the other constant man in my life,
My dear Fereydoon also lives close to Cyrus. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 09:57 AM | Comments (6)

July 25, 2005

Flirting with Summer

I know it has been quiet here, the summer extending over our lives, full of long hours, day lights, humidity,heat, and mostly fun. It would have been better, if we only could let go of the twenty four hours News Channels, and went on News Fasting. Life is cruel out there in the world, people are killed and blown up unxpectedly while moving within daily destinations, evil rules, and idealogs are still dictating their misguided will on the rest of us.

I have swam a bit more in our pool, and spent a day on the water with people who love me and care for me, I have watched my kids and their cousins, fleshing out within their frames, changing, growing, Kiana still amases me with the depth of her knowing, and the exuberant promise of her young life. Amin cradles me in his innocence and his wide eyed reaction to everything that is happening within his peubesnt thoughts and bones. Marjan kisses me more these days, and sustains me more with her love, and her amazing ability of navigating our lives to safer harbors. My hair is longer now, I look like an unkempt bed, scaruffy, and aloof. as I stand in my station and observe all I can, taking it in, within the reality of my days and the ever present emergence of my day dreams. Summer is so boundless in its vast extention of its hours and offers such unknown expectations to me. It is easier for me to curl within the solitary allowance of Fall or hybernation of winter, but I know in time I will find my summers and bask in its warmth and expectations with my lovelies.

The book is going in full blast, Dr, B's encouragement has made me feel more confident in my flights of fancy. My characters still surprise me with the lives they live and dictate to me as I pry further within their realm. It is funny, how they have become parts of my life and how I do feel so very much for them. But the writing has been so fulfilling for me, that I already have in my mind the next projects after this one finishes( Dr B thinks that is the sign of a true writer). I am so taken by Malcolm's innocence, Sophie's defiance, Brians zest for life and Sara's dominance within the story, all damaged , all trying to make sense of the lives they have been offered and its allowances.

I have enjoyed movies this summer, Batman is a wonderfully well made movie, I laughed my heart out at Wedding Crashers, and enjoyed the chemistry of the leads in Mr, and Mrs Smith. The whimzical exuberant of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, and the heights it aspires to in style and acting.

The beer has been good, and the tinge of Vodke sek, still takes me, The liqoures, always tasty, and the food I have been offered at Akram, Farnaz or Julie's house or their boat, heavenly. I am enjoying my little sandwiches of Bread, cheese, tomatoes and Basils. Amin still gives me the best hugs and kisses me on my lips, Kiana takes me with her new choreographies and the ease of her movements when she dances, and going to sleep next to my love Marjan with her face the last image of the day, and again the first every morning, her elegance, her sensebilities, and how she takes care of us all sustains me.

I am so proud of the poem I wrote-- RAPING LONDON--, although I did not get any comments on it by me emotionally impotent readers. But it is written, it is good of the subjets it covers and I do like it very much.

Watching the girls in summer dresses has always been good to me, the bare mid riffs, and bare arms, thighs and legs, beautifull faces,all and all, and as I am aging it becomes more a very important source of many aspirations and day dreams. I am flirting with life as much as I can do and living my life in another summer. LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:59 AM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2005

How I am getting to like summers

The first gulp of beer, as it burst in your mouth,the sour tinge of it,and the first drag of my cigar in the morning, biting into an over size ripe peach, seizing the sweet nectar of it in your mouth as its jucies drips from the sides of your mouth, the taste of coffee in the morning, as it sips inside you, waking you up. I like walking in my short lose pants and large T shirts by the shore as the breeze messes up my hair, and the sun warms my skin, the water finds me and takes me, soothing in me all, the sound of the ocean,the scents of summer, napping on the deck of the boat, as it sways with waves gently, or standing up as the water rushes by the sides, and te boat roars up to dive back in, the solemn simpicities of the sunset, the quiet depth of its descent, as colors merge and bleed, and submits it all to the deep void of the dark, the slap of the water against the salty boards of the boat, clapping in rythms and the sound of the segals as they stand midair and dive in.......... Summer is so easy, in its vast palats of its colors, and the lazyness of its hours, the hase of beer in long neck bottles, and afte all these years I think I am coming to aliking for summers.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:21 PM | Comments (1)

July 14, 2005

If London's Terrorists were home-grown, will British stoisim be enough ?

When will Liberal British wake up to the reality of the Terrorism ? An article published by weekly standard on 7/13 2005

Posted by Idinraha at 03:00 PM | Comments (0)

The mother of all connections

From the new article that will be published on July 18,2005 by
Weekly Standard

Posted by Idinraha at 02:54 PM | Comments (0)

The one who guides me

It is their golden frocks that scares me, their Jackets of many colors, it is the oppoulance of their state that frightens me, their oiled hair, and sweet scents they spew. For the man who guides me would not be happy with coats of many colors, and would not sit comfortably on gilded benches.

He who guides me would glow within the simplisity of a cotton cloth and would sit beside me on God's earth with no hesitation and he smells the soil that has been his begining. His throne is made of God's attributes within the solace of its nature, and the cloth that he wears have no traces of pockets since all he owns in not outside him but within the frame he carries. He would smell of my brothers that live within the breath of masses, and all the scents of living.
His hands would bare no lotions and wears, but the calessus of his hard work of the life he lives. He would share the morsels of my givings to sustain him, and talks in soft words of love and givings, and thus he claims me with his simplicity.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:26 PM | Comments (0)

A Prayer

Sophia's Prayer

" I have been apart and I have lost my way. The Archons have taken my vision. At times I am filled with thee, but often I am blind to thy presence when all I see is this world of form. My ignorance and blindness are all I have to offer but these I give to thee, holding back nothing. And in my hours of darkness when I am not even sure there is thou hearing my call, I still call to thee with all my heart.
Hear the cry of my voice, clamoring from this desert, for my soul is parched and my heart can hardly stand this longing.....

Jesus answers

" They say I came for all, but in truth I came for her who came for all. For it came to pass that there were those who hadlost their way and lacking in spark, could not return to the Father, and seeing this
she came unto them, giving her life to the depths of the matter. And in truth she did suffer and became blind. But our Father, sensing her anguish, sent me forth, being of him, so she might see and we be as one again. Though they see it not it is she, the tender Mother of Mercy, who is the great redeemer.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:11 PM | Comments (0)

How I see it

Well it has been over sixth month that I have had this blog and have posted poetry, rant and parts of my book in it. I have recieved close to a thousand comments from my readers,and contrary to what my main man Cyrus had told me, I am not tired of it.

It in many ways has helped me to a better understanding of the world I live in, it has brought me new friends, it has forced me to be more diciplined in my writings and vent out some of my frustrations with this society the its political system and also the world as it is. i am greatfull for that.

It also has allowed me to get exposed to the whole internet, or Web society. It is a large comunity here, of all different people with different sensibilities. Some are generous and daring enough to allow others to get exposed to them and their way of lifes, and some are here just for certain agendas. Recently one of my friends asked me to check a site she frequents, and recomended it for the depth of the discessions and its views. I did log in and left my site address and email so I could recieve a password, but it never came. Well some people like to stay to their way of life and not be distracted and in doing so they have less tolerance for others of the opposite view.

I have also invited other poets that I meet on Poets.com, who were interested in my poetry, but once they saw my rants they have refused to be a part of this and that is okay. To many it is surprising that some one with my sensibilities, and aspiring poet and writer would also hold the political and social views that I do. Well beside my aspiration and to many extent much more important than them, I am a husband and a father that runs his own business and lives ina real world. I am worried with the uphevel in this world, and also the direction of the society I live in.

I learned my politics, as a first generation immigrant living here by
listening to Ronald Reagan, and I could say that I am a Reagan Conservative. I do believe in being a functional part of this society, and feel responsible for my actions as an individual. To some extent I also believe Jon Paul Sarter's veiw of each individuall is not only responsible for himself but also for every other human beings that inhabits this planet. I do not believe in wellfare states, or Government instiutions getting any more involved in our daily lives and its directions.

After what happened at 9/11, I also accept the necasetity of Patriot Act to protect us from the enemy within and outside the country. I am for much more control of the borders, against allowing the illegal immigrants getting Drivers Lisence, and I think Mr Bush has not done his job very well when it comes to Illegal Aliens. I believe in American Millitary, and respect all the men and women that are giving so much to protect us. I believe in negotiation but from the point of
power, and not appeasement. And I do not have any tollerance for parties that belly ache about our prestige in the world, or counsulting with other countries when it comes to our ways of life, and security. I abhore the Hollywood Holigans and their shameless grandstanding, force feeding us their values and deviations.

I think if I were a black man and woman, I would be insulted by Quotes, and would regard it as an insult to my race and individual abilities. And although I am a Muslim by birth, and have all the physical features of the men from my part of the world, I encourage Racial Profiling since I am aware of the enexpected growth of terrorism cells and their tireless efforts in recruting new misguided youth in Europe and United States.

Through out my rants all of you to some extent have viewed my ideas and opinions about my politics, and social values. But in view of recent actvities I have seen on this blog I thouhg I might have to say it again and in a more clear form. I am also proud that I have never refused to post the oppsing views that many of you have left me, my thinking has always been that no idealogy or an opinion is hundred percent right and a fair balance diologue is always nesaccery for any discussion. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 11:03 AM | Comments (0)

July 12, 2005

Shrink Lady and Tom Cruise

Why hasn't SHRINK LADY written any thing about Mr Cruise's latest effort in generating publicity by attacking PSYCHIOATRY?

Posted by Idinraha at 11:16 AM | Comments (0)

Hillary special at KFC

You get Too large tighs, two small breasts, and an entire left wing !
Isn't that special /

Posted by Idinraha at 11:13 AM | Comments (0)

Fifty Billion Dollars, and G8 Summit

Well thanks to our beloved Leaders at G8 Summit, we get to do it again.

We would allocate Fifty Billion Dollars and give it to the corrupt leaders of African countries, they would embazzel most of them, but they get to spend the money in Western Europe, and America buyiing houses and whores, the african masses will die of hunger, and we still would have a cause celeb to rally the Hollywood holegans to run aid concerst, and our beloved leaders to get to gether and do it agaion, all in the name of humanity, and Status quoe.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:07 AM | Comments (1)

The inquiery mind wants to know.

Would we ever get to axcept the KHALIFS in our lives, and get a NIEMAN MARCUS catelogue, with the lates fashion of Turbans on the cover.

Do Indian Women wear any thing under their Sarries, and if they do not how much fun would it be to unwrapp that gift.

Do popes ever have wet dreams, and how do they deal with it.

Does the Iranian new president really think he is in charge.

When Elton John was writing the lyrics to THE BITCH IS BACK, was he promissing us something or it was a threat.

Does Katie holms know what she is getting into, and wouldn't she like to call, Nichole, and Mimi, and ask a few questions.

Would Cyrus ever be unselfish enough to write that book, HOW TO BE A GOOD MAN, GOOD LOVER, A GOOD FRIEND AND A HUSBAND. and start his own
social movement of CYRUSISM.

If they happen to be in the same bed and they get the urge to do it again for the sake of good old time which one would be on top, Hillary or Bill, and what Hillary would take to get her in mood, Viagra or Cyalis.

Why can't we casterate the sex offenders after heir first crime, saving ourselves money in pills and the cost of rehabilitating them
in the process.

I was watching the movie Angola, about the Maximum security Jail in Lousiana, which is the host of most dangerous criminals. The guards families and the service people that work in the Jail, about 1400 of them, inhibit an area right by the jail with their husbands and wives and children. They belive they live in the safest area in United States. Why hasn't any reakl states interpenures have started developing the closets lots in those areas, putting houses for sale and make a KILLING in the process?, It does seem logical.

What has happened to Deepak Chopra, he has been last seen coming out of a plastic surgeon's office with bandages and Hair die products. at 60 yeares of age the man has the blackest hai I have ever seen.

Are we really sure about the differences between bad and good since we don't see any more black and white movies.

What happens to Female Martyrs, if they are not Lesbians, it does not seem fair.

Which one is your favorite, John Wayne, or Jerry Lewis.

Don't you think for at least one day a year, the whole congress should cross dress, and so should the president and his cabinet, it would be a hoot, we might get to see more CATFIGHT.

Isn't Bomb explosions a sexuall turn on for Bin Luden, and cant we just imagine he is just trying to have a happy marriage and sexuall life.

Shouldn't I finish this rant and go back to scratching my balls.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:39 AM | Comments (2)

July in prospective, the art of scraching your balls

In our Industry July and August are the nightmare month, the stores are quiet, people are travelling or they are at the shores and golf
fields. You sit all day scratching your balls.

Today I walked in the store, and to my delight the AC does not work, at over 60% humidity, and 90 degrees tempreture, I think I will enjoy this day imensly. There is a lo oin on around the world, The London bombing, and this morning there has been four explosions in Spain. Liberal Europe is awakening to the reality of Terrorism, and with over twenty five million Moslems through out Europe, there should be many active Terrorist cells getting activated.

This will have a tremendous economical cost for Europe, beside the cost of lives. The European Tourist industry will definitely suffer, and the normalcy and safety of living their lives will be jeopredised.

This will not subside, in his latest message Bin Laden had asked the Iraqi Jihadist to export their bombing to outside Iraq on International stages, and with united states a bit harder to hit, Europe seems to be the natural choice. Not untill Europeans realise that their liberal thinking, and tollerance will be their downfall, Europe will survive this. They have to get off their high horses and fight this one hand by hand, teeth by teeth, and they have to adjust theiur bloaded moralitys so they can fight terrorist at their own level. Remember if you are dead your liberties and human rights does not matter.

Mayor of London tried to appease to terrorists by justifying that terrorists have been a fact of british people since the victorian era. At times like this we do need men like Churchil to fight for their cause at any cost untill victory. Unfortunately Europe is filled with more Chamberlin appeasers than Churchils. Not untill they close down every Mosque, which are the haven of terrorists through out Europe, not untill they profile every Forigners will they be able to resolve their problem. I am sure in due time France and Germany would get their share of Terror, and terrorism also.

Funny things one of the first reports coming From Europe by Roiter was " The Moslems are in FEAR OF BACK LASH ", how could we do that to them, there has not been any back lash so far, but how could we make it for them to even fear a backlash. We are better than them so we just have to Grin and bear it. Mayor of London also was very cool headed as he mentioned that we did expect this to happen, and we have acted very fast and efficient in dealing with it !

How do I deal with all this as a man brought up a Moslem ? I do not know. These days I try very hard to work on my connection to God only, and have come to accept that religion is a man made deviation set to manipulate the masses, and tto many extent Mellhs and religious people are the appoutunist Rock stars of this theatre. The Islam I have in my heart does not encourage killing innocent people in the name of God, the Islam I know is a religion of peace and harmony, of love and understanding, the Islam I know has not been ever practiced by these barbarian savages.

At some point Untied Staes also has to get to the main source of this mayhem, Saudi Arabia, the snake we have in our house. They are the biggest supporters and expoters of Terrorism. They have been successfull to make theri problem ours, and still reign in their Evil Empire. The progress in Iraq if allowed by the terrorist outside and the terrorist inside our country (Liberals and Democrats), will allow us less dependence on Saudis, and maybe then we will get to deal with
Godless evil doers.

Well now I have to go back, sweat a bi mopre, complain a bit more and
since there is no sign of any customers I get to scartch my balls a bit more.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:01 AM | Comments (0)

July 09, 2005

Winston, where are you ?

"You ask, what is our policy? I will say to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and all strength that God can give us..
that is our policy. YOU ask whats is our aim? I can answer with one word: Victory--Victory at all cost, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road maybe; for without victory there is no survival."

-Winston Churchill, first speech as prime minister to the house of Commons, May 13, 1940

Posted by Idinraha at 10:16 AM | Comments (0)

July 08, 2005

Mahmood khan at 84

My mother called me the other day, and we talked about most everything. My mother is 65, a very youthfull 65, she is still beautifull. When i started this site, my7 first rant was about her, and her influence on me for my love of books and writing. Mahmood khan my grandfather got my mother married at the age of fifteen, and Mahmood khan himself had been married at age sixteen to my grandmother who is one year younger than him. ( keep your math straight, you'll need it). They had my mother when Mahmood khan was nineteen, and my grandmother eighteen,( you still with me), so by the time my mother married my father she was fifteen, my father twenty eight, and Mahmood khan thirty four.

My mother told in the conversation that she had recieved a telephone call from her father, Mahmood Khan, and he had told her how he misses her, remembering when she was fourteen with beautifull long Black hair, and how he wishes he could turn back time and be able to caress her young daughter's hair, and then he started to cry. My mother had a lot to tell him, but she could not, since he was so shaken and was crying. But it was surprising to her that a man at Mahmood khan's age of Eighty Four, after all these years, without ever trying to get close to any of his nine daughters and three sons, suddenly has realised what he has missed. Well my mother could not bring herself to say it, but I would, A bit late grandpa, a bit late.

Well writing about my Grandfather's life has been always on my mind, I even wrote about sixty pages at one point and then Amin was born and I lost any passion for it. God willing if I ever get to finish the book I am writting now, I might take another stab at it. As the first born of an old aflent family in Iran, and blessed by very good looks and high style, Mahmood khan has lived a very interesting life, and I think I have to, I definitely do have to write a book about him.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:31 PM | Comments (1)

July 07, 2005

Sightseeing in London

Download file

Posted by Idinraha at 04:01 PM | Comments (0)

Notes to Each Other..........By Hugh Prather

Perhaps your birthday should remind me of how we
once were and how much older we have become.
But it speaks softly to me of today. Today your
face is a more wellcome sight. Your touch more
affecting, from years of proven friendship. As a
great river deepens its bed, love has etched your
hands and face, and today you walk in true beauty.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:57 AM | Comments (0)

July 06, 2005

Bulletin......read all about it

Contrary to rumores going around, and for the sake of friend who have called asking me, or congratulated me , I do have to announce:

MARJAN IS NOT PREGNANT.

As I had mentioned it, before Internet, people never used to learn how to listen, and after internet, people pass trough comments and rants so fast they do not read. i know some of you are worried with our Wedding Anniversary, coming up, I know we have a well known track record, but we do stay away and sleep in different rooms on our Anniverrsay nigvht. Thanks for your concern.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:39 AM | Comments (3)

Notes To Each Other............by Hugh Prather

Issues over diet, TV, and Video games are tearing apart many potentially excellent parental teams, and all in the name of
What is "best" for the child !

The greatest gift we can give our children is our willingness
to work through our problems. And if the outcome is a child who beleives in possibility of Love, who can calculate the effect?

Posted by Idinraha at 10:56 AM | Comments (0)

Guess the Title

Boyle sighed. Then he said cautiosly, " But I guess they are not many people in Washington capable of understanding a progressive social policy."

Well we have a new addition here, Cyrus our Puzzle make might enjoy it, so doea any one know what book contains that quote. Please no gogelling.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:48 AM | Comments (1)

July 05, 2005

The TRUTH

who are you ?, and maybe more iteresting is to ask, what is your TRUTH. outside of the covers of social behavior, and what we are thouhgt, tell me about your TRUTH. does what belive in governs our behavior or our TRUTH. If we annouced God is dead, and anything goes, what effect does that have on your being. Does it change you, do you become different, Are you able to lie, and cheat and kill, steal, and without the gaurantees of Heaven an Hell, would you metamorphis to anything beyound your TRUTH.

I was watching a documentry about the jews that immigrated to Shanghai, China around 1941. Their lives, their swurvival. and one of the men that lived in that period in China, told us about the person who ran their lives ther and his atrosities, and how the survivor had made a pack with himself to kill the guy upon the change of the regim.
The Americans took the harbor, and the person in chrge was left in prison, so our survivor and a few friends caught him and were set to kill him. To their surprise they were not able to and let him go. They had the appourtunity, but it was not in them to kill another human being, they could not do it. Could you

If you know no one is watching would you steal, cheat, or as they say if you could getaway with it would you. if it is not in you, if it is not part of who you are and your TRUTH, you would not. so where is the fairness in that, is it by nature or nurture that we become who we are. do you learn goodness, do you learn love, kindness, do you.

Marjan had just gotten pregnant and in the mist of a new promotion in her job, and becoming the principal of a new venture. It could bring us more money, and more prestige for her at work. When a friend suggested that she should hide it, get the new promotion, and once moved to the new job and taken control of it she should announce it. It sounded pratical, it sounded okay, but for Marjan it was not right, she did not do that, the next day she told her boss, and agreed to step down giving the job to someone else. They did not do that, she got the promotion, and although she had said firmly that after the birth of our child she would not work again, they choose to keep her as long as they could. It was not within her Truth to lie.

We do lose a lot denying our truth, and will never survive going against it, and that is the Truth.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:16 PM | Comments (1)

Happy Birthday America

Fourth of July, Marjan's favorite Holliday. Usually everybody will come over our house, but this year, we were invited to Fafar's house for his son Danny's birthday. Amir and Julia had invited us to spend the day with them on their boat, but Marjan had promissed to go to Fafar's house.

I woke up about six thirty, hanged around the house a bit and went back to sleep. Amin woke me up about 10 O'clock, they do not see daddy at home at such hours so he wanted me up to play with him. Once down stairs Kiana joined us and my beautiful wife had already gotten me my coffee from Dunkin Donut.

Iwent out soon to the backyard, the weather was beautiful and the sun warm, and soon all four of us were swimming in the pool, Amin was a silly as ever, and Kiana showing off her latest moves, I swam, and enjoyed the cool water, we played for a while and then Marjan served us lunch, that woman does spoil all of us to our delight.

Cheeseburger with tomatoes and Scallions was the lunch, which I chewed slowly, while talking to my beauties and then I had a beer which settle me in my resting state further. I laid down for a short afternoon nap, and then took a shower, as Kiana had persisted we all were red white and blue, showing off our petriotism, and head down to Fafar's house.

Once there we were greeted by Clause, Fafar's husband, and the only German man that I know, he is always kind and hospitable, and soon I had another beer in my hand and was munching on appetisers. After the rest of the guests showed up we moved down outside to the pattio, and their garden in the back, sat at the table, Munched on more goodies and talked. the kids played in the yard, and at some point Ray, Mojgan's hasbund brought to our attention that how all the kids were wearing red, white and blue. we talked poloitcs as Ray and I always end up doing, but this time we were in agreement more than usuall. then was more laughter, jokes, and as the sun was leaving on the west we had dinner of stakes, Hot dogs hamburgers, and even some Iranian rice dish, then it was to cakes for the birthday boy and desert for adults, some coffee, and by ten O,clock we left Fafar's house.

Fafar and marjan have been friends since primary school, and they talk a few times a day usually, her sisters Mojgan, Shahrzad and their husbands all leave a few minutes from each other, and they have always invited us for Chrismass, new years eve, birthdays, and they have such a warm and lovely family that we enjoy their compony a lot.

I drove back my beqauties home and enjoyed the ride, while all three of them were sleeping and I was listening to my favorite Jazz station and in my head still thinking about Malcolm, Sophie and their adventures.

This mornign I could not wait to get to the Gym, and started my routine with one hour of eleptical machine, and forty five minutes of heavy lifting. Today I am on diet of plenty of water, fruits and dry cereal, trying to give my system a break and get back to my girlish figure. God Bless America, it has become a haven to my family and I and the best place to live on this earth. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 01:51 PM | Comments (0)

July 03, 2005

Simple things

Oh My electronic Friends, it is so good to have you, so good not to meet you and still know of you, with traces you leave, the comments you dare, just pure magic of thoughts not filtered by how you look, what you do, just thoughts, reasons, emotions, and all their hieghts and lows.

She dared to take another layer, of her own will, standing by the window, as we looked and she stayed since it was safe, the distance the privilage of lack of physical reach, allowed us a glimps, as she opened her skull, brought the light closer and let us see within the grey mass, across all the biology of its reach where it strted and where it fled, the fusion and the light as they carried her inside her head, and how beautifull it looked, and no one cared how she looked, if her hair and nails were done, or who she was, it was all about the transparancy of her light and the reach of her fusions, the configeration of her alphabets, and the wonder of her words, all and all majestic and so so intelligently erotic.

have I done enough to celebrate this day, this singular passage of time, as minute as its existance might be within the life of this universe, and the consciousness of it breath. Did I reach high enough, did I talk in kindness, was truth the guide, and did I add to the harmony of this day by my existance, Have I done enough .....

what does have this resless soul to bring me again, where would it lead me, and is it awarte of my limited movements, my chains, my locked doors, the barriers that exist betweem urges and reality of obligations. How , how would I reason with it, in what tongue, what logic, for it wants what it wants, and I can not abide by its urges, and i can not break his mended heart. I draw the line, I set the parameters, every night and by morning he has pushed them further, where I can not dare. It does not fit me, it does not fit the reality of my bones and flesh and skin, it asks for so much, it needs.......
and I try to reason, I try......

the door is not locked, the shoes are left on the side, and the walls are coming in closer and closer, and I need to find the shoes, and learn the logics of doors and enterance and exits, I have to find the knob, I have to climb the walls, I have to break in and out, I need to go..........

The simple things, oh the pleasure of simple things where did I leave you, the simple life, away from the crowded artery of these hallways and rooms, the quiet gestures, the smiles of joy in morsels of times,
the uncomlicated reaching, of "Hello's", and "where have been", and "I miss you, where are you". sitting at the wooden table and sharing bread with cheese and sweet tea, or a warm soup with dried bread, or maybe just a gulp of water and some sympathy....... sitting together, within the arms you know and just sitting side byside and allowing the time to pass you by, while you bask in the glow of your being together, the simlpe passage of time, the simple life.........

Posted by Idinraha at 03:25 PM | Comments (3)

World as I see it

How do you see yourself, what is your perception of you. and does your perception ages as you do or evolves in further growth.

Isn't Tom Cruise pethatic in his attempt at PR, I think at least in his feeble mind he is aging more rapidly than he expected, and he is scared. He is doing his scienthology more disservice by exposing his philosphical ideas, and being as cinycal as he is, he does live a paranoid life.

It seems to me after two years of war Democrats still are clueless in their understanding of the world we live in, or if they do understand they are so power thirsty that they would sacrifice our safety and any vision of peace in the world for their misguided aspirations.

Well my friends I think we should encourage our kids to study Chineese if they can as a second language. I had always though that what we are doing in Afghanistan has also have a lot to do with our fear of the growth of the new super power in the world China, and on its heels India. We need to streanghten our hold in Asia, and help create new Democracies in the region that would become our future allies. China is also quietly begining to make heavy investment in American componies UNICAL, and looking to further its hold within South America. The new treaty that is going to be signed by countries
in AMERICAN CONTINENT, north and south is trying to keep china out. It is a necassety for us to realise the Super power status that China would claim in the next thirty years, and find ways to keep abreast of it and stay competitive. India also has become more disiplined as a nation, and the growth of scientific research, in Medical, and software technologies would soon make it another power to reckon with.

I believe that the balance of power in the next Thirty years would change drasticaly, to the detrement of EUropean Countries and Russia, and to the benefit of China and India. The world is changing and it is bringing new promises, and new challanges for us domesticaly and internationaly. American Industries have tried to coup with this phenomenon by Investing more in China and India and trying to find a foothold to allow them to learn from them. and to influence their ways of life. One of the best road maps for us to understand this evolution is the book " World is flat", and I have been trying hard to recomend it to my friends here and outside these pages.

A unified Europe has been pretty much dismissed by the recent votes within the countries that occupy that continent. The fragile economy of Europe ( not England), the high unemployment and rise of the Nationalism would never allow for that dream to come to fruitation. and individuall countries in Europe by themselves would not be able to compete in the new order of the world. Russia has been difragmented, and Putin lacks the vision to understand that Russia needs to lead the other countries in the region to unify them with new economical treatied trough Democratic means. Putin is still a communist in hear and still using the old tactics of old USSR to dominate the region. This would not work further diminishing the regions balance and power to keep them as a super power and allow them any influence in the new order.

The Lybia's surrender of persuing nucliar power, The new rise of freedom and democracy in Lebanon. Syrian peoples new thirst for free elected officials, and the rise of negotiation in Isreal and Palestanians for peace, has all been some of the new progress that Americas war on terror, deposing of Sadam, and creating a new constitution and government has brought to that region. By calling George Bushes vision of democracy and free nations only a reach to dominate Oil supplies, the Democrats only showcase their lack of understanding of the new order in the world. Mr Bush would be Judged by History for Afghanistan, Iraq, and also for what he brings to supreme court with his nomination of more concervative Judges. He has been able to influence the new order of the world internationally and he will be influencing our ways of lives domestically for a long time.
He will be regarded as the most active and inflentional President in the recent History.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:06 AM | Comments (0)

July 02, 2005

Marjan

I met my wife Marjan by accident. Ninteen years ago, I was busy showing rugs in my store, and suddenly I felt a shock, when I turned, I saw her in white top and white Capri pants passing by me, hand in hand with her brother, I saw her back, the dark wavy hair, and her elegant walk, I did not know he was her brother, So I thought to myself that lucky guy.

Soon I was finished and my father had sent for me to join him and his Iranian guests in the office, I went upstairs, and there I met Marjan's parents, and her brother, and for the first time i saw her beaitiful face, and I was done for. I was happy to hear that the guy was her brother Amir, and I was chrmed by her mothers easy effectinate ways, and her father's old world manners.

It was Love at first sight, for both of us, then my father told me how he knew Akram, my mother in law's father from Iran, and they were there to buy a rug for Marjan. They asked me to take her down stairs, and show her some silk rugs, which I did. I was shy, and it was obvious in my manners, before they left Akram asked me how old I was, Twenty Seven I answered, and then she asked me about my education and I said MBA. Somehow I knew she liked me.

Going home that night with my dad, He asked me how I liked Marjan, and I said very much, but please dad do not try to do anything, I had a feeling that there was no need since in my heart I knew she was the one. I always say that i met her and then did not let go, I went and sat by their house untill they agreed to let me in. Anyway we had a whirlwind romance, of course with the permision and super vision of her family. My mother asked her mother If I could call her, and her mother said that Marjan was only Seventeen, but it was okay to call, so I did, and we talked, soon after her mother invited me to their house for dinner, and I said I would come but since they were so far away, I had to stay over night, and she okayed it.

That night we had dinner, I have always been shy but for good reasons, I was so brave that night, it was like I had come to claim something that was mine, and of course the way Akram accepted me made it easier for me. after dinner they left us alone, and everybody went to sleep. Marjan did not look Seventeen her manner, her grace, the way she carried herself was far more mature. We talked and I asked her if she would marry me ?. She was shocked of how daring and impatient I was, and said, well, i will be Eighteen by September, why dont we get engaged then and then maybe in a year we would get married. I would not have any of that. I pulled My Agate ring out of my fingfer, and said, No, I want us to be married by the end of summer, and she should tell me right then and there is she would be my wife. she was taken back, but she said YES, I gave her the ring, and since it was too big for her, she put it in a gold chain neckless she was wearing.

The next morning, her brothers had left for work, and Marjan went ot her college, she was finishing her first year of college. I told Akram, i would go driving around the town, and be back by noon, since Marjan would be back by then. I cruised around the town passing time, and on my way back home, I found a Florist and bought five dozen roses, in all different colors. When I got home, Marjan was back, but so was her older brother Amir, I had seen his car in the drive way so I did not bring the roses up, i was embaressed. I found Akram and told her I got roses for Marjan but I did not want to give it to her in front of Amir. I asked her if she would ask me loudly so Marjan and Amir could hear " Javad why dont you bring the roses I asked you to buy upstairs", she smiled and said okay, why don't you go ahead and get the rose. Once I was in the middle of the stair, she said loudly, " Marjan come her, Javad has gotten you Roses", so i brought the roses up, and the cat somehow was out of the bag.

We had three ceremonies in united States and Two in Iran, since Marjan's father had gone back already before. We had an engagement party in Sheraton Hotel with 150 attendence, family and friends,in April, then we had the religious ceremony at home with mostly family
and some friends, on August 16, and on August 23rd we had the ceremony at Sheraton Hotel woth over 300 friends and families and business assosiates in attendence. For us it was the summer of love, and by the end of it we were married and living together.

We have had our share of Joy and pain in our marriage, we both have grown and learned a lot from each other. Our love is till alive, and our children are the fruits of our union, I know marrying her was the best thing I ever did in my life, and having her aorund in sickness and health has always been a blessing to me.

This Morning leaving the house, she was talking to me about how she had enjoyed having David around for the last two weeks, and how she missed him since his parents were back and he was back at his own house. There was a smile on her face and a tear in her eye, and I was standing there basking on her generous feelings, loving her more than ever, she still takes me.

Posted by Idinraha at 09:53 AM | Comments (2)

July 01, 2005

she goes on

Even as a kid I enjoyed sewing, polishing my shoes, or Ironing my clothe, there was something so rewarding and the quiteness and the calm it brought me, the focus on the task that librated me from any other interruptions, self made or otherwise. I know of a famous writer that always took the chore of washing dishes at his parties, for the quiet solitude of it.

There is a scene in the movie -about last night- that is very dear to me, the movie itself is not much to bragg about, except its offering of its actres's youthfull unaltered nude body (Demi More), but the scene that does take me is when after they move in together, and their passion is satisfied to some extent, how quietly she does her chores, fixing the bed, the laundry, cleaning, and the serenity and the satisfaction she gains by doing it. I love that, and I get to see that in Marjan as I watch her managing her house, the chores, and the satisfaction and pride that comes to her. last night we got to bed early, and laid down to talk a bit, soon Kiana was there with us losing herself in my arms, and surprisingly Amin joined us to laying down in his mothers arms, as she caressed his hair, and kissed him.

The night befor I left Iran I was nervous and could not sleep, the reality of leaving had hit me, and the fact that I would be without my parents, the security of your parents home, the security of their attention, the place you had lived for such a while, I got up early, walking around the house, and stopped by my parents bed room door, they were awake, talking in bed, and I stayed and listened as i often did, not knowing that i would never be back there. leaving for ever, like a little death of the life I had lived, and passing to a new Journey, a new land, and a life I had never known.

Sally has parted, passing into her new Journey, of a state of being she has never known before, but the house she has left, and the habitants of it still would have her there, right in the mist of the livings, all she has left, the doors half open, the book half read, the plans that will never be, and still she would be walking the hallways, cheking on her beloveds at midnite, caress her sons hair, and even may try the bed for another nap, a quiet rest, living in a paralel reality, and still so much of her here, so lets take our glasses and toast to a life lived, though shorter than expected but still a gift to her and every one that loved her, she goes on.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:12 PM | Comments (3)

thoughts droppings

What you are will never changes,
and Who you are will never stop changing.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:08 PM | Comments (0)

June 30, 2005

Q&A with I&P

I; will you cover yourself please
P; does my nudity scares you, or entices you
I; Well this a formal talk, but you know it's okay, somehow it helps our dialogue.
P; I am happy to help
I; So why this line of work ?
P: Why not, somebody has to do it, and I like working on my back
I; Aren't you afraid of the dangers of it
P; Well usually I am in control, I dont do more than one at a time
I; What brought you to this, poverty, rape, sexuall abuse
P; No sugar those are excuses so you could feel not guilty about what you do, it somehow helps your working class values, blaming something you know, no I was not raped, abused, or was poor, we all make choices
and I am hoping not to do this for long
I; you all say that, but you usually get bugged down in it
P; Nobody knows, but I think this is a more honest or i could say most honest way to earn a living. the buyer sees what they buy, and usually they leave happy
I; That is a very simplistic way of looking at it
P; I know but, as women we all have the privilage, and as long as there is demand we get to supply
I; How does it effect you inside, how do you feel when you are all by yourself, it should have some psychological side effects
P; Well everything has a cost, maybe I cry a little, have to take more showers, and scryb my skin till its raw, reality never goes down easy, neither does cum
I; rather visuall I say
P; get over it suga, we are all prostitutes, we all serv somebody, we all sell what we can, have you watched TV lately, no that makes me feel filthy. maybe you should talk to senators and congressmen, the lobbyists, the ladies in Hollywood, at least I kiss my customers before..........and they all leave me happy.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:59 PM | Comments (0)

Kianaraha

Well watch out publishing world here she comes. Recently one of my friends sent me an Email, telling me how her Twelve years old daughter has a Blog now, and is writing a book on her blog, asking me to visit and leave comments. I did, she is so good and so accomplished in her aspiration that I was speechless,she definitely has it and writing comes naturally to her. For the longest time,Kiana has been asking me if she could have her own Blog, and i was resisting it, but seeing my friends daughter's Blog, i asked Kiana to visit her site, and if ahe liked I would make her a blog of her own.

Yesterday we accomplished that task, and she was looking for a name for her on line persona, I suggested KIANARAHA, and she loved it, the name of her site is "Kianaraha and stars", and she is going to try to post rants in it everyday. My beautifull wise wife, Marjan was not sure that having a blog at age Eight would be a good idea, but I assured her that I will supervise it and she accepted my reasoning.

So maybe in a while after she has found her way around her new blog, I would give you my friends its adress and ask you to visit, Kianaraha and the stars. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 12:44 PM | Comments (3)

A day in the country

I left the store yesterday around twelve, somehow writing the book, has made me daydream a lot these days, its like living in a different reality, but you have to know your way back, to leave the pen and the paper, turn around and go back, to where love comes easy, and it is in abundance.

The fastest way for me to get back to reality, is to turn on the radio, and somehow it is soothing and reasurring that I still have the control of my senses and can relate to every thins around me, the way I should as a married man with children.

Once home, I relaxed , took my colthe off, put on my bathin suite, the tiny Yelleow Polka dot Bikini Cyrus has ent me, got outside and basked in the warmth of the son, to fit better I knew i had to do a chore, you guys know that marjan makes living in our house so comfortable for me that I do not even put the trash out. Anyway cleaning the pool was a good way to start. Soon after Amin, and Kiana joined me, and we dipped in the pool, the water was reffreshing, and invegorating, floating weightless, swimming, splashing, jumping in and out, with the kids around me, and then, I went out and laid in the sun, marjan brought me a Beer and a Sandwich (OLIVIEH SALAD), and snacks for the kids since they already had their lunch.

After lunch, a bit more swimming, drying ourselves in the sun, just hanging around relaxing, and then we were off to the movies, HERBIE, well I do enjoy going to the movies a lot, and the kids exitement is always endearing, pop corn and soda always taste better in the movies too. Anyway back home, I took a twenty minutes nap, and then we were off to pick up our older son(only for three more days) David, and go to his basketball game. It is amasing how these kids play their heart out, it was an exciting game, though David's team lost by four points, but it was great I was yelling and screaming, and my kids were surprised to see me so involved in the game. We went to dinner afterward and head home by 9;30, sleep came easy and this morning although i was all soar, Marjan pushed me out of the door to go do my excersise. I had so much fun, i think i will do it more often.

I don't know if it is my right wing sensibilities, or maybe the glow is off the rose, I am not getting as many comments, maybe I AM BEING REPPETIOUS, or digging too deep, I remind myself this is the age of Mac Newspapers, and USA TODAY sells more papers that NY Times, or WSJ. if you want readers, you gott to have pictures, and short fast subjects, in and out, not too deep, just float on the surfaces, and maybe my involvement in the book, and lack of as many posts, I dont know, but I am sure in many ways this would be a blessing too, and i will learn from it.

And so much for the new enterprise, I guess it was shot down, I got to learn to dream in smaller morsels, accept the reality of busy lives, and be more logical. I remember long time ago, when i was partners with my brothers and dad, and every day was full of meeting, fights, yelling and screaming, my young wife, wise beyound her age, used to remind me most mornings," Remember Javad, not everybody sees things the way you do, be more logical, listen to others, and allow others to say their piece, or try to explain yourself better.".

LIFE IS EVEN BETTER AFTER HAVING A HALF A DAY OFF.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:11 PM | Comments (2)

June 29, 2005

Often

I guess I did not know, it is often when I do not realise the lenght of my quiet visits to the wood, and the effort it requires to see what I see and remember them as I bring them to life within these pages.

I did not get a chance to write yesterday, Fereydoon and the wealth of what he covers on his site, somehow takes me and writing there becomes more important. I dont know, but there was also the problem with my laptop, and my ignorance of how these thecnical whitcheries work, I was out of order, untill I got the lap top back in the late afternoon. and then as this book is flowing out of me, I had to get back to Malcol, and Sophie, and I did have such a good time with them, though it took so much out of me, For I felt the depth of her longings and the wonder of her existance in Malcolm's life. i finished chapter two, and it took me my whole trip home and listening to talk radio to bring me back from my trespass.

I corrected most of the book today, wrote a poem and since I had mistakenly posted it on the book site, I decided to use it in the book, Dr B, is happy with the progress and wrote me a very encouraging Email anbout the chapter Two. Yummy, I have been also blessed with Inasy 's guidence and suggestions, she warns me of the burden of such commitment, and I cherish her generosity.

LIFE IS GOOD, I am taking the afternoon of to spend some time with my
beauties, and share a bit more of my life with them.

There are a lots of things to cover, The President's speech last night, David Kline's new book about Hillary, and how it is being trashed by the press, although Mr Kline used to be the editor of NY Times, and he is highly regarded as a Journalist and a writer by the left leaning media. Our new Selected President in Iran, and his shameless past, which is covered in lenght by Fereydoon at hisw site.

Well Tomorrow probably will be as good to cover all of this, and I shal engage in making sense of it all within my right leaning sensibilities. Sl has pulled her self out of the new enterprise I had suggested, so has Cyrus, as I expected. they are both logical, very reasonable people with their feet firmly set on the ground, but I will find a way to get to him. There has been no suggestions from any one towrd the inception of the enterprise that was suggested, expectedly every one has looked at the empty half of the glass, and brought it to our attention. Fereydoon has been more encouraging than others, since he still has a lot of a dreamer in him. Inasy also has warned of the problems ahead, and the lack of time in all our lives to deal with such aspiration.

I remember when i told you guys that I will be writing a book, a dear, very dear friend of mine encouraged me to get out of the obligation I was putting on myself by my ever present dreaming self.
and he did poke me a few time about my late start, and the single post of the first paragraph I had in that section for the longest time. and I think he might not be impressed bu the stroy I am telling in the book, but I am sure he is taken by the volume that has followed.

Every journey starts wih the first step, so dreaqm a little, dare a bit more, come up with your vision of the half full portion of the glass and tell me if you like how it CAN be done, take a different tak, and think alomg the positive lines of how if the proposition got accepted by every one choosen, how can it be done. It mmight appeal to the problem solver, the PUZZLE monger part of the Cyrus's personality, and also it might trigger something in the rest of you, so I will wait...................

Posted by Idinraha at 11:18 AM | Comments (0)

June 27, 2005

Are we there yet?

well any of us going somewhere diffinitely have heard the outcry o0f our children, ARE WE THERE YET?, said so many times to our dismay. Now our friends on the left have made that a banner for their cause, winning while our respected visionary leader is drivig us trough the saharas of Middle east.

W said from the begining, it is gonna be a long hard war, but the war worthy of its execution. Wars do not come prepackaged with mannuals, they do not have expiration date, they are managed as we go along, mistakes are made and solutions are found, these are the same naysayers that published the 0same essays during WW II, and i0f we had listened to them 0we would 0be eating more cabbage, and sausage for food, and talked German.

Casualties, I know from where I stand it is eay to say this, but read yo0ur history, we Lost ten thousand men in one month fighting Japanese in an Island, trying to capture a hill. American millitary loses 3300, people avrage every year in training and accidents. in two years we have accomplished something that Iraqis had not been able to do in FIFTY years. It took our republic thirteen years before it could stand on its feet and practice its l0aws and constitution. Contrary to the simple minded thinking that this war was fought for OIL, This war is being fought for the future of Democracy, and freedom in Middle east. Years from now, Mr Bush would be admired for his vision and would be celebrated amongst free Arabs and the other population of the world. If we allow the Po0wer hungry Left anf its enablers to0 weaken us and lose thi0s war we are lo0sing the freedo0m of every Human being on this planet.

I know, I do know, it iws much easier, to read NY times, and listen to0 CNN, and agree with their biast banters. Remember if it was up to them the Berlin Wall would still be there,and Rusiia still wo0uld have ruled most of Eastern Europe, for these Naysayers never have 0a solution and can only spew hate on anything American. Wars are difficult, making hard decisions is not for every men, the history chooses the right men for the right times, and the best solutions are always the least popular ones. It would have been politicaly safe, very safe for W to take the easy road, dropp a few bombs, indicte saddam in world court, and sit pretty, but contrary to the menial, avargae,mediocare lives we are happy to live, they are men who have a bigger missions in life and History correctly would call on these men in times like this.

The press here has never had anything positive to0 write about Iraq, the schools that are opened the hospital0s that are working, the whole underlaying constructions of electricity, water and o0ther supplies that are being built, they had even the o0disity of not even celebrating the Elections in Iraq, and Afghanistan. they 0are 0devious in their visions, and what sells their papers is only showcasing the negatives, and they are so0 involved within their own elitist banters, confirming each other that they have no view of real lives that o0thers live. We can never do right by them, so lets leave them to their own OP Eds, and coctail parties, we know where we are going.

So as I say to my wining kids I do say to them; We get there when we get there, I am incharge here, I drive this car, and contrary to you opinion I know where I am going.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:09 AM | Comments (0)

where would we go from here

Wow, the fact that all of you, SL, Inasy, Fereydoon, and Cyrus, have written longer than usuall comments about my prropostition, shows that there is an interest and value to what I have proposed amongst you. so, where do we go from here?

I probably did n ot frame my intentions in a right way, by calling it a News Paper, maybe a Soap Box would have been a better metaphor. I have no 0wishes to try to appeal to masses and God know as Cyrus said there are enough out there who do that. I am thinking of a more selective highly intelligent, maybe arisic individualls that can not get their fix amongst the crowd of the site that are out there. We would like to reach people who read more special and unique periodicals and Journals. We will not be binded by any 0special groups,religiously or politically, we want to celebrate mainly Human beings, and o0ffer our takes of our own advantures on this earth for the time we have been allowed. We want to deal with our audiance at much higher level. And I think the diversity o0f the people behind this would help us cover many bases. We could 0deal with every day life and news on the planet also0 but not as a place to report i0t but to editorialise it. We would choose topics, and we also will choose amongst us and editor, who will have the say in the direction or editorials, and the approval of them, and since I am suggesting this I would recuse myself from ever taking that title or responsibility. Also remember we do not have to refresh the site and make addition on daily bases, we could do that weekly or monthly.

Again this is my view, my suggestion, we are discussing it and we need as much feed back as you can offer. I also 00do not think we will do this to the extent that it would take over our daily lives and our other concerns. so let me know, for I am very interested to hear from you, and learn about your vision of this enterprise.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:10 AM | Comments (3)

June 26, 2005

Sunday morning

I tried Cuppocino this morning, the girls at Dunkin Donut were surprised. the bitter taste and the lack of sugar was such wellcoming change, I am still playing KEANE on my CD, and let the windows and the sunroof open as I am Eighty Fiving on Route Ninty five.

We only get to watch and see, as the air moves, winds flee, and life goes on, My shoulders are sore from yesterday, but I am easing within this day, I like the quietness in my heart, and am enjoying the new adventures the places I am going, within my head. Sometimes its the expectations of life that become such motivation for us to go on, someone said, Life is at the best when you are looking for something, anticiapation of it, the wait. That is the reason that people who raise children and allow their life and living become the most important part of their lives, live a better life, nothing is more endearing than watching your kids grow, you never get tired of it, since they will always change and come up with new adventures for you.

Having David stay with us has convinced us both Marjan and I that we grow within the realm of the life our children live. We have been so helpless in knowing his mind, and trying to reach him, we have not grown enough to enjoy the life of a sixteen years old, and the responsibility of having him and watch out for him has been heavy on Marjan's shoulder, since she needs to be the best at every thing she does, and yet she does not know, she is full of doubts and questions. David is very well behaved, a very good kid, involved mostly in Basketball, and Footbal, we do not see him all day, sometimes he shows up for dinner, and Marjan has to pick him up or dropp him at different destination, it has been a pleasure to have him and get a glimpse of what awaits us down the road. But like any other Teen ager, he is very quiet, living in his own world, and Marjan tries very hard to reach him.

Amin has a new obsession being his daddy's son. He is stuck now on Starwars, he also has gotten to enjoy Simpsons. Kiana is growing so fast within her life that is scary, she comes up with such new voccaublary, new style, we share the same taste in music, and in many ways her soul has the same aspirations that mine did. She sees too much, and hears too much, she does not miss anything, she knows where everything is in the house, and has an amazing memory, a social butterfly, with a full scheduall of play dates, Birthday parties, keeping her mother well on her toes, she enjoys the life style that we offer her to the max, always asking for more.

In a way though Amin has become Marjans obsession more than anything, she was brought up with three brothers, and has always been comfortable around men, and watching Amin grow, and making his life as comfortable as ahe can is the first priority for her, I enjoy so much see her loving him, the way she looks at him, caters to him, and once in a while just hugs him and kisses him, her little man who is not as complicated and as impulsive as the other man in her life.

And loving me also comes to her easily, not living with me though, but she is a patient kind and she knows me, she gives me lots of space, as I do for her, and watches over me waiting for my next adventure, my next obsession and I knw now more than ever, she knows well How much I love her. she sees the tortured soul in me, and comforts me, making her my Rock of Gebraltar. and there is also another angle to this, the way we enjoy being together, the intimacy and the safety of it. the way I am when we are alone together, the way she is, and its the allowance of years we have spent together, the rough patches and the blessing of it. she allows me to go, and wellcomes me when I am back, and knowing that she is there as uncomplicatedly loyal and loving allows me more daring in my adventures. Having her in my life more than anything makes me feel special, knowing the guy upstairs has been as is watching over me.

I got positive feed back from Fereydoon about my new proposition , but like any good business man, and the logical part of him wants us to talk about it more. Shrink lady also likes the idea but is not sure if she can contribute to it as much as other, I beg to differ, she has what I have found in Cyrus, Fereydoon, Inasy, and chey, and that is the generosity of spirit, and a thirst to be more, and do more in the life that we all have been offered. I am waiting for Cyrus's approval, although I think he is so blessed and happy in the life he lives with his beloved wife Mahnaz, and the time they spend together is so precious for him that he might not be interested to get involved, but I am sure of the hold of Love and friendshp I have with him that he would help us no matter what. Inasy also married with three children probably would have a difficult time to find the time to help but having her with us in this journey is so crucial that we could not accept her refusal, I think in many ways she has to become our Editor in Chief, since she is so increadably solid in her writing skills and her sense of time, and the mission we all have within our time. Chey should be easier to convince, being single and adventures, the free Gypsy soul that she is, we need her to cover the style and artistic part of our endeaver.

I sincerely think though that the bulk of the work would be on Fereydoons and my shoulders, and God knows, we both have brad shoulders, and we have tasted the freedom of writing and posting, and having our own blogs, and we are still idealistic in our aspirations to give our lives something more than just living it. We ahve talked and dreamt of being more, and we both have this insasiable drive and thirst to excell, to share, and to leave a legacy of the life we have lived. And living hear in this country, with all the allowance that we have recieved we feel obligated to do more.

Yes, yes I am still a dreamer, but it take men like me to set the map, and cnjour the aspirations for new adventures , new boundries, we are the stepstones of Human beings resolve in its search for more, and more and more. this is not said in an egotistic jest but to suggest Dreams are the vision of our tommorows. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 10:24 AM | Comments (4)

June 25, 2005

A new Enterprise

Well when you are forty seven, they are things you should not do, I hit the Gym at Eight O'clock today. I did my forty five minutes Cardio, and then went for the weights. Shawn the sweetest trainer we have in the GYm was also trining by himself, doing shoulders, he is thirty three. I joined him, trying to keep up with him, and soon I knew I was in trouble, but being a Scorpio that I am I love challanges, so for the next hour I lifted some of the heaviest weights I have ever. But I kept up, and by the end of session I knew My arms would never walk again !

I came back to the store, feeling fresh but knowing that I will be soar, so took two advil, and got to the site. My new musical discovery
is a group called KEANE , the lead singers voice is heavenly, thhe songs have more of European tempo to them, the lyrics are wonderfull, so driving down to work today I was getting high on the songs, and with all my windows and the sunroof open it was a trip.

I am having such a good time with the book, thinking about Malcolm and his adventures, he is a good soul, and he is set for such a surprises in his life. I think to some extent he has some of sensibilities and innocence of Amin my son, not that he is based on Amin, you see characters are usually composite of many people you know or have seen in your life. Brian is also based on somebody I knew and was my roomate for a while, Physically he would be exactly like my roomate, but his character again would be based on a composite of many people. Then we have Sophie, which will play a big part in Both Malcolm and Brian's life, and Sara, she also would balance the story with her patience, calm, collected logic and reasoning. But Malcolm which is not based on my character at all would be the Major player, and somehow he has become so dear to me, and he does occupy my thoughts a lot.

You know I have always been a sucker for smart people, nothing to me is sexier than intteligence. I wrote a comment on Ferryis site LIVELIFE yesterday, and there was a line in there that was quite of a Gem, and after writing it I was so taken by it. I was very curios to see if anyone would pick it up for its shrewed, breathless meaning, and FEREYDOON got it. You see what has happened on internet is rather curious, you know how as human we have not learned very well to listen to each other, since I started this site I have noticed that now the same ignarance is getting obvious in the way people read, yes, they rush so fast through the pieces that they do not see everything that is in there, so now, we do not listen well, and we even do not listen to ourselves as we read. Fereydoon showed me that he does listen well, on the internet as well as in life.

Fereydoon is doing such a gangbuster job on his site, the depth and the range of topics he covers is amasing, it shows how he respects and enjoys what he does and how he also respects and enjoys the comments he gets. I also have noticed that we have such a wonderfull friends, and each of them as thoughtfull as they are they are also very diverse in their Talents. I like to make a proposition. I think we should put our efforts together, and create a new Newspaper on line, we have the Talents amongst us to cover many topics. SL is a shrink with wonderfull insights in that world, Inasy an accomplished writer which seems to know a lot about women, and Islam. Fereydoon a business man with a heart of Gold, and such a good observer of the life sarrounding him and also an accomplished writer. Cyrus with his Dry delicious sense of humor, and his own unique vision of life, Chey with her Romantic exuberant sense of life and also a good writer, we could do it, of course we would leave Fereydoon to take care of the financial part, and Cyrus to take care of the technical side. We could all invest in this venture as much as we can financially and emotionally and with this group only sky is the limit, so what do you say, let me know. Remember the site will take care of itself after a while with advertisings that it takes and I have enough traust in Cyrus and Fereydoon as business men to know they can guide us well.

So I like to thank Cyrus again and again for his generous allowance to my life and allowing all these wonderfull adventures to happen, for if it was not for him I would not have met some of the most intteligent, inquisitive, old souls that I have so far. I owe you man, and I owe you big, LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 10:20 AM | Comments (6)

June 24, 2005

Q&A with G&I

G; Its you again, we got to stop meeting like this, people will talk
I; well you know I am obsessive, I see a good thing I gotta go to the end of it
G; Yeah, yeah, I hope you are not recording this
I; Can I ?
G; so what is it ?
I; where is the answer ?
G; when you wanted cookies as a kid where did you go?, to the cookie jar right
I; You mean.....
G; Dont be silly, you find it inside, you want an answer to pain you find it inside it, answer for joys, its inside it, you got to reach that state, and for..... sake calm down, why do you guys want the answer, you want to know about life you gotta live it, you forget the main elements and go after the secondaries.
I; Heaven, Hell
G; I dont know anything about them, you guys created them
I; So no after life,
G; not the way you precieve it, you got to get there then you know
at this state of being what you seek is beyound your comprehension, but after your passage you will now, all I can tell you is that you who rule your life here and after.
I; is it scary
G; not compare to spending a week with Rosie O'Donnel. no it is just different, now that you insist I tell you, the answer for now is to life your life to the fullest you can, and do not worry, worries brinf doubts, and doubts is where the other guy roams. JUst enjoy your life, live
I; can I call on you again
G; always, I am closer than you think.

Posted by Idinraha at 05:32 PM | Comments (0)

Desert, Marjan, AKBAR SHAH, and Hillary

last night I got home, and my beautifull wife Marjan had the dinner already on the table, I kissed my beauties , changed my cloth and sat for Dinner, the food was delicious and the company even better. I hav told you how much I enjoy the little times we get together every now and then. The surprise how ever was the desert. Marjan serves me this delicious desert that I love so much I eat it with my hands. She does not divulge the recipie, and I have been told not to mention the name of it eaither. The experience is so exquisitely joyfull it is almost Carnal, and soon I was on top of the beloved with my fingers, lips, mouth and teeth, and gorged on it to my delight. She served the desert naked with nothing on by a apron, and as much as I was taken by the desert, I could not resist to fantasize while eating. You see at tender age of thirty six my wife has ahieved this certain place in womanhood that makes men droll every where she goes. I would like o report she is more beautifull, physically and emoionally fit that when I met her almost twenty years ago, and what can I tell you, Dinner, desert and Marjan............... some men have all the luck.

After dinner, desert and Marjan, I was joined by Kiana, she loves the new CD of Rob Thomas I have gotten her, she played the music, we went over the Lyrics together, and she also showcased the new dance she has coreographed to go with the music. The evening ended with me going trough the Book, WORLD IS FLAT, while watching the NBA final game.

my Darling friend FEREYDOON, is doing a wonderfull job on his site LIVELIFE, writing about Iran, the political ramification of the election there, and the candidate, check it out. I was also lucky to recieve a call from my Sister who lives in Iran, and I asked her if she has voted, she said yes, and upon my asking she said, lots of people including her did not vote the first time around, but voted again to make sure that Rafsanjani would not be elected. That seemed contrary to the information I had recieved here, claimin that Rafsanjani would recieve the vote so AHMADINEJAD, the other candidate would not get elected. To my surprise, My sister told me that Ahmadinejad who is PHD and teaches in the university has been the critique of the government and would be a better President for Iran. I told her it does not matter who becomes the president, since KHamenei would be the absoloute power any way., She disagreed with me, pointing to Rafsanjani as the Absoloute power in Iran, and told me stories of ho0w He and his sons are stealing everything they can. and Khamenei's power is very limited in comparison. She also0 told me of the sense of helplessnes amongst the public, since there is no rule of law in Iran, and econimically the situation is so bad that Medicine, Antibiotics could cost as much as one million Toman (almost $1200.00 dollars for a bottle. The situation is very desperate, and Rafsanjani has so much power that in Iran they do call him AKBAR SHAH.
and in a recent interview on Iranin TV, he has promised to make changes and gone as far as promissing to give Ten Million Toman to every Iranian once he is elected.

On this side of the Ocean, there is a new book available for sale, written by the same writer that did exposes on Kennedys. The subject of the book is our own thunder thighs Mrs Hillary Rotten Clinton, aka, Evita Peron. of course the book has been criticised by the Liberal press even before it came out. It is g0onaa be such an interesting election on 2008, and I can not wait to see how much lower Clintons would go to get back the power.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:14 PM | Comments (2)

June 23, 2005

LIFE IS GOOD

I took half a day off yesterday, went home about 1 pm, and took my beauties to Mini Golf, half a way trough the course we got showers and we had to go back. We decided to go to the movies, I told the kids since it is my day off I choose the movie, and they accepted, I opted for Batman Begins, I had red good reviews about it and the Director Chris Nolan is a favorite of mine.

The movie is about Two and half hours, and I have to say it is the best Batman movie ever. I also like to say, it is a great movie altogether. Christian Bale fits the role to the T, he is so real, so damaged, and the movie is so real in its aspirations and direction. There is no fantasy here, the Gadgets all have a base in reality which makes them more believable. Amin said later on you only need to go to a Hardware store to become Batman. All the actors are firsty rate, Mostly english actors, except Morgan Freeman, and Katie Holms.
Both Marjan and I enjoyed it immensly, but the kids were not very happy about it.

Fereydoon complained to me that the amount of my rants and poems has decreased in the site. I have been busy these days more with the Book, and I am glad to report that I am half way trough Chapter two. Incidently if any one likes to read the book so far, we have a put a password on it that can be furnished to you upon request.

LIFE IS GOOD, and this summer looks so promising, I have been preoccupied mostly with the direction of the book, and before I sleep or even when I am training I think about it. I enjoy the process immensly and have been able to get Dr B to consult me trough out the whole process, I am very excited about this.

I recieved a call from my mother this morning and we are fine with each other and that also makes me very happy.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:43 AM | Comments (0)

June 22, 2005

A crying Dick Turban appologises

Well, I guess no rest for the wicked,........ Yesterday My brother surprised me, Hossein is two years younger than me, and we have had our share of ups and downs and sibbling rivlaries. He is so very different than me. Very practical, very idependent, and very logical, he doesnot wear his emotions on his sleeve, and is much more private than me.

We used to go to college together, and he was famous for his looks, (they used tocall him OMAR SHARIFF), and his physical attributions. And for a short time at the beginning of our business life together, when it was only him and I, we worked very well together, him being very conservative and me being ambitious, it was a good chemistry, and of course then everybody else got involved and we lost it. I think in many ways he does not understand many things I do, the motivations behind my doings, but he has respected my wishes and has allowed me my space.

Through out the years, Marjan and I also have watched him and his family and have talked a lot about his dedication to his sons, and he has gained our admiration in how he raised them almost single handedly. He has two Handsome boys that are so well adjusted and respectfull of their father, and so kind and loving to the rest of the family, they diffinitely are a feather in his cap. He has worked tirelessly to protect and rasie his family the best he could.And he is well respected in our family as a good father.

Yesterday he also did me a big favor, that helped me tremoundesly, and as much as his favor helped me, the thought process behind it as he explained it to me took me by surprise, showcasing his growth and maturity as a man he has become. I am greatfull to him, and Marjan and I would not forget his selflesness and generosity, and we will try to make it up to him. Thanks Brother, I owe you a big one.

Well Dick Turban did appologise for his remarks yesterday, and Sl my dear friend does not have to deffend him, since he has accepted that he was wrong. Well I really do not believe that Senator Turban believes he is wrong, but the pressure from the public, his thirst to keep his cushy job, and the reactions that Democratic leaders have gotten to his remarks, made them to twist his arm and app0ologise for his shameless remarks. Maybe what happened to Daschelle, MR NO, the Abstractionist leader of the Democrats in the last congress also made him realise that there would be a price to pay. And I personally think, although Illinoise is a very Democratic state, Senator Turban would not get re-ellected at the next Congressional election. You see give them enough rope and they hang themselves. His remarks in a way does help the Conservative causes by showcasing how the Democrats feel about America, and American military.

Democrats lost the last election because of their weekness, their politics of appeasement, and their ever anomosity toward the American
military. Mr Kerry's treasoness remarks upon his return from Vietnam before the congress, his demonstrations with Hanoi Jane against the war, and trowing his Medalls and ribbons over the gates of White house did him in. American people might disagree with each other in many levels, RED states, or Blue states, but they all have a tremendous lo0ve for this country and the military that has come to rescue and deffend us whenever is needed.

Bolton's nomination was blocked again by the democrats at the vote yesterday, they again did not allow his nomination to come for an Up and Down vote. As ever they are blocking the nomination by name calling and critisizing Bolton for his tough style of the management. I do belive with all the corruption that is going on in UN. We do need a tough negotioter, and not a YES MAN, to clean up that organisation. Senators Dodd, and Biden have asked for more documents from the white house, knowing that these are privilaged information and The Executive privilage would not allow the white house to supply such information. Again is the politics of Abstraction, and name calling that they are practicing, not caring how all this would hurt the nation.

I heared Senator Dodd, this morning asking the governmkent to close the Mitgo Prison and sending the detainees to their birth countries. We are holding these detainees to extract informations from them, the information we get out of them in very necassery to stop further attacks on our soil, and their own countries have refused to recieve them back. At the beginning of this year Two hundreds of these detainees were released and sent back to their original countries and most of them got caught again in battle fields of Iraq and Afghanistan.

Again I would like to bring this fact to your attention, that these are not POWS, and they do not have any goals in life but the destruction af America and its culture. These are Terrorists that if allowed would cut the throats of every American man, woman, or chil with no hesitaion, and are ready to push and pull buttons to explode and destruct anything they can. Democrats 0nly motivation for their acts is to embaress the Bush administration and destroy the American resolve and American soldiers moral through out the world.

Posted by Idinraha at 09:59 AM | Comments (1)

June 20, 2005

Submission !

Last night After dinner, I was feeling tired, and spent, no energy, found my way upastairs, and soon my delicious companion Kiana was laying down next to me holding me. We talked a bit, she was tired too, it was only 7 pm, but we both fell sleep, I was up around 3 am, Holding Amin on one side, and Kiana on the other. We have a guest these days, Amir, Julia, Micheal, and Steven have left for Italy for Ten days, And David could not go, so he is staying with us. He took over Amin's room, so Amin and Kiana are sleeping with me, and Marjan sleeps over Kiana's room.

Akram and My father in law were over for Dinner, and David joined us a bit later. I get so much pleasure out of Holding my two beauties and falling sleep with them. Amin fills my arms so well, he is growing, almost the same height as Marjan. I got up at # am, went down stairs, had some fruits, watched TV a bit, and then by 5 am was back up and slept till 7;30, that is lots of rest for me, almost ten hours, I guess everything that has happened in the last two weeks is catching up with me.

On the way to the Gym, I put on my Rob Thomas's new CD, the first song is very good, kinda head banging, tapping your feet good, -THIS IS HOW THE HEART BREAKS, and the second song, I DONT WANNA BE LONELY NO MORE, is also wonderfull, so, I opened all the windows of the car, and the sunroof, and made my way to the Gym singing and dancing. Yesterday, I got a new pair of Pyjamas in light Blue, a Mouse pad handcrafted and designed by my Kiana, three wonderfull cards, and we all went for Breakfast. Happy Fathers day to me.

Today there are a few lose ends I got to take care of , a few customers, and then I might even take a walk down the beach, Fereydoon had made comments on My usage of the word Submision, well, it's my new thing, my new find, another door, as I search as always for more, I think conflicts brings agression, and aggression brings sadness, I like submission, of course, in dealing with matters bigger than us. I also like Faith, believing, I like closeness, and transparent, well some of my favorite words, but these days, Submission rules, that should make Fafar happy.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:49 AM | Comments (0)

June 18, 2005

for Demons to go away

I have chewd my skin, in its dry patches and in its heaving corners, she says, I feel too, much, and I say, I beg to differ, I need more, I need it all within all the surfaces, I dream of butterflys and birds, I dream of their flights, and the sky is so clear , the sky in so boundless, where do we go from here.

I have cleaned the floors, dusted all the surfaces, broke the glass windows, and asked them to go away, the doors are open, and I feel so very safe, within me , within this habitat, this configaration of woods and beams, of bricks and metals, I need another posion another trip another seeing, I need to know, and I think I could handle all I will recieve.

The waters are calm, the waves ahave subsided, as I flow on the surfaces of the water, and know of the depth of it, of all that lives beath me, and I have no fear, the sky is calm, and the weather soothing, and I have submitted myself in form in breath, all and all to this

I walked in the house and she throw the ORANGE BALL AT ME, AND THEN SHE HUGGED ME, my mother, so soft in her flesh, and the smell of her cooking in her neck and her dress, I wish she held me there, right there, for a quiet ever, the ball bounced to the corner of the room, and she let go of me............

she say I am shameless and all I do is for attention, I beg to differ, I have seen the truth, and it does not measure within the boundries of your little head, and you do not know, and I cant not offer you anything but my silence, i am too tired to explain, too too
tired, and words are suck crooked little tools, the little teeth that can not bite, and can not hold, so allow me my reality, my life. I do not need the attention of the ones that can not recieve the jest of my purges, and if I soil their sensibilities, there are other doors, I never insisted, I never try to explain, I do not need to, and I do not need you.

Paper tigers, and plastic chains, allow me my advantures, for I am kind to trespasses, but I do not have time to explain, and I will allow you your flight, I will close my eyes, I will not utter words to your denial, I will not, this is where I plant my seeds, this is my land, my native land, and these are my bretherns, and what brings them here, is the seed, and the promise of growth, the tilt of my vision, and my brazen colors, the ugliness of my gestures, and the hues of my shame, and You are crowding me, you make me ache for another breath, it is your filth, your shame, your intentions, your demented vision, your ghosts, your nightmares, the way you precieve the way you mirror my intentions and my judgements, not mine, please just go away.

Allow me my choices, my demons, allow me the rest of my Sunday mornings within my house, allow me my dreams, and if only if I allowed you to stay , please, for Gods sake, shut your motuh, and listen, this is not your audiance this is not your prayer, I do not belong to you, I have never belonged to anyone, only the hands I hold, the cheeks I kiss , the ones I want.

Take your ropes, and your relations, let me breathe, and dont let the door hits you as you exit, I have had enough of you, just go away

Posted by Idinraha at 06:01 PM | Comments (0)

submission and flow in consciousness.

I; You are unbelievable, how do you do this
G; Hum, It's my pleasure, it always is, I have the patent to it.
I; so, where do we go from here
G; It's your choice, I will be watching you
I; You do more than watching, a regular peeping Tom I would say
G: Well I have to, somebody has to
I: What do you have in store for me,
G; I don't, I just wind you, then you go, you know there are times,
many times that you surprise me, I close my eyes, well and try not to be aware of you, try not know and then it is such pleasure to watch you struggle with your choices, but you are okay.
I; Oh, so I supply you with entertainment, like those Reality Shows on TV,
G; There is nothing Real about them, I don't watch them, but Desperate Housewives, that's another story.
I; Marjan hates that show, I never watch it, she had so much trouble
with that word, DESPERATE.
G; I know it is demeaning to her, I can understand.
I; What is gonna happen in Iraq, are we on the right path
G; Gee I do not know, I guess we will see, I try not to dewell on everything, remember surprises is good, if I arrange everything there would be no fun. I set the basic laws within basic parameters, the rest is up to you guys.
I; What about all the death, soldiers, ordinary people
G; that is a tough territory to explain, I guess I could say it comes only and only to Choices, you might not understand how much FREE WILL is involved. FREE WILL has been one of my favorite terms, or I could say stages of living, I am so proud of that one.
I; heh, so ....... all this religions, prayers, Martyrs
G; Deviations my friend, you guys created them, and it has been very amusing to me how you have come up with them, and how they have had such staying powers. It is one of your oldest creations, it is dependency, but I had thought by now you would have gotten over it. but you will, it is on its way out, you will find consciousness, and once you do, things would become simpler.
I; Where is the answer?
G; There is no answer, its a flow, you have to learn the balance, you have to learn submission, grow within your instincts, if there is an answer, its here whitin everything you see, within you.
I; Oh, thank for the tip
G; Any time, any time.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:19 AM | Comments (2)

June 15, 2005

Comfort of strangers

I know Cyrus does not like it, he has told me, when I write about my problems with my family. It might make some of you uncomfortable too, I am sorry, but this is my way of getting get off of me. The whole idea behind writing these pages was to have a place to gather my poetry, showcasing them, but it has come to be more than that. My Rants in many ways have become more important, at least to me, to be able to vent off, and open the scabs, allowing it some air, some healing.

It has turned off my sister, my brother Hossein was objecting to me saying as much as I do, but I told him, that I treat every one here with as much respect as I can. If I showcase any shortcomings by anyone, I also tell you the culture that has been the culprit of making them the way they are. I also tell you that warts and all I am happy about how I have turned out, and would not change anything in my life. Robert Bly, in his book "The Iron Man", write, that it is our wounds that makes us who we are, and we become so much better because of our wounds. Our damage becomes our treasure, for they bring us where we are. I believe in that

I have always believed that JUDAS was the victum, not Jesus. And he in some ways has made Jesus the figure he is. I have never believed in society of victumhood, and has never viewd myself as a victum. I am the product of a society i was born in, and the upbrining I have had, and in many ways I am an okay person, and comfortable with it.
I tell you a lot of the blessings I have, and how I appricite them.
I share with you my joy and my pain, leaving you traces, and if what I do helps anyone as much it helps me, my job is done. But more than anything this is the story of my life, and if it turns you off you are not obligated to read, you come here of your own free will, and I am not forced to you. You also have a choice if you come here, to read what yo0u want, poetry, the boo0k I started, and the Rants that you like.

You also have come to be a blessing to me with your comments, all of you, I learn so much from you, and Iam in debt to you for it. Cyrus's dry humor, and his own special view of the world, the way he sees things and as much as he shares with me, Fereydoon's sensebilities, and his angles , his vision, I have learned a lot from him, and the diversity the differences amongst the three of us all coming from the same culture, but brought us in different families, and how that has made us all such different personalities. Shrink Ladies comprehensive remedies, and views, her matter of fact, factual sensibilities, Chey's own romantic ways, Inasy's pesise and soo0thing words, and all the rest who add so much, this is all such an allowance to me and my life.

There is no intention or a definite agendas in writing these pages. I come here every morning and just write , the way I see it. I wellcome all the different views I recieve, Political and social, and pride myself that I have never edited, or deleted anything even when they were different views that mine. I celebrate those differences since I know how fragile, and how one sided, how biast, and narrow my views could be. So take me as I am, Guide me as you would, tell me and I listen, and bear with me, you are wellcomed here, you are aware of the fact the time you spent here could be spend else where since God kno0ws we can find anything we want on the internet. and thanks, many thanks.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:36 AM | Comments (3)

Where did you buy this bed ?

Our bedroom is very open to outside, a large walk out window takes you out to a balcony at the side of the house, there is lagre sky light on the cieling, and two windows, on the back side wall, the bed is set in an angle somehow cutting the room in the middle. The walls are painted in beautifull Pumpkin skin color, and the bed quilt is in darker tones of Ginger, green, decorated with multi color beads, and velvet,
we sleep on a king size bed, it is comfortable, but I miss the closeness of our old Quenn size bed, it was easier for me to reach Marjan, and she selpt closer. the bed itself is very simple in soft wood color, the head board is ornated by metal circles and designs in
the midlle, the wood on it looks old and distressed.

I love laying down in our bedroom, looking out from the large side window, while Marjan sits close to me, reading, as we talk, it is our space, where we can close the door, leave outside, way out, feel safe in our togetherness, and enjoy quiet converstaions, the way married people do. we stay closer when it is not safe outside, when one of us feels vounerable, and needs the safety of of the other one, when life through us a big one, and we need counsel. There is no pretenses her, no covers, we share our truth, our life, and we talk. If I come from work and she sees the discomfort in me, she summons me up, and brushes it away, and I do the same for her.

Looking outside the window last night at dawn, when colors fleet and the sky subtles in grays, contrasting the darker shades of the trees, and winds dance amongst the leaves, I see faces that come through the lines that leafs depict against the gray sky, I see shapes, and faces, they come and go, mirroring me inside, my hopes and fears, my life, and as we talk, I watch, and little by little I lose the scene outside as the night befalls, and leaves us.

Last night we asked Kiana to allow us some time togther, " What are you gonna do? " she asked, " and how long you need", she continued, "well, we just want to be together, you know married people need to be together time to time", Marjan answered. Kiana agreed, and we almost had an hour together, wich is a nice allowance, and privilage. Afterward, upon Marjan leaving the room, Kiana came in to claim her place next to her daddy. We talked, sang, played silly, and before you know it Amin was up there too. So I made room for him, hoding him next to me. This was exactly what the doctor had ordered, unconditional love, to have it and allow it to wash over me, listening to them, their voices, their requests, singing, being silly, and leaving the day way out, way way out. " your bed is so comfy daddy", Kiana said." where did you buy it", she asked, " its not the bed my love that is comfy, it is just an ordinary bed like many others, its the love we all recieve here that makes it comfy", I answered. " you think I could get a bed like this when I grow up", she asked again. " Oh you will my sweetness, you sure will", I said.

Marjan got Amin to his bed, and I laid on the floor of the kiana's room next to her untill she found sleep, holding on to me. I found Marjan later on down stairs, we watched a little TV, she went to bed, and I watched basketball finals, before I went upstais.LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 09:58 AM | Comments (0)

June 14, 2005

He 's BAD

Wow, Justice for sale, Micheal Jackson now is in good company, OJ Simpson, Robert Blacke, they were all aquitted by the jurry of their peers. Buying their freedom and Justice in Millions they p0aid to their skillful Layers. So this is the rule now, only and if only you are a celebrity, and you can afford it, and if you move to California, you have the freedom of Killing your wife, and Molessting children, so be carefull makes sure you have the right kind of Money, and you reside swomewhere in Lala land, and then do as you please.

In American Justice system, the best anywhere, the bar is set way high, P0ROVEN GUILTY BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT. So you need to convince only one memeber of Jurry that you are not guilty and you will have your way.

I personally never thought Micheal Jackson was guilty, or as guilty. and of course the carachter of the family that broght suite was so damaged by the end of the trial that they seemed to be mo0re of Partners in crimes, and buncha Gold diggers. Shame on them, as I said before if you allow your kid to p0al around with MJ, you are more guilty than him. And the funny thing is Mr Jackson can not be touched again buy law. and his fleeting fame and popularity has gain such momentum that he will be selling ten folds in albums and his income from Concert sales will definitely increases. You see this is a society of victomhood, we celebrate deviations in any form, remember Paris Hilton, her notriority has profited her, she had a series, her modeling career is as hot, she is in advertising almost naked on network Tv.

Mr Jackson could not get so much publicity, even if he sold his entire holdings and paid for it, and he is shrewd enough to know it and he would milk it as far as he can. He has already set concert dates in Europe, and Japan. Viva Capitalism. there will be Interviews, books, Movie of the week, T shirts, concerts, and money made from all this, and we will all prosper for it.

Well maybe now we could all go back, try to find a solution for Social Security, War in Iraq, Middle East, GM's bottom line, the supreme court Judges, and on and one, but we better do it quick before another celebrity gets bored with his or her wife, or need more publicity.

I hope you noticed how the ever appourtunist Mr, Jessie Jackson, took over the media lines, with his ever pointing fingers to the race problems, in case the jurry found for plaintive. In a way I am sure his rhetorics had some effects, and he will be paid handsomely by the Jackson family. Anyway the justice was served, and he was found NOT GUILTY, by the jurry of his peers, and he can take that to the bank.

Posted by Idinraha at 09:42 AM | Comments (2)

June 13, 2005

Monday afternoon

We still have no air condition in the store, it is very hot here, and any unneeded movement would result in huffing and puffing, and sweating. so we stay put in front of the fans we have.

Saturday night we all went to Kiana's dance recital, it was held in my old school. We have been going to this recital for the last five years, so many of the Dancers are very familiar to us and we have seen them grow physically, and getting skilful in the dances they do.
There is lots of comedy on stage, specially when three, and four years old dancer try to follow each other, and the mistakes they do are hillarious. the older ones are much more accomplished, and the show tunes they were dancing to were wonderfull. Kiana did a great job at any moment whe was on the stage she was smoother and more skilful than others in her movements, she is a natural.

The last number they had was from the show CATS, it was a long number with great dances which I enjoyed immensely. Julia, Steven, Akram, Tara and Miraneh also had joined us. After they left, steven stayed with us and we went to dinner. Kiana still exited from the recital showed off some of her dance moves to the people in the restaurant to our delight. Steven stayed over night and when I left the house on Sunday morning the three of them were already swimming in the pool and their Breakfast was catered to them by the pool site by my ever gracious wife Marjan. What a life.

Sunday afternoon I joined Marjan and the kids at Kamran (my brother in law, Miraneh's husband), I felt much better, but I feel a bit out of balance, there is a quietness in me, I was so sedated, so quite. over there, I did not feel like eating anything. everybody was there, but I felt seprated and lonely and it showed, I was not as Bombastik as I usually am, talking and teasing every one. and I was tired, so I went to the living room, it was empty, I put a pillow on the floor and tried to take a nap, I was thinking about my new mood, Marjan was a bit alarmed, and had asked me what was going on with me, I had told her that it is the medication, but I know better.

My mother has been calling me, she is adamant that i should make peace with my father, and get back to the bi-weekly family gatherings. She has called three times so far, and she is persistant, that is one of my mothers trade mark, she gets what she wants. I am not rerady for it, I would not be able to bear it, not emotionaly, not physically, and of course she has a much simpler view of the whole thing. "YOUR FATHER IS TOO OLD, IF HE DIES YOU WOULD NEVER FO0RGIVE YOURSELF, I AM TELLING YOU THIS FOR YOUR OWN SAKE."
It is amazing that at the tender age of FOURTY SEVEN, I still do not know what is 0good for me, at least that is what she thinks. And of course non of this is my doing, it is all Marjan's fault.

I want and I need to stay away. I needed this at the age SEVENTEEN, when I came all the way to America, to stay away, to search and find myself, only me, outside of all the obligations and chains. I guess this was hard for them to understand then, and still is. I tried again at NINETEEN, but she said, IF YOU DO NOT HELP YOUR FATHER AND BROTHERS YOU WILL FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT, I KNOW YOU BETTER. At Twenty one, she said,IF YOU DONT GO BACK TO THE BUSINESS AND THEY FAIL YOU WILL FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT, THEY NEED YOU, AND YOU NEED THEM.

And I do blame myself, for not standing up for me, for not being brave and daring, for depending on them as much as they depended on me, for not finding my own way, and living my own life. I should have been better, I should had known, but she said, and she said, and she said.

I even thought of calling my friend Debbie and aske her, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AFTER HE DIES, HOW WOULD I FEEL , WOULD I GO TO PIECES, WOULD I. You see I have been conditioned to be good, to try harder, to accept and to feel guilty. WHATEVER YOU DO TO HIM YOUR SON WILL DO TO YOU. But I have not done to my son what he has and is doing to me, he is a different person than I am, I am a different person than my father is, so what gives. And you know I would be a lucky man if my son does to me what I have done to my father.

Well, I am still being reached, I am still being manipulated, I told my mother, she is wellcomed to see my kids any time at our house, I even would love to take her out for dinner with the kids, but she only wants them on her own term. The way my dad did, YOU CAN ONLY GET THE RICHES OF LIFE IF YOU WORK TOGETHER. But Dad, IT DOES NOT WORK, WE ARE SO DIFFERENT, WE CANT. Well it took us fifteen years of our lives, fighting each other, destroying a business, and wasting Millions of dollars, with him losing the most, before he accepted it.

You know I have even thought about moving from this state, yes I have, and I don't know it might get to that. LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:56 PM | Comments (4)

June 11, 2005

Just another day

Staurday morning, I woke up late, still feeling like an eighty years old man, but I am feeling better, I took my last Z pill, 2000 mg of Tylenol, shower, and got to work by ten thirty. It is cooler today than yesterday, I have to survivie the day, and by 6pm, I have to show up for Kiana's dance recital. This year is held at my old school, Sacred Heart University, it would be fun to see the old school.

Howard Dean is sitll the hot topic amongst the talking heads on the Radio and TV. Some think that his representaion of the left side of DNC would make Hillary look more viable, and moderate, getting her the nomination easier. Clintons have shown their skill in achieving what ever they want in American political scenes, but somehow I do not think she would even get the nomination of her party, she got lots of baggage, she comes frpm another North East state, and she is a senator. she also lacks the charm and bravado of her husband. well I guess we will see.

Republicans got their three Judges approved, Judge Pryor was approved by the senate. and next week they would get around Bolton and his nomination. We do need a no nonsense kind of guy like Bolton to clean up the UN. Republicans have the vote already and he will be approved.
There has been an out cry from the left to close Guantanamo bay Prison, Championed by Biden, and Pillosi, and an article in NY times by Thomas Friedman has also supported such a move. And as usuall they do not have any answers that where should these priconers end up. Although most of the retainees are ENEMY COMBATANTS, WITH NO HOLD TO ANY COUNTRIES, and they are not aligible to be treated under Geneva Laws, American government has given them such rights, and even the right to counsel. The individuall prisoners's countries do not want them back. We definitely do not want them on American Soil, and Democrats do not have any solutions for this either. There is about 500 of them and I think America has been more generous than it should have been with these terrorists, and they should be left where they are.

To large extent what has kept us safe here in America has been the war in Iraq, and the Patriot Act. Patriot Act has been under fire by the left and parts of it is coming to be renewed by the end of this year. It should be renewed and approved permanently, our safety here in our counrty, in our homes, the safety of our kids, and our lives should be the number one priority for any president and the American Government. Let us make sure that Petriot Act is approved.

I think the approval of George W Bushes's Judges, on the Federal Bench, and the two new vacancies that seems to be created by the end of this year on the supreme Court, allowing at least two more of Bushes's judges the aossisiate justice positions on the Supreme court would tilt the country a bit further toward conservatism, and give the George W Bush's legacy the merit it deserves. he has come to the political scene at the right time of the History and History will remember him well for it.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:34 PM | Comments (3)

June 10, 2005

why you don't want no one to know

Well, Friday is here, somehow Friday is not a very recognisable day, very memorable, since the thrill and the wonder of the weekend takes over, and Friday becomes the Tuesday child.

Last night my darling son got graduated from sixth grade, I guess that is the reason he is growing like weeds, getting bigger, stronger for challanges ahead. He makes us worry by his innocent, by the goodness in him, by his patience, living in his own world, the way his daddy used to. As parents, you know what is lurking outside and you want your child to be ready for it, but I also know that I would not fight his battles, he would come across his own challanges and he would get aroun d them by himself. You see I do feel as innocent and lost as he seems to us sometimes, he does walk on solid ground, there is a confidence in him, way down, a kind of confidence my little girl does not have. in spite of all her bravado, and brohaha, Kiana is more fragile than Amin. Marjan dressed in a fantastic Green almost deco dress looked delicious last night, I wore my navy suite and the blue shirt with black stripes, no tie, and I know if I look good Marjan would look smitten by me, and last night I looked good. They sang, they said goodby to their teachers, it was nice and warm, I feel I owe so much to all those teachers, they do so much, and they are so underpaid for all they do.

Kiana through a fit, since she could not go, the siblings were not invited, but she would not have any of it, crying"it is not fair", "why cant I go", " I will miss you daddy", that girl knows how to reach me, and to get me, but to noavail, she stayed with Akram, and we picked her up around ten o'clock.

I am giving lots of thoughts about the style of my writing, I think I need more intimacy in my poems, and I know once I learn how to project that, once I learn the ropes, I will be there. so I am searching in my head, in the poems I read by other poets, and in my work, it is good to be on alert, to be thirsty and to ask for more, wanting is good, hoping is good, and learning, there is such a pleasure in learning. I still kick myself why I did not take the less travelled route, getting my Phd, teaching in a college somewhere, that would have been my life, but if I persued it, i would have never
met Marjan, Amin, and Kiana, and heck nothing is worth that, so SHUT UP MISTER. That I will, at least for now. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 10:42 AM | Comments (0)

June 09, 2005

A very smart Iraqi girl with beautifull eyes

She seems to know and appriciate Mr Bush, since she is wearing his picture around her neck, some guys have all the luck.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:59 AM | Comments (0)

Chairman Dean Strikes Again HEEHAW

Well, well, well, Politic is funny and god knows it brings mo0re entertaiment to all of us than old Hollywood all together. Howard Dean, the newly elected chaiorman of DNC, has a tendency and inclination to put his foot in his mouth and he has done it again, he is such a blessing, a gift that gives and gives again, to all conservative, his recent words of wosdom, " Republicans are basically all the same, they are all white christians", WOW, the policy of inclusion, the big tent and all of that, all aside. Chairman Dean has ignored the fact that 53% of all white Christians vote for democrats, and only 47% vote republican, that 18% of African Americans also vote Republican, and 33% of Hispanics have voted republican also.

The percentage of African American's support for republican has gone up 7% since the prior election, and the same also is true of Hispanics, the reason mostly due to these minorities being more God fearing, right leaning than white christians, and the raise of prosperity amongst these minorities also has made them more supportive of republican Tax Policies. Chairman Dean also recently has announced that Democrats do take Black vote for gauranted and do not work as hard as republicans to attract them to their party, and on another occasion, also has called all Rebulican dishonest. His words of Wisdom, brought lots of other ranking democrats to the front of Tv cameras denouncing Mr Dean's words of wisdom and disasossiating themselves fro0m him, Joe Biden, and Nancy Bellosi were the first to begin the process.

And Mr Dean arranged all this on the day that senate approved the nomination of Janice Rogers Brown, to the DC Federal court, well she being Black, and a daughter of a shearcropper, who put herself through the law school, and raised her kids by herself, and now probably the front runner for any future vacancy on the court. It could not have been more Ironic, and so very delicious for all of us white christian Republicans. Mr Bush has been so consistant in attracting minorities to the Republican party, by nominating qualified Hispanic, Blacks, and female judges to the bench which would provide, not Liberal activist judges bent on legistlating from the bench, but moderate sensible judges who get to interpret the consitution rather than making a new one.

Well, Democrats like the white haired, red face Kenedy, the lost in space Mr Gore, the elitist Kerry, and now our arrogant know it all Mr Dean have done so much for the progress of the conservative causes by showing their real colors, that we should frame their pictures in the halls of our republican party head quarters, and say a prayer so they live longer, and get ellected again and again, since republicans have never had friends that give us so much and keep giving. And lets not forget our beloved Evita Peron, Mrs Hillary Rotten Clinton, although she is turning so hard to the middle, that getting through the primaries for the Demo0cratic Party might not be as easy for her any more, specially with our Mischivous, deliciously arrogant mr Dean as the chairman of DNC. God I can not wait for the 2008 primaries and the election. PILOITICS IS FUNNY.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:08 AM | Comments (0)

Over medicated

well, 400 mg of advil, first thing in the moning, another Zitromax, and its "show time", the throat is still sore, the fever still here, walking around the house like an old man, this morning Marjan asked me if I am okay, I just looked at her, did not know how to answer that, I guess it will takes its course, and while I am being medicated, I am enjoying the calmness of my moves, there is a certain clarity in my head, like I can hear myself better(Oyway), or think more clear, I do feel more present here, maybe its my fatalistic side, that gets calmed down as long as something is wrong with me, no UNDER TOW, same urges which make me feel better if my car has a dent on one side, and I rather not fix it, shiny perfect things scare me, its walking the fine line, but as long as I am sick everything will be allright.

I had to buy Kiana her chocolate milk before I come to work, she wanted bagel with creme cheese too, loving her is such a pleasure, she rewards you every time, by her recognition, by her gestures, by her wonder, I also tried an Ice coffee this morning, actually not bad, not bad at all, the coldness of it allows you to taste the milk, the coffee, and the nutty flavor even seprately, so it was all tingles in my mouth, and my tongue was very happy delivering new tastes to me. driving to work, as you know I like familiar territories, so Dido again, no it is not the only CD I have in the car, I have at least five others, Norah Jones,....... but these days and for a number of days lately, DIDo has been delivering the right sound to me, and the lyrics, okay I will stop, no more praising Dido. It is like praising Cyrus, I enjoy the praising so I do it regularly, wondering if anybody else enjoy, not Cyrus, but Dido as much as I do.

Anyway, driving down here, I was listening to the music with the sunroof open, the windows open the air rushing in, and an amasing calmness all around and about me, certain happiness, satisfaction, so I asked myself, if I had a chance to live my life again would I do anything different?, one of my friends asked me that question once walking half drunk in streets of Manhathan. I answered him the same way, NO, there would be no need, and if I had the chance I probably do it the same exact way, maybe I will be kinder to those I love, but I would not change other's treatment of me. would you ?

We all do make mistakes, and we all have failliers in life, but those mistakes and failliers are as much yours as your victories and successes, and in many ways they are responsible and the base of how you have come to this point, so you get to claim them, accept them, take responsibility for them, and they become yours, the foot prints, the map of your life, a little left turn here maybe, a little right there, your deviations, your choices, and they are okay.

well another 2000mg of Tylenol, would set the day in the right direction; Are you getting enough hugs theses days, I mean bear hugs, long hugs, has her or his lips melted in your mouth lately, making you wanting more, are you as thrilled as me watching women in summer dresses, do you sometime allow yourself to ache for someone or something, have stayed up all night with the beloved talking, watching the sunrise, any walks by the beach, have been scared lately, allowing your heart to pump faster, when was the last time or have you ever went skinny dipping with strangers, are you getting enough love in your life, are you giving enough love to others around you, are you missing any one, or do you think there are people out there missing you. when was the last time you stayed naked in front of the mirror, are you getting enough orgasems in your life, are you lonely, are you happy, did she leave you, or you left her, do you remember the first time you made love, do you remember his or her name,DO YOU?
DOES LIFE STILL THRILL YOU, ARE YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE. do you let the ice cream drip on your chin, when was the last time you ate with your hands, do you enjoy Oral sex, do you know your body, do you know hers, or his body, do you still hum , and a certain happiness finds you when that song plays on the radio, have you swam far away from the shore, or take a walk in the woods, would you risk everything for that perfect stranger that has known you and been looking for you, the silent one, that comes and takes you away for an afternoon some where outside your zone. Are you getting what you want or getting what you need is good enough.

Do you think I am over medicated and would this rant ever end. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 08:45 AM | Comments (3)

June 08, 2005

Young Iraqi girls

Iraqi girl.jpg

Now there is a future even for girls in Iraq

Posted by Idinraha at 03:21 PM | Comments (0)

The Girl on the bridge

I do enjoy European Movies. They are much more intimate than the American ones, they are more poetic, and in many respect less graphic. They used lots of CLOSE-UPS, and that brings you in, makes you feel closer to the subject. They also treat sex in the movies very differently, it is actually more discreat and sesuall. One of the most erotic scenes I have seen in a movie, was a scene with Bridgite Bordot, washing her priest cousins hands in the sink, standing behind him, and two pair of hands flowing in running water, I also have an American favorite, one that goes way back, and we do get to watch it every christmass, the movie, ITS A WONDERFULL LIFE, the scence, where James Stewart, and his sweet heart Donna Reed, are standing very close trying to listen and talk on the phone together, it is a fabolous scene, check it out next christmass.

I watched -The Girl On the Bridge yesterday, its a fine movie, lyrical, and very intimate, if you come across it, rent it and watch
it. I think American Movies try to reach that level of intimacy and closeness with their Independent Movies, MIRIMAX was a pioneer in independent movies, and WEINSTEIN BROTHERS, made a ton of money doing it, but recently they lost their way, and after DISNEY bought the compony, it got ride of them two. Harvey Winstein lives here and we do see him around the town, with his blonde wife and blonde kids and usually a black nanny.

Breakfast at Tiffany, is one of my favorite movies, based on Truman Capotte book, with the ever elegant Ms Audry Hepburn, and George Peppard, as the aspiring actor.and of course Mansini's Music, and the song, MOON RIVER. whenever I catch it on the tube I sit and watch, I also love, Accidental TOURIST, one of the most under rated movies of all time, and William Hurts acting probably the best I have ever seen , so subtle, and penetrating, one of the best acting of all time, next to F.MURRY ABRAHAM's in the AMADEUS. Accidental Tourist, is so seamless, so lyrical, the way the movie rolls, every scene, every shot, and William Hurts haunting face, his movement, the way he seems so indifferent to every thing that has happened to him, so damaged, and how he finds his salvation, makes me ache every time I see it.

As i told you last night somewhere between sleep and consciousness I figured out where i am going with the book, you see you create the carachters, and once you put them on the paper they show you the way, they have their stories within them and they tell you, you just have to0 listen and write them down. I have figured out the new carachter that will be introduced in the next chapter, you have already heared about her;SOPHIE, she is something else, very damaged, very beautiful and very smart, i have also figured out two more carachters that would be added in the second chapter. I have sent the first chapter to Dr, B, and have asked two of my friends here to review it too, I think I will wait to hear from the three of them before I start the second chapter. As usuall My friend and guardian Cyrus gets to read every thing first, he has read the first chapter so far, but you kno0w how hard it is to get a comment out of him.

I am at work today, taking my medicine, and sweating like a pig, I do feel a bit better, but I still am weak, and walk like an eighty years old man. I will post you another one of my new poems, and thanks to all of you for your generous sentiments. LIFE IS GOOD

ILL

Posted by Idinraha at 02:34 PM | Comments (0)

Strep Throat rules

well, I went home early yesterday, around three thirty, Got home, and wen straight to bed, I had taken the two Zetromax the doctor had ordered, and about 2000mg of Tylenol, before I left the store, so by the time I got home, I was feeling a bit better. I slept untill seven thirty, when i woke up I was all wet from sweating, and then got a bad chill, so another pair of sox, another sweater, and I moved downstairs to see the kids, and have somke grab, I could not eat much, I had a few dry toast, a long glass of Orange Juice, and another dosage of Tylenol, and I was back upstairs, somewhere between sleep and consciousness, I was going over the Book in my head, and made lots of progress, I have SOPHIE fleshed out pretty much, and also Nair Ben saad, the oher new carachter, I also have a more clear vision of what has happened to get us to this point, well playing around with those vision in my head, I was half sleep and very busy till 9:30, then i went downstairs after cheching on my two beauties sleeping. and sat down to watch HOUSE md, and enjoyed it, then LAW&Order at Ten, and I was ready to go back upstairs, Took Two Advil to help my throbing head, and back in bed, the chills and sweats were back, I was drowning in a pool it seemed, the advils knocked me out, and up at five, another 2000mg of Tylenol, another Zetromax, Maqrjan was up she asked me if I would be staying home for the next two hours, I answered positive, and she went to the GYm. Today is Wedenesday, and the Boat JULIA will be crossing the sound. WE were invited to join the crossing, the kids are happy skipping school, and Marjan has made one of her famous SALADS, enough for twelve people, and of course I can not go, the blipping, blipping strep throat.

Well last night we hade told Amin and Kiana that they should not get close to daddy. Of course Amin does not give a damn, he has to get his hug, but Kiana stays away. still they both came and kissed daddy's hand before they went to sleep. So this morning, Kiana spent a good hour with me talking, she did not even rush down stairs to get her Chocolate milk, she needed some daddy dosage. I took another nap, took a shower, and back in the store. My throat still hurts, I feel kinda empty in my tommy, probably the side effects of the Zetromax, I can not wait to go back to the Gym again, but I think I have to0 wait untill next week, so as You see I am giving you the blow by blow ( as cyrus says) of the sequences of my sickness, thanks for all your get well wishes, Cyrus did send me some Dry soups, his own concosion, I just have to add hot water, I have not dared yet. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 10:22 AM | Comments (0)

June 07, 2005

Hit and run

last night on the way home I was listening to the classic rock station, and MEATLOAF, came on with Bat outa hell song. It was fun, I had not heard that one in a long time. Once home, I had Marjan's special salad fo0r dinner, It did take me, fourty five minutes to chew it down, it was delicious, about ten minutes later, suddenly I felt I had been hit by a ten ton truck, I could not stand up, or walk, all my bones, my joints hurt, My head throbbed and I had a sore throat, I got myself upstairs and fell in my bed, that was about eight oclock, I got up about twelve, took another set of pills, and got back to sleep. I saw Houtan this morning , and he said I have strep throat, so another few Tylenol, and ZITROMAX to rescue, I do feel awfull, but this would pass too.

My Darling Cyrus has left us a wonderfull, beautifuly written comment on the story of Creation, so has Chey, Inasy, and SL, thank you all, forgive me bu now I have to go put my head down, incidently the poem POILAR GHOST, is doing gangbusters on POETS.COM, lots of great reviews and five stars. LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:39 PM | Comments (4)

June 06, 2005

Monday Monday

This morning I woke up feeling my whole right hand was numb, well I got scared, but I told myself, it's the right hand, dont get alarmed, and it had gotten that way, since my Darling Amin had joined me in the middle of the night, and was sleeping on my arm. The Gym was busy
and crowded, I did my two hours, took a shower and got to the store.

My new poems on POETS.COM are getting great reviews, and I am on the verge of getting my 4000 stars rather soon. It is always nice to get confirmation on my little babies. I also sent some of them to Dr B, and she likes them too. I did find a new poet on the site also, she writes confessional poetry, and does a good job at it, I am gonna try to hook up with her, and after while maybe invite her to come and visit us here.

This afternoon I got a visit from Dr, B, she emailed me yesterday, that she could not come and see me at the store over the weekend with her Husband and son, but she could come and see me for coffee. And it was a blast, I showed her the pictures of my lovely wife Marjan, and my two beauties Kiana, and Amin, she liked my store. and then we went next door and talked for two hours, over coffee. She is so encouraging about my poetry, and is guiding me toward different piblishers and Journals to submitt my works. And it is so wonderful when you can talk to somebody as intelligent and kind as her, she thinks I should write a memoire. I am hoping to invite her and her family to our house for Barbecue and swimming one of these days, she has a nine year old son, and I warned her if her son meets my beautiful Kiana, he will fall in love with her.

It is rather hot here today, summer is here, and the weather is nice. I have come up with new ideas in my head about my book, where we visit next would be probably with Sophie, the new carachter in life of Malculm and Brian. If you have not checked the Book part of the site, push the icon and once there push chapter one, I have close to twenty paragraph there and maybe one or more and I have completed the first chapter. so try it and leave me some comments. Ferry has posted a picture of my bare butt on his site under the heading SHE, so check him out on LIVELIFE, and tell me how you like my picture.

yesterday i posted one of my new poems, POLAR GHOST, here, it was inspired by information I got from Dr, B at our last visit. She had taken a trip with one of her friends to ICELAND, to0 see the country and finish her lates book, and I got to write my version of it. My chewing obsession and the excersise has helped me to lose seven pounds, and I look prettier than ever, and I am happy about my new dicipline. Try the chewing things and let me know what you think about it, as usuall my new obsession is killing my wife sitting at the table with me for dinner, while I chew, and chew and chew. God give her patient. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 03:28 PM | Comments (1)

June 05, 2005

Inherit the wind

"He who hath trouble in his house, shall inherit the wind, and the fools succumb to wise......"

Just saw the movie, I can never resist a movie with Spencer Tracy in it, and it is a grand one. so what would it be, Evolutiuon, or the seven days of the creation. It is so hard to deny the evolution theory, it sounds right, and by now even proven right, so what one to do with the religion. Believing in God, and all the prophets, the holly wars, the crusades, Adam and Eve, and above all, the believers.
What is one to do.

Believing in God has been such a cornerstone of my beliefs. Believing in GOOD, and Bad. But as Fereydoon had said in his rant, as I am getting older the doubts do come through, bit by bit they sip in, and corrupt the serenity of my acceptance. You know, it is the quality of the life I live believing in God, it is the trust and the submission, leaning in faith and paying forward toward its mercy. There is a certain security in it. The other day I had a client and he told me he is an athiest. I told him he is a brave man, heck I am not that brave, that confident, but I am sure if I was brought up in a different society, and different morality was installed within me, it would have been different. The thing is tghat as I am gettinbg older, I find more reasons to believe in god, and more reasons for believing in evolution. So let us put is this way.

First there was God and nothing else, he set up the rules, the laws of beings, what holds, and moves everything toward its being and begining, and then he just took a seat and watched. No Adam, or Eve,
no those are stories that made sense within the knowledge and sofistications of their time, how would you explain evolution to people who are illetarate. I mean if we had recieved our prophits in the middle of twentirth century, they could not sell us on Adam and Eve. The problem is the sequences of the time, and a bit of shuffle might had made things easier. all and all you believe in God with your heart, and accept science with your head, one factual and one abstract, you figure it your own way.

Well good news to my hemosexuall friends, our lesbians, Bi sexualls, and Bi curious ones. The scientists in London have found a way to prove that hemosexuality is by nuture and not nurture, the culprit is a gene that upon injecting it to a female fruit fly had made her to walk around in soft shoes and going for Conchita rather than Manuel.
I should say though that does not justify our Bi sexuall friends since they are getting it both ways!, nature, and nurtue. so live and let live, it is their nature they are at no fault, they are just drawn that way.

Next week, our funny politicians would be back in the congress, to fight a bit more over the other judges, and of course the beloved Mr, Bolton. I do think that we need a person of Mr, Bolton's carachter and sensibilities in the UN, since the corruption and the helplesness of the culture in that organisation had made it even weeker, and less necassary than eve. I also think Mr Jackson should be left alone, and if any parents allow their kids to be toyed by him, they should be charged with greed, and dangering a minor. The housing market is still running hot hot hot,so please no forecast of its demise from the ones seate3d on the sides. There is lots of money in the economy, and as long as the interest rates are as low, that market will be sizzling.I still think the sex offenders and the child molesters should be casterated upon their first offence, or sentenced to life in prison with no paroll, we are paying a high price for our leaniance toward them. and lets for God sake not celebrate victumhood, and the latest addicted celebrities who suddenly have found the truth and are trying to go cold turkey.

Remember we reap what we sow, so lets be careful out there. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 02:46 PM | Comments (6)

June 04, 2005

Family autographs

Well this is for all the men, We do not know how to take care of ourselves. Women do. How many times you have been wating in bed, watching her put lotion on her legs, arms, face. The moisterizer, the latest mask of fruits, oils, or weeds. You see it is not the actuall doing it but the intention behind it, yes I will take care of myself, I will look for dry patches on my skin, I will not forget to put that lotion on my legs, they are trained to do that, by their mothers, watching their mothers, and grandmothers............. When was the last time any of you guys took a bubble bath, with a gloass of wine and candle light, I guess not huh. You do not remember do you, I am not talking about your girlfriend in college pushing you in the tub and taking adavantage of you reluctantly. But you coming home tired, and decide to reward yourself with a warm bath, a glass of wine, and maybe your favorite book.NAH

I started thinking about this watching, WILL AND GRACE, when grace is depressed, and comes home to fine Will having a bubble bath, and Will says, I thought you will be depressed, and you might need a bath, but it looked so good I got in myself. We have come a long way though, there is lot more hair products out there, we put plugs on our bald heads, there are a lot more nose jobs, and face lifts,(don't even go there, and start me on that), we do excersise more, and some of us even try a bit of make up once in a while. But not the Bubble bath, if we find ourselves alone at home, we will find other unmentionable excersise to occupy our time.

When I was in college, at Setton Hall, there was a course thought by a Jesuet priest called PLAY. The focus of the game was finding the role of PLAYING, and its necassity in adult life. How it helps us become more balanced in our every day life. It was very interesting, since only when we are at Playing, we get to the state of not thinking, not worrying, and as we all know that is the ultimate state. THINKER WITHOUT THE THOUGHT. of course all of this coming fro0m a man who has not had a vacation in nine years. But I do get to play as you all know by my writing, by my role playing, and all I do, or at least that is how I convince myself.

My sweet son Amin is showing lots of improvement, last night we were at Julia's house for David's sixteenth birthday, as usuall she had out done herself, Great appetizers, cheeses, home made wine, and all kinds of barbecues, we ate to our hearts delight, I am still on my CHEWING regimen, which make me enjoy my food more, and not eat as much, for the first time after the dinner, I did not feel bloated, and was very happy about my new experiment. Everybody was surprised to see Amin playingt with the kids outside, some of the guest did not even recognised him since he did not used to be present at the parties most of the time, playing games downstairs.

And My precious Kiana came up with her latest idea, producing a white piece of the paper, put the date on it, and the title, FAMILY AUTOGRAPHS, and then she got every one, big and small to sign their names on it, and took it home as her new little tressure. Every one was delighted to see her new project and willingly signed the paper.
We all taked about MR Moayeddi, our very own DAYEE JAN NAPOLEONE, He passed away a few days ago in Iran, He and his wife had become a part of the family and were present at most of the family parties. He was Eighty Five years old, and died in sleep. The last of old Iranaina Gentlmen, a polotician who had held many Jobs in SHASH'S government, well spoken, well read, and always dressed up in suite and ties, we all talked about him shared memories, we will miss him. so the weekend is here, and as ever, LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 09:49 AM | Comments (3)

June 03, 2005

Flirting with disaster

That's the title of a Ben Stiller Movie, and one very funny movie, if you like to laugh out loud and roll on the floor, watch it.last week i also had a chance to watch MOTOR CYCLETTE DIARIES, a road movie about CHEGOVARA, and his long trip around the South American continent. It is a good movie, worth watching. So did any of you get the chance to watch EMPIRE FALLS on HBO. Cinderalla Man, looks like a good movie too, with Russel Crowe, probably the best actor of his generation, Directed by Ron Howard, their last colabration brought aclamation and two oscars for Ron Howard. This one should probably do the same.

So how you all doing with summer, any vacations planned, special projects. Today I caught up with my effort in writing my book, and added a few more paragraph to it. All together we have about twelve paragraphs of the first chapter, that should make Cyrus happy since he spent time creating that section of the site. i recieved a message from an old friend asking me " why are you talking about such private subjects on the Internet ?", I told him , he should read the whole thing then he would know. I am having a good time reading all of the material that DR, B gave me, and have made another connection with MeTal, reviewing her new poem, and hopefully she will be back to us soon.

We got some very funny comments from Cyrus, and Shrink lady about the last picture I posted,BUDDIES, try to read them, I also got some comments from CHEY, she is alive and well, getting settled in MARTHA'S VINEYARD, and trying to get a taste of all the bachellor men on the island, good luck CHEY. My LiL sis Maryam left us a comment wondering about my new obsession,CHEWING, Ferry also left us a comment about that. Life goes on, DIDO still sounds good, actually listening to her last night on my way home, I came up with the idea of what to write in the book today. I have four new poems posted on POETS.COM, which I have not posted here yet, I probably will get to them over the weekend, wishing you all a fun , happy weekend, LIFE IS GOOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:00 PM | Comments (1)

June 02, 2005

My food , my lover

I am restless, and that is good, the winter is passed and so has the spring, and summer is upon us. I will get to sit and watch all the pretties in their summer dresses, so inticing, making me think that i owe so much to my sight, as much of it that I have. Summer brings colors, and skin, the delicious patch of skin that the summer girls get to expose between their very fashionable tops, and their hip hugging, back baring pants, I am the feverish student of the girls watching school, and god knows that every face , every bare arms and torso does sustain me more than i deserve.

My new obsession dejoure these days is chewing, yes chewing my food as long as I can in my mouth, allowing the food to circle within my mouth, touches the top of my mouth, inside my cheecks, as long as I can and I have come to appriciate the new sense of tastes it brings me, I do not eat my food any more, I make love to it, like a carefull lover, all foreplay, and no intercours. Yesterday, I took my time, and ate my sandwich in fourty minutes, I tasted every thing in it, in nibbles and small bites, I touched the bread with my lips and tasted it within my mouth before I tear into it, as carefully and as patiently as i do when when I go down on my beloved. i tasted the texture of the meat, the solid dense fabric of it, the tomatoes, the hot pepper spread, the onions, and the cheese, as it burned my mouth, the whole wonder of it.

Europeans have a much more romantic idea of eating, they take their time, and treat their food with respect, not a one night stand, and a quick in and out. I think, like dancing, the way a man eats shows how good a lover he is, the way he taste his food, and treasure the essence of it, the tastes. i amtalking canddle lights, rose petalls,
and silk sheets, sucking toes, and licking tighs, taking your time, and simmering in anticipation, blowing breath in the directions of her, touching lips, and getting there misty humid, but sober. So next time you are sitting at a table with a plate of food in front of you, look at it as a lover, that you get to eat, and allow it to nourish you bit by bit. give it a face, lips, a long neck, porcelin shoulders, bossoms and nipples, give it limbs, and take your time, allow you eyes to feast on it and than thread lighty, enjoy it.

And my beautifull wife Marjan ia aware of my new obsession and she is patient with me, since she knows the geography of my addictions, last night i was still at my dish, after she had ate hers, and I needed another twenty minutes, and even then i was only half into it, so I got up, I had enough, and she greeted me with a knowing smile, shaking her head, thinking this would pass too.

Eight hours of sleep last night, my body is getting what it needs, I missed the Gym but I am gonna go in a while, and get me sweting, i need it and i will have it. I feel thigher in my muscles, more dense, and it feels good, the bump in the middle is going down little by little, I feel poems coming, the restlesness of it has settled in already, I just had to go there, where the certain ghosts of knowings are waiting for me, they have tales to tell and I can not wait. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 09:49 AM | Comments (4)

June 01, 2005

Dr B to rescue

Yesterday I met Dr Kim Bridgeford, my teacher for lunch at Fairfield University. She greeted me with open arms, still kind, and considerate as ever, and before you know it we were deep in talk, I talked mostly and she listened gracioucly. I had always felt a keenship with her, from the moment I met her. We talked about poetry of course, our lives, our kids, our better halfs. She brought me lots of goodies, generous as she has always been with me. She also signed her two poetry books for me- UNDONE, and -INSTEAD OF MAP.

I have read UNDONE cover to cover, and if any of you love poetry at its best, you should buy the book. Dr B also gave me her new book, which I will be reading soon, INSTEAD OF MAP. Well Twelve years has passed since I had seen her last, but it was like we were still in her poetry workshop. She has given me a few names and adresses of people that might like my poetry, and might publish them, I am greatfull, and planning to keep in touch with her and see her soon, maybe even take one of her classes.

Life goes on, business is till dragging, Friday night we are over Julia's house again, It is David's sixteenth birthday, and he such a wonderfull kid, I still remember when he was born, with his blonde hair and Blue eyes, kinda standing out amongst all of us with our dark brown or bkach hair and eyes. He is now taller than his father(the tallest amongst us at6'2"), and probably has a good future if he wants as a bascket ball player.

I am still at it with my excercise, one and half to two hours a day, and have made improvement to get back my girlish figure, and maybe fit in that tiny Yellow polka dot bikini. I have written two new poems, HER FIRST MISTER, and INDULGANCE, A PUBLIC DISPLAY. i hope to post them here soon. LIFE IS GOOD

Posted by Idinraha at 10:08 AM | Comments (4)

May 30, 2005

Evening delight

Just another day in paradise, another manic sunday, and I do not wish that it was monday, days are the same here in the land of OZ. Sometimes i wonder that this working seven days a week might put permanent damage on me, but eh, when you start damaged, there is so far they can take you. as they say: I have seen it much bigger than this.

Well marjan called me in the afternoon, I had been sitting in the store all day, watching the walls, and TV. Amin had taken over the computer( no that was Saturday, I get my days confused uhoh), and there was no way for me to purge, only one customer showed up all day. Well normal people, usually go away on three days weekend. or spend the day outside, playing Golf, going down the beach, swimming.
Marjan said, that Julia and Amir have invited us fo0r Dinner at their boat. They bought a 40 feet Boat last year, and went to special school to learn how to navigate it. That was good news, since Julia always serves all kind of goodies, with home made red wine, with large pieces of peaches soking inside.

I went home by five o'clock, Marjan and the kids were ready, I was in such a foul mood, nobody could talk to me, Micheal, and Steven also came with us. Once b y the water, i felt much better, there is something about water that relaxes me. We were not supposed to go anywhere with the boat, just relax in the boat as it was ducked. Once in the boat I went on the deck, and layed there for a few minutes, relaxing, then Julia brought the appetizers, and the wine, I was in hog heaven after eating some, and drinking my first glass of wine. The wether was great but there was a possibility of passing showers, and thunder strom and that was the reason they had decided not to go to the sound, and just stay put.

There was great Music, mostly Jazz, and plenty of wine, they picked up Pizza for every one, and we had great dinner, I do not get the chance to eat Pizza and this was quite right by me. Kids played down under, where they have a stiing area, a TV, and some beds, and we sat and talked. After dinner Julia made Italian coffee with Samboca, and uh the taste of the coffee and the tinge of the liqoure was out of this world. Then Amir, Marjan, and the kids went for a walk to get some Ice Cream, Julia, David, and me stayed put, just relaxing and talking. By then the Black clouds and Thunder had come and the guys were caught in the rain. When they came back, Kiana was wet and a bit shaken, since she is scared of thunders. The boat was covered so we sat trough the rain and the thunder, and left by around Ten thirty. Amir, Julia and the kids were staying in the boat over night.

This morning I got up feeling reffreshed, and full of energy, It was the magic of the evening we had spent with our hosts on the water that had made feel so good. i went to the Gym, did my excersise, and came back to the store. I guess this proves to me, that I do need some R&R after all. Hopefully I get to take a few days off this swummer, spend a little bit more time on the water, and give myself a break. I hope you all have a wondefull Memorial weekend.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:12 AM | Comments (1)

May 28, 2005

Buddies

Posted by Idinraha at 04:57 PM | Comments (6)

Saturday afternoon

At the begining of these pages i told every one that we will stay away from politics, and Fereydoon posted a comment that he would not be able to do that since politics specially at these times is such a major part of our lives. Well he was right and wheather we want it or not we are talking about it and we should. We agree to disagree, and we will listen to each other, and respect each other's opinions.

Amin is sleeping by himself now, as I said before and last night again Kiana and I slept on the floor of her room, till she found sleep and I left. After ward I went to our bedroom, Marjan was awake, and we talked the way married people do. There is something very intimate about such talks, although it mostly is about your children, but the intimacy of it is so satisfying. I told Marjan how I miss Amin, and feel a desperate need in me to connect to him, maybe on a different level now, but I need more of him in my life than I am getting.

He is so different now, he is a big boy, last night before we go to Julia's house he stood infront of me, majoring himself against me, he is now a bit higher than my chin, he smiled and told me he is catching up with me, and I told him soon I would be up to his chin.
This morning I did not go t0o the Gym, I have spent every mornings at the Gym the last twenty days, and I needed some time with my boy. I found him downstairs playing with his card, I sat a bit away from him and watched him playing," what are you doing daddy", he asked, " just sitting here watching my one and only son" I said. I knew I could not crowd him and I had to let him come to me. He did in a while, we talked while sitting acro0ss each other, I asked him to go for a walk with me, he did not want to, so I told him I am there to do what ever he wanted to, and maybe not doing anything at all , just talking. We agreed on a board game of Star Wars, and played for quite a while. Kiana Joined us after half an hour and soon Marjan was up too. I had found him down stairs at six thirty this morning, and I was with him untill nine. Afterward I took a shower and left.

Last night we were at Julia's house, she was celebrating Antonio, her nephew's graduation. As usuall the food was delicious, the drinks fabolous and the company fine. I had Four Margaritas, and a beer, so I was feeling no pain, but when one of the guests asked me to gou out with him to grab a smoke, I excused myself, and told him, my Daughter would not like me to do that. He said, but she id downstairs, she would not know, to which I said, she is a woman, and women always know, no matter how hard you try, they know.

I am hoping to hit the Gym tomorrow and get me sweatin, and achin after an hour or two, it would be nice, I have been drinking tons of water all day, to get myself clean inside, and it feels good. Tonight we will go over Akram's house, as we do every Saturday night, breaking bread with the same usuall suspects, it should be fine, and I look forward to it. In cidently I wrote a poem Yesterday, -HER FIRST MISTER, which has gotten a few five stars on the POETS.COM, I might post it here tomorrow, till then, see you in the movies.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:30 PM | Comments (0)

May 27, 2005

Politics, Judges, and 2008

Well dear SL, the coutry as a whole is turning more conservative that it ever has. all the filth that we are being fed by the hollywood crowd, television, and internet helps that also. Parents have to be conservative at least about the val;ues and preserving them for the sake of their kids. Danny has two mommy or sara has two daddys have hurt many parents and their sensibilities, whether we like it or not this society has been based on Judeo Christian values, and what goes on in it in the name pf freedom of speech is scary.

Do you know that Fellatio is so very commom amongst the fifth graders in elementry schools. I did not know that, till one of my clients who does have two daughters brought that to my attention. we are not worried about our teen agers any more its our 10 and 11 years ols that we have to watch out for. of course Ms, Sheehy's book which in it it talks about her own experiences as a teen ager, and celebrates Fellatio as a right of passage for any girl to womanhood, and New York Times celebrating Ms, Sheehy and every thing that she has endorsed does not help our cause either.

There always should be a fine balance in a society, and once we deviate to one side, the pondlum will bring us back, it is cause and effect. Bill Clinton's shamless antiques was one of the reasons that George Bush was brought to power, and on the surface he shows to be much more moderate than conservatives want him to be. Christian Right is in a survival mode, and will be happy to keep as much influence that it has. 0And every president has the right to enjoy nominating people of his own ideology to the bench, and remember you do not see any conservative Judges trying to legistlate from the bench, only Liberal ones do. Judges are only to shape their opinions based on the consitution, and as much it allows it. Conservative law scho0llars are not the ones trying to change the constitution, calling it a living constitution, its Liberal ideologs who are trying to change every law to their own whims and agenda.

The minorities, Blacks and Hispanics have a value system deeply rooted in religion, and that is the reason that more and more of them flock to the conservative side. As they prosper and become a part of Middle class Americans, they also do not see any advantages in wellfare system, and they like to keep more of the money they earn. Republicans and their tax cutting mantras do appeal to them more now than ever. Thinkingt americans know that SURPLUS only means that the government has chrged them more than it should, it is their money, and believe me they also like to have a say in the money they earn rather than have it ear marked for the latest Pork barrel expenses.
They also have come to realise that budget deficits are the necassary evil, specially in time of war, and they do not mind to bare the cost of the deficit if it helps their security in their own country.

The way I see it, Democrats have lost their base of their power, by losing the congress, they have not had the executive office for the last five years, and Judicial branch had become their only hope to have some power to control the government. George Bush will get his judges on the bench, he has shown an amzing savy in getting what he wants, and probably we will hqave two vacancies in the supreme court by end of the year. He will nominate the first hispanic for the supreme court and we will have also another black Justice on the supreme court.

Democrats election of Dean as their head of DNC shows that they still are so mislead in their aspirations for the presidency, the only Democrat that was elected for two terms was Bill Clinton and he got it by being a moderate and stealing the republican issues from them. So a left leaning head of DNC would not be the remedy they need. And if they nominate Hillary Clinton, another left leaning idealog, from a North East state, they will lose again. this counryt is not ready for a woman presdient specially one with her kind of baggages.

In the end the only solution for Democrat is to come up with the moderate nomennie, who understand and realises how this country is more conservative leaning than ever.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:57 PM | Comments (1)

planning and dreaming with B&H

H;how do you see it?
B: Well we have a lot to do, it is not gonna be as easy.
H; So, you are the master, do that woodoo you do so well.
B; We will do as we did the last time, but we have to get over the
gender problem, they are many yahoos in this country that would not vote for a woman.
H; well this aint just any woman honey and Dems are so desperate to win, they would fight for me.
B; the primary is in the bag, John does not have a parayer, his charming boyish good look can take him so far, and he lost lot of credibility the way Dick bitch slapped him. and I do not see anybody else having the name recognition and the grass root support the way we do. It's the general election that I am not sure about.
H; you promissed suga and you better deliver.
B; I will find a way, oh I heard Dick might run for it, I guess the old ticker feels allright.
H; But he will have all the baggage from George's war to deal with, although it would make it look like George's third term, in a way people always like status quoe, keeping everything the way we were, and if this God damn war does not finish by then we have to deal with that too.
B; we will have the press helping us with that, we will start the assualt in early 2006, and maybe we make a good dent in it before 2008
comes around
H; they did not deliver the last time what makes you think they would this time. We have to deal with the same players, and maybe stay away from the Hollywood crowd, they would not be as receptive.
B; dont worry about them, Babs would make sure we get enough of them
on our side, maybe we should visit california more often, we do need them.
H; I am not sure, and you know all of this would not get us there if those son of a bitches start another war with North Korea, or Iran.
B; well we are going as planned, I am raising my profile with the UN, and staying in the news, they have always been sympetatic to me, and you know they still remember how good they had it when I was running the show, all that money , the surplus, we should remind them over and over again, they would not be able to resist it.
H; yup
B; I can not wait to go back there, nothing feels like sitting in that office.
H; but you better remember who will be sitting behind the desk.
B; I know, but you let me sit there once in a while Baby.
H; Just take me there and you can sit any place you want, I think all this talk is gettting me horney
B; I would love to oblige honey, but you kno0w with ma heart and all, why dont you call one of your girlfriends.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:30 PM | Comments (0)

Politics is so funny

And they come , all of them, our represetatives, dressed to the nines, coiffed her, some with their new stapled stomacks, and new found girlish figures, we pay for the privilage of having them, and not long ago we were so happyt with our little darlings performance that we gave them a raise, well we were not consultaed on it, but we did not objected to it either.

Well we do have to be greatfull since we have not had as many contreversies either, I mean like Barney Frank, our beloved gay congressman, hiring hookers on his payroll, or the one that was accused of having a relati0onship with his young male pages. Remember the postage fiasco, or the checking dilemma with our representive, cashing checks at the senate banks with no funds available. If only Jefferson, and Madisson knew, I am sure they would have come up with some provision to remedy all this. But our dear founding fathers, have bigger problems to worry about, I mean with all this new things coming up, like the confference in Yale university to change the constitution and give it an extreme make over, the whole idea of a living Constitution.

Our dear Mr MacCane, the Maverick in the senete, who keeps his face alway in the news media, by his bravery, staying at the graces of the Liberal Media. He is such a moderate, still feeling the pain of the spancking he got from Mr Bush in North Carolina that derailed his presidential aspirations. Probably the most dangerous Republican senator we have. The Darling of elite media, New York Times, and Chris Mathews who love to play Soft Ball with him any day of the week.
Yes he took the leadership power away from Senator Frist by the coalition he made with sic other glassy eyed moderate republicans, and seven moderate Democrats, to ho0ld off on The Nucliar option, and come up with an agreement which does not bind any of the two parties to anything. Yes it does ask the president to forgo his exacutive priviledge and confer with the senate on his judicial nominations, before he submitts them.

This morning Oron Hatch, the head of the senior member of the Judicial committe, talking to Don Imus, was so complementery of all Mr, MacCane's eforts, and how it so accidently coinsided with the
premier of the movie that was made based on Mr MacCane's Biohraphy, THE HONOR OF MY FATHERS, on TNT television, this weekend. who knew Mr, Maccane could be so crafty. I do think that Mr MacCane and his new protoge Lindsy Graham would recieve a great Thank you from the republican's at the next election Cycle. And for MacCane's aspiration to become a president, as they say it in NO yok, Fogetaboutit.

And about that agreement, it sems it is getting what it is due, by democrats trying to block, Mr Bolton's nomination to represent us at that mess of an organisation UN. Mr Bolton will get the vote once the senate convines after the holidays, but Democrats could not help it, showing their teeth, and feeling better about their complete lack of power, and the disarray that they have amongst themselves. Also Mr Dean the head of the DNC, did admitt this week that for the longest time democrats have taken BLACK VOTES for garaunted and they should try harde to keep them in their folds. I think Mr Bushes last election and the increase of the black votes for him and the republicans, has got something to do with it. Democrats always talk about Black's progress in this contry, but it was republican who got the first black secretary of state, and the first black female for the same post. And demo0crats are the ones that are blocking all the black and spanish judges that are nominated by Mr, Bush.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:20 AM | Comments (2)

May 26, 2005

Around and about

I like to buy Rob Thomas's new album, I always liked him, with MATCH BOX TWENTY, with Santana, and now his first solo album. I am still enjoying DIDO very much. There a new movie out CRASH, that is getting great reviews, and many good actors play in it. Summer always brings the shoot them up movies, but if you look hard enough they are some little foreign or independently made Gems in there too.

I miss going to Broadway and catching a play or a Musical, I read Dr B's poetry book, cover to cover, it is so breathtakingly undrestated and full of grace, full of magical observations. I wish I could find another book like, WRITTEN ON THE BODY, that could take me away, EARTHQUICK BIRD was also so very fine, in its intimacy, and the abstract vision of its writer. There is a good movie coming up on HBO, EMPIRE FALLS, the promos look so very good and I can not wait to see it. I like to see another Movie like CLOSER, such a grown up movie, and so close and brutal in depiction of its carachters.

Posted by Idinraha at 04:42 PM | Comments (0)

From Major Tom to Dr B

I got a call from my teacher, it made my day. after huffing and puffing in the Gym this morning for two hours(wheeeew), I came to the store and recieved a massege from her on the phone. She has been to my pages,(I am greatful Dr B ), and she likes two of my poems, -her last lover, which in a way is written for delicious Mrs, Anne Sexton, and -their house.

Well I have to be more carefull about what I write now more. She does not know about my shameless ways, although if she reads more she will find out, but she is younger than me, and I am sure she would understand, she is a poet afterall, and a woman. Both are fantastic qualities in my book. You know how some people effect your life, knowingly or unknowingly, well she has helped me a lot in my poetry, and more than anything she has thought me how to REWRITE a poem, how to thigten it up, clean it, and make it better, and anybo0dy who writes knows, there is such a pleasure in that. It is like a sculptor, finnesing with his creation, taking aaway some, and adding some, the process is so deliciously enjoyable to me.

Well, Shrink lady is back, and I am so happy, she adds so much to this diolugue, and as ever her comments are comprehensive and fine.
Maryam, my LiL sis, has left me a comment, asking if I submitted any poetry. the answer is;NO. not yet, I know I got you guys to read a bit more of my poetry, and come up with the list of your favorites, but I am not ready yet. But you know now that I found Dr B, I might ask her for private tutoring again, and with her guidence, who knows, we might get there. So do forgive me, and be patient. Yesterday I wrote a few more paragraph of THE BOOK, it is a work in process, so if you were interested, do go to the book section, I think I have at least seven paragraphs of the first chapter, I wellcome your comments, and feed back.

Amin has become more independent. he told Kiana, and me that the sleeping arrangement is over, and he likes to sleep alone. So last night Kiana and I, made a make shift bed on the floor of her room, since her bed is too small to fit both of us. It was magical, we talked, and I deciphered my favorite Lulaby that I used to sing to both of them when they were infants and todllers,-Annie's Song, by John Denver, " you fill up my senses like a night in the forrest, like a mountain in spring times, like a walk in the rain.....", I sang the song to her, and we went over the words and the meanings, and as always she surprised me with the depth of her knowing, and the promise of so many Diologues we will have, just Kiana and me. before you know it she fell sleep, but about 5;am this morning she was back in my bed, holding to her silly daddy, and sleeping.

last night with Amin busy with his new obsession, STAR WARS, and Marjan being on the phone with Fafar, I got the chance to watch three hours of LAW&ORDER. I enjoyed it as I ussually do. Well no comments from my main man CYRUS yesterday, and none from Fereydoon, Inasy is still busy with her friends pregnancy I guess. Fafar is waiting for her Husband who is travelling, while she looks at the Gag ball and chains and sighs. Chey is probably busy getting settled in her new place, Metal is still absent, I do check her poetry, she has written many new ones, we will wait for her to come back again.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:36 AM | Comments (1)

May 25, 2005

Fillibuster

Well, to my surprise and dismay, there will be no Fillibuster. eh, it would have been exciting, a new direction, a new adventure to a different territory. A sign of life from this long dead body of lesitlature, the senste of the united states of America.

Come to think of it, why do we have senators, and why do we allow them to play their games in the stage of our politics. God knows we have enough representatives in the House. You mean we need more representation. I really do not think so. we should have a reaserch in to this, How usefull the senate has been to the legistlative body, with all its committes and different branches. How well have they done by us, why should the legistlative body be so complex and convaluted. Well the answer probably is, TO PRESERVE THEMSELVES. The same way that Mullahs in our religion and country created a whole new religion for themselves so they can have a control over the masses and preserve themselves, the senators pretty much do the same, GRAB THE POWER and find ways to keep it.

And of course the Nuclear Option would have been a way to simplify the process. The president gets ellected and would have a mandate to nominates his own judges that would share the same political philosophy for the bench, and the senators get to vote up or down for it. No, that would have been too simple and maybe people would have found out how un usefull their senators are. So let's keep the nomenies in the committies and lets brand them as much as we can, and even after that, if it came to the floor of the senate, lets fillibuster them, and not allow the vote, since you would need sixty two votes to break the fillibuster which at this junstion borders on impossible.

Do you know, that republicans trough out the history of this land have never fillibuster a judicial nomine, they have made threats , but have never come to actually do that. So now we have an agreement that allows the senate and up and down vote for three of the judges, and then we will be back to aquare one. Democrats have been all ove the television celebrating a victory. But i don't think so, the only thing that this agreement has brought is to pass three more judges and then go back to negotiations, and stalling of the will of the people

Posted by Idinraha at 02:14 PM | Comments (0)

May 23, 2005

The lonely hunter

Heart is, in all it seeks, the intamacy it needs, togetherness of the sort, where bodies break in desire of a soul, for we live so lonely within us, as the kid in us watches trough the windows of our eyes, and yearns for a meeting, for closeness. Pitty the man who seeks love and all he recieves is passion, for passion as delicious as it is , fleets in the same rush that it comes, leaving only ashes, of desires burned, and we need more,much more.

All of us have been trough it, the first love, the first kiss, long hours of waiting as all we can see is the telephone, and all we wait for is the ring, Long hours of talking on the phone, at fever pitch, telling, listening, while the blood rushes faster trouhg our heads and limbs,remember, " you hang up first", " no you hang up"," I am hanging up, I love you"," you are still there, hang up".

And the first kiss, as precious as any memory, long staying within us, the first pull of the beloved's lips, the taste of her mouth, the texture of her tounge, and all the electric bolts that run within us in a wooch, turning on the lights and the bells, the chimes, and the sweet nectar that sips inside, stronger than narcotics, and the hight we reach, floating within our skin, within the air, how the colors come to view, crisp and vivid, and the birds sing their sweetest songs, the melodies, the rays of the sun, the warmth of life, all transfererd and transformed within you in love.

Every men remembers the first bra they saw, the first time, and the heaving flesh of her bosoms tearing through the cloth. Breasts, one of God's most beautiful creations, supple as it is, standing there in full attention and how beautifully it becomes whole around a nipple,
the lenght of her neck, behind her ears, the soft skin, the lines of her belly coming to the circle of a navel, so beautifully depicted, drawn, the exploration, as your eyes can not believe the beauty it sees, and the need to touch, to smell, to feel to complete and satisfy the thirst of your senses. And the first time you are inside a woman, as she quivers beneath you, all wanting, all submission, acceptance, charity, and love as you look within her eyes, and again complete the circle with a kiss.

God in his wisdom new how far to bound us, how to join us, for we get to taste the forbidden fruit and we get to ask for more, and this wanting becomes the legacy of our survival, our existance. battles would be fought for it, men will be killed, palaces would be burned, and a dynasty of humen get to reign the face of the earth and dream of other planets. It brings power, thirst, it succumbs to none untill it's recieved what it desires, and yet it gets broken, the mighty heart, the lonely hunter.

And yet it is the memory of it that brings us back, wounded, damaged but still yearning for it, as Gallway Kinnel, says in his poem, WAIT, it is the memory of a lost love that brings us to the new one, for we know the wanting, we have tasted the potion, and we need it. So you see Heart has to be a lonely hunter to seek, and recieve what it yearns, the whole history of men has depended on it.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:55 PM | Comments (0)

smoking is bad for you

I hope I have not tried your patience with my rants the last two days, and the dialogue that was held amongst Shrink Lady, Maryam, and me. We got real deep, took a few scabs away, and will wait for healing and new skins. It is my story and my life, however we all have stories like this, or have heard about them. I hope we shed some lights on the subject of relationships in the family units, and the damages that are sometimes left, of course with no ill intentions from any parties, for in our hearts we all do our best to do right by our loved ones, and we are all products of the environments we are nurtured in.

I thank Shrink Lady, and Maryam for their participations and thoughts.
To some extent writing about such subjects are always taxing on me, but my intention from the begining has been not to have any stones unturned, and not to refuse any questions, just a free flow of ideas.
Although when one threads to these kind of tertories, one is always full of doubts, there is never any intension to hurt any one, but a sort of cleansing of the soul. I was very happy, and had thought that my LiL sis would allow us a different view of the subject and I am greatful to her for her contributions on this. Remember its not the matter of being right or wrong, just observation, from different views of the lives we live, and how our past come to hunt us untill we look it in the eye, and somehow find a way to deal with it. People approach this in different ways, and to a large extent a much more private venues are seeked, but I wellcomed the questions when they came since I am very happy of my stand in life, and feel blessed and greatfull for everything that has brought me to this point.

Saturday night we were all together at Akram's house,and as we usually do, Fafar and I, went outside of the house for a cigarette. It seems, either Kiana saw us, or someone told her where we were going, and before we know it, all the kids were outside looking for us. Kiana found us red handed with cigarettes in our hands, she looked me with pain and hurt in her beautiful eyes, and rushed back to the house. It's funny when we were kids we had to hide from our parents for a smoke, and now we have to hide from our kids. When we went back in Miraneh told me that Kiana had locked herself in the bathroom and was crying. I went to her, she let me in, and sat there in front of me sobbing. "Why did you do that daddy ?", she asked, " why did you smoke, everytime we are at parties you go out with Fafar and probably smoke, right?". I felt guilty and small, I assured her that it was a one time thing and promissed not to do it again. She accepted my promise and forgave me. Whe I came out I had to go through the gunlett of Amin, Steven, Tara, and Leila all pointing their fingers at me , telling me how bad smoking was. It was sobering and funny.

Sunday morning I was talkiing to my mother, and told her about what had hapened with Kiana, she laughed and told me she is lucky that she
had only seen you smoking not anything else. when I asked her why she was saying that she told me a little tale, that how at age seven, she had seen her father for the first time with his second wife in his car. you see before that one of her classmates had told her that " your father has two wives", and she had not believed it, and when she asked her aunt about it, her aunt although knew that was the truth, had denied it. Upon seeing her father with his new wife, she had ran about ten blocks back home while crying, with her maid running after her the whole way. Once home she had gone to her mother and sobbed some more. Of course My Grandmother had heard and knew all about it, but they had tried to keep it away from the kids. I asked my mother, if she ever told her dad then?, she said NO, we were so scared of him that we would not have dared. she also gave me another piece of her memories, once she had graduted from the primary school, she had gone to her father and told him, that she wanted to continue her schooling and go to high school. And he had only taken a look at her, without saying a word, showing his displeasure, and how dare she asks such a question. She told me at that moment she felt that she never deserved to go to high school, that was her worth, just knowing enough to read and write. That was the reason that my mother was so adament in bringing up my sister as independent and as tough as she could, and pushed her to go as far as she could. I thought to myself, we have come a long way, yes we have.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:22 AM | Comments (2)

May 22, 2005

Intercourse

Yes you can become independent of your parents financially, which I have been for the last twenty five years. I have always worked in my life, I value hard work, I think it is also a blessing. And the way I see it ( I am sure my sibblings will disagree), I have given much more than I have taken, there is a sense of balance, pride and decency in me, that I get from my mother, one of the most decent, elegant proud people I know, I have to do right by people around me, and I get more pleasure in giving than taking.

But can you become emotionaly independent of your parents, that is whole another story. As a second child I have always seeked my parents' approval, that was the reason that I was in the second grade by the time I was five years old, two years ahead of my peers. that is the reason that having a BS was not enough, and I had to go for my MBA, although I never finished it, since by then I was heavily involved in the family business, and was making good money. I had to be better than anybody else, I had to marry the prettiest girl from the best family I could ( that one I achieved ). I always had to have the classiest girl friends, the most beautiful. Just had to

I am a proud man who has made his many mistakes, and like any other things in my life, my mistakes were even bigger than the others. I know myself, I know I am not the best of my kind, there are many smarter, harder working, nicer Iranian men in this country, that do a lot more than me, but i never stop trying. I am a generous , kind man, who does value people more than money. I have given away so much in my life, to the disamy of my wife, and even endangering my own econimical salvancy. I have effected many lives, and that is the source of pride for me.

I am impulsive, always looking for emotional connections, new beginnings, new introduction, I am not the best husband any woman can have and I am aware of it, God knows how much Marjan has put up with me, and how many times she has forgiven me for my short comings. But she thinks and has told me that she is a better person because of marrying me. I try to be a good father, that come so naturally to me, I see marrying Marjan and having my kids, and the privilage of lkiving with Marjan and raising my kids the biggest achievement of my life, and whenever someone asks me why I am not more ambitious financially , I tell them, maybe because I already have what many men with so much more money strive for.

I have my depression, my ghosts, my childhood, and my memories that inspire and allow me in my artistic quests. And i celebrate all of them, nooks and cranny, warts and all. For I am content with my geography, my elements, my wishes and dreams, I could be a lot better person, but I am okay. I do love my parents, and my sibblings, although I always tell them that I am the addopted one(pompus ass).
And again I say it since I mean it, I am blessed with all of you, and all you give me, your time, your thoughts, what else could a man ask for.

Would I ever become emotionaly independent of my parents, well I am working on it, And, when one is damaged, if one celebrates that damage, and deal with it it becomes ones' treasure. So I am a wo0rk in progress, and that is also allright.

I was writing in this morning about woman, and how they give so much of themselves in just the practice of intercourse, allowing somebody to enter you physically takes a lot of giving, lots of generosity, and many men might not realise that how much at that moment they are reciveing. I am not a woman(no kidding), but I think in a way by allowing you inside my psyche, inside my hed and my thoughts, I am bordering the same generosity, allowing you an intercourse with all that makes me, ME.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:35 AM | Comments (3)

May 21, 2005

My Role models, My heroes, ...read it at your own peril, its kinda long

Well, well well, As you have noticed, I am going trough a session with my lovely friend SHRINK LADY. -Seeking my father's approval, well I guess all men do that. WE all want to be like our fathers. He becomes our first role model, The big man in our lives. I had always lots of love for my father, and when I was younger if you had asked me which one of my parents I loved more, I definitely would have said MY father. He was a very hard working man, leaving the house at seven in the morning, and coming back home, when we were all sleep. A rather lonely man, who did not get much loving at home, all of his own doings of course.

You see my father is a very ambitious man, and at twenty seven years of age, he married my mother who was only fifteen. That was customery those days in Iran, they would marry off their girls at as early an age as nine, or ten. You see Iranian fathers were afraid of keeping their girls at home, so the minute the poor girl got to puberty, their only mission would have been to marry her off. To them having girls was a liability, they did not know what to do with them. Of course letting them continue their education would have been out of question, they would have become too independent. And for the girls getting married was one way of getting out of the tyranical ways of their father, seldom knowing that they are getting out of a puddle , but getting in to a well. changing tyrans, nothing else.

To some extent it was the way they were brought up and the influence of a male dominated religion that could not forgive a woman for her gender. These immasculated, puny, insecure, ignorant men, were so aware of their shortcomings that could not allow any competition in their worthless lives. As early as two years ago I came across a an Iranian man, that was brought up in a very religious family, and his father was a high ranking religious man, an Ayattolah to be. He was brought up to get in the family business, and become a Mullah, but he rebelled and got out. He told me that his father used to tell him, that women are like TOILETS, you do your thing and leave. That's all. Oh how I like to do to these men what MAO did to addicted chineese men in CHINa, take them by the sea and trough them in, so their evergrowing filth would be unrooted for ever.

How do you change a culture, a culture so corrupted by a reloigion that its ignorance has mutated to such eveil. Well, Shah tried that, and we had come a long way, before, many elements and on top of that Mr Jimmy Carter and his fervor for HUMAN RIGHTS, gave our country away to these tugs. Any way, my darling father, coming from an old established family with lots of respect in the community, did set his aim high and asked for my mother's hand. The first born of another well established well known family in the community that were also very wealthy. And my Darling Grand father who had been married himself at the tender age of Sixteen to my grandmother without having any choice, and was only thrity five at the time of my parents marrige, agreed .

I do not think my Grand father really gave it much thought, he was in a mist of his own marital problems, since he had come across another woman in college, and had married her although he was married already and had three kids, and all of this was without anybody's knowlede. So at some point the shit hit the fan and everybody found out, although no one dared to object to him, since he was also the first born of his family and his wealth shielded him from any critisizm. And my father was persistant, and so they got married. later own to my darling Grandfather's suprise, every body found out that my daqrling father also had had a SIGHEH ( a religious marriage that was not accepted by the civil law, and a convinient way of Moslem men getting sex whenever they wanted to. For in Sigheh, a man has to only ask the woman if she wants to be his mate, and upon her consent she becomes his Sigheh wife, and the duration of this union could also be set for a short or a long time, and a man could easily void the union whenever he wanted to by telling her, I divorce you. Sigheh marriages were never registered in any governmant establishments, and a sigheh wife would have no rights against her husband, or his property, intersting isn't it). A man could sigheh as many woman as he wanted to with no obligation toward her, and if a kid was produced in this type of marriage, the kid also did not have any right to the father's property.

My father had a sigheh wife, with a daughter. the wife was an older woman from a far away state in Iran, who also had a kid from a previous marriage. But for my ambitious father that was never enough. He deserved a young wife from a wealthy well known family, so he came and married my mother without any one knowing about his other wife.

So in his case also the shit hit the fan, and as usauall many people got hurt. What really was so offensive about his deciet was the fact that although he had a young new wife at home, he still kept his relationship with his Sigheh wife, and produced two other daughters. Well, he was entitled to it, to have his cake and eat it too. You could say there was some justice to it, since My darling Grandfather had done this to somebody else's daughter , same thing should had to be done to his daughter. and of course in this sort of JUstice there is no room or regard for eaither women, since they did not held any value in that male dominated society.

My parents were seprated for six month, my mother took my younger brother with her, since he was only a few month old, and was being breast fed, and left my brother and I with my father. At age two and a half I came down with severe depression, and although my older brother at age four an a half did not show any sign of permanent damage, I am sure he was also scard for life. My parents got back together, but we never had a happy home. My mother feeling degraded, and put down in front of her family had always blamed herself, that why she did not leave him, and was never happy with her marriage. They used to fight a lot, usually at night when the kids were sleeping, but I do remember being awake, and watching many of those fights.

Being brought up in such situation, I am amsed that we, my brothers, my sister and I have turned up as normal, if you can call it that. We now have our own families and kids, we all have made our own mistakes, but we all still are funtional parts of our society.

So, - seeking my fathers approval, heh, just seeing him would have suficed, but the man had two families and eight kids, so you can not expect much. I am sure every family has its won ups and downs, and its own problems, many skeletons grinding their bare teeth in many closets. But at some point in our lives we get to grow up and take responsibilty for our being no matter what. Yes we get to free the ghosts of the past, and start blaming ourselves for what we have become. But you can never be free of them, never.

I could say though probably watching how delightfull my father was with his collegues and their way of having fun has more to do with how I mingle with other men. And believe me, I do not bestow my delicious humor on just anybody, they have to be worthy of it, and I watch how far I go. If the guy is comfortable with himself, I do push, but if I feel any discomfort I pull back. so my dear SL, I bet you did not expect such comprehensive answer, but I am allowing you to take a look in how I got here, my role models, my ideals and heroes, so tell me know, is here any certain pill, or excercise that can free one fro0n his past demons, I might be interested, but on the other hand this life I have lived has made me who I am, and I would not change it at all. I might be obnoxious, over bearing, in your face, confused, restless man, but I am very okay with it, I like where I stand and in many ways who I am, so probably I should take this oppourtunity to thank My beloved Granfather, and my darling dad.

Being an immigrant, living in this land, of course we look for approval,and like to be accepted. In my outings I do come across as a confident, charming man, a bit loud, a bit daring. I used to be a quiet child, but never afraid of saying my peace, I coulod not wait to get in conversations with adult, shocasing my knowledge. But beneath it all we all like to be liked, its in our elements, and I guess that's my own unique way of getting there.

Posted by Idinraha at 09:32 AM | Comments (8)

May 20, 2005

$ 64000. Qestuion

Well my dear SL, leave it to you, to come up with the $64000. question, and now you probably expect and answer, what is the motivation behind my shamelees flirting with other men, I really do not know, actually in some case it might be that there is such stigma with being a hemosexuall, and how men generally are so scared of being assosiated with such behavior or deviation.

In my country, where I was born, and grew up, while I used to visit my father and his collegues in the Bazar, I had come to witness and appriciate, the art of flirting with men. You see it was rather customary for these guys, each of them married men with no absoloute tendencies toward being a hemosexuall, to greet each other with kisses, and flirt openly as a way of humor, and laughter, in many ways as a way to relase the every day prsseures of their living, and the hardness of the lives they lived, for in all my years going there, and with all my family being self employed businessmen, we had never heard of anybody getting caught with their pants down.

As you know I do live a shameless life within these pages, but some of it also does sip in my outside world, Marjan has gotten used to it, and knows it is harmless fun. His brothers are too proper, and respectfull to do what I do, but they all have seen me and Houtan for example to flirt, mostly me doing the flirting and Houtan putting up with it, so it has become a second nature to me. But I could dare to say that it is a rather common practice amongst many Iranian men. or at least the ones that I know.

It is also a way of setting boundries, breaking the ice, humor, or just to be a jolly good fellow. Also you might find the route of it in the fact that in our society, men were not able to flirt with other women, so they started to flirt with each other. I remember My uncles and most of my father's family also being heavily involved in such a practice. Again as far as I know we do not have any hemosexualls in the family, and if we did it would be allright with me.

I have always enjoyed the company of Gay men, most of whom that I know are very educated, artisitic, sensative souls, always kind and loving. I enjoy their quiet decadent, and have been inspired by the pain they feel in not being accepted by the society, their family and most of all by themselves. I have been the subject of their love and affection too which I had cherished, and enjoyed without getting involved with them. They do respect your inclinations and preferences and never try to force themselves on you.

To my artistic dismay and regret, I am not a hemosexuall. I could at least be BI sexuall, but not even that, and I am very comfortable with who I am, and my gender. So it is easier fo0r me to do what I do, and unfortunately I am so taken and in owe of female form that have never been able to acquire a taste for any other. Still this does not govern my life totaly and if at some point I find the inclination I would be delighted to satisfy it. and I am shameless enough to tell you all about it. You have read my banter about my devoution to CYRUS( to his dismay), calling him my MANCRUSH, and admitting to loving him more than it seems proper, but there is nothing sexuall about it, not so far, and not yet, but who knows, what lies ahead of us, and what turn we will all take around the corner.

In my quest to know and explore the female Psyche, I have written many poems about Sapphic love and erotica(for example, FINDING THE MAIDEN), but have not done that in the male catagory. I am very much taken by my new discovery of CAVAFY's poetry, and him being a hemosexuall, but at the best I think the most intimate emotions that I see in his poetry brings him closer to the senuality of a woman, which is easy for me to understand.

Posted by Idinraha at 03:32 PM | Comments (2)

A Rich man

well, it was an advanturous morning at the Gym, I sure know how to stir trouble. LD, has dyed her hair black now, which makes her pocelain complexion stand out more, I complemented her on that, she is so restless, and interesting. I caught Andy at the locker room, he was between clients, and I was standing naked, getting ready to shower, Rob was there too, so I asked Andy, if he is gonna help me shower, and wash my back, " Washing your back, or going for breakfast, hmm, choices, choices," Andy said, to which I responded" in either case you will have something to eat", he just shook his head, smiled, and said" you better take your little thing, and take your shower", I was offended" Andy, are you trying to tell me something, do not knock it before you try it", I said, " you Americans are always so obsessed with the size of everything",I continued, as he left the locker room.

I took my shower, and was drying off myself when RON walked in, we had a little conversation, and I asked him " Ron, have you ever been proposed by another man, and if you would , will you be calm about it, or you might get violent", He stopped, looked at me a while smiling, and said" No, I have not, and it should be Ok, if I ever get one", I responded, " actually I personally would feel flatered", and continued telling him, about this executive at GE, that long time ago had a crush on me, and bought me a ticket to go to Paris with him. we talked a bit more and then he left while smiling.

You see it is harmless fun, just ribbing, and passing energy by talking, just confirming each other's brand of being with humor, and they are both good sports about it. Also the fact that they know me, and they know my wife and kids make it easier for them to put up with me, and my crazy ways.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to connect with my teacher from workshop courses in poetry I had taken twelve years ago. I called her, and she called me back. She was very wellcoming, and remembered me well, asking me if I still write poetry in women's voice, and was surprised to hear about my site and the volumes of my writings, I gave her the adress to the site and asked her to lo0g on. I also told her she should only read my poetry, not the rants , since I could be very obnoxious in my rants. She has published her first book of Poetry, and has another one in process of being published, she has a son now, and we talked about our maternal feelings too. She told me she is gonna visit the site, and you know in many ways it is very important for me to know her opinion. She was the one who opened many doors for me, thought me new styles, thought me how to enjoy fixing my poetry, how to rewrite and thighten my poems, always encouraging me. She also allowed me th taste of winning a competition, pushing me to submitt my poems, and pulled for me , so I won the contest, and it was such a high for me. She is a very gentle soul, soft spoken, wise beyound her age, and so acompolished in her poetry and writing. I bought her book yesterday, and read it cover to cover, and found so much of her in her poems, serene, wise, wonderfull, and the words the subject matter, the poems, all so filled with life and inspirations, with close observations of a soul so in touch with her sarroundings and her life, and I was so taken by them. I cherish finding her again so much, and think of it as a new blessing in the life of a very blessed man.

I think a man's life should be measured by the choices he makes, his campanion, his kids, and the friends he makes, and having Marjan in my life, my kids, my hommies at the Gym, Anthony , LD, Ron, Andrew, and my friends, loyal as you all are, my mermaid of a friend, who takes the time to listen to me, and guides me, my LiL sis Maryam, with all her affection and brohaha, CYRUS, my main MANCRUSH, who watches over me, Freydoon, the love monger(ooops),MeTal, SL, Inasy, chey, Fafar, all and all of you are represnatation of how rich my life is, and how blessed I am. THANKS

Posted by Idinraha at 10:02 AM | Comments (1)

May 19, 2005

The first kiss

Andy is about 6'2", maybe 260 lbs, a very nice guy who has come a long way in the Gym, he is a great trainer, and his clients adore him.
In a short time he has mangaed to be the top biiling trainer in the Gym, and he is always fun to be around. He is built like a bull, massive chest, arms and shoulders, you definitely do not want to cross him in a dark alley. But the minute you talk to him, he is as sweet and innocent as a young boy(at least in my eye).

The other day, I saw him sitting at the front desk, he looked tired, and sad, so I made my way to him, bent down and whispered in his ears;"Andy, when you are depressed just think about OUR FIRST KISS, and that should cheer you up,". He looked up at me surprised, and said"but we have never kissed", I answered" think about when we will, and how sweet it would be". He started laughing.

On another occasion, I was on the cross trainer, and one of the clients that I know well, got on the machine next to me, she looked at me, huffing and puffing, my hair and T shirt drenched in sweat, and said " Javad you do not get much lovin at home, and it shows", I looked at her surprised, and said " you have no idea", and then continued" We have been married for almost nineteen years, we have never used any form of protection, not pills, no condoms, and we only have two kids, that should give you some idea", she laughed and said " you men are all the same, my husband complains about it all the time too".

SL, our dear shrink in residence, always and always leaves me very comprehensive, informative comments, about all my maladies and ills, i am greatful for her loyalty and presence here, It seems she left me a comment last night after I had left the store. This morning when I checked the site ahe had also another comment for me asking why her last night comment was not posted. Sweet heart, I had not checked all the comments from yesterday, and none of them were posted, but if you check now, yours, both of them are there. As I promissed all of you, I will not edit or delete any comments unless the person who sent it asks me to. Specially none of yours, since they are interesting and informative.

I need more comments from all of you about the new poem, it does not matter what you write, approving or disapproving, as long as you give me your honest opinion, I have embarked on a new style of writing in my poetry and I need to know.

Well about a few month ago, I walked in the locker room, and saw Ron, my wife's MANCRUSH was standing in his undies, and was shaving his head, he looked so sexy. so I went back to the Gym, and told Anthony, and certain Red hair client of his, (who is as mischievous as the rest of us guys, and she is so comfortable with all of us that we all see her as one of the guys), that Ron was naked in the locker room and was shaving his head, I also described the scene the best I could, so our dear Red hair friend, asked me if I would take her to the men's locker romm to see Ron. and of course I obliged, she followed me to the locker room, and once Ron saw us he was horrified, and shouted one of his famous"JEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS", and We ran out laughing.

We lost Andrea the receptionist in the Gym, she was offered a new job with much better pay by one of the Gym's clients, so she left and I know we all miss her. This is the second time that one of the clients in the Gym, has helped themselves with a Gym's employee, without any regard for interrupting the Gym's rhythm, and depriving us from another eye candy, some people I tell you. Loredana is in good form these days, "The Queen bee", as I call her, prancing around the Gym, showcasing her delicious figure, training the clients and treating us to her fabolous laughter. The Gym is doing very well, breaking records every week in the hours they train. Anthony, calm and collected, smiling as usuall makes running the Gym look so easy. I am there every morning, and look forward to seeing my hoomies every day.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:17 AM | Comments (7)

May 18, 2005

suburban indifferences

It is quiet, just the sound of the cars outside, and the buzz of the floresence lights. Days like this make me wish I had someone I could call, and talk, but I am not into small talk, and after a while on the phone, I want them to go away, and leave me alone. I am bored, I need a sparkle, a jolt, summer comes endless with humid hours of wait, and it is still spring here.

It is so sad that when we grow up, we lose the seasons, we do not wait for them, they just come and pass while we are busy with more important living things. It should be beautifull by the beach i tell myself, the air should be crisp and a bit more cold, the way I like it. maybe I take a walk down there, I don't know. I wrote a new piece yesterday, the style is very different than how I write. It is bare, not groomed the word choice is very efficient, it is like a mirror, the way you look at it and see the familiar things and you miss the background, that is where the whole living is, in the background. Yesterday as usuall i was looking for a new bit, a new word, somethign interesting, something I could put on the paper, so it takes its own form and bring me something, a piece, a poem. I found one and i like it , it might became a title of a poem, or comes in the body of the piece pointing to its truth,"SUBURBANITE
INDIFFERENCES" or i could change it to "SUBURBAN INDIFERENCES", for the time being I fold it and let it float inside my big head.

I don't kinow if you guys noticed, but we had a new visitor, and he was brave enough to leave a comment, AMIR, he introduces himself as a friend of ARASH, and left a beautiful heartfelt comment about ARASH.
I do not kno0w how he found us, but I am glad that he was here. My body is in pain, all my muscles ache, it serves me right, and a bit of pain is not bad at all. I feel excersising clears my head, but I should get more rest, I need a good eight hours of sleep tonight, but sleeping bores me, it always has. Not that i am a very productive person, but I feel even less productive after long sleeping. I heard a nice qoute the other day " DREAMS ARE THE WISHES YOUR HEART BRINGS"

Yesterday I went to see HOUTAN, I have had a bit of pain in my right ear, and last time I had such a thing it became infectious, and very painfull, so I thought I better catch it sooner this time. On my way to his office i stopped and bought him a book, MEN IN BLACK, he is an avid reader. He checked my eyes after i passed trough his receptionist, and the new nurse, Marsh, she is cute, and I flirted and joked with her to my hearts delight. Houtan told me I have SWIMMERS ear, and I am not a swimmer, he gave me some medicine to deal with it, and when I asked him if the medicine comes in form of sepository, he laughed, shaking his head.

We are done with the kids birthdays, although Kiana still has a ceremony at an outside place for her cousins and friends on Saturday, and Amin is taking his friends, and Steven his cousin to STAR WARS on Sunday. I bought Amin the book TRAVEL TEAM some time ago and I am planning to find it and get him to read it together, I am sure Kiana would join us, and might even finish it before us. She is so competative, and driven.

I will post my poem THEIR HOUSE on these pages today, if you get a chance do read it and tell me how you liked it, it is very different, and I have come to like and enjoy the style of its writing. It is always refreshing to me to try different styles, it is like trying to find your voice, and every new direction seems so fresh and inviting.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:46 PM | Comments (7)

Night Porter

walking all night, he looks tired, his hair unkempt, his skin sagging, pouting his lips as a way to meke him concentrate, lowering down his eyebrows, looking down, he pushes his hand trhough his hair, pushing it back on his scal, somehow the acts calms him down, but he is no looking for calm, he has been following his vision all night, by himself he way heliked it, with his long black raincoat, which allowed him a certain pivacy, covering most of him.

He is preaccoupied by the shadows he has seen in his mind, the texture of the colors the design and that certain music he had heard from a distance, wondering which one will bring the vision to focus, which one will guide him, closing his eyes, he tries to humm the music, as it pranced in his mind, the melody, no , no, it was a bit higher, and the way the notes opend, as the whole orchestra joined in, taking it higher, his fingers tries to trace the music in the air, and then there are hues, hues of living colors, the way they bubble and come in, Oranges, yes, it was always oranges, there was some sort of attraction for him, the life that came in that hue, as it became slowly gold, and amber, with traces of oranges still there drowning slowly.

And then the face came, in a close up, against the black background as the light brought it to focus, erasing the shadows, taking them away, very slowly, the face, the long forehead, with the weatherd skin, a few hair standing short at the top of the skul, but it was long around the head, along side of the ears, unkempt, oily, unwashed, sticking to gether in strands, standing out. and the thich eyebrows, that forbade the long forhead contrasting its colorness against the rich full black bushes of it, extending toward the side of the head, and the eyes, with sagging eyelids dropping, in layers, overcasting the irrises, one round Black irris, standinf high on the sphere og the eyeball, leaving a visable line of white underneath it, black with no depth, no glowing reflections, and the other irris, you could see some of the linees of it inbrown blue, deemed, no light , no seeing just there, making the face more morbid and unforgiving.

And the nose, extending out, with w crocked bone that bumped on its center and deviated a bit to the left, making the right sodes of the nostrils more visable and pronounced, rosy red in its texture. he had
no lips, no chuncks of flesh, under his nose, just a long line of a n opening, colorless and void of any expressions around his mouth. and the long chin, extending almost parallel to hin nose in a profile, and also a bit deviated to the left.

And that was all he had the music, the hues, how they bled in each other, and the face, devoid of any color, like a drawing against the paper, that was all he had come to see and keep in his mind, of his long over night trip, it was not much but it suited him fine, he had been back manu nights without anything, nothing had standed out and how lost he used to feel on those night, now at least he had something, he was happy, staring at the window, while wiping his mouth, now he had to bring them on the paper, and let them guide him, let the start while the music still played in his head, he sat at his desk, took a paper, and pen, and started to write, while humming.

Posted by Idinraha at 02:18 PM | Comments (0)

Playground

T: We have to ask you to leave
I: Why ?
T: you are making chaos, and being difficult
I: I am not bothering any body, I have been quiet all the time, just sitting here, watching every one
T: I know, but you are quietly disturbing yourself, we can see you are being hurt, it is so obvious.
I: disturbing myself, but isn't that my teritory, I can do what I want
to myself.
T: yes you could , but we do not have to witness it, it is painful, we worry about you.
I: I know what I am doing, it is like a dance, I know all the moves,
when to come in, when to turn, and I can stop it at anytime.
T: that's what you think, but you get others involved too, and they might not know, what you are doing, they might take you for what you say, or write, or think
I: thats going too far, I usually tell them, if they wanna play is up to them. I tell them it is a game. they usually know, and the ones I choose, are always the smart ones.
T: I know that too, but they come here to play, beneath all they show, they are only little boys and girls, they believe your words, you decieve them, and they get hurt.
I: that is their fault, I point out the rules, I expect them to know, and if they take a risk in playing with me, that is their choice.
T: But why do you have to do this, why can't you be honest,why do you change your outfits every day, your gender, your ideas, you confuse them
I: but they will learn, they getr to think on their feet, and that helps them grow, and why you ask, because I need it, I need to see their reactions, their responces, the energy they give me, I need them to like me, to want me, to keep me in their psyche, and dream of me.
T: you are so needy, and so pethatic, can't you just play their games, HOPSCOTCH, HIDE AND SEEK, can't you be yourself
I: No , never, their games are boring, those games are only games with no subsequences, no results, there is no individuality in them.
I need more, you see it is for my ART, I am allowed, I need inspirations, and I can nopt live the life of a poet or an artist, so I get to play
T: But then what after the games are finished, there is no one to play
, they refuse to play with you, what if y0ou get involved in the game, and lose your own reality.
I: well that is what makes it interesting, and exciting, I have to come up with differen schemes, ideas, and if I get involved, heh, i always get involved, that is idea, so I can feel, you see I need to feel, and I pay the price, I come to this knowingly, and I am clever.
It is my choice, and I can write about the experience, you see i have to do this, and no matter what I know how to go back to my reality, my reality is always there, I put it aside from time to time, but I know it is there.
T: well, I do not know what to say, just be carefull with yourself and others, the price you pay might be high, and remember I am watching you.
I: thanks, I am whatching you too, remember you are also a part of the game.
T: You pompous ass.

Posted by Idinraha at 09:58 AM | Comments (3)

May 17, 2005

Happy Birthday Amin, My beautiful boy

Amin came to us at one of the hardest stages of our lives. I just had lost my business, had rented out our house and moved to AKRAM'S house. I had opened a new store, and I was by myself, depressed, scared, with Marjan and our new baby Amin.

I think God in her wisdom, knew I need a distraction and love, I needed hope, and Amin was the gift that brought all this with him, I always say he is my soul, and dare to say, the closest person on this earth to me, there is a bind between us, only us, him and me, and no one else.

It was a Sunday night when we had to get Marjan to the hospital, it was raining, and Akram was with us. We went in, and Marjan was taken to what they call these days, THE BIRTHING ROOM, I was anxious, but tried to be brave, Marjan was in Pain, I stayed awke all night with her. By next after noon, She was not still diallated enough, and the baby's heart rate alarmed her doctor, so they took her in the operating room for a C section. I was with her, and before you know it, they had opened her up. Once the Doctor saw the baby, he was shocked, we were told he would be about 6,1/2 Lb, an average size baby, but he was much bigger, almost 9Lb, and 21" tall.

You see Marjan had this thing about our baby, she was worried that he would have a big meaty nose like mine, and at one of the visits, her doctor looked at the monitor and said wow this baby has a very distinct nose, the minute I heard that I knew that marjan would have problem with that statement. Once we were back at the house, Marjan started crying, My baby has a big nose. I knew with all the hormones in her, she could not think logically , so I tried to calm her down, but to no avail. The next day I called her doctor, and explained Marjan's worries, she said," no Mr Ahmadi what I meant that he has very nice nose,with distinct bone structure".

So back to the operating room, the baby was delivered, they cleaned him up, and gave him to me, marjan wanted to see the baby," asking let me see his nose, and I assured her that Amin had a beutifull little nose, trying to bring Amin down to her eye level so she could see, At last she saw his face and got relaxed, the nose was okay.

In a way Amin saved my life, my little savior, he sustained me with all the love he gave me and still does. I have so much memories of him, always smiling, and ready to jump in my arms the minute I was home. And you know you do not know what Love is untill you have your own child, nothing, and nothing comes close, sweetest sensation ever,
I used to get him to sleep, singing, John Denver's Annie's song, " you feel up my senses, like a night in the forrest......." he did and still does. Watching LION KING TOGETHER, or WINNIE THE POOH, telling him my stories at night, watching him grow to be a young man he is, and wrestling with him, arms in arms, like SIMBA and MOFASA. He is quiet shy, young man with no appetite for fighting, or mischief, he likes to be left alone, the way I used to. He is so gentle with other kids, specially his new couisin LEILA now. Whe I want to tease him, I lay him down and lick his face all over, and then he runs after me trying to do the same. Or, if we are watching TV and a beutifull girl comes on the screen I tell him, " Amin isn't she a HABAHABA", and he takes his eyes away screaming at me " Daddy". Well I am his silly daddy, and he is the sunshine of my life.

One of the first thing I wrote to Amin before he was born in his BOOK OF PROMISES, was that he owed me a big one for finding him a mother like Marjan. She is so in love with him, adores him, and takes care of him like a Prince, they share the same overcoats, or Tshirts now, even the same shoes. She watches over him like a hawk, and knows him better than anybody else, the way only mothers do. And Of course Akram, giving Amin love as pure as it comes, He spends Friday nights usually over Akram's house, and sleeps with her on her bed, with her holding him while he goes to sleep. Lucky boy.

Well, I could write a lot more, but I know, I do not want to try your patience. I wrote a poem for him recently MY SON AT ELEVEN, look it up if you like.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)

May 16, 2005

Breast feeding

How do you Justify a tragedy, you come face to face with it, feeling lucky that it is not your tragedy, it is someone elses, and though you are sympathetic with her, or him, you feel still a certain happiness when you get to leave. No you do not have to stay, you have your own life to live. So you go home, kiss your wife, hold your son a bit longer, lay down next to your sleeping daughter, and look at her, happy she is there, happy to get to keep them safe, you run down the stairs, make sure the doors are locked, and everyone is safe.

And then you have the luxuary of forgetting, getting bugged down by your own very life, and its own peculiar problems, you are set free, you are okay, but once in a while it still tugs at your heart, Well
she was only sixteen when they married her off, you had met her, you had seen her girlish smile, laughter, the way she shyed away, looking down while standing next to her husband. They go away, the new couple, looking for their lives, and then a year later they are back, they have problems, she looks sad, disillusioned, her skin not as fresh, she looks tired, with a baby in her hand, her addoring look while she looks at him, breast feeding him, a baby boy. a beautiful, beautiful boy.

And then they go back again, out of your life, following theirs to different places different situations, Her husbands divorces her after a few years, but they just had another baby, a baby girl, you despise her husband, you despise her life, but she is capable, confident, she does not accept any help, does it on her own, raising her kids, she never marries again, you hear about her now and then, her son has grown now, he is in college, you are happy all her hard work, hard living is paying up, a grown son, a teenage daughter.

And then you hear the boy, the beautiful, beautiful boy was killed by another boy,............. and you don't know what to say, how could this happen to her, why her, after everything she went trough, and now this, not her please, no. But reality hits, you go to the services, you see him laid to rest while she is ghost like, colorless
weeping, crying, screaming, looking so old, so helpless, nothing left of the girl you had met so long ago. Just a mother so clearly violated by life.

Time goes on, and then you hear she is counting the days, she is hoping, waiting to die, there is no cure for this, no help, every one gets to go back to their lives but she has to stay and accept. You hear she goes to the cemetery every day, to see her son, and then you write a piece for her, for her pain, and you are never convinced if you can depict her, all of her, and all of her pain with your words, so you get her to lay on the stone, and you allow her in your imagination you enable her to streatch her arms and go trough the stone, and the soil, and find him and hold him again, while the whole experience make her feel she is breast feeding him, as her shirts get wet from the pain manifesting in milk in her breast finding a way out.

Posted by Idinraha at 12:43 PM | Comments (3)

They just can't help themselves.

Well, you think after what happened to Dan Rather, his peers would learn something, but no, they are just too arrogant, and feel so entitled, that no one can reach them, they do not have to account for anything, they are the new messengers, the new Messiahs, and have the responsibility of probing and proding in annals of Government to expose everything. It does not matter to them how their reporting might compromise the National Security of the Government, how it might encourage our enemies during the war. They just can not help themselves.

NEWSWEEK is reporting this week that there were Qurans (Moslems' holly book) left in Bathrooms in GUANTANA BAY prisons, and how some soldiers have even flushed one down the toilet. ANd MSNBC has reported that all over the world. They were demonstrations in Afghanistan, SEVENTEEN people were killed and hundreds were injured.
The report was done based on one Ananymos source, and was never confirmed by any recognised sources. Forget about all the rules of reporting, what about decency, with AMERICAN soldiers all over the world in harms way, to instigate such lies, with no regard for any one, is unconsciounable. SHAME, SHAME, AMERICAN ELITE LEFTIST MEDIA proves once again that how they do hate this country and all it stands for, and how they would not stop at anything to set their own agendas. This is Treason no matter how you look at it.

This Morning NEWSWEEK, has already appologised and has all its TALKING HEADS all over radio stations and TVs trying to justify what they have done. And now the insurgent have another weapon in their hand to instigate mayhem, and recruits new SOLDIERS OF GOD.

Posted by Idinraha at 11:17 AM | Comments (4)

Parenthood

Rainy days and Mondays, well it is overcast here, it seems we have lost the sun for the time being, it feels a bit like Seattle, or London, so Top of the morning to you all. WHERE IS INASY?, I have not had any comments from her in a while, I think she might be busy with her submitions and the deadline, we wish her luck, and hope to see her back here, she writes so well, it is inspiring. Well life goes on, The Third week of May is always busy and happy for me and my family since both my beauties are born in May, Kiana on May 15, and Amin, on May 17th, actually Kiana would have been born on May 17th also, but we thouhgt it would be better for each of them to have their own special day.

We made both our babies on Vacations, no plans on either one of them, just faith and its blessings, We could actually tell you what day, you trace it back, and it fall right on August 23rd, and that is our Wedding aniversary, and you married men know, that you can always count on those special days, YOUR BIRTHDAY, HER BIRTHDAY, and ANNIVERSAY DAY, and sometimes on VALENTINES DAY, we, married men usually get lucky, and get some LOVIN. So Amin, was made while we were in Carabian, on a cruise. that is why he has darker complexion, and Kiana was made on our trip to seattle, SHE DOES HAVE MUCH LIGHTER SKIN, AS I SAID NEITHER ONE WAS PLANNED, but since then, my wife does stay away from me, a week before and a week after our anniversary, and on our anniversary night, I get to sleep down stairs.

the woman has every right, I love kids, and if physically I could bear them myself, we would have a dozen, I am also very good in taking care of infants, the smell of my kids dippers used to make me high, and I used to lick them and bite them all over( the kids, not the diappers). When Amin was born, Akram and I used to fight who would change his diappers, or give him a bath. I also used to shower both of them myself, holding them in my arms, and wash them, and my litle angel Kiana used to fall sleep in my arm, the steam and water getting to her.

Staurday was the day of Reckning for Amin, He lost all his games, game books, the CD's, all and all, he is forced to go Cold Turkey.
Marjan was brave enough to give him the news, and after two days of grieving and accusing his mother and me to be Mean, he has accepted his fate. Marjan has moved all of them somewher, probably where she kkeeps the chocolates and cookkies away from me.

I bought Amin his first NINTENDO, since we where told that he had problems with his eye/hand cordination. So I thought playing the game would remedy that, and it sure did. That was five years ago, and my son also has an addictive personality like his father, so it was time for the games to go, this way Amin would get to socialise with his peers and cousins more, and that will be good for him. He did make a deal with his mother yesterday, He would stay away from all of his games for one full year, and would try to improve his social life, and get more involved in sports, proving himself, and if he does that , he would get his games back. We are hopping that by then, the Hormones have kicked in, he would discover girls and would not even look back.

Posted by Idinraha at 10:34 AM | Comments (6)

May 15, 2005

Lovers in purgatory

W;" Please don't"
L: " you hate me, don't you "
W; " NO, but I have to much on my mind, we need to figure this all out"
L;"figure what out, I love you, what else matters, Love has indulged us, we are here, you , and me, let's leave the world out side"
W;" I wish it was that simple, yes, you love me, I kknow, but can love be enough"
L; " Of course, we are lucky to have found each other, you know how many people go on living without finding themselves in their lover's eyes. Why can't love be enough"
W; " because we are grown ups, living in a grown up world, we have obligations, we have made promises to others, we love others, it is not only me and you alone in this world."
L; " As long as I am concerned, it is, it is only you and me, when I am here, with you, nothing matters, no one matters, you might think I am selfish, but I am in Love, what else could matter"
W; " you are too romantic, you should live in story books,"
L; " Maybe, but you are here, with me, your hands in mine, breathing the same air, knowing how I want you, and how long I have waited for this"
W;" So a frolic in the bed, behind these coverd widow, is that us, is that our love, hidden, blossoming in sheets of cheap motel room, in the afternoons, is that what you need of me, is this the way you love me"
L; " why do you have to mock everything, the only truth is that you and me, we are together, it does not matter, when or where, No I love to walk with you in open spaces, behind open windows, I love to stand on the top of the roofs and tell every one how I love you, do not mock the truth of our love, for if you do, we will not have anything."
W;" So you love me, Hmm, we get to makke love for an hour or two, and then you go to your partner, and I go to mine, with our dreamy eyes, misty of the allowance we had even for a short while, you kiss your darling, and I kiss mine, and when they reach us we shudder, we stay, we put up with it, we let them fuck us, since there is no love, we get to be fucked, and smile as the pain reaches us both, afterward, clinging to the sides of our beds, feeling dirty, compromised, and violated, and the heavy scent of deciets and lies. It will kill us, and with it it would destroy any respect we might have for ourselves and each other."
L;", so you have decided, haven't you?"
W; " no, but I want you to get in this with open eyes, I love you too much to allow you decieve yourself"
L;" If you knew all this why, then why you took me, I was living my life, a normal life, they were things I did not know, they where places in my heart I had not claimed, but I was okay"
W: " I did not seduce you, we met, remember, we just met, like many people do every day on this god damned earth, all these people who meet, say hello, and then say good by, we met, and we were claimed, not of our own knowing, or wanting, just claimed, by something bigger ........bigger than us, I did not take you, you happened to me, like a ton of breaks, you happened to me.."
L; " Yes, but I did not expect you in my life either, I had no place for you, I was fine, happy as I could be, but how can I go back now, how can I forget, I am not the same person, my life has changed I have changed, you makke me like myself, I have gotten to love me through your eyes, your love has given me a certain dignity...... I like the new me, I like the crisp colors of the leaves and trees, and seasons, songs had never sounded so good, birds, the sky,. the air, life, YOU
DID THIS, YOU.........and now you expect me to worry how I would love you, or how I come to kkeep this, worrying about others in my life, NO I CAN NOT WORRY ABOUT OTHERS IN MY LIFE, NOT NOW, NOT AFTER THIS, I am shaken I am blown to pieces, I can not breath, I can not sleep, but I am happy, I am happy, the way I never knew happines existed, everythings taste frsh in my mouth, the water, the scents, everything, and YOU DID THIS,....... I am in love, I know love hurts, love burns, but I will pay the price, to feel the way I do now, as long as I can, I am not scared,...... I am , but not scared enough to run, and deprive myself of the only truth that I kknow of, I am in love, I am crazy,......it is supposed to be this way, isn't it"
W:" Hshh, come here, just come here and hold me now"

Posted by Idinraha at 03:48 PM | Comments (2)

Happy Birthday Kiana

I do not know how we lived before she was born. She is such a force in our lives, with so much energy, and so smart, beyound her age. I remember when we went to the hospital for her birth. Since marjan had a C section, with Amin, she had to have her with C section too. It was an afternoon, we had left Amin with Julia, and Akram was with me, we were sitting together in the waiting room, while the were preparing Marjan, Akram was reading prayers underbreath, while I WAS DOING MY BREATHING, FIFTY DEEP INHALES, AND EXHALE, TO CALM ME DOWN.

I looked at AKRAM, her face kind, a bit nervous, god knows how much I feel in debt to this women, By accepting me as a Son in law, by loving me like a son, by forgiving me all my shortcomings, and the way she loved Marjan, and adored Amin, and hop she has been with me in all the most important stages of my life. She started crying, so I sat next to her and told her, Come on MOM, you are here to take care of me, she smiled, and tried to control herself. I looked out and saw Majan's Doctor, satnding by the operationg room, eating his soup. Well I guess these operations are so routine to these Doctors.

In a few minutes, they called me in to the operating room, Marjan was laid down awake, a bit sedated, Her Doctor was there and so was a young Black assistant, a nurse, and the anestialogist. They had given her an Epidoral, to localy numb her belly. They started to cut her, I tried not to lookk, while I was talking to Marjan, and holding her hand, and then she started screaming, they stopped, Doctor said that the medicine sometimes does not go through the whole section, so they had to put her under general, at times like this, there is that sense of helplessnes, that tugs at you hurt, and the emptiness you feel at the pit of your stomack. Tears were running down my face, and I was trying to be brave, before you know it, I heard the doctor said, the babies head is out of your wife stomack, would like to look, to which, I responded a very firm,"NO THANK YOU". The doctor got kiana out, I cut her ambilical cord, and my baby arrived, screaming, The peditrician, checked her out , gave me an OK signal, and they handed her to me, and once in my arms, she calmed down, as I held her tight, smiling and crying at the same time, and she looked at me with those slanted Cat eyes, and I was in love.

Kiana completed us, two boys, two girls, as Amin used to say, and for the first time I felt that we were a family, four of us, the magic number, she was tall, 21", and about 8,1/2 pound, round face, black hair, supple lips, a tiny nose, and those eyes, that flirted with you from the first moment. My girl was all woman. I always say this and forgive me, if it does not adhere to your sensibilities, EVERY MAN SHOULD BE BLESSED ENOUGH TO HAVE A DAUGHTER, heck, I would have ten daughters if I could, they teach you so much, they love you so much, and Kiana has proven to be everything I needed. I could never imagine my life withought a daughter, somehow it appeals more to my sensibilities as a man that I am, and in our families, Marjan's , and mine, they are lots of boys but only two girls, so having a girl was a blessing that Marjan and I both look forward to.

Some of it was also that Marjan and Akram have such a close relationship that I wanted something on the same level for Marjan as we grow older. God has been good to me, and I am blessed. Kiana changed lots of thing in our lives. We moved to a much larger house, with her ever present energy, she has forced Amin to come out of his shell too. She is competitive, sensetive, wise beyound her age, quite a little lady. And I made sure I had many days with her one on one by takking her to0 the store with me all day, you see Kiana needs to be loved, every seconds, and we are happy to oblige, she is artistic, and in many ways she has so much of me in her, that makes me worry, growing up had not been easy for me, and I do not want her to go thro

Idinraha unshackled...

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